Maybe this was the time I should break free and spend a couple of seconds on a call? If I did it on speakerphone I could do it at the same time as trying the abdominal thrust. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and put it on the bedside table, dialled 999 and put it on speaker. Beth’s eyes were wide and frightened as she looked at me. She was still gasping for air but she was getting weaker. She wasn’t a woman with a lot of strength in her anyway.
‘I’m going to do the abdominal thrusts on you, Beth,’ I said as I shuffled around behind her on the bed.
Beth nodded, understanding what was happening.
‘Hello, which emergency service please?’ a disembodied voice came out of the phone.
I wrapped my arms around Beth, felt for the bottom of her ribcage and locked my fingers together, pushing my hands together so they were strong when I pulled.
‘Ambulance,’ I shouted.
I took a quick deep breath in and then pulled up and under and hard as I could. There was a grunt from Beth but nothing else.
‘Ambulance, how can we help?’
‘I have a woman with MS who is choking on a biscuit,’ I shouted. ‘I’ve done back slaps and am now trying abdominal thrusts. Please hurry.’ I gave them Beth’s address.
I did a second thrust in and up, the fear of breaking her ribs needled deep within me. She was so fragile, so skeletal due to the difficulties in eating properly. Still Beth couldn’t breathe. Her lips were solid blue now and her eyes were no longer wide in panic but starting to close.
I pulled up and under again for a third time, tears were streaming down my face. I couldn’t lose this woman. I loved her so much. There was no way I could lose her. Not like this. Beth sank forward into my arms that were holding her a slight wheezing coming from her. It still hadn’t worked.
‘Please, Beth, please. Don’t leave me.’
I yanked in as hard as I could, using every ounce of strength I had in me. Beth coughed hard and then collapsed right into my arms.
‘Beth.’ I checked her.
‘Thank you.’ It was barely more than a whisper. I gently pulled her back into me and lifted my arms so they were around her shoulders and cradled her in my arms.
‘You scared me,’ I told her. ‘I thought I was going to lose you. Tonight. To a biscuit.’
Beth rested her head back on my shoulder. She was exhausted.
‘There’s an ambulance coming,’ I said.
She nodded, weak and limp in my arms.
‘I’m okay,’ she whispered. Her voice was cracked and broken.
‘Best to get you checked out now they’re called,’ I said. ‘You scared me to death, Beth.’
Her hand came up and grabbed hold of mine.
‘This is my life, Alice. This is what the disease is doing to me. This wasn’t a freak one-off accident, this was the disease in action.’ She stopped to clear her broken throat; it sounded like sand over glass.
‘My throat muscles are getting too weak to swallow and that’s why I choked on the biscuit. You know that. Stop burying your head in the sand.’
A tear slipped down my face. I couldn’t bear what was happening to her. That this was a part of her life. That she couldn’t eat or drink without this being a risk for her. The simple things in life were now a danger.
‘You see why I asked you what I did?’
I clung to her harder and nodded my head. I didn’t want to lose her but if I was in her position, I would not want to live like this.
‘Use your words, Alice,’ she scolded.
‘I understand more,’ I said. ‘I wouldn’t want to live like this, Beth. It’s selfish reasons that hold me back.’
She squeezed my hand.
‘I know, my sweet girl. It’s not just about living like this though, I will eventually die of this disease. It will rob me of everything and I want to go on my own terms. I want there to be dignity in death. I want there to be peace. I want to face it head on the way I decide. Not have life ripped from me with no say in it whatsoever.’
‘I’m on your side, Beth. What can we do?’
‘You’ve done it,’ she said and I could hear the smile in her voice.
40
I let myself into the house and went straight for the wine bottle that was in the fridge. I wasn’t doing bad lately to say I didn’t really drink. But I’d agreed to help Beth take her own life. I thought that deserved a drink or two or the rest of the bottle at least.
The ambulance had arrived and the paramedics examined her. As she was now calm and well and safe they deemed that they didn’t need to take her to the hospital. They advised her not to eat biscuits anymore which in return got them a flea in their ears from Beth for their trouble. She was not in a good mood with the whole MS thing this evening. They understood and continued to be kind to her which upset her even more. I stayed with her longer than I usually did because the whole situation had disconcerted her and I needed for her to be calm and relaxed so she could get some sleep.
Lilac seemed to sense something was wrong and she kept out of my way. I wasn’t even sure if she was still in the house. I didn’t care at this moment in time. All my mind could wrap itself around was that I was going to help Beth end her life. Not tonight, not tomorrow night, but at some point in the future I was going to help her to die. I was going to give her dignity in her death.
I swallowed the rest of the wine in the glass, and pouring the last of the wine from the bottle into the glass I took it to bed. It was a place I felt comfortable, at peace. A place I could think.
I curled up in the bed and thought about a life without Beth in it. A place where I didn’t have anyone of my own, no friend, no family, just a cat to talk to. Finishing the wine, I slipped under the covers and closed my eyes. It had been a long weird day and I was in need of some sleep, some rest. Some escape from it all into a dream world.
Without Beth I would have to actively try to find friends. There hadn’t been the need because I had her, but without her my world would become empty. My selfish needs could not be the ones that controlled this situation though. I needed to do what was best for her and tonight I had seen what it was she needed.
Morning slipped through my dreams and woke me early considering the late night I’d had. I stretched out and considered how I felt. There were so many emotions spinning around my body after the last couple of days. The kill, the police, Seth and his risk and then Beth and being frightened for her and then recognising what I would do for her.
As I thought about the night in the car park I felt a tingle of a thrill. That I had gone through with that. Seeing if I could kill someone and get away with it had seemed like an abstract idea until that point, even after the day on the cliff and the afternoon in the coffee shop. They were both very subdued affairs but this, this night in the car park, the nerves in my body had sparked. I was alive. There was no doubting that. In digging the knife deep into flesh and feeling the pop as it went in, I felt like a whole new person. Here I was trying something different and I had no qualms that I was going to get away with it at the point I was doing it. I felt alive. More alive than I had ever been. It was thrilling and as I thought back to it I realised I wanted to do it again. I wanted that buzz and to get that sense of life that it brought. With everything else I had going on, didn’t I deserve it?
The police had been another issue. They had brought me down a little and yet at the same time I felt the thrill of the chase. Them standing there in my home asking questions but not having a clue they were face to face with the killer they were hunting and they didn’t even know. How could you not be thrilled by that, even if it terrified you at the same time? The combination of emotions was exhilarating.
Seth had thrown a spanner in the works turning up at the Lido. He ran a real risk of turning it all upside down. If he turned up at the wrong place at the wrong time then all my planning would be for nothing. I meant what I said, he had to stay away. I couldn’t deal with having him in my life while I was doing this. It wasn’t
safe. If he didn’t listen to me then I’d have to consider what to do next. Killing him would be a difficult step to take but it was one I was prepared to make.
And Beth. My sweet, sweet Beth. I’d finally understood where she was coming from and why she wanted me to support her in death. I had never been so afraid as I had been last night. Watching her as she choked and nothing I did having an effect, it had cut me to the bone. If she had gone that way I don’t think I could have forgiven myself. I had refused to help her, told her I needed time. I might as well have refused, and there she was choking and I couldn’t stop it. Now I would. My selfishness had to stop. I had to think of her before me. I would do anything she asked of me.
I padded to the laptop on the table and clicked through to the news site. I wanted to read up on the latest on the murder. See what the police were releasing to the public. There was always something they held back. I’d know what it was.
The article was lengthy as it described what the witness had seen, who the victim was. A twenty-eight-year-old woman by the name of Pamela Cross, who left behind a husband and one-year-old daughter. The police were searching for witnesses. There was a helpline number at the bottom of the article.
What they hadn’t mentioned was how she had been killed. I knew it was unusual so they would use that to trip anyone up they had in to interview. Anyone who wanted to be me. They would want to know they had the real killer in their interview room.
I had done it. I had committed a murder and so far I had got away with it. Time would tell though. The police always needed a little time to investigate.
I just needed enough time to carry out Beth’s wishes before they came for me.
41
I couldn’t settle after such a difficult night – I had to go and see Beth and see how she was after the incident with the biscuit. I wanted to know she was okay, not just physically, but emotionally as well.
I walked into the house; it was early, I could hear voices, laughter even. I stood in the kitchen and listened. I was right, it was definitely laughter.
In the living room Karen and Joy were standing over Beth who was sitting in the chair.
‘And she said it was the fairy that drew the pictures on the walls,’ said Karen, giving out a loud raucous laugh again, and Beth chuckled along with her.
‘Morning,’ I said behind them.
The carers turned and smiled at me, both wishing me a good morning.
‘I’m telling Beth the latest antics from my granddaughter,’ said Karen. ‘My daughter has her hands full with that one.’
She laughed again. A sound filled with love. I looked at Beth who was beaming up at Karen. She enjoyed the stories of life outside the house.
‘From what I heard it sounds like it,’ I said and smiled. ‘She’ll keep you both on your toes, I imagine.’
‘She does that.’ Karen straightened the covers on the bed. ‘We wouldn’t be without her though. Adorable, she is.’
I turned towards the kitchen. ‘Can I make anyone a drink?’
‘No thanks, love, we’re about done here. We have to get on to our next client. Thanks anyway.’
Ten minutes later Karen and Joy were gone and a quietness fell over the house.
I made Beth and me a couple of drinks. This time there were no biscuits on a plate as I walked into the living room. Karen and Joy came in several times a day. It wasn’t cheap but Beth had sold her house, which she’d bought at a decent price in the seventies, and downsized. The house she sold had provided her a huge amount of money in the bank. When she’d been married her husband had been in banking, he had a good job and when they bought their house it had been expensive at the time, classed as a mansion. In the market when she sold it she had been shocked at the price it fetched. Now she could live in a small place and afford the carers she needed so she could live at home rather than move into a care facility.
‘I wasn’t expecting you today,’ she said.
‘Really?’ I placed the mugs down. ‘After yesterday?’
She shrugged. ‘I supposed I should have. How are you?’
‘You’re asking me. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?’
‘But you had a shock, Alice, seeing me like that.’
I had. I admit that. But I wasn’t the one living through it.
‘I’m okay,’ I said, leaning down and kissing her on the head.
‘But more importantly, how are you doing today? It was quite a scare you gave me yesterday.’
She let out a sigh.
‘I see you haven’t brought the biscuits out today.’
‘I’m sorry, Beth. I think it’s for the best.’
‘You made me a promise last night, you remember that, don’t you?’
‘I do. And I will stick to it. What about Dignitas? We can travel to Switzerland and do it over there?’
She looked at me. A long sad look.
‘Alice, I want to die at home, not in some strange land. The risk is just as high for you if you take me over there to die. In fact it’s more so. If we do it here we can at least try to make it look like I did it myself. Please say you’ll still help me?’
I grabbed hold of her hand.
‘I said I’d help you so I will. Please don’t worry about that. I’m here for you, Beth. Tell me when.’
‘Give me a couple of weeks to get a few things in order and then we’ll do it. Does that sound okay with you?’
I couldn’t think of anything that sounded less okay, but at the same time it was okay. It was what Beth wanted.
42
I decided to give Hashim a call. After all, he had always said that I could call him at any time I wanted, and I was in need of a friend; specifically, one who wasn’t going to interfere in my life and cause me any problems. Like Beth, Hashim kind of fitted that bill. What was it with me, that I could be friends with older people but not people of my own age?
The phone rang out and my skin prickled as I waited for Hashim to pick up.
‘Alice!’
‘Hi, Hashim, how are you?’
‘All the better for hearing your voice. It’s lovely to hear from you. How are you doing, love?’
‘I’m good. I was wondering…’ I felt a little silly now I’d made the call. I was so much younger than him, would he think me ridiculous for asking him out for a drink?
‘Would you like to meet up for a coffee, maybe?’ he asked. ‘I’d love to see you and catch up with you.’
I could practically hear his smile through the phone.
‘That sounds wonderful, I’d like that,’ I said.
A couple of hours later we were sitting in a coffee shop with a drink and a cake each.
‘Nothing like a little treat when you’re seeing a friend,’ chuckled Hashim as he spooned a large mouthful of carrot cake into his mouth.
I had to say I agreed with him. The brownie I had was delicious and eating it with Hashim was doing me the world of good. My nerves were calming.
‘So, what have you been up to?’ he asked.
‘I’m busy trying to finish my latest novel,’ I told him.
His eyes lit up. ‘That must be so fascinating. I must get one of your books out of the library.’
I laughed at him. ‘I’m not sure they’ll be to your taste, Hashim, they’re pretty murderous.’
‘I used to enjoy an Agatha Christie in my day, I’ll have you know.’ He puffed out his chest.
I couldn’t help but laugh again.
‘They’re a little different to Agatha Christie. But if you want to try one I’m not going to stop you. Just don’t tell me when you don’t like it.’
It was his turn to laugh at me. ‘Fragile skin?’
‘A little. I think my editor personally hates me when she sends me notes back. It takes me a while to remember she’s doing it to make the book better for the both of us.’
‘Maybe you can come out for cake when you get your editor’s notes back. That way you know you have a friend.’
�
��I think that sounds like a great idea.’
I savoured the brownie and the company I was in. I realised how lonely I was when I spent my days living with my characters, writing and not engaging with people and only seeing Beth a couple of times a week. It was nice to see someone other than Beth, no matter how much I loved her. There was room in my heart for more than one person, it would seem.
‘What’s happening in your life?’ I asked him.
Hashim swallowed down the mouthful of cake he was chewing.
‘Ah, I’m getting ever more frustrated with the neighbour next door. He’s playing music until two in a morning. It’s exhausting, Alice. And it’s not just me, I spoke to his neighbour on the other side and she said her baby is not settled and they have no routine now. She’s tried to talk to him but she’s got nothing from him.’
He played with the cake that was left on his plate.
‘I feel for him, I do, if he’s upset, but we don’t know that he is and it’s affecting everyone.’
He sighed and slumped and it was then that I saw how tired he looked.
This was my friend. Maybe I could do something to help.
‘Which neighbour is it?’ I asked.
‘Sixty-seven. Are you going to kill him off in one of your books for me?’
‘I’m thinking about it.’
I could do more than that for him. I could solve Hashim’s problem. I could make his life better. It would be hard. I’d have to try and find out if this guy ever left his house and where he went, and if where he went was suitable for what I needed, and if he didn’t, I needed to try and enter his house and do it in there without getting caught. We were talking about a whole other ball-game. But it was for Hashim, and after what he had done for me this was the least I could do.
I would have to give this one some serious thought, but after my last one, well, I was capable of doing what I wanted. And I wanted to make Hashim’s life better.
‘It was lovely to see you today,’ Hashim smiled at me. I got the sense he was as lonely as I was. He refused to let me pay the bill and when the barista came around with the card machine he took it all. I couldn’t stop him and thanked him profusely.
Perfect Murder Page 16
