by steve higgs
When I returned to the table a few minutes later with five fresh pints of lager Big Ben was giving Jagjit advice on pick-up lines.
‘The thing to know is that every chat up line in the book has been used to death so you need to come up with something original.' I set the drinks out on the table. Jagjit, Hilary and Basic each still had some left of the previous pint, so I lined their new ones up behind their half-drained glasses. Big Ben and I had yet to quench our thirst. No surprise then that Big Ben paused to take a long draught of his as I put it down.
‘So, what do you do?' asked Hilary.
‘I have several tactics to deploy depending on the calibre of the prey and what mood I am in. One method that often works is to strike with a shock tactic statement that gets their attention.' Big Ben answered.
‘Such as?’ I asked.
‘Well, my current favourite is to announce that the first time I sleep with a girl I am always impressed by just how far a vagina can stretch to accommodate me.’
‘Wow.' Jagjit said.
Hilary just looked stunned.
‘And that works?’ I asked.
‘Generally, yes. The lady or ladies are either horrified, in which case I have blown my chance, or they are not, in which case I am pretty much guaranteed to be in.’
‘I’m not sure I am brave enough to try that tactic.’ said Jagjit.
‘I’m not sure you should try.’ said Hilary.
‘Nor me.’ I added.
‘So, moving on.’ Jagjit started, changing the subject. ‘I didn’t yet tell you all about the new love interest Tempest has attracted.’ I had my drink to my lips as Jagjit spoke and could not swallow fast enough to interrupt him.
‘Oh, really?’ asked Big Ben looking at me.
‘Really.’ replied Jagjit. ‘The delightful Debbie came by the house on Sunday night. She was wearing only lingerie, heels and a coat.’ I stayed quiet waiting for Jagjit to deliver his punchline.
Then I was going to punch him.
‘Excuse me. How did this snippet not crop up in conversation over the last few days?’ Big Ben asked me quite seriously like I had been holding back important facts. Jagjit butted in before I could answer, tactilely putting his hand on my forearm as if acting as defensive spokesman.
‘Well, Ben the thing is, Debbie is something of a handful.’
‘I hope you did the decent thing and cleared out?’ Big Ben asked him.
It was time for me to speak finally. ‘Ben you know you have that rule that a chap should not shag a girl that he cannot bench press?' I allowed him a second for that to sink in. ‘Well, Debbie is a plus-sized lady.’
‘And she had a mustache like Lando Calrissian.' Laughed Jagjit again before regaling the entire table with the tale of how he had screamed and nearly wet himself when he opened the door to her. I then had to explain how it had come about due to my mother ambushing me with a blind date when I had gone for dinner at my parent's house. Debbie is a girl that I knew twenty-five years ago growing up. Back then she was ok to look at, she had filled out a little, which wasn’t an insurmountable issue, but the facial hair was a bit off-putting.
Big Ben turned to me, put his pint down and for once posed a serious question. ‘What are you going to do about the girl situation? You seem to suddenly have options and don't know what to do about them. I could give you my advice,'
‘But since you would shag them all at the same time, in the same bed and then shoot off to shag their sisters as well, we can pretty much skip that part of the conversation.' I interrupted.
‘Weak.’ Big Ben said shaking his head sadly. ‘Just weak. But since it’s you, you shandy-sniffing butt weasel, I suppose you should pick one and focus on her.’
‘So, which one?’ asked Hilary, who had been quiet throughout this exchange and never got involved in conversations about single women because his wife told him he was not allowed to.
‘Yeah. Which one, Tempest?’ asked Big Ben.
I shrugged, acknowledging that I just did not know the answer to the question. I stayed quiet for a second considering how to frame my answer but instead elected to use the assembled group as a sounding board. ‘Ok, so I have one girl that is clearly interested, but in my opinion too young for me.’
‘Poison.’ stated Jagjit.
‘Yes. Miss Ivy Wong, AKA Poison. I could engage in good old, honest naked fun with her.'
‘Damn right.' said Big Ben.
‘But.’ I accentuated the but hard and said it twice. ‘But I cannot work out what I do with her after the naked fun.’
‘More naked fun, silly.’
‘Yes, thank you, Ben.' I replied. ‘Seriously though, I like her. She is undeniably hot in a fitness model meets Victoria's Secret model way, but at nineteen I cannot see the two of us engaging in anything other than naked fun and I will continue to interact with her and her boss afterward. Let's just scratch her from the list for now.' I took a sip of beer before continuing. ‘Next up is Hayley from the coffee shop,'
‘Describe her.’ Big Ben demanded.
‘Okay. She is mid-twenties.'
‘Shag her.’ he instructed.
‘Is slim but curvy,’
‘Shag her.’
‘has a pretty face and delicate hands,’
‘Anoint her with your sticky goo.’
‘and sent me a text saying she just wants some cock.’
‘Give me her number, shag someone else.’ Big Ben concluded.
‘Ben, I am not sure that you are being much help.’ said Hilary. He was right of course but helping had never been Big Ben’s intention. His plan was to annoy me because he is an utter git.
‘The option to shag her does appeal actually.’ I conceded. ‘She is lovely and clearly wants an uncomplicated arrangement.’
‘Sounds like a win to me.’ said Jagjit. ‘Why are you holding back?’
‘Amanda.’ I answered simply. It was an honest answer and I knew it. ‘Also, I don’t just want a shag. I am not in my twenties anymore, the need to rampantly sow my seed might still call to me at times, but I can barely hear it over the desire to have something more.’
‘Something more… what?’ Big Ben wanted to know.
‘Something more relationshippy. Something where we spend time together not having sex, where we might take a holiday together or go to a garden centre to pick out shrubs.’
Big Ben had a look on his face as if someone had just suggested being a eunuch might be fun and he should give it a go. ‘What. The heck. Is. The matter. With you?’
‘There is nothing the matter with Tempest.’ Hilary said, ‘He wants what most men except you want: A girlfriend.’
‘So, why don’t you shag Amanda then?’ asked Big Ben.
‘Because Amanda,' I paused for effect, ‘does not appear to want to shag me.'
‘Have you asked her?’
Before I can answer, the door behind me opened with the tell-tale rush of cooler air and I watched as across the table the colour drained from Jagjit's face.
I turned my head to see who it was and there was Debbie blocking the door, her frame filling it almost completely. I was just a few feet from her and effectively trapped.
‘Hey, baby.' she murmured, locking eyes with me and smouldering with passion.
‘Hey, baby!’ replied Big Ben getting up. He flashed her a smile, ‘Might I buy you a drink?’
‘Goodness, you are a big one.' she replied taking in Big Ben's height and musculature. I cringed, waiting for Big Ben to say exactly the same back to her.
For once he held back and replied with, ‘You should see me naked if you think I look big now.' Then he took her unresisting hand and led her to the bar. She didn't even look in my direction as she went. I was eclipsed by the promise of a greater prize. Suddenly realising I was holding my breath I exhaled and felt myself slump.
‘Who is that?' whispered Hilary from across the table.
‘That is Debbie.’ answered Jagjit.
‘My God.’ Hilary said tak
ing her in. ‘What is Ben doing?’
‘Taking one for the team I think.’
At the bar, the Landlord dutifully placed a drink in front of Debbie, a white wine spritzer by the look of it. Big Ben leaned forward and said something quietly to her then headed back over to our table.
‘Right, knob jockey. You are going to owe me one for this. Honestly, I am not sure my dick is ready to tackle anything less than a nine and Debbie scores a three, so if I snap my dick off you need to be ready to listen to a lot of women complaining.'
‘What are you going to do now?’ I asked.
‘Take her home and shag her, I guess. Make it so she never thinks about you again.’
‘But you were going to crash at mine, so have already been drinking. Can you drive?’
‘I have not yet finished my first pint. As long as I don't have any more, I will be fine.' He answered.
With that, he went back to the bar where Debbie was waiting patiently. I watched as he whispered something to her, then stared horrified as she grabbed his wrist and dragged him towards the door. My gumption finally caught up with me at that point. While I might be horrified at any notion of being near to or even interacting with Debbie, I could not contemplate sleep tonight knowing the fate I had allowed Big Ben to consign himself to just to save me.
‘I might need a hand here.’ I said to the table as I stood up.
Debbie and Big Ben had just passed us and were out the door of the small pub already. ‘I can’t let you do it, Ben.’ I said loud enough to arrest their motion.
He pulled away from Debbie and came back towards the safety of the pub. As he neared though he slowed and leaned down so we could talk quietly in a huddle.
‘What are you doing, mate?’ he asked. ‘Will this get her off your back?’
‘Maybe.’
‘Only maybe?’
‘Yeah. No guarantee that I can see.’
‘Damn. Well, too late now.'
‘You have to be kidding.’ Jagjit chipped in. ‘What if she decides she wants to go on top?’
‘Yeah or sit on your face.’ added Hilary.
‘Damn right.’ I said. ‘What if she decides to sit on your face? I cannot be responsible for your death, even if death by pussy suffocation is at the top of your list of preferred ways to go.’
‘I’ll just have to set some ground rules I guess.’ Big Ben said, looking less certain now.
‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I asked.
‘Mate, I would rather ask the cute girl at the pharmacy for petite size condoms.’ He looked as scared as I was feeling.
Behind him Debbie was pulling her coat tighter around herself, it was cool out and a breeze had blown through the car park chilling us all.
Big Ben stood up straight, set his jaw and turned to go. Crazy or not he had decided to see the task through. I threw myself at him and tackled him to the ground.
‘Goodness boys. There is no need to fight over me.’ Debbie said.
Big Ben had come to rest face down with his hands beneath his chest as if he was about to perform a press up. I was untangling my arms from his legs where I had landed partially on top of him. We both looked up at her.
‘You can both have me.’ Debbie added.
‘Screw that.’ I heard Jagjit say from behind me.
Big Ben and I agreed wholeheartedly with that sentiment, throwing ourselves upwards off the ground and making a scramble to get back inside the pub. Jagjit, Hilary, and Basic blocked our way causing a logjam as we shoved them roughly through the aperture in a desperate bid to escape the horny plus-size woman outside.
I tumbled through the doorway into the warmth and relative safety inside still pushing Jagjit ahead of me. I tripped and fell on the sill of the door, drawing the attention of the old lady who had already chastised me once for leaving the door open. She just looked down at me and tutted.
As I began to get up from the slightly moist and sticky carpet, I heard a quiet yelp from Big Ben. I shot my head around to look over my shoulder at the doorway behind me. He was half in, half out of the door, but he was horizontal and gripping the corner of the fruit machine positioned by it with both hands. His legs were outside the door somewhere.
We locked eyes. ‘Help?' he mouthed somewhat impatiently as if I should already be off my arse and doing something.
As I stood up, I could see that Debbie had hold of his ankles and was pulling him back outside. Hilary was staring in mute horror and neither Jagjit nor Basic had even noticed.
‘Fellas!’ I yelled. ‘Grab an arm!’
Grasping Big Ben around his shoulders so I had a good grip, I tugged him away from the fruit machine which allowed him to lock his arms around my torso. He looked into my eyes, ‘Don’t let go.’ he pleaded.
‘Let him go.’ Debbie demanded, tugging at his legs. There were four men trying to pull Big Ben back into the supposed security of the pub and just one Debbie was holding her own against us. She did have a lot of mass and a low centre of gravity on her side though. ‘He is coming with me!’ she shouted between grunted breaths.
‘No, he isn't.' I insisted. The ridiculous tug of war continued as a car pulled into the carpark. A couple in their twenties got out, looked at us inquiringly and sidestepped cautiously past us to get into the pub.
Momentarily distracted by their passing, Debbie's grip loosened. With a final yank, Big Ben was free. We tumbled back into the pub in a pile out of breath on the carpet.
‘My round?’ I asked feebly lying on my back. I had someone’s feet on me and my head was lying on someone else’s hip.
‘Someone’s bloody round, that’s for sure. I need a double.’ Hilary answered.
My Parent's House. Saturday, 9th October 0951hrs
I usually spent Sunday afternoon at my parent's house, but mum wanted me to help shift some heavy plants around in the garden as they were to be bedded down in the greenhouse for winter, so was going over now instead. Quite why she went to the trouble of growing plants that could not tolerate the English winter I could not understand. I had, however, given up arguing about it many years ago. If I failed to help the task would simply fall to my father and he would struggle to complete it by himself. Between us, it would be easy.
I had taken the dogs for a pleasant early morning walk across the vineyards and had some breakfast but had done little more than that before setting off for their house. They only lived a few miles away, so with the dogs in a neat pile on the passenger seat, I headed there taking the scenic, countryside route rather than the faster hop down the motorway.
My parents were pretty good fun although my mother was disappointed that I had not supplied grandchildren yet and clearly felt my priorities were wrong because I ought to be impregnating someone surely. Marriage first of course and I got the impression that my mother did not care who I married just as long as I just got on with it. She was also not entirely content with my job. She did not exactly disapprove of my line of work but would much rather I do something that she could talk about in public without people asking her if she was serious.
In contrast, my father was a delight. He was relaxed about just about everything, though I suspected that if my mother had been equally as relaxed, and as much fun as my father, then growing up there would have been too little discipline.
The drive to their house had taken just a few minutes and as usual, as I swung into the street the two dogs popped their heads up attentively. They always knew they were arriving at my parent's house and I remain curious about whether it was smell or sound or some kind of dog GPS system that told them where they were.
Parking outside their house, I remembered that the last time I was there mother had ambushed me with Debbie, the rather calorie enhanced sex pest that had sought me out at the pub last night and had previously turned up at my house in her underwear. She was not the first instance of my mother attempting to mate me off but had been by far the scariest proposition thus far. I felt confident that mother would not try the same tr
ick again so soon, but just in case, I crept up to their front window and looked through it to scan the potential battleground. They were, however, both absent and were most likely already in the back garden getting started on the task planned for the morning.
I went around the back of the house, following the dogs as they had shot off ahead of me. My parents were not in the garden though, they were still in the house. I could see dad washing up dishes at the kitchen sink. He looked up and spotted me when Bull barked at the back door. He waved a soapy mitt, grabbed a small towel to dry his hands and disappeared from view. He reappeared a few seconds later in the dining room and opened the door which was locked from the inside.
