toad witch 04 - aunt tilly were canning demons

by Christiana Miller

  “But she can only eat at midnight and at three a.m. I’m not sure why. Those are weird times. Liminal times, I can understand. But that seems kind of random. But at midnight and at three a.m., she has a fifteen minute window to munch down. More milk and honey?” Pip asked, putting the empty mug on the counter and sliding it towards me. He gave a happy hiccup. He was starting to look a little tipsy.

  “Do you get drunk on this stuff?” I asked. “Is that why you like it so much?”

  “Who, me?” Pip asked, a little too innocently, rocking back and forth on his feet.

  I ignored him and turned to Gus. “Sounds like she’ll be going after Frank again.”

  “Is there anything in the grimoire about banishing Empusa?” Gus asked.

  I leafed through and shook my head. “Just the calling sigils. Looks like the banishing is going to be up to us. It would help if we knew who was calling her.”

  Gus nodded. “We have some time before she’ll be active. Let’s go talk to some people. We can start with the church, then hit the pagan stores, and then round up Frank.”

  I turned to Pip. “What happens if she can’t get her intended prey in that three-day window?”

  Pip looked baffled. “I don’t know. It’s never happened. No one’s ever thwarted her for that long.”

  “Guess there’s a first time for everything,” Gus said.

  Aunt Tillie snorted. I ignored her. “What are we going to do with Pip Squeak?”

  “You are not leaving him with me,” Aunt Tillie said. “I will regard that as an act of war. And you know what I’m like when I get upset.”

  Boy, did I. I still had a scar on my leg from where she hurled the garden shears at me.

  “Bring me with you! I can help!” Pip Squeak said, jumping up and down in excitement.

  Gus looked at me and shrugged. “Your call.”

  I sighed. “Go tiny,” I commanded Pip, holding out my bag. He fogged out, streamed into my purse and reformed as a tiny, naked homunculus. “Did you forget something?” I asked.

  He looked down at himself, grinned, waggled his joystick at me, and then snapped his fingers and was fully dressed again.

  “Wait, I have a better idea,” Aunt Tillie said. “Leave the hobbit here, and take me with.”

  “Sorry, Tillie,” Gus said. “Pip’s already in the bag.”

  Pip poked his head out of my bag and stuck his tongue out at Aunt Tillie. The ceramic cup flew off the counter, heading right for Pip, and by extension, me. I jumped to the side but Gus managed to catch the cup before it hit us, and put it back on the counter.

  “Knock that crap off or you can forget your trip to Hollywood Forever,” I said.

  “Whatever,” Aunt Tillie said, rolling her eyes. “Try not to get eaten by that demon. If you leave me trapped here with the hobbit, I will make your afterlives miserable.”

  Gus shrugged. “And how would that be any different from now?”

  Aunt Tillie glared at him. I pulled Gus out of the store before she could hurl anything else at us.

  CHAPTER 13

  The church was first on our list. When we got there, I was surprised to find that it was relatively small, compared to others in the area. It was like the strip mall of churches, instead of this grand cathedral I was expecting. We wandered around and found the priest in his office.

  “You two,” he said, when we walked in. “What do you want?”

  “We’ve been doing God’s work,” Gus said, in a holier-than-thou tone.

  I rolled my eyes. The priest looked like he was about to call the cops.

  “What? We’ve been trying to clean up the mess someone else has made. We’re trying to untarnish an innocent woman’s reputation, and you view us with suspicion? I have to be honest, that hurts me, right here,” Gus said, thumping his chest.

  The priest sat back in his chair, the look on his face clearly indicating he wasn’t buying whatever Gus was selling. He closed his eyes for a second and muttered “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…for He makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.” Then he opened his eyes, his equanimity restored, as he gestured for us to sit down on the wooden chairs in front of his desk.

  “Come on, Father. You’ve got to know Mama Lua isn’t evil incarnate. She’s not skulking around, calling up demons. She’s not even in the state,” I said.

  “I know no such thing. It is well known that Ms. Lua trucks with the dark side, with entities that are not, by any stretch of the imagination, Christian. Her practices include Voodoo, Hoodoo, Santeria, Yoruban Ifa. You’d be wise to distance yourselves from her.”

  “Have you ever been to New Orleans, Father?” Gus asked. “One of the most dangerous persons I’ve run into, who would think nothing of devouring your soul, is an old Christian woman who practices Voudoun in her spare time. And she gets into some nasty stuff.”

  The priest’s face flushed red. “I will not have you blaspheming in the House of the Lord. And I will not let you use tales of false Christians to shore up your fallacious arguments.”

  “Our apologies,” I said, kicking Gus’s foot. “That’s not why we came here.”

  “Then why are you here?” he asked, turning to me with a cold look.

  “All I’m trying to say,” Gus said, “is that following a religion doesn’t necessarily make someone nice. Look at history. The Crusades, for one. That was a whole time period of evil being done, in the name of religion.”

  I turned to Gus, exasperated. “Would you knock it off? There’s a lot of good Christians in the world, who spread love and help those less fortunate. I’ve met them. This world would be a meaner, sadder place without them. You can’t hold the Crusades against them forever.” I turned back to the priest. “Don’t mind him. He has a weird animosity towards every organized religion. Even the alternative ones.”

  Gus nodded. “I’m an equal opportunity hater,” he agreed. “There’s just as many crap-ass witches and pagans in the world. But we’re here to tell you that you’re waving your pitchfork and torches at the wrong one.”

  “I heard what you said about Ms. Lua’s home being vandalized and I’ve turned the photos over to the police. Unfortunately, they arrived in the mail, with no return address, so that’s all I can do.” The priest turned and looked at me. “It doesn’t change what I think of her and her store. If I could close down every witchcraft store in the nation, I would. They encourage the worship of false idols. They lead our lost sheep astray.”

  “Have you ever heard of Empusa?” I asked.

  He looked confused. “The Salvadoran dish? They sell that at the Farmer’s Market on Sundays. Very tasty.”

  I looked at Gus and shook my head. He wasn’t our guy.

  Gus wasn’t ready to give up. “How well do you know your parishioners? Do you have any who have an unusual knowledge of, or fascination with, demons? Someone with a shaky grasp of ethics? Are you sure you’re not blaming Mama Lua for something one of your parishioners is doing?”

  The priest’s face got redder. “How dare you. Don’t you try to project the evil that you and yours do, onto my parishioners. Get thee behind me, Satan.”

  I stood up and yanked Gus to his feet. “I’m so sorry. I apologize on his behalf. That was uncalled for. I’m sorry we wasted your time.”

  “I’ve been praying around the clock for inspiration on how to be rid of this evil,” the priest said. Then he turned and looked at me. “I would be remiss in not warning you, one last time, to get away from that store. Lock it up and go back to wherever you came from, before whatever evil is in there attacks you and your baby.”

  I sighed. “If we can exonerate Mama Lua, if we can prove to you that she’s being framed, that she’s not evil incarnate, would you be willing to hold another press conference, to clear her name? Or at least stop picketing at her store?”

  “That seems like a Christian thing to do,” Gus agreed.

  “Is that what this is abou
t? You want me to absolve an evil-doer, publicly? Why would I do that? To make it easier for her to infiltrate the lives of the innocent, with her poison? Even if she’s not guilty of this specific act, it doesn’t mean she’s not guilty of others.”

  “Thank you, Father,” I said, backing away. “I’m really sorry to have taken up your time.”

  “I will pray for both of you,” he said. “I will pray that you find your way back into the light and into God’s love. Especially you. You owe it to your unborn child to birth it into the light, not into the darkness.”

  As I dragged Gus out of the church, I caught a glimpse of the priest, cleansing his office with incense and holy water.

  “NEXT STOP, DEMON HOLLOW.” I said, as I put the seat belt on.

  “Hey! You’re squishing me,” came a muffled voice.

  I took Pip out of my purse and put him on the center compartment, between us. He expanded and sat, peering over the dashboard at the outside world.

  “You said you’d help us out. What can you tell us about the priest?” I asked, as Gus drove onto the freeway.

  “It’s not him. He doesn’t have that tinge of sulphur and dragon blood that you get if you’re calling demons. Besides, none of the portals over there opened to the dark side. Those portals all rose upward. Conduits for spirits rising to re-join the host of Divine Bliss.”

  Gus glanced at me and I raised an eyebrow. “You can sense portals?” I asked.

  “Well, duh. How stupid do you think I am? Or are you telling me you’re that stupid? It’s a portal. How do you not see them? Do you need a map to find the door out of whatever room you’re in?”

  “Can you sense other magickal beings?” Gus asked.

  “Can you sense other human beings?” Pip shot back.

  “Can you tell us if Empusa is still on our side of the door?” I asked.

  Pip laughed. “Of course she is, idiot. I don’t even need to look. You said you shut the door, so she can’t go back. You keep up this level of non-intelligence and I’ll have to rethink my desire to have you hop on my joystick.” He waggled his hips and his clothes vanished.

  I shuddered. “Magic up some clothes, right now, and keep them on. It’s a little disconcerting looking at your joystick, when it’s almost as big as you are.”

  He grinned and waggled the thing at me again. “Makes you want me, doesn’t it? I’m too sexy for my pants, so sexy it hurts.”

  “Makes me want to become a lesbian. And I think it’s shirt, not pants.”

  “Shirt doesn’t make sense,” he said.

  “Seriously. Conjure up some clothes, or we’ll stop at a thrift store and I’ll sew you into a pair of overalls.”

  “Oh, man.” Pip said, crestfallen. “Why do you want to deprive the world of my splendor? I was hoping I could strut my stuff on this trip.”

  “If it was up to me, little man, I’d say let your freak flag fly. But we’ve got to respect the pregnant lady.” Gus said.

  “Fine.” Pip snapped his fingers and he was suddenly sitting in the back seat, about four feet tall and fully clothed in an outfit that looked like it had come out of Lord of the Rings. He even had a large floppy hat covering his pointy ears.

  WE GOT off the freeway and found a parking spot in front of Demon Hollow. It was a tiny storefront, bordering Chinatown, that specialized in darker stuff. It mainly catered to Satanists, Luciferians, Thelemites, Ceremonial Magicians and high school goth kids.

  “Oh, this looks good,” Pip said.

  “Get in the purse,” I said.

  “What? NO!” he hollered. “It’s dark in there. And it smells. What kind of rotting food do you stash in there? I’m not going back in.”

  “I told you, you shouldn’t have let him out,” Gus said. “You should have kept him in the purse and we could have debriefed him later.”

  “Pip, we can’t have you walk in with us. Even dressed, you’re very obviously not of this world. People will stare.”

  He opened and closed his mouth a few times, then went with: “Why is that my problem, that some people will get bent out of joint just because I have big hands and big feet? That’s discrimination.”

  “And you’re green,” I pointed out. “You look like a walking avocado. Even if we hide everything else, we can’t hide that. Talk about calling attention to yourself.”

  He harrumphed. “Look at this place. They’re not going to care. If anything, they’ll worship at my altar. Even on my side of the Veil, I’ve heard about some of those rituals they do. I could really get a party started in there. My own, personal Bacchanal.”

  “Let’s leave him in the car,” Gus said.

  “No!” Pip hollered. “I’m not missing out on fun. I don’t get to come here that often, I should be allowed to have fun!”

  “Your choice. Get in the purse or stay in the car,” I said.

  “Fine,” he grumbled and snapped his fingers. In an instant, he was looking up at me from the inside of my purse, giving me a sulky thumbs up.

  THE WINDOW DISPLAYS in Demon Hollow had black velvet backdrops, covered with upside down pentacles, a statue of Baphomet, a silver grail, various athames (ritual daggers), Templar and Thoth tarot decks.

  I was surprised by how small the inside of the store was. There was the typical stuff that all pagan shops sell: jewelry, candles, spellcrafting supplies, tarot decks, statuary, gifts, books, oils and incense, just much less of everything. Although, what caught my eye were the obviously self-produced booklets on how to use various forms of magic to gain power over people, and some of the names on the incense and oil blends. Names that indicated outcome, rather than ingredients. Money-Will-Flow oil, Sweet Revenge incense, that kind of thing.

  “Hi, is the owner here?” Gus asked the girl at the counter.

  “I’m the owner,” she said, turning around and smiling. “Well, the new full owner. Lily Montrose.”

  I was kind of taken aback. I had expected, if nothing else, someone with tattoos and attitude and wildly-dyed hair. Not a cheerful, blue-eyed girl with curly brown hair, who looked like she was in high school.

  “What happened to Ophelia?” Gus asked.

  “She had some problems she needed to deal with. So she sold her half to me. Can I help you with something?”

  “Wait, so you’re Ophelia’s girlfriend?” Gus asked. “She told me about you.”

  “Yup, that’s me. Freakier than I look. What do you need?”

  “What do you know about Empusa?” I asked.

  She lit up. “Empusa’s my girl. She is so maligned and misunderstood. She’s one of Hekate’s daughters. Most people don’t realize she’s a fire spirit. She feasts on blood and flesh, so if you’re going to call her, you’ll need to use blood. They say she’s part human, part donkey and part bronze. That bronze leg pegs her as part of the faery realm and is associated with fire, the donkey leg also associates her with Mephisto, the Lord of Hatred, and the human part makes her one of the ultimate tricksters. Oddly enough though, when she shows up, it’s usually in the shape of a dog.”

  Whoa. I was so glad we came here. “If she was in Tartarus and got called here, is it possible she’d start with smaller creatures and work up to dog?”

  Lily thought about it for a minute. “Yeah, that sounds right. She’d be weak at first. After Zeus killed her, she became a type of demonic vampire spirit without shape. When she wants to interact with the world of the flesh, she has to consume something to take on its shape.”

  “So, it’s entirely possible, if she’s weak, she’d work her way up the food chain until she gets to the shape she wants?” I asked.

  “Definitely. She’d be looking to become human as quickly as possible.”

  I looked over at Gus. So much for whale shark.

  “How do you get rid of her?” Gus asked.

  “That’s a good question,” Lily laughed. “Believe it or not, all the way back to the philosopher Philostratus, the only recorded way to get rid of Empusa is by screaming insults at her.”


  “That’s…weird.” Gus said. “Is it possible that screaming insults is a euphemism? Or are you just supposed to stand there, calling her names until she cries and goes home?”

  Lily shrugged. “I’ve never called her up, so I haven’t had to banish her. Why, are you having an Empusa problem?”

  “Just curious,” I said. “I’m writing a paranormal novel, and I thought I’d do some in-person research instead of relying on my imagination or on the internet. Thanks so much for your help.”

  “Any time,” she said and smiled. “It must be hard, running Mama Lua’s place while she’s gone.”

  My face dropped. “How did you…?”

  She laughed. “It’s a small world. And I saw the press conference. Good luck getting rid of your demon problem. Empusa, huh? Calling her up takes a lot of balls. She is fierce.”

  WHEN WE WERE BACK in the car, Gus laughed at the look on my face. “You, of all people, should know how useless it is to lie to someone with sight. Isn’t that what you’re always telling me?”

  “I know! I’m always the honest one. I just didn’t want to air Mama Lua’s dirty laundry. You’re the rotten, no good, lying bastard…”

  “Whom everyone loves,” he corrected.

  I rolled my eyes. “Whom everyone loves. I’m the too-honest-for-my-own-good person and I’m the one who gets caught in a lie. I feel so stupid. That was embarrassing.”

  Gus laughed even harder as he pulled the car onto the freeway. And to make matters worse, Pip Squeak climbed out of my purse and joined in the laughter, pointing at me.

  “Now I’m going to have to write a novel, just to make it not a lie.” Pip laughed so hard, he fell over. “Knock it off, lima bean, or I’m putting you back in the pocket watch case,” I said. “So, what did you get from Demon Hollow?”

  Pip stopped laughing and straddled the purse like a horse, his little legs swinging back and forth. He was much cuter clothed and in miniature than he was when he was larger and naked.