“I took a pregnancy test yesterday which came out positive. I…I thought I ought to get checked properly to make sure.”
“Oh yes, wise to do so. Did you bring an early morning urine sample?” The doctor’s smile remained in situ.
Felicity handed over a small bag with a little container in it. The doctor opened a long, white plastic package, about the size of a biro and dipped the end in the sample.
“It doesn’t take long. I’ll give you a quick once over whilst we wait.” The doctor proceeded to check Flick’s blood pressure and pulse. “You seem fit and well, which is good news.”
After a few more minutes of Jim scrunching his hands anxiously, feeling somewhat invisible, the doctor checked the test.
“I’m very sorry…the test is actually negative.” The doctor’s smile finally gone, Jim sat upright, confused.
Flick let out a huge puff of air as if she’d been holding her lungs full. “Right, well that’s that then.” Felicity’s voice was back to its normal breezy self.
“Hang on…that can’t be right? The one yesterday was positive,” Jim barked
“I know, Mr Johnston-Hart. And it is very rare to get a false positive. More likely to get a false negative but in this instance it is a false positive. Your wife is not pregnant.”
“It’s MacDuff…Mr. MacDuff…and you said yourself false negatives are more frequent…so what if yours is wrong?” He was clinging onto the last shred of hope, although he had no clue why, considering Flick’s reaction.
“I’m very sorry Mr. MacDuff, but you can always try again.” She spoke in a very patronising tone which made Jim angry. He stood and stormed out of the surgery, not stopping until he reached the Land Rover.
~~~~~
Flick followed him, trotting along on her stilettos. She opened the car door and climbed in awkwardly, muttering under her breath how she hated this car.
“Don’t you think you were a bit harsh on Dr. Jacobs in there?” she spat as he sat there, white knuckled, holding on to the steering wheel and staring straight ahead.
“No.” He growled back through gritted teeth.
“Jim, it can’t be helped. We have plenty of time. No need to get so stressed.” Now she was patronising him, making him bristle.
After a long silent interlude, Jim found the words he wanted to say, however hurtful. “The fact that it was negative after I got my hopes up was painful…but what’s even more painful is that you thought the prospect of carrying my baby so abhorrent that you would have had decisions to make.” His eyes stung and he bit the inside of his lip, determined not to let her see him cry over this.
“Jim, it just isn’t the right time. My career is going so well—”
“Your fucking career? Is that what’s more important to you than us creating a new life?” His eyes were ablaze with hurt and anger as he turned to face her.
“Please don’t swear at me, Jim. Clearly you’re more ready for this type of thing than I am.” She snorted out a half laugh, fuelling Jim’s pain.
“More ready for this type of thing?” he repeated, his voice cracking as an angry tear escaped, much to his chagrin.
Flick softened. “Oh, Jim… I don’t know what to say. I love you so much, but I’m not ready to be a mother yet. And yes…I was relieved to find the test was negative… I’m so sorry. Please don’t be upset with me.” She leaned over to him and kissed him, wiping away the errant tear with her thumb. He breathed in sharply.
“Well, at least I know where we stand on the issue now.” He didn’t look her in the eyes.
“We have plenty of time, sweetheart. You need to find a better job and we need to save up for a house. It’s just not the right time.” She squeezed his thigh.
“Maybe not. But it scares me to think about what you would’ve done if the test had been positive, Flick.” He swallowed hard. Flick turned to face front. She didn’t make any attempts to answer, which in effect gave him the answer he was afraid of hearing from her. He started the car and they drove home in silence…
~~~~~
January 2010 – Eleven Months After the Break-up
Edgar shook his head in frustration over what he had just heard. He was clearly as confused as Jim over Felicity’s reaction to a possible pregnancy.
“I had no idea about any of that. She kept it very quiet,” he whispered croakily. “You will make a wonderful father one day, Jim. I’m just so sad that it won’t be my grandkiddies you’re fathering.” The emotional old man squeezed Jim’s arm. He couldn’t bear to see Edgar cry over this ridiculous situation.
“I’d better be off, anyway. I have a long drive and I really should get on.” Jim paused and then threw his arms around his father-in-law—soon to be ex. Edgar reciprocated the strong embrace and patted Jim’s back.
“Keep in touch, eh? Maybe not straight away, I know you’ll be busy getting set up. But drop us a line every so often and let us know how you’re getting on, eh? You’re still family as far as I’m concerned.” Edgar fought the tears that were threatening as he placed a firm hand on his son-in-law’s shoulder.
Jim headed for his Land Rover and opened the door. He called to his black Labrador, who also seemed reluctant to tear himself away. “C’mon Jasper! C’mon boy!” The dog somewhat hesitantly jumped into the vehicle and James slammed the door. He looked back to Edgar who was now wiping tears from his haggard face with the back of his hand. In his chest, Jim’s heart squeezed as he watched the old man he had known for many years and had been very fond of trying to deal with the fact that his daughter’s marriage had collapsed and he’d been helpless to stop it.
“You know, Ed, I just want her to be happy. I hoped that I could be the one to do that for her, but perhaps she’s just from a higher plane than me?” He smiled, doing his best to make it easier for the old man.
“Gah! Pish tosh!” Edgar was having none of it. “She is so hell bent on succeeding in that damned career of hers she can’t seem to realise that she could have had both!” The man was clearly angry about his daughter’s most recent life choices.
“You take care, Ed. I’ll write when I get sorted. I’ll send some photos. Perhaps you could come and visit?” He knew there was little chance of Edgar making the journey hundreds of miles from his country pile in East Boldre, Hampshire, to the Scottish Highlands, but he at least wanted to make the gesture.
“Yes, yes, dear boy. That would be marvellous.” Edgar nodded but Jim was unclear as to which part he was agreeing to and didn’t want to ask.
“Say goodbye to Penny for me. I’m sorry I missed her.” He wasn’t sorry in the slightest. His mother-in-law—soon to be ex—thankfully—was not his biggest fan and he wasn’t allowed to call her Penny. She preferred Penelope and made a point of saying so whenever Jim tried to be a little more familiar. He had no doubt where Felicity got it from.
“I will, Son. I will. You drive carefully. Make sure you have plenty of breaks. And don’t drive if you feel tired!” Bless him. Such concern. A kindred spirit. Unlike Penelope. Jim had simply never been good enough, rich enough, or posh enough for her liking. “And get writing, Son. You’ve plenty of books in you just waiting to spring forth. Make this fresh start the new beginning of your new career as an author.” Jim had always loved that they had writing in common. Edgar had always told Jim that he believed Jim was a potential best-selling author and that Jim just needed the right setting and the right encouragement. He now hoped that Scotland would give him that.
Jim climbed into the driver’s seat and gave a final wave before setting off down the long driveway. When he was nearing the gates, he saw a little convertible coming toward him. He slowed when he realised it had pulled over. He, too, then stopped. The driver of the car climbed out, long lean legs first, followed by slender body and pretty face complete with stern, serious expression. Felicity made her way to the driver’s side of Jim’s car.
“I didn’t expect to see you here… You’re going then?” Jim took the question as rhetorical. He mu
sed at how, in that moment, she looked harder and more severe than he had ever imagined possible. Her blonde, blunt cut hair resting at chin level, unlike when they had first met. Her designer sunglasses were perched atop her head and she squinted in the sunlight of the cold winter morning. She had an air of superiority about her now that belied her true self. They both knew it.
“Aye, I’m all packed up and ready for the off.” He forced a smile but did not let it reach his eyes.
“The Decree Nisi papers came this morning,” she stated matter-of-factly. “That’s it now…things are finally done,” she said breezily. Jim shook his head, the curve of his mouth taking a downturn.
“Aye well, I guess mine will be forwarded with the rest of my mail.” He felt sadly resigned now. After a pause, he looked back at her and said, “Flick, we’ve been apart for ages now, and yet you still manage to make it sound like you’re escaping some horrible, despicable fiend of a man.”
She seemed to squirm under his gaze. “It’s Felicity, James. I don’t think you’re despicable at all.” She snorted. “You and I both know that we didn’t work. It’s over. We can happily get on with our respective lives, just the way we want now.” She pulled invisible lint from the sleeves of her smart winter jacket, avoiding eye contact. Jim realised he was flogging the proverbial dead horse yet again.
“Aye, well it’s Jim, thank you, Felicity. And there are those of us who disagree with your opinions on our marriage. I, contrary to what you may think and feel, will remember our time together with fondness and will sign those papers with a stab of regret and sadness in my heart.” He put the car into gear and drove away without giving her the opportunity to have the last word.
“How did we end up here, eh, Jasper? I really wish I knew.” Jim leaned over and scratched the top of the dog’s head as he began his journey northwards, the sound of Beautiful Day by Three Colours Red resonating around his beloved car.
Chapter 3
January 2010 - Eleven Months After the Break Up
Although he was raised in Scotland, Jim was by no means heading home. Dumbarton, place of his upbringing, held no pull for him now with his parents gone. They had put every penny they could aside for their sons. The brothers discovered after their parents’ deaths that this was the reason for their frugal existence. The modest town house they inherited on top of the savings had meant that Jim could buy himself a place, albeit small and a little run down. Although the money had always been intended to set him up in a home with Felicity, he’d sat on the money for years not daring to dip into it lest it be swallowed up on minor frivolities. But that home—their home—clearly was never meant to be.
The choice of his new location, Shieldaig in the West Highlands, was more of an escape. He had visited as a child with his family when they were on holiday, but he didn’t remember too much about it. His memories were all in the family photos he’d kept. He just knew that it was a peaceful, almost undiscovered place, certainly more his pace of life than London. Because he had no memories of Flick here, he knew he could start afresh.
Wipe the slate clean.
There would be nothing around each corner to remind him of what a mess he had made of things. He could reinvent himself if he so wished. Not that he would do that. He wasn’t pretentious. That had kind of been the problem really. He couldn’t pretend to be anyone but himself and this hadn’t been good enough. He’d come to realise, in recent years, that Flick was out of his league. But he also knew that he wasn’t a bad person. Other than a failed marriage he had nothing to be ashamed of. He had loved his wife more than life itself. He’d tried so damned hard to fit in with her life and all its glamour. But he simply wasn’t that good an actor.
His brother, Euan, had escaped too. He had emigrated to Australia to be with the woman of his dreams whom he had met two years ago whilst travelling through Europe.
Jim was slightly envious of Euan’s relationship with Tara. She was very easy going and fun to be around. Every bit the beach babe, she had a petite frame, sun bleached curly hair, and eyes as green as the brightest emeralds. Euan had always been into sports and had excelled in football at school. He had been travelling around Europe with some of his football team mates when he was introduced to Tara in a bar in Germany by one of his friends.
Euan was due a visit to the UK. He had promised Jim, during their phone call a few days ago that he would be back at some point this year and would be bringing Tara back with him.
“It’ll be great to see you, bro! I can’t wait! I’m looking forward to seeing where you end up living now that you’re rid of Cruella De Ville!” Euan chuckled. He had actually always seemed to like Felicity but in recent years that clearly had changed.
“Euan, please don’t call her that,” Jim said flatly.
“Hey, why the fuck are you defending her? After what she did to you, I think you could be forgiven for calling her a lot fucking worse!”
“Aye…well, it won’t change anything, so what’s the point?” Jim’s voice was a low resigned rumble.
“Look, bro, I’m a fair distance away, I know that, but I’m only at the end of the phone, okay? You call me if you need to talk.”
“Aye, I know. Thanks… Love you, bro.”
“Aye and I love you too, you ugly fucker!” Euan chuckled and hung up.
~~~~~
Jasper slept as Jim drove through the towns and cities of middle England and on up through the industrial landscape in the north of the country. He breathed a sigh of relief when he finally drove across the border into Scotland. It was early evening and the Borders were aglow with the low winter sun. The snow-capped Cheviot Hills dazzled on the horizon as the sun glinted on the bright, glistening canvas, spread over them like a crisp white blanket. It was a truly stunning sight.
Thankfully the weather had been rather kind and the snow had not yet arrived in earnest. Jim was sure that this would most likely change once he had arrived at his new home. This was the worst time of year for getting snowed in after all.
As night fell the journey was drawing to its conclusion. There had been several stops for Jim to stretch his legs and for Jasper to do his necessary doggy business. Service station coffee had most definitely improved, Jim had mused, as he had drank his third of the journey. At least these days the well-known coffee chains had lodged themselves nicely in there, meaning that at least what he drank actually tasted like coffee.
The moonlit Highlands in winter—what a sight to behold. The rugged, stony outcrops sparkled with a light dusting of snow, like icing sugar on a slice of rocky road cake. The temperature had dropped and the sun had given way to the bright white full moon. Myriad stars were visible like diamonds strewn across black velvet. It really was beautiful. He could clearly make out The Big Dipper and Orion as he drove. He had to keep reminding himself to look ahead at the road so he could drive straight; the sky was such a glorious distraction. The road, however, was empty apart from Jim’s Land Rover and the odd motorbike or car. Other road users were certainly few and far between, giving Jim’s surroundings a particularly eerie atmosphere.
Jim was beginning to feel exhausted. He was thankful that tonight would not be his official moving in. He had managed to get a removal firm that would hold his furniture overnight, meaning he could at least get a decent night’s sleep at a bed and breakfast prior to the gruelling day to come. He had located a dog friendly bed and breakfast where Jasper was allowed to sleep on the floor beside his bed. This was a relief as he didn’t fancy having to make his best friend sleep in the car on a clear night like tonight when there was certain to be a frost.
It was late when Jim arrived in the Highlands. He checked into the bed and breakfast on the outskirts of Dingwall and snuggled up for the night, exhausted after his long, lonely drive. Sleep came quickly, but Jim was plagued by dreams of his ex and their failed marriage. The fitful night’s sleep ended at six o’clock when he gave up the fight and climbed into the shower.
~~~~~
After a rath
er delicious and much needed full Scottish breakfast of succulent sausage, salty bacon, haggis, fried egg with a runny yolk, just how he liked it, and a tattie scone, he made his way to collect the keys for his new place. The estate agent congratulated him on his new purchase and handed over a small bunch of keys. He made a comment that stuck in Jim’s mind.
“So, Mr. MacDuff, it’s the end of one chapter and the beginning of a whole new book, eh?”
Jim had smiled and nodded. He was right. This was a fresh start, albeit thrust upon him in many ways. He had to grasp the opportunity with both hands, otherwise he would fail at this too, and he couldn’t let that happen. And talking of books…well…maybe he would give that a go too.
Jim pulled up the Land Rover outside the little whitewashed cottage on Main Street facing Loch Shieldaig. The double fronted building was very pretty, if a little on the small side. It had everything he needed—two bedrooms, in case Charles or his brother came to visit, a dining kitchen, a cosy lounge, and outside stood a small adjacent building that he would convert to a little coffee hut so that he could make a little money when tourists came by. The small campsite behind the house was something he hadn’t bargained for, but at least he would be kept busy.
His furniture would be arriving a little later so Jim had the opportunity to check that the place was clean. He carried a box of cleaning products into the little house, Jasper following close behind sniffing at everything in a bid to familiarise himself with his new surroundings. The house smelled of damp due to the fact that it had been standing empty for quite a while. It had been several months since he had first seen and offered on it. It was a low offer but luckily for him the owners had been desperate to sell.
The lounge had a lovely open fire, which would get plenty of use. It quickly became apparent that the owners had cleaned everything prior to Jim moving in. That saved him a major job, however he decided to clean the kitchen himself, and besides, it would keep him busy until the removals firm came to reunite him with his belongings.
Through the Glass Page 3
