toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons

by Christiana Miller

  My phone dinged. I picked it up. It was a text from Gus:

  What a fucking nightmare. I can’t believe that bitch betrayed us like that. And where the fuck did he get those photos?

  I texted back:

  Where are you?

  The response came quickly:

  In the crowd. Watch me.

  On TV, I saw Gus elbow his way to the front, and grab the microphone away from the Reverend.

  “I’m Gus Andrakis, here for the defendant, in this kangaroo court. What a bunch of malarky. If you’re going to vilify Mama Lua by public opinion, let me set the record straight. Mama Lua isn’t even here. She had to leave to take care of a family emergency. The store only recently reopened, under the auspices of myself and my colleague. We’ve been running the place for her until she returns. Unfortunately, before we arrived, Mama Lua’s home was vandalized. The results of that, are the photos the Reverend is showing you. I think the police would be very interested in learning how he happened to come upon them.” Gus turned to look at Emily. “As far as this young woman goes, we spent all night in her back yard to see if anything supernatural was going on. And this is the thanks we get?”

  “Not for free,” Emily said. “I had to pay you.”

  Gus ignored her and looked back out at the crowd. “All these problems that you’re up in arms about…Do you understand that Mama Lua’s not even here? These problems are happening in her absence and she’s still being unfairly blamed for everything. Her home was vandalized, probably by someone looking to frame her for this press conference today. You should all be ashamed of yourselves, letting your fear control you. Attacking a woman who’s not even here to defend herself, trying to destroy her livelihood and her reputation, with unsubstantiated rumors and lies. You should all be better than that. WWJD.”

  Cameras snapped away as Gus dropped the mic, walked over to the store, and entered the front door.

  “I WAS AWESOME, right? My TV Q-rating is going to soar. Did you record that?”

  I snorted. “One appearance doesn’t give you a TV Q-rating,” I said, turning off the TV and stretching my back. “And Mama Lua doesn’t have DVR service in here.”

  “Too bad. That is going to be the appearance heard around the world.”

  “Dream on. So, where have you been disappearing to?”

  “Meeting with a producer about a witchy reality show. They wanted to call it The Wizard of Odd, but that’s already taken. What do you think of Young, Witchy and Fabulous? Or Real Witches of L.A.? Or Wicked: In Real Time. Starring me, of course.”

  My jaw fell open. “We’re back in Los Angeles for five minutes and you’re already doing the Hollywood hustle?”

  “Why not? It’s fun.”

  “Is that who’s been leaving the hickeys? The producer?” A horrible thought struck me. “Are you planning to stay here? I thought this was just temporary. A working vacation.”

  “It is. This is just a sizzle reel. Nothing ever happens with them. They’re just a fun amusement. And if it sells, we can film anywhere.”

  “Real Witches of L.A.?” I pointed out.

  He made a sideways gesture with his head. “Okay, so maybe that title won’t work. What about The Witch Factor? Or American Witches? I have to go make a call. These titles are gold.”

  I sighed. “Take the trash out with you,” I said, pulling the bag out of the overflowing trash basket and handing it to him.

  He made a face, but took it out back.

  “LOS ANGELES already has an official witch. And it’s not Gus,” Aunt Tillie said, sliding out of the skull and appearing next to me.

  “Seriously?” I asked. “I didn’t know that. Who is it?”

  “Louise Huebner. Back in 1968. It started as a publicity stunt, by the city, to promote a series of concerts at the Hollywood Bowl. But you know witches. What you have, you hold.”

  “So, once they gave her the title, it was hers, come hell or high water?” I asked.

  Aunt Tillie nodded. “She may be the only witch in history to get over eleven thousand people in one spot, to do an energy raising and spellcrafting.”

  “That’s impressive. Can’t pull that off without some serious mojo.”

  “It made the news. Even back in Devil’s Point.”

  “What kind of spell did she do?”

  “Sex spell. It was the sixties, after all.” Aunt Tillie laughed. “The county tried to take away the title, and she threatened to undo the spell. Suddenly, all these big, powerful men were in fear of permanently losing their erections. They couldn’t back down fast enough.”

  I peeked out the front windows. Speaking of backing down, the crowd had finally dissipated, along with all the news vans and photographers.

  Thank goodness. Now I could finally get back to researching Emily’s demon. The last thing we needed was for her to call a news crew to her house, to show them the latest skeleton. Good thing Gus had snagged the bones she had already found, or I was sure they would have been featured on TV today.

  Considering the priest’s speech during the press conference, I didn’t want any of the demonology and dark magick books out on the bookshelves. At least, not while the store was under so much scrutiny. So, I stashed them all behind the counter, and then pulled out my personal stack to do more research.

  I was just flipping through the Encyclopedia of Demons when Emily and her psycho boyfriend walked in. Okay, I wasn’t sure if he was mentally unbalanced or just a jackass, but I didn’t like what I had seen of him during the press conference.

  I watched them from the counter, whispering to each other. They thought I couldn’t hear them, but pregnancy’s given me mommy ears. If I can see someone’s lips moving, I can usually nail what they’re saying.

  “You know I don’t like being here,” the guy whispered. “I can’t stand that fucking bitch.”

  “It’s just for a few minutes,” she whispered back. “Besides, Mama Lua’s not here. Go look at the merchandise or something.”

  His face lit up with something…almost avaristic. “Great idea, babe. Take your time.”

  I wanted to keep an eye on him, but Emily got in my face, while he disappeared down the aisle with cauldrons.

  “Mara, right? Any updates?” she asked, as if we were friends.

  “Yeah, mostly about you. Why would you take part in that press conference?”

  She stiffened. “I told the truth. If you get rid of the demon problem, I’ll be happy to tell that truth too.”

  “Somehow, I doubt the priest will hold a The Threat Is Gone press conference, unless he succeeds at shutting this place down.”

  “Maybe it should be shut down. If Mama Lua is causing these portals to open…”

  “You don’t know that,” I said. “Don’t you think it’s irresponsible to destroy a woman’s career, when you don’t have any freaking idea what’s going on or who’s behind it?”

  “All I did was tell the truth,” she repeated, her nostrils flaring.

  I really wanted to tear into her, but I had already banned one of Mama Lua’s customers and that didn’t go so well. “You told your version of the truth. And the timing sucked.”

  “So…where does that leave us?”

  I sighed. “We’re still going to take care of your demon problem. We’re not going to leave you at the mercy of the supernatural.”

  “Thank you. How’s it going?”

  “We’re working on it,” I said, pointing at my stack of demon books. “Can I ask you…when this whole thing started, did you notice anything unusual around the tire swing?”

  She puffed up her cheeks and then blew out the air, as she thought. “Not really…I mean…I thought I saw blood streaks in the grass, but then the phone rang, and Sil was watering the lawn, and by the time I got back, it was gone. The next morning was when I started finding bones.”

  I nodded. “Thanks.”

  “Is that helpful?” she asked, hopefully.

  “I don’t know yet. Did you notice anything else
unusual?”

  She was about to shake her head, then she shuddered. “It’s like, whatever skeleton I find, that animal is drawn to my yard. After I found the snake bones, I kept seeing a snake. Same thing with the possum. Is that important?”

  My mind flashed back to the radio channel that Gus and I had been listening to, and the story about the rabid fox sightings. “It could be,” I said. “Every little bit of information helps.

  “So, when do you think you’ll have this done?” she asked.

  “We just started. It’s not like this is a scientific, by-the-book process. We’re going to need a little time.”

  “You have tonight and tomorrow. If I find more bones on Saturday morning, I want my money back.” She must have noticed the look on my face, because she followed it up with: “If that’s a problem, you can take it up with my lawyer.”

  Yeah, the problem was that Gus might have already spent her money. “The only problem I have, is you. The more time I spend with you,” I pointed out, “the less time I’m able to spend on research.”

  “Fair enough,” she said. Then she called out to her boyfriend. “Come on, Sil, let’s go.”

  He popped up from the aisle, startling me when his head appeared. He was a tall guy, so he must have been checking out the cauldrons on the floor.

  “Ready whenever you are,” he said, smiling, as he strode to the door and held it open for her.

  AFTER THEY LEFT, Gus walked in the back as I was locking up the front. “I swear, no good deed goes unpunished.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “I scrubbed those stupid sigils off the wall this morning, but you could still see them. I finally gave up and painted over them. Didn’t you wonder where I disappeared to?”

  I shrugged. “I’m kinda getting used to you not being around.” I picked up my pile of books. “I’m beat.”

  “Where are you going?” Gus asked. “It’s kind of early for you to close the store, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t care. You want it open, you run it. I’m going to bed. Where I’m going to alternate napping and reading, until I get some kind of inspiration about this demon. If you don’t want to run it, go get us dinner. I’m famished.”

  “I can tell,” Gus said. “You’re cranky and you were eyeballing my arm like it was a snack. I’m starting to think pregnant women are more dangerous than demons.”

  “Not all pregnant women,” I said. “Just this one. So, bring me something tasty before I start gnawing on your limbs.”

  “Japanese soul food?” Gus asked.

  Daichan was a local Japanese soul food restaurant that we both loved, and hadn’t had in ages.

  “Yes,” I almost shouted. “Get me all of my usual stuff plus a few surprises. And get back here asap.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Gus said. “So, that’s one of everything, right?”

  I sighed. “Why don’t I call our order in, just to make sure it’s right.”

  Before I could pick up the phone though, Nick came strolling in. “How’s your little sigil problem?”

  “Hopefully, gone for good now. I scrubbed them with a mixture of Florida water and blue balls, then I painted over it. So we should be good.”

  “You two need to listen to me. Regardless of what my head-up-his-magickal-ass brother thinks, if the sigils keep coming back, someone’s painting them on there,” Nick said.

  “Stop trying to throw your mundane solutions on our magickal problems,” Gus sniffed. “You always take the fun out of things.”

  Nick ignored him and looked at me. “At night, are you hearing any unusual noises coming from the cottage?”

  Gus laughed. “With the way she snores? A family of growling bears could break in and it would sound like a normal night with Mara.”

  “Are you kidding me?” I whipped out my cell phone and hit play on the audio file. Duplicate sounds of snoring and snorting filled the store. “Hear that?”

  “That’s exactly what you sound like at night,” Gus said. “I’ve been wondering how you’re able to sound like two people.”

  “That’s not me! That is you and Nick snoring.”

  “I don’t think so,” Nick said. “I don’t snore.”

  “Neither do I,” said Gus.

  “It is, though. I have it on video.”

  “Obviously fake video. Is it time-stamped?” Gus asked.

  “Stop ragging on the pregnant lady, or I’ll roll over on you and squash you like a bug, next time I hear you snoring.”

  “You lock your bedroom door at night, right?” Nick asked.

  “Of course,” Gus said. “We’re not morons.”

  “She isn’t. You, I have my doubts about. I’m going to have a patrol car drive by every half-hour or so tonight, to keep an eye on things. If you hear anything unusual, don’t check it out yourselves. Call me.”

  After Nick went back to work and Gus left to get dinner, I locked up and sat at the outdoor kitchen table with my stack of books. I had no idea there were so many different demons in the Otherworld. This was going to be a lot more difficult than I thought.

  AFTER A FEAST of yummy Japanese food, we went to bed. I fell asleep reading and had the weirdest dream. Just images, one after the other, in rapid succession.

  Emily, telling me about finding the bones, and then being haunted by the living animal of whatever bones she found.

  Emily, showing up at the store with her box of bones, spilling them out on the counter. Rat, snake, possum, fox.

  The radio DJ’s talking about the rabid fox sightings in North Hollywood.

  The blue light of the portal opening in Emily’s yard.

  Frank’s weird dog, its eyes flashing red for an instant before returning to normal.

  The baby vampire, telling me “you are what you eat, and I want to be pure energy.”

  I FELT the baby kick me hard. I gasped and sat up, books spilling off the bed.

  A green fog came under the door and coalesced into a miniature, naked, green-skinned man, with oversized hands and ears, and a giant penis.

  He turned to me, and his eyes lit up. “Oh, my precious,” he said, as he walked towards me and put his hands on my belly.

  I screamed bloody murder. Before I even realized what I was doing, I picked up the heaviest demonology book in my pile and started beating the crap out of him with it.

  “Oh, owww! Hey! Watch it! That hurts!”

  But I kept hitting him, smashing him flatter.

  “What’s going on?!” Gus yelled, waking up and taking his sleep mask off. “What the heck is that thing?”

  “Homunculus. Help me,” I grunted, as it jumped around and ran away from me to the other side of the room.

  Gus leapt out of bed. Mama Lua had a mini-cauldron in the corner of her bedroom. Gus picked up the lid and went after the homunculus, who was running a zig-zag pattern.

  I blocked the door, and Gus used to the lid to smack the homunculus on the butt and send him flying.

  “Ow! Iron! That’s just mean!” The homunculus stood up, holding its butt and jumping around. “It burns. Why do you want to burn me? How would you like it if I did that to you!”

  I grabbed at the homunculus, and got him around the waist. He stomped on my foot and then kicked me in the shins.

  “Ow!” I said.

  He suddenly decreased in size, and I didn’t have a grip on him anymore. As I tried to grab him again, he ran under the bed.

  “Come out from there,” I said.

  “No deal,” came a tiny voice.

  “Then watch out for the flying UFO,” Gus said, from the other side of the bed, as he sent the cauldron lid spinning like a frisbee.

  “Eep!” yelled the homunculus. He ran out, just ahead of the lid, and I scooped him up and trapped him in my fist.

  The homunculus started banging around inside my hand, wanting out. It was like holding on to a giant Mexican jumping bean.

  “I need…to…put this…” What the heck was I going to put it in? I looked aro
und. “Gus, there’s an open, oversized pocket watch case on the dresser. Bring it over here.”

  The case, while missing the watch part, had brass backings, a clear glass front and a hinged brass cover. That would contain the little bugger.

  “This is beyond rude. Do you always treat guests this way?” The homunculus’s voice was muffled as he kicked at the inside of my fist.

  “You’re not a guest, you’re an intruder,” I said, squeezing.

  “Owww! Knock it off!”

  “You touched me. You put your giant hands on my belly. You’re lucky I haven’t turned you into green goo by now.”

  “Jeezaloo, woman. I was paying you a compliment. I love pregnant women. I love them more if I made them pregnant. But I would love you the best of all if you laid off the stomping and squeezing. It’s not exactly pain-free, you know.”

  Gus brought over the pocket watch case, and I tried to shove the creature into it. He fought me every step of the way.

  “This is beyond rude,” he yelled in a tiny voice. “Tell me you didn’t call me here, just to beat me and trap me in this hell jar.”

  “We didn’t call you here at all,” I said, grunting.

  “Oh, yes you did,” he said. “If you don’t call me, I can’t come.”

  Gus and I looked at each other.

  “I didn’t call him,” said Gus.

  “Let me go and I’ll show you,” the homunculus said.

  Gus looked at me and shrugged. “We could each take an arm.”

  “You are not going to rip my limbs off, sirrah. Don’t even think about it.”

  “That’s not what he meant,” I said.

  I grabbed one arm and as the homunculus was turning into green fog, Gus grabbed his other arm. The homunculus reformed into a being about four feet tall.

  “Now, what are you talking about?” I asked.