She set the paper down and picked up the ragged Bible she’d pulled out of a box in her closet. It had been her grandmother’s Bible—it was the only thing Eva took from the house when she died. While everyone else argued over Grandma Susie’s jewelry and furs, Eva took the thing her grandmother had cherished most.
Eva hadn’t been close to Grandma Susie right before she died. The adult film industry had alienated Eva from her entire family, but especially from her grandmother. Grandma Susie wouldn’t speak a word to Eva, and every time they were in the same room, Grandma Susie would just start praying.
Eva had loved her grandmother more than anything. She’d sat in Grandma Susie’s lap until she was ten years old, listening to all the stories she told about growing up on a farm in Arkansas with her nine siblings. No matter what any of her cousins said, Eva knew she was her grandmother’s favorite.
But everything had changed when Eva’s Uncle Parnell had started touching her. He would lure Eva into his room at Grandma Susie’s house with a treat or a pretty toy and then touch her in places no little girl should be touched.
Eva remembered hating the touches, but she loved her uncle and didn’t want him to be angry with her. She’d kept the abuse secret for years before she told her mother, who was by then already on drugs.
When the secret was revealed, everyone was angry with her and not with Uncle Parnell. Grandma Susie had called her a little harlot for letting it go on for so long. Her mother told her she was fast and always had been.
Eva shivered and felt her eyes water at the memory of that ordeal with Uncle Parnell. She clutched Grandma Susie’s Bible, trying to conjure up a good recollection to counteract the bad. She missed her grandmother—not the mean and hateful Grandma Susie that had cast Eva out of her own family, but the one who had rocked her in her arms and had read her stories from her Bible as if it was her own personal storybook.
Eva felt so alone in the world. Even though the other adult film performers weren’t really her family, they were all she had. They were the only other people she’d connected with since the time that she was sixteen. Eva couldn’t believe that she’d been in the industry for over twenty years.
Eva opened Grandma Susie’s Bible and just started reading wherever her eyes landed. She read a story in the book of Mark about a woman who wanted a demon cast out of her child and asked Jesus for help.
Jesus’s reply was, “Let the children first be filled, for it is not meet to take the children’s bread, and to cast it unto the dogs.”
Eva kept reading. She felt like that woman. An outcast on the outskirts of everyone who seemed blessed. All Eva wanted was a little thing from God. Nothing big. She just wanted a friend and the assurance that she wouldn’t be homeless for keeping her promise to Him.
In the next verse, the woman said, “Yes, Lord, yet the dogs under the table eat of the children’s crumbs.”
And then Jesus did something miraculous for that woman. He healed her daughter of her demon possession, though she wasn’t one of the precious children. Even though she was an outcast.
Another tear trickled down Eva’s face and landed on the page. Something told her that if she would just ask God, He would help her with what she needed, despite the fact that she hadn’t done everything right. Even if she had been touched by her uncle for four years.
She felt so small, like she imagined the woman in the Bible felt. But Jesus had done a miracle in that woman’s life, and Eva wondered if the same could happen in her situation.
Eva’s rent was due, and she had one hundred dollars to her name. She hadn’t been smart like some of the other film stars she’d known over the years. Eva hadn’t saved a penny, but had spent most of it partying and living like a rock star. It had never occurred to her that one day she’d leave the industry.
Eva put down the Bible and picked up the phone. It was dinnertime for most people, but Yvonne had said to call her anytime.
“Hello?” Yvonne said when she answered the phone.
“Um, hi, Sister Yvonne. It’s Eva.”
There was a long pause. Eva thought it was because Yvonne didn’t recognize her voice. Then finally Yvonne replied, “Oh! Eva, how are you?”
“Well . . . did I catch you at a bad time?”
“I was just on my way out to Bible study, but it’s not a bad time. You want to talk about something?”
“I do. Maybe I’ll just come up to the church and see you face-to-face. Is that okay?”
“Of course it is, honey! I’m looking forward to us talking again.”
This made Eva smile. She couldn’t think of anyone else right now who’d be looking forward to seeing her or talking to her. A feeling of warmth filled her body.
“I’m looking forward to it, too.”
“Well, come on, then. It’s funny you called me just now. I think God must have a Word for both of us tonight. What do you think?”
Eva looked down at the Bible on the table and said, “I think God already gave me one Word today, but I sure wouldn’t pass up another one.”
Yvonne laughed into the phone. It was a melodic laugh, which Eva enjoyed hearing. “Ain’t nothing wrong with being greedy over God. See you at church!”
“Okay, Sister Yvonne.”
Even after Yvonne disconnected the call, Eva sat there holding the phone, in awe of what had just happened. She thought that maybe she’d found a friend for the first time since she was a teenager.
But she wondered, would Yvonne want to be friends with one of the dogs?
CHAPTER 13
TAYLOR
“Ma, I don’t want to go to Bible study. Why can’t you and Spencer just leave me here?”
This boy is really about to get on my last nerve. He just started this mess calling Spencer by his first name instead of Daddy. It hurts Spencer’s feelings, but it just makes me mad.
“Your father and I aren’t going to leave you at home, Joshua. You are only eleven. You can’t take care of yourself.”
“Yes, I can. Those kids in the youth Bible study are lame. I’m not feeling that tonight.”
I put my hand on my hip and frown. “Even Gretchen and Cicely? They’re lame, too?”
“They’re girls. Plus, they be snitching.”
Spencer walks into the room and kisses me on my neck. “What’s going on in here?” he asks. “You arguing with your mother?”
Joshua says, “No, I’m not arguing. I’m just saying that y’all can leave me at home and it’ll be okay.”
Spencer points to the couch. “Sit down, Joshua. We want to talk to you about something.”
“Now?” I ask. I knew that Spencer wanted to have a conversation with Joshua about Luke, but I was trying to put it off until the very last second. I want to give Luke plenty of time to change his mind about being in Joshua’s life.
“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it,” Joshua says. “I swear I haven’t done anything since I got into it with my teacher.”
“Don’t swear!” I say as I sit down next to Joshua.
Spencer continues to stand. “You haven’t done anything, Joshua, and you’re not in trouble.”
“Oh. What’s this about, then?”
I take my son’s hand in mine. “Well, son, your biological father wants to meet you and spend time with you.”
Joshua looks alarmed as his mouth drops open just wide enough for me to feel his breath on my face. “Why does he want to meet me?”
“Well, because he’s made some changes in his life, and he thinks that now he has something to offer you, I guess,” I say.
Joshua looks at Spencer and asks, “Are you cool with this?”
“Yes, as long as it’s okay with your mother.”
“Well, what if I’m not cool with it? Who is he, anyway? I don’t even know his name.”
I clear my throat and drop Joshua’s hand. I knew this day was coming, ever since I first decided to keep the secret of Joshua’s paternity during my pregnancy. When Joshua was little, he asked me all the tim
e what his daddy looked like and who his daddy was. The questions stopped when he was five, because that was when Spencer became a permanent fixture in both our lives.
“His name is Luke,” I say. “Luke Hastings.”
“Hastings? Like Auntie Yvonne? Are they related?”
I look to Spencer for a rescue, but he doesn’t say anything. He nods at me like I should just continue. Should I tell Joshua the truth? I don’t know if he’s old enough to understand what happened with Luke, or if he’ll ever be old enough to understand it.
“He used to be married to your auntie Yvonne. He’s her ex-husband.”
Joshua is clearly confused now. He looks from me to Spencer and then back to me again. “You hooked up with Auntie Yvonne’s husband?”
I let out a huge sigh. “It’s hard to explain. Yvonne and I weren’t friends then, but it was still a mistake. The only thing I don’t regret about it is you.”
“Ma! I can’t believe this! This is some ho type stuff you talking ’bout!”
Joshua jumps up from the couch before I have time to lay hands on him, but he’s not quick enough for Spencer. Spencer grabs him by his arm and snatches him up, suspending him in midair.
“Apologize to your mother right now, or by God, I will beat the mess out of you.”
“My mama ain’t gonna let you hit me!”
Spencer looks at me, as if for permission, and I nod. Spencer smacks Joshua three times across the backs of his legs, and Joshua falls to the floor, wailing in agony.
“You ain’t my daddy! Keep your hands off me!”
“Get up! Go wash your face, and get ready for Bible study. But first, apologize to your mother.”
“I’m sorry,” Joshua sobs.
I nod my forgiveness, because I’m still too shocked to speak. Did my son just call me a ho? Did that really just happen to me? This is worse than anything that ever happened while I carried him in my belly with no ring on my finger.
Joshua scampers out of the room just before my tears fall. “Spence . . .”
My husband sits down next to me on the couch and wraps me in his arms. “He didn’t mean it, babe. He didn’t. You just shocked him.”
Now my tears are sobs that make my entire body shake. I feel that the only thing holding me together in one piece is Spencer’s hug.
“We’ll get through this,” he says. “But I don’t think that he should meet Luke.”
“No. Let him meet him. Let him see for himself how Luke is rotten to the very core. He wants to think I’m a ho? Well, let him meet his ho daddy.”
Spencer doesn’t reply with words. He pulls me in closer and strokes my hair as I continue to cry.
Maybe everything that’s happening with Joshua—his anger, getting expelled, and everything else—is my fault. Even after repentance and after forgiveness, consequences are still coming into my life. I’m still paying for my sins with Luke.
While my husband holds me, I talk to God. Lord, I know you’ve forgiven me. I know it, but I am still reaping. Please, God, don’t let my baby reap, too.
CHAPTER 14
YVONNE
I got flowers today at work. For the first time in my life, I got a bouquet of roses delivered to me. I was excited and happy about it, until it occurred to me how pitiful it was that I’m forty-seven years old and I’m just now getting flowers from a man.
Of course, they were from Kingston. He keeps smiling at me, when he should be paying attention to Bible study. He seems so proud of himself, but I’m not sure how I should respond. I know what everyone is telling me, but I still don’t know what to do.
I always thought that if I found out Luke had moved on, I’d be free of our marriage and all the things that happened to me at Luke’s hands. But I don’t know if it’s freedom that I feel.
When Taylor told me about Luke getting married, I felt . . . jealous. Why would I feel jealous over that man? I know that I don’t still love him. What kind of fool would I be to love someone who beat me within an inch of my life and slept with church members? A big fool, and if I messed around with Luke, probably a dead fool.
Eva walks into the gymnasium, where we hold Bible study, and I see her scanning the room, probably looking for me. I wave at her, and she takes a few hesitant steps in my direction. I’m in the front row. Maybe she doesn’t want to sit up here, on display.
I quickly gather my things and walk back to where Eva is standing, and I see relief all over her face. I must’ve been right. I haven’t been a new member in a long time, so sometimes I forget what that feels like.
Eva’s two-piece jogging suit and gym shoes are a little bit on the casual side for our congregation, but she does look nice and neat with her long brown hair pulled into a ponytail. It gives me the opportunity to really look at her extremely pretty face. She’s got a tiny nose that’s sprinkled with freckles and naturally thick and perfectly arched eyebrows. Her eyelashes are long and thick, as well, and her full pink lips wouldn’t ever need lipstick if she didn’t want to wear it. I think the focal point of her face is her light brown eyes, which possess a hint of sadness. Makeup free, the girl is a stunner, and I’m sure I’m not the only one who notices.
“You didn’t have to switch seats, Sister Yvonne,” Eva whispers.
“Well, I want to sit next to you, and you didn’t seem like you wanted to sit up front.”
Eva’s face lights up with a smile. “I didn’t want to sit up there. I don’t have on the right clothes.”
“Jesus doesn’t care what you’re wearing, girl.”
We take a seat at one of the rear tables. I notice that Eva’s Bible is very old and very worn, but when Pastor Brown tells us to turn to the book of Ephesians, she has trouble finding it. Someone wore that Bible out, but it sure wasn’t Eva.
Eva seems very preoccupied during the lesson. She fidgets with her hands and absentmindedly flips pages in the Bible. I place one hand over hers and whisper a prayer to myself.
Then I say to her, “Whatever it is, it’s going to be all right.”
Maybe I should’ve waited until after Bible study to say this to her, because she bursts into violent tears. When she sees that she’s drawing attention to herself, she claps her hand over her mouth, grabs her Bible and purse, and rushes out of the gymnasium. I follow at her heels, because even though I said that it would be all right, her reaction tells me it’s worse than I thought.
Outside, Eva paces back and forth across the parking lot, in tears and shaking the hand that’s not holding her Bible.
“What’s wrong?” I ask her. “How can I help?”
“I don’t think you can help, Yvonne. No one can help me.”
I pause and breathe in deeply. She sounds desperate. “Maybe I can’t, but God can. Why don’t you tell me what’s wrong?”
“I—I don’t have the money for my rent. I don’t have anywhere to go. I’m gonna be homeless soon.”
“Is that all? I most definitely can help with that. We have a shelter here at the church. There are only a few rooms, but it will hold you until we can get you a job. I’ll talk to Pastor Brown as soon as service lets out.”
“You’d do this for me, and you don’t even know me! I could be a murderer or something.”
“And if you asked God, he’d forgive you. Why do you want me to think the worst of you?”
Eva begins to cry again. “Because nobody in this world thinks the best of me. Why should you be different?”
I encircle her in my arms as her entire body shakes with her tears. “Nobody in this world matters, Eva. God sees the best in you. He does.”
“If you knew the truth about me, you wouldn’t hold me like you’re doing right now.” Eva’s voice is tiny and sorrowful. The most pitiful thing I’ve ever heard.
“Whatever you’re keeping is between you and God.”
Pam rushes out of the gymnasium and over to me and Eva. “Is everything okay?” Pam asks.
“Yes. Sister Eva just had something she needed to get off her chest. I’ve
got this. Can you do me a favor and let Kingston know that I had to leave early? We’re supposed to have dinner, but I’m going to help Eva tonight.”
“I can help her,” Pam says. “Is that okay with you, Eva? Go on your date, Yvonne.”
I feel Eva’s body tense in my arms, and I hand her a tissue from my pocket. “He’ll understand. Let me handle this.”
Pam nods. “All right. I’ll tell him. Call me later, okay? Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.”
“Okay.”
As Pam walks back toward the gymnasium, I release Eva from my embrace. “Have you eaten? You want some dinner? I could go for some seafood.”
Eva gazes at me the way a little girl looks at her mama when she hurts herself or gets a scrape and needs comforting. Even though she’s not young enough to be my daughter, her facial expression releases something maternal in me. I want to take care of her like, it seems, no one ever has before.
CHAPTER 15
PAM
When I pull into my driveway from Bible study, I see Logan’s car parked in front of our house. My first instinct is to pull back out and find somewhere else to go, but the children are tired, and they have school in the morning. I can’t drag them around the city just because I don’t want to look at my husband’s friend.
No, that’s wrong. I do want to look at my husband’s friend, and that is the problem.
I haven’t been able to get him out of my mind since we met at Starbucks the other day. I’m afraid that if Troy sees me in the same room with him, he’ll know, that is, he’ll be able to tell how Logan’s flirting affected me.
Before I can make a mad dash for it, Troy comes out onto the porch. He’s on his cell phone, and he waves at me to come on in.
I hurry and park and rush the children inside, with my heart pounding the entire time. I go in the back door to avoid walking through Troy’s work area. This house is big enough to engulf a small army, so I should be able to get to my bedroom without having to see Logan.
Don't Tell A Soul Page 9
