by Karen Baker
As the night went on, Beth found herself relaxing more with Allen. “Not as easily as with Dakota,” she thought. Her mind kept comparing Allen to Dakota. “Why am I thinking about her? This is a date, get your mind back on Allen.”
“Beth, you okay? You seem a little distracted.”
Beth shook her head and smiled, “Sorry, Allen. Just thinking about something important I need to do at work tomorrow.” She thought to herself, “One little white lie won’t hurt.”
“No problem, I do the same thing; it used to drive Cindy crazy.” Allen was trying to make her feel comfortable. “Well, I don’t think I can eat another bite,” he said, sliding his plate way.
“Me too, I’m stuffed,” Beth said.
After Allen paid the tab and walked Beth to her car, he took her hand and said, “I would like to see you again.”
“I think that can be arranged. How about I give you a call in a couple of days and we set something up?”
“Sounds like a plan. Thank you for a nice evening. I look forward to your call.” He leaned in and kissed Beth’s cheek.
Nothing, not even like Dakota. “Good night, Allen.” She hopped into her car and took off. “Why does she keep coming to mind? It’s not like I find her attractive, well I do. And whom am I talking to? You’re losing it, Beth, as Dakota would say.”
CHAPTER NINE
Dakota reached for the phone, “Must have courage. I can do this.” She quickly dialed Beth’s number.
Beth picked up on the first ring. “I was hoping you would call.”
“Well, hello to you! Listen, I was thinking, and being pushed by Janie, my therapist, to get out of the house, so how about dinner and a movie? I think I can handle that.”
“Sounds like fun! When?” Beth listened as her friend laid out the plan.
“How about I pick you up Friday night, take you to dinner, then if we feel up to it, a movie? Say around 6:30?”
“It’s a date!”
“Great! See you then. Bye, Beth.”
“Bye, Dakota.”
“I did it!” Dakota thought to herself. A date? Wait a minute. Is that what Beth had said? She reminded herself to breathe, this was just a night out with a friend, not a date. Janie would be proud of her.
‘We’re pissed! How can you stand to be with anyone but us? You know she’s only pretending to be your friend. Run while you still can, we’ll be there for you. Wait till you do something stupid, then she will leave you. You pathetic piece of shit! No one could ever want you. We are all you need. We’ll never leave!’
“I know, I know, you’re all I need,” Dakota said out loud. She walked to her bedroom, plopped down on the bed, and just let the voices take over.
* * * * *
Her usual Thursday appointment with Janie came around. She thought she would attack the problem head-on this time. “I’m having difficulty concentrating, my sleep is disturbed by nightmares, and I go from zero to sixty in seconds on the anger scale. I’m overwhelmed. I’m overreacting at the smallest things; my chest is tight, feels like I’m having a heart attack. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed that I feel ashamed and guilty. My thoughts are negative and overly dark. Want me to go on?”
“I think I get the gist of it. These are normal symptoms of PTSD. I know, you are ready to be done with them, but the process takes time. Give yourself that time to heal. Feel the feelings. It’s okay to be scared and worried that nothing is going to change, but things will change. One day, you will start to feel normal again.”
Dakota thought back to her version of normal. The Marine Corps was all she knew. That was her normal, and that would never happen again because of her medical discharge. “What does normal look like outside the Corps?” she asked. “I had a few okay years after the Corps, but nothing I would call normal. I finished school, then worked a few years before the PTSD got really bad, but there has been no normal in my life, ever.”
“Then we will define a normal life, for you, when the time comes. Until then, relax, and learn what you can about yourself and who you want to be as a person outside the service. No one ever really knows until they are faced with options. Now is your chance. Learn what you like, explore things, get to know what things you enjoy doing.”
Dakota shook her head. Her mind was spinning out of control with thoughts of things she was being told to do, both from Janie and the voices. No way in hell was she going to be able to explore new things; she was too frightened to even leave her apartment most days. Some days it was hard enough to get out of bed and put clothes on. No, she would go back to her apartment, simmer, and try not to think about killing herself today.
* * * * *
As Friday night drew near, Dakota determined that she should call Beth and cancel. Beth would understand. No, she had to do this. Janie had said earlier that day that it was for the best. Getting out, that was.
Struggling with her dilemma, she rummaged through her closet, trying to decide what to wear. Finally, she settled on a pair of black slacks and her favorite purple paisley shirt. If this was a date, she was going to look the part.
“Don’t judge it, just go with it,” Janie’s advice flowed through her mind.
“I can do this,” Dakota thought to herself. But the voices spoke differently. ‘You stupid piece of shit, do you really think you can do this? Go cancel. No way you’re even making it out of the house.’ Dakota fought back. “I must do this, if only for Beth. I am not going to cancel.”
She arrived at Beth’s exactly at 6:30 and rang the doorbell. Beth must have been waiting right there because she opened the door right away. She stood there in the doorway, dressed in a light blue dress. Dakota’s jaw dropped. “Wow, Beth! You look amazing!”
Beth reached out her hand and Dakota took it. Beth pulled her in, kissed her on the cheek, and gave her a big hug. Dakota’s heart was pounding.
“You clean up rather nicely yourself. Let me look at you. You look wonderful! Paisley agrees with you.”
Dakota blushed. She wasn’t used to hearing kind words when it came to her looks. “Thank you. We have, um, reservations for seven. Are you ready?” She was suddenly extremely nervous.
“Let me grab my purse. Let’s do this!”
The ride to the restaurant was quiet. Dakota still couldn’t believe how amazing Beth looked in a dress. Dakota’s mind was churning. The voices were particularly loud. ‘Just kill yourself now and get it over with! Just take all of your medications at once. It’s easy. Besides, you’ll never make it though the evening! Take her home; she doesn’t want to be here with the likes of you! You no good son of a bitch!’ She should tell Beth about the voices, but she didn’t want to scare her or admit that she was scared. It had been a while since the voices were this loud.
The restaurant was extremely noisy. Patrons were chattering over the classical music in the background, and sounds of dishes clattered in the kitchen. They were seated at a table against the wall in the very back. That made it a little easier, having her back against the wall, but not by much.
They perused the menu. Beth was saying something, but Dakota didn’t hear a word she said. Between the voices in her head, the noises in the restaurant, and trying to listen to Beth, Dakota was becoming overwhelmed. Within minutes, her breathing became shallow and the color drained from her face.
Reaching for Dakota’s hand, Beth worriedly asked, “Dakota, what’s wrong?”
“I think…I think I’m…having a…panic attack…can we…get out of here…before I throw up…on the table!”
“Let’s go. Let’s go to the restroom. Breathe, sweetheart, breathe.”
“Oh, God, I’m going to die.”
“No, you’re not. I’m right here. I’m not going to let you die. I’ve got you.” Beth was guiding her to the restroom.
Dakota barely made it into the stall before throwing up. Beth grabbed some paper towels, ran water over them, and then pressed them against Dakota’s forehead. “Just let it out. It’ll make you feel better. I’m ri
ght here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Dakota sank to her knees on the floor. She retched until there was nothing left. Then the dry heaves hit. Beth never left her side. Beth kept reminding her to breathe and to relax, that everything was going to be okay. How was everything going to be okay? Her stomach was in knots. She didn’t have anything left in her stomach to be sick on. And, God, the voices were screaming in her head! ‘See! We told you that you couldn’t do this. Without us, you’re nothing. You need us. You should have died that day; you have nothing to live for. You didn’t even try to save your best friend. You miserable little piece of shit! You’re nothing, nothing without us. She doesn’t want to be here taking care of you. You’ve ruined her evening. You can’t live without us! Just kill yourself and get it over with. Everyone is watching you. Even the police are after you.’
Between the dry heaves Dakota managed to speak, “You’re very…good at this.”
“Two children, remember? I’ve had lots of practice. Besides, I wasn’t going to leave you by yourself. Are you starting to feel any better?”
“Yeah. Just tired now.”
“Let’s get you out of here and get you home. How about you let me drive?”
Beth helped her off the floor as she tried to stand up. She was dizzy and wobbly on her feet. “I don’t think I have a choice.”
Beth wrapped her arms around Dakota’s waist as they walked out of the restaurant. “Lean on me.” Being so close to Dakota, touching her, Beth could hardly think straight. This is exactly where she wanted to be, holding Dakota close. People were staring at them, but she couldn’t have cared less. Her friend needed her and she was going to be there no matter what people thought.
The ride home was excruciating for Dakota. The voices were non-stop, so she was happy that Beth remained quiet. She had enough going on in her head. They reached Dakota’s apartment. Beth fumbled with the keys while still holding onto Dakota. She wasn’t letting go. “Which way to the bedroom?” Beth questioned.
“Down the hall…to the right,” was about all Dakota could muster.
“Can you change your clothes, or do you need help?”
Dakota stumbled over her words, “I think…I think I can do it…alone.” She went into the small bathroom and looked into the mirror. “Charming, really charming,” she said out loud. Her short hair was slicked back, her eyes were bloodshot. “You’re a real mess. Who knows what she thinks about you now.” The voices were non-stop. ‘She hates you! She can’t stand that you ruined the evening. You don’t deserve her as a friend. She’s too good for you. Hide. Don’t think about leaving this bathroom. She can see right through you. Run! It’s the police! They’re coming for you. She’s only pretending to be your friend. No one could love you the way we do.’ Dakota pushed the voices to the back of her mind. Slowly, she changed into a long-sleeved t-shirt and sweats, and brushed her teeth. When she walked out of the bathroom, Beth was sitting on the corner of the bed. “Not exactly the way you wanted her in your bedroom,” she thought to herself.
“How are you feeling, sweetheart?”
Dakota noticed that was the second time Beth had called her sweetheart tonight. “Fine, really tired. Just need to sleep. Beth?”
“Yeah, sweetheart?”
“There is nowhere to run…when the voices start… but you give me courage…I didn’t know I had.”
Beth smiled. Her heartstrings sang out. She got up and pulled the covers back on the bed. Dakota climbed in and let Beth tuck her in. “Please call me tomorrow and let me know how you are doing.” Beth bent down and kissed Dakota on top of her head. “I’ll lock the door behind me. Good night, Dakota.”
“Bye, Beth.” It felt as though she was saying goodbye to Beth forever. She rolled over and thought to herself that she couldn’t afford to lose another friend because of the voices and her mental illness. ‘Who cares? You’re no good anyway. You’re a miserable excuse for a human being. Kill yourself; no one is even going to miss you.’ Dakota listened to the voices for a while. They kept her awake for hours, harassing her. When she couldn’t take anymore, she climbed out of bed and headed to the living room of her small apartment. She stretched out on the couch and turned on the television, hoping the mindless chatter would drown out the voices. Eventually, she fell asleep thinking of Beth.
* * * * *
Journal Entry #774
What a fucking miserable night! I can’t believe I actually got sick, and in front of Beth. I just want to die. I’m so embarrassed. I do not want a repeat of last night ever again. No going out again, if I can prevent it. I know that’s not fair to Beth, but damn, I can’t go through that again. And Beth took it all in stride. Nothing bothered her. I wish I could be that calm.
I don’t want to see Beth again. How in the world am I supposed to face her? And she has yet to see me at my worst. No way. Not going to face her. Running away like I usually do. Some things are not worth fighting for.
Roger, out.
* * * * *
The phone was ringing, again, but Dakota was too scared to answer it. She knew it was Beth calling again, but she wasn’t ready to talk to her or see her. She was still upset with herself about the panic attack she’d had at the restaurant.
It was Beth’s third call to Dakota in as many days. Beth listened to the sensual message on Dakota’s answering machine. “Hey, it’s Dakota. Sorry I missed your call. Leave a message after the beep.” Beth didn’t understand why she wouldn’t talk to her. “Dakota, it’s Beth again. I don’t know why you won’t answer my calls. I’m worried about you. I miss you. Please, call me.”
The next day the phone rang again. “Dakota, sweetheart, you’re starting to worry me. Why won’t you answer my calls? I know you’re just sitting there. Please pick up. Well, I’ll try again later. Please call me.”
Later that night, it was the phone again. “All right, dammit! Where the hell are you? You’re beginning to really piss me off! Friends don’t treat friends the way you’ve been treating me. Answer the phone! Anyway, I miss you, Dakota. Bye.”
The following day came another message. “It’s been five days since we went out. I think you are ignoring me. We really need to talk about what happened at the restaurant. There is nothing to be ashamed of. We survived it and everything is okay. I don’t think any less of you. Actually, I think more of you for being aware of what was happening and getting us out of there when you did. I hope you’re not angry with me. Please call me. I miss you.”
Dakota sat there and listened to Beth. How could she be angry with Beth? She hadn’t done anything wrong. It was all Dakota. She was angry with herself; she should have never gone out in public. What was she thinking? She knew the voices were too loud that night.
The phone rang again a few minutes later. “Enough, dammit! That does it! You’re acting like a child. I’ll be over there in twenty minutes. We need to talk. I don’t care what you think!” Beth’s tone of voice softened, “I need to see you with my own eyes to make sure you’re okay. Please be there and be safe, if not for you, then for me? See you soon. Bye.”
Beth was coming over. Dakota didn’t know what to do. She was slipping back into her old ways. She had been curled up on the couch, not moving, not eating, and rarely drinking anything. She was letting the voices run amok. She didn’t want to see Beth, but now she had no choice.
A short time later there was a knock on the door. Dakota just sat there. “Dakota, I know you’re in there. The Jeep hasn’t been moved. Please, open the door.” Beth waited. “Please, sweetheart, open the door.”
That did it, just the sound of Beth calling her sweetheart. Dakota slowly got up from the couch, walked over, and unlocked the door. There stood Beth. Their eyes met, holding the look for what felt like an eternity.
“Beth.” There was pain in her voice, nothing like Beth had ever heard before.
Beth reached for Dakota and took her in her arms, hugging her then leading her back to the couch. She knew right away that Dakota was not okay. �
��You need help. Tell me what to do.” There was a matter of fact tone in Beth’s voice. She was right. Dakota had been sitting around for five days listening to the voices. She hadn’t even seen or called Janie. Like Beth, Janie had left messages for Dakota.
“Janie. Her number…by the phone.” Beth dialed the phone number and handed the phone to Dakota.
“Janie, Dakota. I need help. No, Beth is here with me. She can drive me. See you there.” She clicked the phone off. “She’ll meet us at the hospital. Can you drop me off? I don’t want you to go in there. And don’t visit me. Ever. Understand? It’s really bad. Promise?”
“Of course. Anything you want.” Beth’s inquiring mind knew better than to ask Dakota what she meant by ‘really bad’. For now, it would have to wait.
“Let me get dressed, then we can go. Thank you, by the way. I guess I really did need a friend.” Beth hugged her neck. Beth was warm and soft. Dakota didn’t want to let her go, but she was afraid if she didn’t, she might do something she would later regret. She pulled away and headed to her bedroom. She closed the door, trying to will the voices away. ‘Warm and soft? What are you thinking? Apparently nothing. She has nothing to offer you, and you her. Don’t go, stay here with us. We are your friends.’ She knew this wasn’t true. She pushed her way through the voices and got dressed. Beth was waiting for her.
As Dakota walked away to the bedroom to change clothes, tears sprang up in Beth’s eyes, “Yes, friends,” she thought to herself. This realization made her understand that there were no feelings beyond friendship on Dakota’s end. She just wanted to be friends, and right now Dakota really needed a friend. But Beth couldn’t deny her feelings toward Dakota any longer. Her feelings were getting stronger. She’d never had feelings like this for another woman. She wanted more than to just be her friend. Yet she felt Dakota wasn’t open to that possibility. She would take her any way Dakota would have her, and if that meant just being friends, well, she would do it for Dakota.
