by V. A. Dold
She sucked in a breath and concentrated on curbing her panic. Her reaction to his attempted kiss and pulling her from Oreo shocked her more than it did him. She must still harbor deep-seated issues with men.
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”
Still sniffling, she eased from his arms. “No, you’re right. I have been sending mixed signals, but not intentionally. To be honest, I’m a confused mess. There’s a lot about me you don’t know.”
He reached for her again, but she stayed just out of range.
She watched him warily. “I’m sorry. It’s not you—”
He held up one hand. “Please, don’t give me that old cliché.”
She pinched her lips together, wiped at her eyes, and stared hard into the distance.
“Whatever is bothering you, we can work it out. Just talk to me, okay?”
“I thought I was ready. Clearly, I’m not. I’m sorry. Maybe I should head back before I ruin your entire afternoon.”
“Please, don’t go. Let’s enjoy the rest of the ride. I promise I won’t make a move on you.”
She searched his eyes. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive. Would you like a boost into the saddle?”
Carol stiffened. “No, I can do it.”
*****
Carol rubbed Oreo down and gave her an extra portion of feed. Without looking Joe in the eye, she thanked him for the ride and rushed from the barn. She needed to talk to Kensie.
Fifteen minutes later, she located her friend in the kitchen of the main house making cocoa. Kensie took one look at her, switched the burner off, and reached for a second cup. “You look like you could use an ear to bend. Let’s take these to the main room, and you can tell me what put that look of fear in your eyes,” she suggested.
Carol took the cup Kensie held out to her and followed her to the conversation nook with its overstuffed furniture.
“All right, spill. What happened?”
“I panicked. Joe tried to kiss me, and I shied away, which wasn’t the worst of it. When he pulled me from my horse to talk, I freaked out.”
Kensie nodded, but remained attentive and silent as if prompting her to continue.
“There are things that happened in my life that even you don’t know about. Bad things.”
Kensie’s brows furrowed. She set her cup aside and leaned forward to put a hand on Carol’s knee. “If you want to tell me about these bad things, I’ll listen. I won’t judge you. You know that.”
Carol’s hand shook as she took a sip of the cocoa. She swallowed hard and then began to tell Kensie her story. “When I was a teenager and still had Pretty Girl, I boarded her outside of town at a small stable. Larry, the guy that cleaned the stalls and fed the horses, gave me the creeps, so I avoided him. But the stable was the only place to board her within fifty miles of my parent’s house, so my mother told me if I wanted to have a horse I had to suck it up. One day, Larry caught me in the paddock when no one else was around and pulled me off my horse.”
Carol began to shake so badly she paused to set her cup on the table beside her chair. She took a deep breath, twisted her hands in her lap, and continued. “I thought I was over this. I went to counseling for years, and Larry is behind bars. This shouldn’t be happening to me after all these years.”
Kensie took one of her hands and held it gently. “What happened?”
“Larry dragged me into the barn, and…and…” Carol buried her face in her hands and began to sob.
Kensie moved to the arm of Carol’s chair and rubbed soothing circles on her back. “You don’t have to go into detail. I get the picture.”
When Carol was calm enough, she gave Kensie a weak smile. “Thank you. Anyway, that’s why I panicked. When Joe pulled me from Oreo to talk, all I could see was Larry leering at me with his creepy black eyes. Suddenly, I was that terrified teen, and I couldn’t breathe. Then I went into total panic mode. I started to cry and made a soggy mess of Joe’s shirt. I couldn’t tell him my sordid story, so I apologized for sending mixed signals and told him I wasn’t ready.”
“Oh, sweetheart. I’m so sorry that happened to you. After what Larry did and how he did it, you have to see that your reaction is understandable. Without realizing it, Joe put you into a situation that held nightmares for you. But you know he would never do that on purpose, right?”
Carol nodded. “I know he wouldn’t. The counselor and I worked through everything, but I guess we missed the pulling from the horse part. I had no idea I still had issues. I mean, I have no problem with dating or sex. I guess between Terry messing with my head and Joe pulling me from the saddle, I snapped.”
Kensie narrowed her eyes and growled. “How did Terry mess with your head? What did that bastard do that I need to kill him for?”
Carol took her cup from the side table and sipped. She couldn’t look Kensie in the eye for the last part of her story. “After the encounter with Larry, I found myself pregnant. My mother didn’t want the baby to ruin her fifteen-year old’s life, and the counselor had doubts about my state of mind, and my ability to endure a pregnancy caused by my attacker. I was so messed up I did whatever I was told and had an abortion. When I turned eighteen and casually mentioned I wanted children one day, my mother confessed that the procedure went badly and I couldn’t have children.
When Terry proposed, I had to be honest with him about having a family. He used the information against me and tried to destroy my self-esteem. The things he said to me, and the names he called me were awful. The worst part was when he thought I had done something he disagreed with. That was when he would say things like, I was so ugly I could only get sex from a rapist. I guess between Terry drilling that garbage into my head and Joe doing the same thing Larry did right before he attacked me, my mind combined the two and came up with the wrong conclusion.”
Kensie stood and paced the room. “When we find out where Terry is, I’m going to rip his balls off.”
Carol gave Kensie a tiny smirk. “Get in line. I already called dibs. After he’s a bloody mess on the floor, I’m going to grab my dog and walk away.”
After a few minutes of ranting, Kensie returned to her chair. “Let me see if I got this right. You went to counseling, and except for the horse part, you’re pretty much okay, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
Kensie looked at her with sympathy. “I know you want a normal life. Don’t you want to be able to love a good man like Joe without the fear of a panic attack?”
“Well, yeah.” The way he made her feel was unlike anything she’d ever known. She wanted a relationship with a man who could make her feel like that.
“Here’s what I think you should do. I know a really good counselor in the next town over. I think you should talk with her. Tell her what you told me and see what she has to say. In the meantime, if you see Joe in the dining hall, have a harmless meal with him. Take as much time as you need to get to know him while you see the counselor. You can spend time with him without dating. Or, better yet, you could casually date him without mixing sex into it, if you’re not ready for that.”
Carol cocked her head and gave Kensie a good long look. “Why are you suddenly waving pom-poms around like the head cheerleader of team Joe? Why is it so important to you that I see him?”
“Because he’s the one for you. If you don’t believe me, ask Krystal.”
“Krystal? What does she have to do with this?”
Kensie waved her off. “Don’t ask me to explain. She has a weird sense about these things. If you want to find out why I’m suddenly team Joe, ask her.”
Carol shook her head. “There are days that I think you’ve lost your mind.”
Kensie laughed as she snagged her purse from across the room and dug out two business cards. “There are days I think that, too. Here’s the counselor’s card. Make an appointment, and don’t worry about the clinic. I’ll work around your sessions.
“I also have my doubts regarding your ability to bear
children. Medicine has come a long way.” She handed Carol a second card. “When you’re ready, make an appointment with my OB/GYN. She has a small practice here in town and really knows her stuff.”
Kensie was right. If she wanted a snowballs chance in Hades with Joe, she needed to get her head straight. She wasn’t sure if she believed in soulmates, but she had to admit, she had a strange, intense reaction to the man.
*****
Carol hung her head over the mug of coffee she clasped between both hands. After another sleepless night, she needed all the caffeine she could get. Thus, she was both drinking the black gold and inhaling the fumes. She knew the fumes wouldn’t provide the badly needed stimulant, but they smelled good, and that was enough for her.
After tossing and turning all night, she decided to bite the bullet and get it over with. As soon as the clock struck eight A.M., she would call the counselor. The gynecologist could wait. It wasn’t like she planned to have a baby anytime soon. She would cross that bridge if and when the time came.
As she filled her third cup, she smiled to herself. She recalled her mother’s reaction to her choice of professions. For someone who hated going to the doctor as much as Carol did, her mother found it hysterical that she wanted to manage a doctor’s office.
She’d tried to explain that being a patient and managing the office were two completely different things. Her mother had laughed harder and wished her luck. There was just no explaining things to some people.
*****
Taking her seat in the counselor’s office, Carol tapped her fingers on the arms of her chair and took in the immense book filled shelves lining the walls. She suppressed a giggle when the thought, she must have a book for every psychosis known to man, crossed her mind. She couldn’t believe she was voluntarily going through this again.
Dr. Moore leaned forward in her chair and poured Carol a glass of water. “There’s no reason to be nervous. We’re just going to talk. After you called, I had your records sent over. I’ve gone over your history and progress. Why don’t you tell me why you’re here today?”
Carol told Dr. Moore what happened with Joe in great detail. Then she told her about Terry. She knew from experience any tiny nuance could be a clue to helping her. For the entire thirty minutes, the doctor nodded when appropriate as she took extensive notes. Finally, Carol sat back and sipped her water. The hard part was over.
Dr. Moore finished her notes and set her pen aside. “You’re a remarkably strong woman, Carol. From what I observed, you survived Terry’s manipulations with little emotional damage.
“Not many women could go through that kind of degradation and come out unscathed. The issue appears to be your trigger with the horse. Your subconscious mind latched onto the action of being pulled from a horse to mean a rape would follow.
“You don’t have an issue with men and relationships or intercourse. So, this is what I suggest. Start small. Have a man take hold of your waist and pull you from the floor, then work up to a chair, etc. Don’t try this from a horse just yet. The action is the trigger, and we need to retrain your mind.
“Once you’re comfortable with the smaller, unrelated situations, and you feel ready to try the horse again I want you to change the scenario. Instead of you sitting upright and being dragged off, lean into the man, kissing him might help, anything to change the action and emotion centered on being helped from a horse.”
Carol nodded. “That makes sense.”
“I want to hear from you every couple of days. Tell me what you’ve tried and how it went. If you have a setback, I want to see you here in my office.”
“All right.”
“Now, this last part may be the most uncomfortable for you but is very important. I would like to meet with Joe and go over with him what I want him to do to help you.”
Carol shook her head vigorously. “No way. I only just met him. Why would he want to get involved in all of this?”
“Carol. He’s already involved. The moment he tried to kiss you and pulled you from the horse, he became very much involved.”
Carol stood and paced the room. “I don’t know him well enough to ask him to see a counselor for me or to deal with my problems.”
“That won’t be an issue. With your permission, I’ll call Kensie and have her speak with Joe. If he isn’t willing to see me, Kensie and I can discuss who might be willing to help you. I won’t divulge more information regarding your history than is necessary. All they need to know is you have a past that causes you to panic when pulled from a horse. Any further information you choose to share with them is up to you.”
“Sure, okay, I’ll talk to Kensie when I get home and see who she thinks would be a good choice. Maybe her husband Lucas could take the role of the man?”
Dr. Moore’s lips twitched, but she didn’t comment. She reached into her desk and pulled out a form. “This is a waiver that will allow me to speak with Kensie and the man who will help you. If you’ll sign and date it, I’ll take care of the rest.”
Carol read over the form and signed. “Do I need to make another appointment?”
Dr. Moore took the form and placed it on top of her notes. “Not right away. Let’s see how you progress with the exercise I gave you and stay in touch by phone. If and when you need another session, we’ll meet in person. You may find, you don’t need further counseling.”
*****
Joe reined in his horse under a shade tree and rubbed his eyes. Worry over Carol had kept him awake most of the night. He just couldn’t get the image of her sobbing in his arms out of his head. He wanted to head back and find her. Make sure he hadn’t destroyed his chance with her. But he had work to do.
Until Janice had spoken to him from the beyond and he’d met Carol, he hadn’t given much thought to growing old alone. Now, the house that used to be his refuge was too quiet, too empty. Much like his heart. He always thought his heart had turned to stone when Janice died. One look at Carol, and he knew he couldn’t have been more wrong. Now he understood why Lucas pushed him to date. The problem was, he hadn’t been ready before. Now, he prayed he hadn’t messed up with the one woman who was able to make him feel again.
Lucas was right, not that he was going to admit it. Life wasn’t worth living without someone to share it with. Even though he had his kids, it wasn’t the same. Besides, someday soon, they would grow up and have lives of their own. He didn’t care for the thought of being an old broken down cowboy, eating frozen dinners, and drowning his loneliness in a bottle.
He had to find a way to make things right with Carol. Before he knew what he was doing, he had his horse turned toward home. Though he was too far away to see the buildings, his eyes searched for rooflines as he crested a hill.
He couldn’t see the buildings yet, but he did see Lucas racing toward him, hell bent for leather.
Joe waved away the cloud of dust raised by Lucas as he skidded to a stop. “Doesn’t that horse have a slower speed?”
Lucas grinned and patted Elvis’s neck. “Sure. But my boy likes to run.”
Joe swatted at his jeans and shirt with his hat, raising another cloud of dust. “I can see that. So what set fire to his tail and brought you out here?”
“I need to have a word with you in private. I knew you were out here alone and it seemed as good a time as any.”
“All right. What’s on your mind?”
“Carol, to be frank. She needs a little help, and I thought you might like to be the man for the job.”
Joe’s gaze shot from his dusty clothing to Lucas’s face. “Why does she need help? Is she okay?”
Lucas raised his hands. “Calm down. She’s fine. Mostly. She had something happen in her past that causes panic attacks. A counselor suggested she work on that with the assistance of a man.” Lucas shrugged, “I just thought you might want to be the guy to help her. If I’m wrong, I’ll ask Ace to do it.”
Just the mention of Ace got Joe’s blood boiling. “Hell, no. I’ll do it. No one touc
hes Carol but me.” Then he paused. “What exactly will I be doing?”
“First of all, you’ll need to have a short meeting with her counselor for instructions. From what I gather, you’re going to help Carol get used to being assisted from the floor and chairs and such. It has something to do with working up to being helped from a horse.”
Joe rubbed his jaw. “I could do that. When does this counselor want to see me?”
“Right away, I think. Kensie has Dr. Moore’s number. She’s just waiting for you to agree.”
“All right, I’m almost through here. Then I’ll head home and shower. Could you ask Kensie to make the call for me? I’ll talk with Dr. Moore today if she has time to see me.”
“You got it. I’ll leave you to finish up, let me know how it goes.”
Joe waved off another cloud of dust as Lucas rode away.
It wasn’t more than fifteen minutes and his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. He continued down the line of fence he was checking as he pulled it from his jeans. “Hey, Kensie. I talked to Lucas. I assume this is about Carol.”
“Hi, Joe. You’re right, it is. I have an appointment for you in two hours. Will that work for you?”
He glanced at the fence he was finishing up. “Yeah, that should give me plenty of time.”
“Great. Thank you for doing this. Carol means the world to me.”
“You’re welcome. I better get back to work if I’m going to make it to town on time. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Good luck, Joe. Let me know how it goes. Bye.”
*****
Carol thanked Dr. Moore and went to her car. Her heart stuttered when she saw a piece of paper under the wiper. Terrified to look at it, but needing to know what it said, she pulled it free.
In scrawling letters it said. “I can’t wait to be alone with you.”
Carol dropped it like it was on fire. She glanced around to see if someone was watching, but she was alone. Why would someone do something so cruel?
