by Olivia Evans
Matt stood as well. “She’s not right for you, man. You’re settling, and you know it.”
My exhaustion caused my temper to flare. It wasn’t like me at all, but I couldn’t stop myself. “I’m so sick of everyone thinking they know what’s best for me. How about you back off and let me decide what’s best for me for a change?”
“Because clearly you’re too stupid to see what everyone else does.”
“Fuck you, Matt. Just because Lacy broke your heart doesn’t mean all girls are like that. I told you she was trouble.” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like shit. Matt met Lacy our sophomore year, and he fell for her hard and fast. Everyone knew she was on the rebound, and if given the chance to get back with her ex, she’d drop Matt in a heartbeat. Which was exactly what happened. When his fist connected with the side of my face, I wasn’t even mad. I deserved it.
I stumbled back, wiping the blood from my lip as Matt stood in front of me, his entire body vibrating with anger. His dark-brown eyes were hard, challenging, but there was something else there, something darker, deeper, pained. He shook his head, screwing his eyes shut before looking at me and speaking with such conviction, it caused the hair on the back of my neck to stand.
“You’ll see, man. Terri’s not as perfect as you think.” He stormed out the front door, slamming it so hard, a picture fell off the wall, the glass shattering. I took a deep breath, resigned to the fact that Matt would never be the same after Lacy, and I was an asshole for bringing it up.
After cleaning up the broken glass, I walked into the bathroom and looked at my face in the mirror. My lip was a little swollen but not enough that it would be noticeable later. Matt could have done way more damage if he’d wanted. I dragged my hand over my face and through my hair before letting out a heavy sigh. What a shitty start to the night. With a final glance at my lip, I jumped in the shower and got ready for the night. I really wanted to stay home and chill, but Terri had begged me to take her out, and I never wanted to disappoint my girl.
We’d been at my fraternity house for about three hours, and I was ready to call it a night. It was the first time I’d been there since I’d started grad school, and it felt weird. Finals had drained me, and my fight with Matt was adding to my stress about proposing to Terri.
“Are you ready to go?” I asked, sliding up next to Terri and wrapping my arm around her waist. She looked up and grinned. Her long blond hair had fallen out of her messy bun, and her blue eyes were glazed over. I was sure the sixth Jäger bomb she’d drunk had something to do with that. She poked out her lip and batted her eyes and, fuck, I should have known better than to think I could get her out of here before midnight.
“Just a little longer, please. I promise we’ll leave soon. I just want to tell a few people bye since I won’t see them over the summer.” I rolled my eyes but smiled and nodded. Another hour wasn’t going to kill me. Plus, I still hadn’t seen Matt, and I was starting to worry. He should have been here already.
When Terri disappeared into the crowd, I moved into the kitchen and played cards with a few friends. I was on my sixth beer, and I needed to stop if I expected to get Terri home. Carrying her back to my place was hard enough sober; we’d both end up in the bushes if I was drunk too.
“Have you seen Terri?” I asked Jared as I scanned the room.
“Uh, a while ago. She was downstairs talking to a few girls, but I think someone got sick down there. I’m pretty sure everyone cleared out by the looks of all the people crammed in up here.”
“Okay, thanks, man.” I started to walk away when Jared grabbed my arm to stop me.
“What’s up?”
“What’s going on with Matt?”
“What do you mean?” I hadn’t realized he’d shown up.
“He’s here, and he’s fucking wasted. I haven’t seen him this messed up since sophomore year.” Shit. I shouldn’t have brought up Lacy.
“He’s just stressed with school and shit. I’ll go find him and get him home,” I said, walking toward the basement. It was probably him who got sick. He never could hold his liquor.
I walked down the stairs, the smell of vomit making my nose burn. I heard someone moaning and pulled the neck of my T-shirt over my mouth and nose. I maneuvered around the empty bottles, cans, and random trash on the floor, making my way to the couch.
I had spent a lot of time in this basement over the years; it was probably my favorite part of the house. It had a pool table, a foosball table, and a dart board, with a couch facing a huge television mounted on the wall in the back. As I got closer to the couch, I realized the moaning I’d heard was not the kind I’d originally thought. Anyone capable of having sex down here with that smell was insane. I turned to leave when a voice I’d know anywhere stopped me cold.
“What made you change your mind?” Terri asked in a tone I was so fucking familiar with. She always got soft, sweet, and all girly when we were together. Her hard exterior fell away, and she melted into me.
“I just want to make sure you get everything you deserve.”
I blinked, my stomach dropping. That was Matt. His voice was slurred, but there was no mistaking it. I felt bile rise in my throat as hurt and anger surged through me. I spun on my heel, taking measured steps toward the couch.
A huge part of me hoped I was hearing things, that it was not what it sounded like, that my best friend was not fucking my girlfriend. As soon as I got close enough to the couch, I knew that wouldn’t be the case as I watched Terri’s naked back move rhythmically over Matt. I stared at them, blinking repeatedly, still hoping the image in front of me would change, shift, be anything other than what I was seeing.
“The fuck?” I whispered. Or at least, I thought I did, but the way Terri’s head snapped up and her mouth dropped open let me know she’d heard me.
“Bren—” Terri started before Matt’s arms shot up and roughly shoved her back, sending her body to the opposite end of the couch. He jumped up, yanking on his jeans before stumbling and falling into the coffee table. Bottles and cans flew into the air as the weight of his body shattered the cheap wooden frame. The cord of a game controller tangled around his arm, ripping the console from the shelf and making it crash to the floor.
Terri scrambled to pull her shirt over her head as footsteps thundered down the stairs. I watched the scene unfold in front of me as if I weren’t actually there, as if I were just a spectator floating on the edge of this fucked-up reality and not in the starring role.
“Oh shit,” someone whispered from behind me as Matt slowly rolled from his side in the middle of the busted coffee table to his feet. He grabbed the arm of the couch to pull himself up, his body swaying. Terri hadn’t attempted to speak, but her quiet sniffles were loud, pulsing drumbeats in the deathly quiet room.
Matt’s face was remorseful, but there was something else there, too. He looked almost triumphant, like he’d won, like he’d proven himself. In a way, I guess he had. He’d just shown me that Terri was no different from Lacy, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t about to kick his ass. I didn’t speak as I walked around the edge of the couch and stood in front of him. Words were pointless; there was no need to talk shit or build up the drama for everyone around us. He was my best friend, and he’d betrayed me. I swung my arm back then snapped it forward, hooking it around to the left side of his face and connecting with his eye.
He fell back into the broken table again before I was on him. I didn’t know how many times I hit him or how many people it took to pull me off, but I did know among the chaos and blood and shrill screams from Terri that I’d just lost my best friend and girlfriend in one night. As angry as I was, I was also fucking devastated.
“I told you, Brennan. They’re all the same,” he slurred as two guys lifted him from the floor. He wiped the blood running down his face with the back of his hand, staring at it for a beat before smearing it onto his jeans.
“She’s fucking trashed, Matt!” I yelled, pointing at Terri. I knew what I’d
heard, but fuck, people did stupid shit when they were drunk, right? I needed this to make sense.
“She’s been trying to get on my dick for over a year, dude. Why the fuck do you think I hate being around her? If she’s trying to fuck me, who else is she fucking?” he asked, jerking away from the guys still holding on to him.
“You’re lying,” I argued, but there was no heat behind my words as I looked over at Terri. She was shaking her head back and forth, mouthing the word “No,” but there was something in her eyes, a wild, cornered look that made her look desperate, caught.
“I’m not.”
“So, what? You had to fuck her? Here? Like this?” I asked, throwing my arms wide. There were people everywhere. He couldn’t have humiliated me more. If his intention was to hurt me, then he’d succeeded. Spectacularly.
“No, I—” He looked around, taking in the scene around him for the first time. I shook my head and laughed. I’d had enough of this shit. Something inside me fractured. Broke. And then there was nothing.
“You know what? It doesn’t matter. Fuck you both.” I walked up the stairs, pulling out my phone to call Drew.
“Sup, bro?”
“Can you pick me up?” I didn’t want to stay at the apartment, and Drew and Rachel would give me space until I was ready to deal with all this.
“You okay?”
I didn’t know how to answer that question, so I didn’t. “Meet me at my apartment in twenty?”
“On my way.”
“Thanks.” I shut off my phone and walked to my apartment to grab my clothes and get out of there. I didn’t want to hear apologies, condolences, or people’s mock outrage at what happened, while trying to get more details at the same time. I was so done with this shit, with these people. In three days, I’d be home in Aberdeen, then I could forget about Seattle, about everything that had happened, and let the dust settle.
June 15, 2015
Yesterday was my birthday, not that I remember much. Drew rode my ass until I finally agreed to go out for a while. I woke up in some chick’s shitty apartment, naked and hungover. I didn’t know her name, didn’t really give a fuck either. I grabbed my shit and left without waking her. It didn’t matter. She wouldn’t care. They really are all the same. Happy fucking birthday to me.
Anger ventilated often hurries toward forgiveness; and concealed often hardens into revenge. ~Brennan G. Bulwer-Lytton
July 2015
“You have eighteen new messages…” I pressed “Delete All” and tossed my phone on the bed. When would they get it through their heads I wasn’t interested in apologies or excuses? Matt had called relentlessly for weeks, saying the same things over and over. He said it wasn’t supposed to happen like that. He just wanted to set her up, but he got too drunk. That I didn’t see things clearly when it came to Terri. I had to laugh at that. I think they made everything crystal clear when I walked in on her riding his dick.
What hurt most was Matt had tried harder to talk to me than Terri. Not that it mattered because I was done with her. Still, how many blows could one person land on my ego? I peeled off my shirt and headed for the shower. Dad had kept me busy fixing shit around the house for the last month, and I’d just about reached my limit of free labor. He’d tried to talk to me about what happened, but I wasn’t too keen on being humiliated all over again.
After showering, I dressed and headed downstairs. Jared had called earlier to hang out, and I was more than ready to get out of my parents’ house for a while.
“Hey, honey. You have plans tonight?” Mom asked, walking into the kitchen.
“Yup,” I answered, looking in the fridge for something to eat. She didn’t say anything back, so I looked over my shoulder to see her staring at me expectantly. I sighed. I slammed the fridge door shut and took a deep breath before facing my suddenly overbearing mother.
“I’m going out with Jared.”
“Do you know if you’ll be coming back tonight?”
“I don’t. It depends on what I get into.” Or whom, I thought to myself. She scrunched her face in disapproval. I knew that face; I’d become quite familiar with it over the last six weeks.
“Brennan,” she sighed. I held up my hand.
“Mom, really, just drop it.” I moved for the door when she spoke again.
“Son, I know you’re hurting right now, but you can’t—”
“Don’t,” I barked. “I’m not hurting. I’m fine. He’s an asshole, and she’s a whore. End of story.”
“Honey—”
“Just stay out of it! It’s none of your damn business!”
Mom gasped at the same time something hard slammed into my chest, knocking me into the wall. My dad’s face came into view, bright red with anger, his silver eyes hard as steel, his lips pressed in a thin line. He twisted my shirt in his hands, pulling me away from the wall slightly before pinning me against it once more. Mom was yelling, but I couldn’t understand her words because I was locked in the deadly glare of my father. I had never seen him this enraged.
“You will never,” he growled through clenched teeth, “speak to your mother that way again. Do you understand me?”
I glared at him, anger, guilt, and pride warring inside me, my jaw locked with defiance.
“Do you understand?” he roared, his nose skimming mine.
“Clint, stop!” Mom cried, coming up behind him and grasping his shoulder. He never took his eyes off me. I knew he wouldn’t back down until he got the answer he wanted.
“I understand,” I gritted out, embarrassment making my face burn. He released me, stepping away slowly, his eyes locked with mine. No matter how hard Mom tried to divert his attention, he was relentless. I broke under the heat of his stare, unable to maintain the intensity of emotion reflected in his gaze. I cut my eyes to Mom, the anger draining out of me as I took in her rumpled state, her face red and blotchy, tear tracks visible on her cheeks.
“Mom, I’m sorry.” No matter what I was going through or how angry I was, I never wanted to hurt her. She held up her hand.
“It’s fine, but Brennan, you can’t keep going like this.” I looked at my dad, who was still furious, but the fire had been extinguished from his eyes.
“Brennan, get it together. This isn’t you. I don’t know the details, but don’t let this change who you are.” Dad put his arm around Mom’s shoulders and led her out of the room. I stood in the middle of the empty room, wondering how the fuck I was supposed to put myself back together when I didn’t even know where to find the pieces.
By the time I got to Jared’s house, my only thought was how quick I could reach blackout drunk. We walked to a bar near his house, not wanting to deal with driving or a cab. It was early, so the place was pretty empty, which was perfect. I didn’t need people in my face; I wanted to get blitzed.
“You all set for classes next month?” Jared asked, downing his second shot. I sighed. Just the thought of going back to school, back to the bullshit, made me sick.
“Yeah, I got everything finalized.” I didn’t want to talk about school. I was pretty sure he picked up on that from the force I used to slam my shot glass down on the bar. So, we didn’t. We talked about his summer, his parents, and his deadbeat brother, who’d been arrested again.
Before I realized it, I was seven shots and three beers in, and the room was packed. Loud music blared through the speakers as people shoved and pushed, trying to get to the bar. A small blonde managed to nudge her way through a group of guys standing behind us, squeezing between Jared’s and my barstools. She cut her eyes to me. I assumed she was trying to be flirty, but fuck that, what was the point? We both knew where this was going to end up if I decided to take it there.
She smiled. “Hi.” I gave her the once-over, my balance wavering and making the move more exaggerated than intended.
“Hey,” I answered with a nod before shifting back to the bar. I could see her smile falter out of the corner of my eye, and I couldn’t help but smirk. She cleared her thr
oat and straightened her back, pushing her breasts out before leaning closer to me.
“Buy me a drink?”
I cocked my head to the side, glancing at her over my shoulder before giving her my best smile. “Do you really think you should have another one?” I murmured, moving my face closer to hers. She stared at me for a second, her face blank before she blinked quickly and smiled back.
“Sure, why shouldn’t I?”
I leaned away from the bar and dropped my hand to skim up the back of her bare thigh to the bottom of her skirt. I swept my thumb along the hem, tracing the edge from one side to the other before wrapping my fingers along the back of her thigh and pulling her closer. Her breath hitched, her chest rising and falling rapidly.
“Because I want you to be coherent when I fuck you later,” I explained, giving her thigh a squeeze before letting go and taking a sip of my beer. I put my glass down and looked at her. She stood in the same position, her eyes wide.
I brushed her long, blond hair off her shoulder and brought my lips to her ear. “Breathe, baby,” I chuckled. She jerked and gathered herself before grinning. Her face was flushed, no doubt turned on enough that I could even fuck her in the bathroom without protest.
“I can handle one more drink,” she laughed, running her hand up my shoulder, her nails scraping the back of my neck. It was always the same, the fucking end game, for both of us.
I nodded to the bartender to bring her a drink. It was the least I could do. The bartender set the drink on the bar, and the girl looked at me expectantly.
“I’m Amy.”
“Brennan.”
“You have fantastic eyes.”
“Thanks.” Girls always commented on my eyes. They were unusual, the same silver color as my father’s. An image of his face from earlier flashed through my mind. I didn’t want to think about that.
“Are you from around here?” she asked. I was in no mood for small talk, especially given the direction of my thoughts. I pulled in a deep breath and pushed that shit to the back of my mind before turning toward her. I grinned, casting a glance to the table in the back of the bar where a group of girls was staring at us, giggling. No doubt, her friends.
