The cold finally got to me. I’d read somewhere that warm milk helped sleep.
I heated a cup in the microwave. Why couldn’t I sleep? All the walking and laughing today had tired me, yet my mind refused to stop racing. How could I get rid of these unwanted thoughts? A flash of intuition came. It was the bloody letter of Dad’s preventing sleep. I should destroy it once and for all. Would I regret it, if I did? I imagined taking it to the viewing platform, above the cliffs. I’d tear it into a hundred pieces and throw it into the swirling sea.
Aunt Jean came in to the kitchen. ‘I thought I heard something, what’s up?’
‘I can’t sleep. It’s … it’s Dad’s letter. You know, the one he wrote to Toby and me before the trial.’
Aunt Jean looked away. I’d discussed my quandary about the letter with her before. The night silence surrounded us. It was as if all noises had stopped. I breathed in and out deeply. I wanted to get control. Somehow I needed to break this oppressive stalking of my grey matter. I had to sort this Dad thing out. Otherwise I was at risk of spiraling down. I was already feeling shaky about my dreams. What if Dad killed me? Not physically, but mentally. His lurking shadow darkened a corner of my brain. It was like he wanted something from me. What was it? Surely he couldn’t expect me to forgive him? Did he want my love back? I was scared and thought for the millionth time, why was I born?
‘I wonder if there’s new evidence in Dad’s letter.’
Aunt Jean seemed taken aback. ‘Good heavens, Julie what made you think of that?’
‘You know the appeal and all that. You said at this stage it was technical, but if there was new evidence, it could be used in a new trial, couldn’t it?’
‘We’ve never mentioned the letter to anyone. There’s no reason for it to become public knowledge.’
‘What if it is, though?’
‘Do you want it to be?’
‘NO!’
‘Julie I’d love to be able to ease your worries. Try and rationalise some of your worst fears.’ Aunt Jean looked thoughtful. ‘I want to be able to answer any of your questions, honestly. I don’t want you to be afraid to ask me anything.’
‘I know Aunt Jean. It’s the bloody letter. What am I going to do?’
‘Would you like me to read it?’
‘I don’t know. I’ll think about it. I’ll ask Toby what he thinks when he gets here.’
‘You don’t have to read it you know.’
‘I know. It’s just I haven’t been able to throw it away.’
‘I really don’t know what I’d do in your position. Maybe sleeping on it will give you an answer.’
‘You mean putting it under my pillow.’ I was horrified.
‘No, I don’t mean literally. I mean sleep on an answer. Something may come in your dreams that will help you solve your dilemma.’
I suddenly felt very tired. I yawned.
‘I think I’ll go back to bed. Goodnight Aunt Jean.’
Aunt Jean kissed me on the forehead. ‘Goodnight Julie.’
CHAPTER 9
Friday
I’d slept through sunrise. The ringing of the doorbell awoke me from a deep sleep. It took a few seconds to realise the doorbell ringing was real, not part of my dream. I wanted to go back to sleep to find the dreams I’d been having. Why be awake, I thought? What have I got to look forward to? The mood of my previous night was still with me. Things happened with my family, I had no control over. I felt like I was in the middle of the road with a bus coming straight for me in my concrete shoes. I reluctantly made my way to the intercom.
‘Jules, I thought you’d meet me. I’ve been ringing the doorbell for ages.’ Kate sounded slightly annoyed.
‘Sorry. I’ll let you in.’
I opened the door. Kate had her surfboard leaning against the wall.
‘I didn’t think you’d be slack. The surf looks great.’
‘Sorry. I had a very late night. I’m a bit tired.’
‘The waves will wake you up. Come on.’
I grabbed my gear, wrote a note for Aunt Jean and set off down the street. The sun had risen and the beginning of the Bondi bustle was evident. There were more people on the beach than usual. I could tell it was going to be a scorcher. The sun’s rays were already powerful. A great skin-cancer-growing day, I thought.
The waves were regular and clean. We paddled out beyond the break.
‘Be careful of the reef today,’ I said pointing in the direction. ‘If the sea gets up much more, you’ll end up over there.’
We surfed for about an hour. I was trying to perfect my top turns. It’s a bit like when you re-enter a wave but it’s more trying to gain speed than anything else. I felt I was doing well. There were certain manoeuvres judged in competitions that gave you big points. I knew that the wave you chose to ride was the most critical aspect of scoring. If you blew it by choosing badly, forget it.
I used to watch surfers from the beach and wonder why they’d ignore some waves and choose others. Now I knew why. This was one area of my life that constantly improved. I was getting better at wave selection. Even Kate praised some of my choices. I felt an inner excitement. The doubts of yesterday left as soon as I caught my first wave.
I felt so strong and powerful and forgot the crap in my life as I skimmed down the face of a wave. It was a place I felt out of my father’s reaches. Dad didn’t know me as the girl in the curl from Bondi. He’d remember me as a sad-faced teenager, who argued with him all the time. Dad doesn’t know me now, I laughed at the sun.
‘Are you all right?’ Kate had paddled up next to me.
I felt an idiot. What had I been doing? How long had Kate been there?
‘Oh, I was just so happy to see the sun.’
‘It sounded like you were a donkey. Hee haw, hee haw.’
‘Kate. I wasn’t going hee haw.’
‘It sounded something like that.’
I didn’t say anything. Maybe I was going hee haw.
‘Have you ever thought about surfing in tandem?’ Kate asked.
‘Don’t know much about it. Have you tried?’
‘A couple of times. I’ve done it standing on friends’ shoulders. It’s tricky. I’m pretty hopeless.’
I looked at Kate. I couldn’t imagine either of us standing on each other’s shoulders.
‘No offence, but I don’t think I could stand up with you on my back.’
‘No. There are other ways to tandem surf. Have you got a skateboard?’
‘No.’
‘Has your brother?’
‘Naturally. Toby’s a boy. I don’t think he took them all with him. I’ll look in his room.’
‘We could practise on one.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well if we are going to surf in tandem, it’s a good idea to get to know each other’s moves. Practice will make us perfect. A skateboard’s good for that.’
Did I want to tandem surf? What the hell. It was good to learn a new skill.
‘Sounds cool.’
We caught a few more waves. I was impressed to see Kate do a few aerials. I hadn’t tried them yet. I wasn’t sure if, when I lurched into the air, I’d come back down on the wave. I had to build more confidence for those manoeuvres.
As the swell dropped, Kate and I rode a slight wave to shore. We lay face down on the sand.
‘Stoked! I’m in heaven,’ Kate sang.
‘I’m pretty exhausted,’ I said closing my eyes.
‘Why? Did you have a late night?’ Kate asked innocently.
How would I explain?
‘Couldn’t sleep.’
‘A bad conscience eh?’
I almost sat up in shock.
‘You know,’ Kate continued, ‘all that Aboriginal stuff yesterday, you know, the engravings, and us imagining the middens and the people who’d created them.’
We both looked to the road where the middens had been buried and destroyed when it was built early last century.
‘I gu
ess because it wasn’t that long ago. It’s as if the spirits are hanging around, waiting for reconciliation.’
I nodded agreement. ‘If it wasn’t for my friend Ruby, I could have stayed ignorant.’
‘If it wasn’t for my Koori friends, I probably wouldn’t want to know, either.’
‘A lot of people walked for reconciliation. They said it was one of the largest crowds that ever marched for a cause.’
‘Whose reconciliation? That’s what I want to know. Our Prime Minister didn’t bother to walk, and he’s supposed to be the leader. What does that say?’
We stared at the sea. It had become flat. A shark-spotting plane flew overhead. I couldn’t answer Kate’s question. I’d talk with Ruby about it. The fact that Kate cared about Aboriginal people made me feel closer to her. Phoebe and Jasmine cared, but they didn’t get fired up or tears in their eyes like Kate.
‘Do you want to come to my place?’
Kate nodded. I could tell she was feeling sad about what we’d been talking about. I wished I could make her feel better.
‘If Toby’s skateboard’s there, we could practise on the roof.’
Kate cheered up. ‘Cool, let’s go.’
I got some breakfast stuff together as Kate made coffee. I’d found Toby’s skateboard.
‘Do you ever go skateboarding?’ Kate asked between mouthfuls of muesli.
‘Not really. It’s more a boy thing.’
‘Crap. Anyone can do it. Why’s it a boy thing?’
I couldn’t answer, but pictured the crowded skateboard park. Boys outnumbered girls, ten to one.
‘I think it’s a bit too rough or something.’
This didn’t sound a very good reason, but it was the only one I came up with.
‘Crap.’ Kate took her finished bowl to the sink. ‘Think about it. We’re just hassled off, that’s why we don’t bother. You have to be tough to survive in that male zoo.’
I laughed. I used to visit the zoo and watch the animals for hours. It made me sad, seeing unhappy animals. I was asked why I went if it made me cry. I said I took love to the zoo, and would try and explain to the captive animals and birds, why humans did what we did. I shed more tears at the enclosures of the rare and endangered creatures. I wished I could take them all home to their natural habitat. That’s if it was still there!
Kate washed the breakfast things while I ran the vacuum cleaner over the carpets. I grabbed Toby’s skateboard and hoped he wouldn’t go off about it or anything. Maybe I wouldn’t tell him.
We raced up to the roof. It was hot, the air motionless, the sky hazy. I walked to the edge of the roof. Heat was shimmering off the road. Behind me I could hear Kate do a few running jumps on the skateboard.
I turned around to watch.
‘You’re pretty good.’
‘It’s a bit like surfing, you know the balance thing,’ Kate replied.
After a few more twists and turns, Kate jumped off. The skateboard crashed into the wall.
‘Hey don’t wreck it, Toby will kill me.’
‘Sorry.’
I picked up the board. ‘How are we going to do this?’
‘Because you’re a fraction taller than me, I reckon you better stand behind me.’
I got on the board first. Kate hopped in front. We both immediately fell off, laughing.
We tried really hard several times, but laughter got the better of us. I thought I was going to wet my pants.
‘I have to run downstairs to the toilet.’ I ran off hoping I’d make it.
Every time I thought how stupid it must have looked, both of us trying to fit on the skateboard, I’d laugh some more.
When I got back to the roof Kate was sitting down.
‘Maybe it’ll only work if I lift you up, or you lift me.’
‘You’re joking. There’s no way I could lift you up and balance. No way. Forget it.’ This was fast becoming a stupid idea.
‘There must be a way we can practise as if we were on a surfboard. I’ve seen it done.’
‘There’s not even enough room for us both to squat down. I think it’s not going to work.’
Kate looked thoughtful. ‘We’ll just have to practise on a board in the water then.’
‘What?’
‘You heard. We’ll have to do it out there.’ Kate pointed out to sea.
‘I don’t know.’
‘Don’t be a wimp. Come on, let’s give it a go.’
‘The water’s as flat as a pancake.’
‘Not now. Maybe this afternoon?’
I looked out to sea. In the distance were three big tankers heading south.
‘Okay. I’m game.’
Kate grabbed my hand and gave it a peculiar shake.
‘We’ll make a great tandem team.’
‘Maybe.’ I wasn’t as confident as Kate. ‘It’s too hot up here. Let’s go back downstairs.’
I’d heard the postman’s bike as I exited the roof. I hoped my results weren’t there. That’s all I needed to start the weekend.
‘Are you going back to school?’ I asked Kate as we sat at the bench with a cold drink.
‘Depends on my results.’
‘How do you think you went?’
‘Hard to tell. I could have done better. I had a few distractions in the year. School came second, so I did a lot of assignments at the last moment. You know, day before sort of stuff.’
‘Me too,’ I said gloomily.
I dreaded opening my results. I’d have to check the mailbox before Aunt Jean. I was sure the letter was sitting in there today.
‘I want to do archaeology,’ Kate said.
‘Why?’ I’d never met anyone who’d chosen that as a profession.
‘I think I like the past better than the future,’ Kate laughed.
‘We’re the problem solvers of the future.’ My past was behind me and I never wanted to dig it up.
‘What about you?’
It was a question I dreaded. I couldn’t exactly say to Kate what I’d said to Aunt Jean about being the world champion surfer as my career. I was afraid Kate would laugh at me.
‘I don’t know if I want to go to uni. Maybe photography or media at the Tech.’
‘Would you leave school if you’ve failed this year?’
I was stumped. I’d mapped out my career path. I was going to become a professional surfer. Why did I feel too embarrassed to tell Kate the truth?
‘No, I’d repeat. I haven’t really thought about it. I won’t worry about it till I have to.’
‘My parents expect me to do something they want. I’m not quite sure what that is. They’re in for a big shock when I tell them. I think Mum wants me to do medicine like her.’
‘I didn’t know that your mother’s a doctor. What’s she like?’
‘Hardly ever at home. Work’s her life. I don’t know her, much. The older I get, the more like a stranger she becomes.’ Kate took a sip. ‘My dad’s an architect. He works from home. I know him better. He surfs, so we sort of share that, I guess. When Mum’s home, she’s the boss. Really uptight, yells and stuff like that. Nothing’s ever right. Dad and I stay out of her way; go surfing, anything to get out of the house.’
‘The other day, you said your mother would’ve slapped you down if you’d acted like that little girl on the beach. Did you mean it?’
‘No. Not really. Mum’s yelling is like being slapped down, believe me. When I was little I was smacked a few times, but not like thrashings or anything.’
I took a deep breath, praying this conversation would go no further. This subject was dangerous territory. Questions about how I was treated by my mum and dad. Was I ready to tell Kate any truth? I felt uncertain, but it’d probably be better for our friendship if I could be honest. I’d only known her a few days. I just wasn’t sure what the best thing to do was. I stayed quiet. The phone rang. I grabbed it.
‘Hi Jules.’ It was Phoebe.
‘Hi. I was going to ring you later.’
‘W
hat are you up to?’
‘Kate and I are just sitting talking. What about you?’
‘Jasmine’s driving me crazy. She’s going on and on about being bored and nothing to do.’
‘It’s bloody hot. Do you want to come over?’
‘Cool. One of my cousins is here, can I bring her?’ Phoebe asked. I could tell she was biting her nails by her muffled voice.
‘No, of course not, what are ya? You don’t have to ask. Bring her. We could go skateboarding or something.’
‘Get real. No way. I’m too old to hang around skate parks perving on boys.’
‘I didn’t mean to perve, I meant to skate.’
‘Get a life Jules. No way. Maybe we won’t come over,’ Phoebe said sarcastically.
‘No probs, see you soon.’
It was hard sometimes when your friends didn’t want to do what you wanted, but couldn’t think of anything better. In the end we’d do nothing because no one would agree or make a decision.
I told Kate that Phoebe and Jasmine were coming over.
‘Cool. I like them.’
‘That’s one worry off my mind,’ I said dramatically, wiping my brow.
‘How come they’re not into surfing?’
‘They hate the beach. They’d rather hang in the city.’
‘All those piercings Jasmine has, she’d leak like a sieve at the beach.’
‘Some of them aren’t real. They’re screw-ons.’
‘I used to have some, but I let them close over. Couldn’t be bothered looking the same as everyone else. It was like a competition to see whose face could have the most holes. I’m totally over it.’ Kate stared out the window.
‘I sometimes wear the screw-ons when we go out, so I look normal.’
Kate laughed. ‘I used to be desperate to be one of the crowd. I hung with what my mum called a bad lot. I got into a bit of trouble, so to avoid worse things I concentrated on surfing. It kept Mum off my back.’
I wondered what the trouble had been. I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to share too much with Kate otherwise I’d have to reciprocate with stories of my own. I’d told Phoebe and Jasmine that I’d lied to Kate about my parents.
The buzzer rang. I automatically opened the door and waited for my friends to come up the stairs. I felt throbbing in my head and the light at the bottom of the stairs appeared very bright. I hoped I wasn’t getting a headache.
Still Waving Page 10
