Uncle John’s Legendary Lost Bathroom Reader

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by Bathroom Readers' Institute


  BURYING THE TRUTH

  The Films

  • According to a February 25, 1965, article in The New York Times: “the police were in possession of motion pictures that had been taken at the Audubon Ballroom...where the killing took place.” These films would have been invaluable evidence—but there was no further mention of them by press or police. (The Realist)

  The Mysterious Death of Leon Ameer

  • Leon Ameer was the New England representative of Malcolm X’s group, the Organization of Afro-American Unity—and many believed him to be Malcolm X’s hand-picked successor. On March 13, 1965, he announced, “I have facts in my possession as to who really killed Malcolm X. The killers aren’t from Chicago [Muslim headquarters]. They’re from Washington.” (The Realist)

  • Ameer promised to hold a press conference to reveal evidence proving the “power structure’s” involvement in the killing, including documents and a tape recording Malcolm X had given him.

  #1 jukebox song of all time, according to industry sources: “Crazy,” by Patsy Cline.

  • The next morning, Ameer’s body was discovered by a maid in Boston’s Sherry Biltmore Hotel. The police announced that he had died of an epileptic fit, but Ameer’s wife contended that her husband had had a complete medical checkup just one month before—“and there was no hint of epilepsy.” (ibid.)

  RECOMMENDED READING

  • “The Murder of Malcolm X” by Eric Norden (The Realist, February 1967)

  • “Who Killed Malcolm X?” by Alan Berger (Seven Days, March 24 and April 7, 1978)

  TALES OF THE CIA

  • As the Cold War ended, the CIA decided it needed to project “a greater openness and sense of public responsibility.” So it commissioned a task force. On December 20, 1991, the committee submitted a 15-page “Task Force Report on Greater Openness.” It is stamped SECRET, and agency officials refuse to disclose any of the contents.

  • In its war against Fidel Castro during the 1960s, the CIA literally tried to play hardball politics. “The CIA tried to cut off the supply of baseballs to Cuba. Agents persuaded suppliers in other countries not to ship them. (U.S. baseballs were already banned by the trade embargo the U.S. had declared.)” The bizarre embargo was effective. Some balls got through, “but the supply was so limited that the government had to ask fans to throw foul balls and home runs back onto the field for continued play.”

  —Jonathan Kwitny, Endless Enemies

  • Quiz: What motto is inscribed on the wall of the CIA headquarters in Langley, Virginia?

  A) “Keep the Faith” B) “And Ye Shall Know Truth and the Truth Shall Make You Free” C)“A Secret Kept Is a Secret Saved”

  Answer: B

  Four percent of California automobiles have personalized license plates.

  THE TV SPEECH THAT

  MADE A PRESIDENT

  Richard Nixon’s “Checkers Speech” was a trademark mixture of self-pity, pathos, paranoia, sentimentality, and attack. It was the most important speech of his life, because it saved his career and made him a national figure. But it was also one of the most important speeches ever made on TV because it established the power of the medium to influence the political process.

  BACKGROUND

  In the summer of 1952, the Republican party nominated General Dwight D. Eisenhower for president and Senator Richard M. Nixon of California for vice president.

  Nixon, who’d only been in politics for six years, was clearly the rising star of the Republican party. But in the middle of September, his political career suddenly became endangered. Investigative reporters revealed that for two years, a group of wealthy Californians had contributed $18,000 to a secret Nixon slush fund. Nixon insisted he’d done nothing wrong—the money was simply “to help defray political expenses.” But polls showed that most Americans thought he was a crook, and should give up the VP nomination.

  Right or Wrong?

  Eisenhower wasn’t sure. He declared in a formal statement he believed “Dick Nixon to be an honest man.” But behind the scenes, his advisors were hotly debating the issue. Was it worse strategy to dump Nixon...or to keep him on and let him drag the whole ticket down?

  Eventually, even Republicans began to clamor for Nixon’s resignation. At that point, Ike made it clear that unless Nixon could prove he was “clean as a hound’s tooth,” the veep-to-be would be off the ticket.

  After a private meeting with Eisenhower, Nixon announced he would make a nationwide radio and TV address. People wondered whether he would defend himself or resign from the campaign. Nixon wouldn’t even tell his own aides what he planned.

  Holy Mackerel: A tuna can swim 100 miles a day.

  THE CHECKERS SPEECH

  Immediately following the “Milton Berle Show” on September 23, 1952, Senator Richard Nixon took to the airwaves to defend himself. The program began with a shot of Nixon’s calling card. Then the camera focused on the senator, who was sitting behind a desk. Here are some excerpts of what Nixon said:

  “My Fellow Americans: I come before you tonight as a candidate for the vice presidency and as a man whose honesty and integrity have been questioned....I am sure that you have read the charge and you’ve heard that I, Senator Nixon, took $18,000 from a group of my supporters. Now, was that wrong? Because it isn’t a question of whether it was legal or illegal, that isn’t enough. The question is, was it morally wrong?...

  “Let me say this: Not one cent of the $18,000 ever went to me for my personal use. Every penny of it was used to pay for political expenses that I did not think should be charged to the taxpayers of the United States.”

  Paying Political Expenses

  “The question arises, you say, ‘Well, how do you pay for these and how can you do it legally?’ There are several ways that it can be done. The first way is to be a rich man. I don’t happen to be a rich man so I couldn’t use that. Another way that is used is to put your wife on the payroll. Let me say, incidentally, my opponent, my opposite number for the vice presidency on the Democratic ticket, does have his wife on the payroll. And has had her on his payroll for the past ten years....

  “Now just let me say this. That’s his business and I’m not critical of him for doing that. You will have to pass judgment on that particular point. But I have never done that for this reason. I have found that there are so many deserving stenographers and secretaries in Washington that needed the work that I just didn’t feel it was right to put my wife on the payroll.

  “My wife’s sitting over here. She’s a wonderful stenographer. She used to teach stenography and she used to teach shorthand in high school. That was when I met her. And I’m proud to say tonight that in the six years I’ve been in the House and the Senate of the U. S., Pat Nixon has never been on the government payroll.”

  Suzuki is the most common last name in Japan.

  Here’s What I’ll Do

  “Now what I am going to do—and incidentally this is unprecedented in the history of American politics—I am going at this time to give to this television and radio audience a complete financial history; everything I’ve earned; everything I’ve spent; everything I owe. I want you to know the facts. I’ll have to start early.

  “I was born in 1913. Our family was one of modest circumstances and most of my early life was spent in a store out in East Whittier. It was a grocery store—one of those family enterprises....I worked my way through college and to a great extent through law school. And then, in 1940, probably the best thing that ever happened to me happened, I married Pat—sitting over here. We had a rather difficult time after we were married, like so many of the young couples who may be listening to us. I practiced law; she continued to teach school. I went into the service.”

  The Respectable Cloth Coat

  “Now what have I earned since I went into politics? Well, here it is—I jotted it down, let me read the notes. First of all I’ve had my salary as a Congressman and as a Senator....I have made an average of approximately $1,500 a year from nonpoliti
cal speaking engagements and lectures. And then, fortunately, we’ve inherited a little money....

  “What did we do with this money? What do we have today to show for it? This will surprise you, because it is so little, I suppose, as standards generally go, of people in public life. First of all, we’ve got a house in Washington, which cost $41,000 and on which we owe $20,000.

  “We have a house in Whittier, California, which cost $13,000 and on which we owe $10,000....I have just $4,000 in life insurance, plus my G. I. policy which I’ve never been able to convert...I have no life insurance whatever on Pat. I have no life insurance on our two youngsters, Patricia and Julie. I own a 1950 Oldsmobile car. We have our furniture. We have no stocks and bonds of any type. We have no interest of any kind, direct or indirect, in any business.”

  “It isn’t very much but Pat and I have the satisfaction that every dime that we’ve got is honestly ours. Pat doesn’t have a mink coat. But she does have a respectable Republican cloth coat. And I always tell her that she’d look good in anything.”

  Good guess: The Earth weighs 6 septillion tons.

  I’m Keeping Checkers

  “One other thing I probably should tell you because if I don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me, too, we did get something—a gift—after the election. A man down in Texas heard Pat on the radio mention the fact that our two youngsters would like to have a dog. And, believe it or not, the day before we left on this campaign trip we got a message from Union Station in Baltimore saying they had a package for us. We went down to get it. You know what it was?

  “It was a little cocker spaniel dog in a crate that he sent all the way from Texas. Black and white spotted. And our little girl—Trisha, the six-year-old—named it Checkers. And you know, the kids love the dog and I just want say this right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re gonna keep it.”

  Just a Common Fellow

  “It’s fine that a man like Governor Stevenson who inherited a fortune from his father can run for president. But I also feel that it’s essential in this country of ours that a man of modest means can also run for president. Because, you know, remember Abraham Lincoln, you remember what he said: “God must have loved the common people—he made so many of them.”

  I’m a Fighter, Not a Quitter

  “Now, let me say this: I know that this is not the last of the smears. In spite of my explanation tonight other smears will be made; others have been made in the past. And the purpose of the smears, I know, is this—to silence me, to make me let up.

  “Well, they just don’t know who they’re dealing with....And as far as this is concerned, I intend to continue the fight....because, you see, I love my country. And I think my country is in danger.”

  Help Me Decide

  “And, now, finally, I know that you wonder whether or not I am going to stay on the Republican ticket or resign. Let me say this: I don’t believe that I ought to quit because I’m not a quitter. And, incidentally, Pat’s not a quitter. After all, her name was Patricia Ryan and she was born on St. Patrick’s Day, and you know the Irish never quit.

  Financial whiz: Rock star Mick Jagger went to the London School of Economics for 2 years

  “But the decision, my friends, is not mine....I am submitting to the Republican National Committee tonight through this television broadcast, the decision which it is theirs to make.

  “Let them decide whether my position on the ticket will help or hurt. And I am going to ask you to help them decide. Wire and write the Republican National Committee whether you think I should stay on or whether I should get off. And whatever their decision is, I will abide by it.

  “But just let me say this last word. Regardless of what happens I’m going to continue this fight. I’m going to campaign up and down America until we drive the crooks and the Communists and those that defend them out of Washington. And remember, folks, Eisenhower is a great man. Believe me. He’s a great man. And a vote for Eisenhower is a vote for what’s good for America.”

  THE REACTION

  When the speech was over, Nixon was depressed—he was sure his political career was over. “I loused it up and I’m sorry,” he told his aides. “It was a flop.”

  But when he arrived at his hotel, the phones were going crazy with pro-Nixon calls. Telegrams supporting him poured into Republican headquarters all over the country. Ike wired Nixon: “Your presentation was magnificent.” Even movie mogul Darryl F. Zannuck (who knew good acting when he saw it) called to tell Nixon, “It was the most tremendous performance I’ve ever seen.” Hundreds of thousands of cards and telegrams were received; Nixon flew to Wheeling, West Virginia, to meet Ike and officially rejoin the ticket. Eisenhower rushed to Nixon’s plane, and the VP candidate burst into tears, “the most poignant photo of the campaign.”

  The success of the speech, says one historian, “sent the Republican campaign soaring, establishing Nixon as a national figure and the best-known, largest-crowd-drawing vice presidential candidate in history.” Nixon’s career was saved, making his election to the presidency—and Watergate—possible two decades later.

  The average American spends less than two hours a day with his or her family.

  SPACED OUT

  Some people who claim to have seen UFOs seem completely off their rockers. Others seem more credible. Here are five real-life “sightings.” Did they really see UFOs...or are they just making it up? You decide.

  The Place: Gulf Breeze, Florida, November 1987

  The Sighting: “Four-foot-tall gray aliens who sometimes speak Spanish.”

  Background: Ed Walters (a Gulf Breeze developer) and his wife, Frances (president of the local PTA), claim to have had repeated encounters with the Spanish-speaking space aliens over several months in 1987. In March 1990, the couple wrote a book, The Gulf Breeze Sightings, that chronicles their experiences.

  The Place: Greece, 1979

  The Sighting: Space aliens that “looked like fetuses wearing wrap-around sunglasses.”

  Background: Joseph Ostrom, an advertising executive, was honeymooning with his wife in Greece. One evening, he says, their hotel room “filled with an orangish-red light,” and a large alien (wearing a silver suit) led him to the roof of the hotel. His wife stayed behind. Suddenly, a turquoise ray-beam pulled him into the space ship that was hovering overhead. The aliens on the ship examined him, but he didn’t mind. “When they did their exam, I felt love and support. It was as if we knew each other.” The aliens hypnotized Ostrom to forget the experience, and he did. But several years later he visited an Earthling hypnotist, and the memories came flooding back, changing his life forever.

  After a second hypnosis, Ostrom quit his job and moved to Colorado. Today he makes his living conducting New Age workshops and writing. He is the author of the book You and Your Aura.

  The Place: Mundrabilla, Australia, 1988

  The Sighting: A “huge bright glowing object.”

  Background: Fay Knowles and her three sons were driving along Eyre Highway when their car was sucked into the air. One of the sons told reporters, “we were doing about 68 miles per hour when it came over us and suddenly lifted the car off the road. We felt the thump on the roof and then it started lifting us. We were frightened and began to yell, but our voices had changed.” Then the car was violently dropped back to earth. The shock of the landing blew out one of the rear tires; police officers who later inspected the car said the roof had been damaged and that the car was covered inside and out with “a thick layer of black ash.”

  According to French tradition, Santa Claus has a brother named Bells Nichols.

  Several other UFO sightings were reported the same night—some more than 100 miles away. An airplane flying overhead saw a bright light hovering nearby; a truck driver on the same highway also reported being followed; and a fishing trawler spotted a UFO from offshore. Police officials told reporters they were taking the multiple sightings “seriously.”

  The Place: Somewhere near the
Martian moon Phobos, 1989

  The Sighting: A “mysterious...long, faintly aerodynamic shaped pencil-like object with round ends.”

  Background: On March 25, 1989, the unmanned Soviet space probe Phobos transmitted a photograph to Earth of a strange object that appeared to have darted into the range of the probe’s camera. According to news reports, immediately after transmitting the photograph, the Soviet probe stopped transmitting signals back to Earth and “inexplicably disappeared.” It has been missing ever since. Marina Popovich, a top Soviet test pilot, displayed the photograph at a UFO convention and explained that the probe’s “encounter” and last photograph could be explained either as a legitimate UFO sighting, or the last, faulty transmission of a malfunctioning camera system.

  The Place: Mount Vernon, Missouri, 1984

  The Sighting: Aliens kidnapping cows.

  Background: One morning Paula Watson, a Mount Vernon resident, witnessed space aliens kidnapping cows near her house. Later in the day while canning vegetables in her basement, she noticed a “silvery alien with large eyes” peeking at her through the basement window. She tried to speak to the alien, but it backed away and she fell asleep. The next thing Watson knew she was inside the alien’s spaceship being examined. “I was standing up on a white table and the...alien was running his hands down my body, scanning my body.” Watson was later returned to Earth unharmed.

  Moles can dig as far as 300 feet a day.

  THE SEARCH FOR

  AMELIA EARHART

  Was she the victim of a fuel shortage, a bad navigator, or the Japanese military? America’s most famous aviatrix vanished on July 2, 1937. Now, over 60 years later, we may be close to finding out what really happened to her.

  BACKGROUND

 

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