by J. S. Scott
Tate grinned. “The fake boyfriend?”
“How did you know?” Hope added cream and sugar to her coffee and took a long sip, savoring the rich flavor.
“Because I’m not Jason. The guy’s not thinking right at the moment. It wasn’t hard to figure out, but it took me awhile. I think I finally figured it out when there was no email or information on him in your computer.”
“So you didn’t think you needed to tell him about that?” She shot him an annoyed look.
“Nah. I figured you’d fess up eventually.”
“I told him almost everything. There are just some things I don’t want to talk about. I still have a few…issues.” Hope sighed. “I can’t stay married to him.”
“We all have issues,” Tate grumbled. “The only way you can resolve this with Jason is to talk to him. Believe me, he wants more than to get into your panties,” Tate told her bluntly. “If that’s all he wanted, he could have gotten a piece of action with another woman without all that effort.”
Hope knew that, and she still didn’t completely understand Jason’s motivation. She was fairly certain the only reason he stuck to his guns now was to keep her from doing anything dangerous. “Then why didn’t he?” she asked desperately. “Why didn’t he just find another woman and walk away from me in Vegas?”
Tate crossed his arms over the back of the chair and stared her down. “I think that’s something you’ll have to figure out for yourself.”
Hope let out an exasperated breath. “I know I should tell him. He’s confused by some of my fears. He knows everything else. I just have a hard time…reliving it.”
“As difficult as I know that will be, I want you to be able to move on completely, which means confronting Jason, letting him know the whole truth,” Tate said solemnly, picking up his coffee.
“Me too. I want to move on.” She wished she had Tate’s confidence so she could be completely whole again. She had thought that she was doing well…until she’d seen Jason. He made her yearn for things she hadn’t ever missed before. Last night, and her experience with Jason during the holidays, had been telling. There were still some ghosts she apparently hadn’t exorcised.
“How long are you staying?”
“Two weeks. He’s blackmailing me,” Hope told Tate unhappily.
Tate smirked. “Smart man. He threatened to tell your family if you leave?”
“Yes.”
Tate chuckled.
“Tate?” Hope said quietly.
“Yeah?”
“You’re kind of a jerk,” she told him.
He smirked. “I never claimed to be anything else, darlin’.”
Hope rolled her eyes. As much as she owed Tate, he annoyed her with his vagueness. She supposed that came with the territory of being Special Forces. “Are you out of the military?” she asked curiously.
He nodded. “Over a year ago.”
Mercifully, Tate dropped the subject of Jason. She and Tate made small talk until they finished their coffee and he walked her back to the guesthouse.
She gave Tate a hug on the doorstep as he departed, just as Jason flung open the door.
“I’ll give you two seconds to take your hands off my wife before I kill you,” Jason growled angrily.
Hope immediately leapt out of Tate’s friendly hug, startled when she saw the murderous expression on Jason’s face as he stared at Tate.
“She was out wandering around in the woods. Maybe you should take better care of your wife,” Tate answered smugly to deliberately provoke Jason.
“Bastard,” Jason grunted as he tried to get around Hope to get to Tate.
“Stop,” Hope squeaked loudly. “Jason, I need to talk to you.” She stayed between him and Tate and pushed against Jason’s chest. “Tate, thank you for walking me home, although I could have found my way back quite easily.”
“I think it’s becoming a habit to get you back home safely, H.L. Sinclair,” Tate answered enigmatically. “I told you he cares about more than just sex,” he added quietly before he turned around and walked back toward the path to his house.
“What the fuck did he mean by that?” Jason rumbled. His sapphire eyes shot fire at Tate’s back.
“Nothing,” she hedged as she tried to push Jason back through the door. She’d made some decisions on her walk back from Tate’s house, and she wanted to talk to Jason, needed to try to explain. If she did, maybe he’d agree to help her become whole again. If she didn’t try, she’d have to live with the regret of never knowing what would have happened had she asked for Jason’s help.
And she’d lived through more than enough things she now regretted.
Turning abruptly, Jason stormed back into the house.
Hope let out a relieved breath, and walked behind him and into the house. She hadn’t been quite sure Jason wasn’t going to follow Tate. She closed the door behind her and followed Jason into the living room.
“Talk,” he demanded. He sunk into a leather recliner, his expression stormy. “Tell me how you end up making out with a guy you just met. Jesus, Hope. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“I wasn’t making out with him,” Hope answered indignantly. “I was hugging him. And I didn’t just meet him today. We’ve…met before.” She dropped her camera and the case carefully on the coffee table and sat on the couch across from him, drawing her legs beneath her.
You can do this. Just tell him. Jason’s the only man who can help you right now.
“How in the hell did you meet Colter? He never said he knew you. Were you sleeping with him between boyfriends and breakups?” Jason exploded. His expression grew cold. “I don’t get you anymore, Hope. One minute you’re freaking out over foreplay, and the next morning I find you wrapped up in another man.”
“I know.” Hope knew her behavior confused him. Putting herself in his shoes, he probably thought she was psychotic. “I’d like to explain. Please.”
“I wish somebody would,” Jason grumbled, his expression irascible.
Hope took a deep breath. “I knew Tate by the name of Colt. It’s what he used as a code name when he was in Special Forces. I didn’t know he was here, or that he was one of the Colorado Colters. He and his Special Forces team saved my life three years ago.” She saw Jason open his mouth to ask a question, but she held her hand up, anxious to get her story out before she caved. “Just let me tell you the story first.”
Jason nodded, not saying a word as he stared at her darkly.
Hope continued, “I was only a year into my career, and still trying to make a name for myself. I was just starting to get a foothold by taking pictures of extreme weather. I knew there was a cyclone that was going to hit on the coast of India. I got on a plane alone and traveled there, setting myself in a safe place on high ground. The storm was worse than was predicted, and the coastline became a disaster. I was safe, but the damage was enormous, and everything was very chaotic. No one really noticed when I was pushed into the trunk of a car and taken away.”
Hope started to breathe heavily, but kept talking to get everything out. “I was terrified and everything was dark for what seemed like days, but it was only a few hours. When the trunk was finally opened, I was far away from the coast and had been taken into a broken-down house outside of a village at gunpoint.” Hope shuddered as she remembered the stone cold, emotionless look in the foreign man’s eyes, but she shook it off. “There was a…man. I wasn’t sure what was happening at first and I begged him to let me go before the authorities found out. He spoke broken English, enough to understand what I was saying. He just laughed, and he kept laughing while he…he…” Oh, God. Just say it! “He raped me, Jason. Several times. I fought him, I screamed and tried to get away, but I couldn’t. And it hurt. It hurt so badly. After a while, everything got pretty foggy. He beat on me to shut me up, but nobody came to help me.”
The tears flowed down her face as she went on. “I think he planned on killing me, but I told him if he contacted the American Embassy he might
be able to get some money if he kept me alive. Between—” Hope’s voice cracked, but she finished, “Between assaults, he contacted them, and the embassy stalled for time. Tate’s unit was there in India. I found out later they were really close by, actually tracking this particular man because he was a well-known terrorist hiding out in India. I think they knew their best chance was to attempt a rescue because he was going to kill me either way, whether they paid money or not. Tate’s team stormed the house and killed the terrorist while I was still alive. They saved my life.” Hope sobbed and tried desperately not to remember the pure terror she had felt that day, but failed miserably.
“Tate stayed with me all the way back to the States, talking to me, trying to help me. I never saw him again after that. I never even got a chance to thank him. I was grateful to see him today, happy to get a chance to thank him for what he and his team had done for me.” Hope didn’t look at Jason. She couldn’t. “I went through two years of counseling. The military treated me for my injuries. I had to be tested for HIV at three months and again at six months, and they were negative, thank God. There was never any case to pursue. Tate killed the man who assaulted me, and I thought I was over the incident…until I saw you again. I wanted you, Jason. My body came alive with something I’ve never experienced before. It isn’t that I’m not willing. I’d like to know what it would be like to be with you. I just emotionally…can’t.” She closed her eyes.
Hope suddenly felt her entire body being lifted up, as Jason sank into the couch and lifted her onto his lap. He ran his hand over her hair and kissed her forehead. His other hand ran up and down her back soothingly. “Christ! I’m sorry, Peaches. I didn’t know. I never imagined—” His voice broke, pain and anger both evident in his tone.
Hope buried her face against his shoulder. “I’d never been with a man willingly. I’d never wanted anyone enough.”
“You were still a virgin when it happened,” Jason stated in an anguished voice. “Fuck. I wish I could dig the bastard up and kill him again.” His voice started to vibrate violently, and he buried his face in her hair. “I’m sorry, Hope…so damn sorry. I should have fucking known something was wrong. I was too tied up in my emotions to see you. And I hate myself right now for that,” he choked out, his hold on her tighter. “I hate that you went through that all alone. Goddammit! Why wasn’t I there? Why wasn’t I there for you then?” He rocked her on his lap as his body quaked with emotion.
“It wasn’t your fault.” She let him comfort her, keep her safe in his arms. She hadn’t reconnected with David then, and they hadn’t been close. It felt so good to have someone, especially Jason, finally give her solace. Even though she was reliving the horrifying experience, she felt secure in his arms. “Nobody knew. It was a top-secret mission; there were no witnesses and the Indian police never found out. Only the American Embassy and the government were involved. It was an isolated area outside of a village. It was never leaked to the media, and I was grateful for that.” It had been horrifying enough without having to deal with a media circus.
“But you needed somebody then, sweetheart. You were all alone, damn it,” he rasped as he buried his face in her hair. “I’ve been a major bastard to you, Hope. I never knew. I never knew.” He rocked her harder, his grip on her body clingy and desperate.
The agony in his voice made Hope tremble and feel the volatility of his regret. “You didn’t know. And I’m glad you’re here now. I was alone, and it was hard. It’s easier now.”
“I won’t make you stay, Hope. And I’ll never threaten you again. I’ll do anything to make this up to you.”
Her heart clenched and she threaded her hands through his hair, giving him back the comfort he gave her so readily. “I want to stay.”
“Thank fuck,” he growled protectively. “I need to be with you. I want to show you I’m not an asshole all the time.”
Hope smiled through her tears. “I know.”
“You’re not going to be alone. I’ll always be there for you from now on. Jesus, you’ve handled way too much on your own.” His body still quaked, and he still rocked her gently. “You need somebody, Hope. Let me be that man. Please.”
She didn’t just need somebody; she needed him. Instinctively, she knew that Jason was exactly what she needed. “I’m scared,” she admitted hesitantly.
“Christ. I’m sorry. The last thing I want is for you to be afraid of me. I just wanted you to want me,” he admitted huskily.
“I do. You’re the only man I’ve ever wanted this way. But hopefully you can understand that my fears took over. It wasn’t you I was rejecting. It was the act itself. I get flashbacks when it comes to actually being…penetrated. Or confined.” She was blunt. She needed to be for him to understand.
“I won’t touch you sexually again. I swear.”
It was the opposite of what she actually wanted, and somehow she needed to explain. She opened her mouth to tell him, but closed it when he spoke again.
“You could be dead. Just the fact that you’re here is a fucking miracle, that I can hold you like this.”
“I lived, Jason. I’m grateful for that.”
“You went back into the field again. Why?” He lifted his head to force her gaze to his, his expression still tormented.
Hope stared into his turbulent, troubled eyes. “I had to,” she confessed. “I went into a bad depression for a few months, terrified to leave my condo, scared of almost everything and everyone. But I finally decided that I couldn’t let him win. He told me he hated Americans; he spit on me. In the end, I needed to spit on those memories, to bury them. He was dead and I was still alive. I needed to really live, not just exist, in order to beat him. It was hard to go back, to travel again. But it got easier. I desperately needed to take my power back again, and I did when it came to doing my job.”
Hope took a deep breath, ready to try to explain what she wanted. “It’s just that I can’t seem to actually have sex. Honestly, I never even tried until you. There wasn’t a man who made me want those things. I think it’s the thought of being…invaded that freaks me out. All I remember is the pain, and it throws me back there again. Honestly, I haven’t wanted to do anything until you. I want you to help me, Jason. Help me get over my fears.” If Jason couldn’t do it, nobody could. She’d decided to ask him for help on her walk back to the guesthouse. She needed to get past her fear now that she knew that it was there, and the only man she wanted was Jason.
He gaped at her, concern in his eyes. “Hope, I can’t force you after—”
“I’m clean and I’m on birth control. After what happened, I take the Pill faithfully because I still travel internationally, and I know what can happen. Maybe that’s still a little paranoid. What are the chances that it will happen again? But it makes me feel safer. I was grateful I didn’t catch anything and I didn’t get pregnant. It isn’t that I’m not willing. I want you to understand that, understand why I went a little crazy last night. You know all of my secrets now. I want to stay with you for the next two weeks and try to get over this. When it’s over, we can go our separate ways, no matter what happens.” She almost choked on her words; it would be difficult to say goodbye, but she understood that she had to try. She might go her whole life without feeling the way she felt about Jason. This could be her only chance.
“You have to trust me, Hope. Really trust me,” Jason said huskily. He stroked her cheek, his eyes cryptic. “Now that I know what you went through, I’m scared, too. I don’t want to hurt you, and I don’t want you to suffer another minute of pain.”
“We don’t have any secrets anymore. I trust you. Do you still want me even though I’ve been…used?” She’d gone through years of feeling dirty and undesirable.
He broke eye contact and pulled her head against his chest. “I think I want you even more. You’re probably the bravest woman I’ve ever known. Tate and his men might have rescued you, but you helped save your own life because you’re smart. I just wish I would have known about thi
s sooner. I can’t believe you went through all of this and never told your brothers.”
“I couldn’t. I trust you not to tell them. It won’t change anything now,” she answered nervously. There was no reason for her brothers to ever know, and she didn’t want to talk about it again.
“I’ll never give away your secrets,” Jason replied gutturally.
Jason asked questions, mostly about her feelings during the entire experience and details about how Tate rescued her, and she answered them, feeling much safer talking about it now that her story was out. He was patient, let her answer in her own time, but kept his arms protectively around her, her body cradled in his lap.
By the time she was done telling him every detail he wanted to know, Hope felt nothing but relief, her conscience completely clean. She relaxed in his arms, feeling safe, her body and mind exhausted with relief.
Jason was in Hell, and feeling very much like the Devil himself.
Coward!
His conscience ate at him after what Hope had revealed, hammered at him to tell Hope that he’d cold-bloodedly set up this complete sham to get her married to him. But how could he do that now, when he desperately needed her to trust him?
Christ! He’d lied to her, manipulated her, accused her of some nasty things that she wasn’t guilty of at all. She’d been raped. Repeatedly. Beaten. Terrified. All he wanted to do was fix everything, take it all away. But he couldn’t, and he hated himself for that.
Bastard!
Asshole!
Selfish prick!
Hope had suffered through horrors that he couldn’t even imagine, and yet he’d never stopped to think that maybe something was seriously wrong with her. He’d been too damn worried about himself, how he could fuck her to alleviate his own needs. Did he think about her needs? No…he hadn’t, and he should be shot for being such a self-centered son of a bitch.
She’d been brave enough to spill her own life-altering secrets, and they had turned his guts inside out. He couldn’t think about her ordeal or how much she’d suffered—how close she’d come to dying—without completely losing his fucking mind. Just thinking about her trapped in the trunk of a car, taken to God knows where in a foreign country, and being violated over and over again made his entire body shudder with fury. His protective instincts were on overdrive, and he never wanted to let her out of his sight again.
