“At first. But now? The man must be eighty if he’s a day.”
“I don’t know.” This time, she couldn’t keep the misery from her tone. Luckily, they’d reached the barn. She tugged at the heavy door and began sliding it aside. Jack reached around her and moved it for her.
“Sophia,” he began, touching her upper arm. “I think—”
“No.” She cut him off with a single word and a wave of her hand. “I don’t want to talk about this. It is what it is. Neither you nor I can do anything to change it.”
“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” he muttered behind her. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that at all.”
She decided to pretend she hadn’t heard him. “This is where we keep our livestock. I come here when I’m done my shift and visit the animals. We’re not allowed to have personal pets.”
He frowned. “But I’ve seen dogs and cats running around here. What’s up with that?”
“Just like everything else here, the dogs and cats, even the cows and horses, belong to everyone and to no one. We’re all responsible for their care, though some people are actually assigned work taking care of the livestock.”
“I would have liked that job,” he said, surprising her.
“Me, too,” she admitted softly, feeling as if she could melt into the kindness in his blue eyes. Eventually, she forced herself to look away. “But I work with helping people heal, so that’s better anyway. Still, I love animals and I have my favorites. There’s a mama cat who hunts mice in the barn. I’ve been feeding her scraps I save from my noon meal. She knows me now and will run over as soon as she hears my voice.”
“You’ve really never had a pet? Not even one of the community dogs or cats that you might have secretly adopted as your own?”
She hoped her casual shrug hid the longing in her heart. “Not personally. That really isn’t the way things are done around here.” Then, to her disbelief at her boldness, she patted his arm. “You’ll see. Once you learn how we live, everything will make more sense to you.”
“Will it?”
“Hopefully,” she answered, gently pulling her hand free. “Everything takes time.”
Though he nodded, his expression appeared skeptical. She was okay with that because she knew he’d eventually come to see the benefits of becoming one of the Chosen.
After that, she went from stall to stall, greeting each of the animals by name. The horses reached out their long necks for her to scratch them; the cows ambled over to have a sniff just in case she’d brought a treat. The goats all rushed to the stall door, jostling each other in an attempt to be the first she petted. Even in the last stall, where they kept two young pigs they’d recently acquired, though they didn’t yet come to her, she could have sworn they raised their heads in recognition when she called their names. She dropped two small pieces of cut-up apple in the space between them and the door, smiling as they went over to investigate the treat. “Soon, they’ll know my voice and that I bring them a snack. Once they figure that out, I trust that they’ll come to greet me, too.”
He nodded. “You really do have a way with animals.”
This time she didn’t bother to try to hide the pleasure she found in his words. “I do, don’t I?” she said happily. “I really enjoy interacting with them.”
Before she left, she went back to the huge gray horse she considered her favorite. He nickered softly, wanting a little extra attention. Grinning, she walked back down the aisle. “This is Smokey,” she said, scratching the big head right behind the ears. “He’s my favorite gelding.”
Once they’d left the barn, she took him toward the two huge greenhouses that housed their crops in the winter. “They’re empty now,” she said. “Because since it’s spring, we’ve planted the crops in the fields.”
He nodded, his distracted expression letting her know his thoughts were elsewhere. She wondered if he thought of his former life, the one he’d left behind. Had there been someone special he missed now? Taking a deep breath, she tried to work up the courage to ask him.
Instead she picked up the pace, giving him no choice but to hurry if he wanted to keep up.
“What’s the rush?” he asked.
“We’ve still got a lot of ground to cover if you want to see everything. You asked for a tour, and that’s what you shall have.”
For the next twenty minutes she kept to business, leading him around and pointing out each of the different buildings and their use.
Earlier, she didn’t know what impulse had made her reach for his hand to begin with, but once she’d made the gesture, it had felt right and she couldn’t exactly change her mind. The instant his big paw had engulfed hers, she realized she liked the way it felt, probably more than she should have. Time to take a deep breath, and get back to reality.
After all, she didn’t know this man, not really. They worked together, true, but that was it. Yet, sadly, already she knew him better than the man she was to marry in less than a month’s time.
“I feel like I’ve known you a long time,” he mused, echoing her thoughts. “Do you feel the same?”
She flushed but managed to keep her tone light. “No.” But despite her denial, there was truth in what he said. Or maybe it was just because that’s how she wanted it to be. Holding hands with him and walking aimlessly around had felt like something she’d ached to have for so long. As if they were courting.
The instant the thought occurred to her, she felt the wrongness of it. She was promised now, soon to be the wife of the most powerful man in COE. “I’m glad you feel that way. We can be friends, I think. But nothing more.” Her bluntness, though necessary, had her blushing again.
He gave her a startled look. “Of course.”
If anything, his easy acquiescence made her blush even worse. “Great,” she replied.
She left him at his lodgings and continued on toward home. Weird how being around him made her every nerve ending sing inside her. Not good; in fact, she’d only be asking for trouble. Yet Deirdre’s words from earlier kept running through her head. If she wanted a child...
No. Though she wouldn’t deny the temptation was strong. Almost overwhelmingly so.
Chapter 6
Pushing the dangerous thoughts from her mind, Sophia went inside her house and headed straight to the kitchen to see if Rachel needed help. This week Rachel and Sophia cooked, then their other two roommates would rotate the chore.
Instead of at the stove, she found Rachel at the kitchen table, head down and shoulders shaking. When Rachel heard her come in, she raised her face, held out her arms and let out a loud wail. Sophia hurried over, wrapping her friend up in a hug and holding her while she wept as if her heart had broken.
The front of Sophia’s shirt was soaked by the time Rachel got herself under control and stepped back. “I’m sorry,” she sniffed. “But it was a rough, rough day at work.”
Careful not to show her relief, Sophia nodded. “I thought maybe something had happened in your family group,” she said.
“Oh, no.” Rachel shook her head. “Everyone is fine, as far as I know. But my class... One of the boys is attempting to work through something. Whatever it is, it’s awful. He keeps trying to run away. Escape, he calls it. Says he wants his mom.” Her eyes filled with tears again, though she angrily tried to wipe them away. “He’ll bolt right in the middle of a lesson. The first time I was so startled he got outside the building before someone stopped him.” She took a deep, shuddery breath. “No matter how much I or anyone else tries to soothe him, he isn’t having it. He knows he’s got a bunch of loving parents in his family group, but says he doesn’t care.”
Sophia pulled out a chair and took a seat across from her roommate. “It might be something medical? If so, have him brought to the clinic and Dr. Drew will take a look at him.”
&nbs
p; Though Rachel nodded and attempted to look upbeat, the misery in her expression told another story. “They called. Dr. Drew believes it’s his mind,” she said. “The kid is absolutely convinced he doesn’t belong here, even though I’ve known him since he was a toddler.”
COE children were kept in their family group’s nursery along with all their other children, until old enough to go to school at age five. The nursery did all the early training.
“Did he have the same problem in the nursery? It had to start somewhere.”
“I know, but other than being a very quiet child, none of this started until he moved up to my class.” Rachel taught kindergarten through fourth grade.
“Poor child.” One of the things Sophia loved about Rachel was how much she cared. “What are you going to do about him?”
“I don’t know. He needs a therapist, that’s what Thomas said. Dr. Drew contacted him personally, because things have gotten so bad.” Rachel’s eyes filled again. “That child is on the verge of causing serious harm to himself or to others. It’s scary.”
Sophia remembered what Jack had told Dr. Drew earlier. “The new guy at the clinic—Jack—says he used to be a therapist. Maybe he can help. He told Dr. Drew, so if he feels like Jack can help, maybe he’ll have him do so.”
“Really? Oh, that would be amazing.” Relief shone in Rachel’s face. “At least maybe that one boy can get help. I wish they all could.”
“All?” Confused, Sophia eyed her. “What do you mean?”
“There are others. Two more, potentially three. This last group of young kids seems to have more problems than normal. I’m not sure why—they all come from different family groupings.”
“That’s weird. I don’t remember anything like that happening when we were children.”
“Me neither.” The glumness in Rachel’s voice matched her expression. “I wish I knew what was going on.”
Sophia took a deep breath. “Maybe we need to try to find out.”
“Maybe. But how?”
She had a point. Since questioning was frowned upon, there weren’t that many options.
That night, she tossed and turned, troubled.
The next morning, Sophia followed her normal routine, taking comfort in the familiar. Ana had the day off, which meant Sophia should have been busy. But Jack had organized everything and had also given the clinic a thorough cleaning, something she’d always counted on for busywork during the slow times.
She’d actually both looked forward to and dreaded spending a slow day with Jack, but Dr. Drew had given him a list and sent him out to procure some ingredients from the herb growers. Which meant Sophia again found herself left to her own devices, with nothing left to do but think.
Dr. Drew had closed himself in his office with stern instructions not to be disturbed unless there was an emergency.
Never had Sophia checked the clock so many times. The minutes crawled as she waited for the day to be over so she could go home. Her stomach grumbled, making her realize she was hungry way in advance of her scheduled dinnertime.
Desperate for distraction, she began to try to hunt down a snack. Sometimes patients brought baked goods or sweets, but there hadn’t been any lately. What she’d give for a few pieces of dark chocolate. Her mouth watered at the thought.
Thinking of chocolate made her realize it had been a long time since she’d been rewarded or even complimented. In years previously, Dr. Drew had presented her with a certificate and a reward for work well done. Once it had been dark chocolate, her favorite and a delicacy unobtainable on a regular basis.
Frowning, she realized that had been well over a year ago. Of course, it was possible he didn’t think she’d done anything wonderful lately. She tried to think, aware nothing had changed in her habits. She knew she hadn’t missed a single day of work in over a year. She’d trudged in, even on days when she felt too ill to have a coherent thought, and managed to do her job competently. She kept Ana working, and dealt with patients cheerfully, doing whatever Dr. Drew needed.
Yet clearly that hadn’t been enough, since Thomas had brought in Jack and Dr. Drew had added him to the staff, even though there was barely enough work for Sophia and Ana combined. Did Dr. Drew believe she’d somehow failed? Of course, without any kind of review, she had no way of knowing.
As if her thinking had conjured him, the doctor opened his door and emerged from his office. Spying her, he cleared his throat. “Could you get me a cup of coffee?” he asked.
“Of course.” She hurried off to do just that. While the coffee brewed, she brooded. Though questioning was frowned upon, she decided she’d go ahead and ask her boss when she could expect her review. After all, it was entirely possible that he’d forgotten. No matter how slow the clinic might get, he stayed busy. She could certainly understand how such a trivial milestone might have slipped his mind. Though, of course, to Sophia, a review and potential reward would never be trivial or unimportant.
Nor should it be to any of the Chosen. Sophia, like everyone else she knew, lived to excel. After all, they were aware excellence led them further up the path toward enlightenment. From early childhood on, they were all taught to strive to do above and beyond, with the promise of a reward. Until recently, that promise had been as certain as breathing.
Once the coffee had brewed, she carried it to him in his office. She waited until he’d sipped some before taking a step closer to his desk. “Doctor?” she asked, keeping her tone low and pleasant. “Might I ask a question?”
He squinted at her, disapproval plain on his aristocratic features. “What?” he grumbled.
Heart pounding, she swallowed. “I’m just wondering, sir, if my work lately has been...satisfactory?”
Was that impatience curling the corner of his lip? Or disgust? She took a step back, suddenly ashamed, although she didn’t understand why.
“Your work has been...satisfactory,” the doctor said. “Though this—” he waved his hand toward her “—is a bit out of line.”
Pretending not to realize he chided her, she nodded. “Well, then, I wanted to point out that I haven’t missed a single day in the entire past year. This will be my fifth year without a single absence.” Now that she’d had enough courage to blurt out the words, she waited for his expression to clear. Surely now he’d realize he’d completely forgotten her review.
“That’s what this is all about?” Anger flashed in his gaze. “Because you didn’t get your chocolate?”
Put like that, in the particular tone he used, it did sound petty. And stupid.
A low burn of anger simmered in her belly. Dangerous, so she kept it banked and gritted her teeth.
“It’s not just about the chocolate,” she said, hoping she’d succeeded in keeping her voice level. “Though I do enjoy that.” As if on cue, her stomach rumbled. She ignored it and continued. “But about what I strive for. The recognition of my excellence. Going without any sort of feedback is...distressing.”
“Well, maybe you’d better get used to it.” Dr. Drew’s thunderous expression matched the bluntness of his words. “Your life is about to completely change. You’ll soon be moving into an entirely different stratosphere. Things aren’t even close to the same in the big house.”
“I don’t understand,” she replied before she thought better. “You’re saying once I marry, I’ll no longer be able to strive for excellence?”
Indulgent now, Dr. Drew actually reached across the desk and patted her on the head, as if she was a small child in need of appeasement. “Our leader’s excellence will convey to you as one of his wives. In his shadow, all you will strive for is to please him.”
Staring, she tried to process what he was saying. Did he truly mean she would no longer be her own person? No more an individual, but simply one of Ezekiel’s shadows, existing only at his whim?
Suddenly more terrified than she’d ever been, she managed to nod in what she hoped was a docile manner and slowly backed out of his office. “Thank you for your words of wisdom,” she murmured when she really wanted to shriek and scream and throw things, which would be decidedly un-Chosen-like.
* * *
When Jack returned from getting the herbs—a large, zip-locked bag full of who-knew-what that made him feel like he was couriering illicit drugs, the clinic seemed strangely empty. He knew Ana had the day off, but neither the doctor nor Sophia was anywhere in sight.
Maybe they were with patients. If so, then what to do with the herbs? Maybe he should take them to the doctor’s office.
Jack had barely walked down the hallway when Dr. Drew appeared and snatched the bag from him. “Thanks,” he said. “Please get us both a cup of coffee and come back to my office,” he ordered, striding away.
This could be a good thing or a bad. Hope flooding him that it would be about his alleged therapy experience, Jack kept his expression neutral as he poured two cups and then returned to the office. He still saw no sign of Sophia. If she was intentionally making herself scarce, she was doing a good job. He pushed away his disappointment, aware he needed to focus.
The doctor’s office, though small, had been richly furnished. An ornate, dark mahogany desk dominated the small room. A high-quality leather chair sat behind it. Two richly upholstered chairs faced the desk and, after placing the coffee mugs on the desk, Jack took a seat in one of them.
The leather chair squeaked as Dr. Drew lowered his bulk into it. After taking a long drink of his coffee, he used his hands to make a steeple on his desk. Silently, he eyed Jack.
“When we spoke earlier, you mentioned you’d been a therapist,” the doctor finally said. “May I ask where you received your training?”
Jack pretended to be confused. “I haven’t had any formal training. I acted as an apprentice for the army psychologist in my unit. There were too many soldiers who needed help for him to handle. So he taught me, showed me what to do and I helped him out. Why do you ask?”
Wyoming Undercover Page 7
