by Janie Crouch
Then she had just up and changed her mind.
How stupid would he be to allow the exact same thing to happen? Yeah, they’d had sex, but she’d given him no indication that there was anything permanent between them.
Hell, even when she had promised him things were permanent between them, she hadn’t meant it. How much less so now when she wasn’t making any promises at all?
He would be best served by keeping that forefront in his mind.
He was here to exorcise her ghost. Maybe a few rolls in the hay were necessary to accomplish that mission. But his heart needed to stay way out of it.
Liam saw Vanessa coming out the office door and shut down his thoughts. He usually wasn’t one to sit around overthinking things. Liam preferred action.
Unfortunately this time he wasn’t sure what action to take.
* * *
IT HAD BEEN a pretty damn stressful day at work.
First, she’d had to wear the same clothes—again—except this time they were even worse because they’d been in salty water and even rinsing them thoroughly at the hotel hadn’t gotten them completely clean.
Not to mention Vanessa had arrived utterly exhausted this morning. Sure, a lot of that had been from the absolutely fabulous bouts of lovemaking between her and Liam. But the exhaustion had also stemmed from almost being killed and spending half the day being questioned by the police.
Her body had had enough.
Her boss, Maureen, had wanted answers as soon as Vanessa walked through the door. Why had she been taken by the police? Why was she being questioned? Did any of this have to do with any of her cases? Did she really think it was a good example if any of the families she worked with had seen her being marched down to the sheriff’s office?
Vanessa hadn’t been able to easily defend herself, since telling the truth wasn’t an option. So in the end Maureen had thought it better if Vanessa take a leave of absence until things were more settled. She would review and make a final decision about Vanessa’s continued employment at Bridgespan once all the facts were available.
Vanessa had spent the rest of the day phoning some families she worked closely with to let them know she wouldn’t be around for a while. She used the excuse of a family emergency. Seemed fitting.
She also spent a few hours going over her cases with other counselors in her office. Vanessa wasn’t sure how long this nonsense with the sheriff’s office was going to drag out and she wanted to make sure her families were taken care of in the meantime.
All her colleagues were wary of her. They didn’t say anything outright, but Vanessa could tell. After all, it wasn’t every day not one but two uniformed officers came and escorted someone out of the office. Especially not an Epperson.
And then, as the long day finally finished, she went out to the car ready to see a friendly face—Liam’s friendly face—but instead he’d been cool and reserved. Maybe he’d just been in super-agent mode again, but it still had stung. They had decided she should drive her car home and he would follow her in the new rental. She was no longer trying to stay away from her apartment now that Karine was with Andrea at a different location.
So now here they were, parked and walking up the stairs to her second-floor unit. He was only a couple feet behind her, but the chasm between them seemed huge to Vanessa.
Sadly, she didn’t know Liam well enough anymore to know what was causing the distance. Was this just how he did his job? She could understand if he didn’t want to be focused on her if he was trying to see if they were being watched or whatever.
Did he regret last night? Resent that she’d tricked him into getting into bed? She’d meant it in a lighthearted fashion, and he seemed to have taken it that way, but now she didn’t know. He’d seemed fine this morning but hadn’t touched her since she’d gotten off work.
He did finally touch her as she took the key out to open her apartment door. He touched her hand to take it from her.
“I’m going to go in and check it out first, just in case.”
She stepped back as he drew his gun out of the holster under his jacket. She knew he carried a weapon, but still wasn’t used to seeing it up close and personal. She hadn’t even thought about checking her apartment before going in.
“Stay here,” he said.
He was inside the door, weapon raised, before she could even respond. She watched from the entrance as he looked around corners and in closets. It didn’t take him long to search her apartment—the two-bedroom, one-bath place wasn’t very big—and he came back out, gun out of sight.
“Okay, all clear.” He stood to the side so she could come through the door.
Still very much not touching her.
She stepped through, closed the door behind her and walked into the kitchen.
Maybe something had happened today that she didn’t know about. His colleagues had arrived, she knew from the text he’d sent her. She now had their numbers in her phone as well as Andrea’s and Karine’s—although Karine’s was just listed in her contacts under “Kay.”
Maybe he had bad news and didn’t want to tell her. Some info about the men they’d seen with Webb. Or, God forbid, the girls.
She turned to him, reaching out to touch his arm on the biceps. She stroked softly. “Is everything okay? Anything bad happen today?”
For just a second he leaned into her touch. She slid that hand up to his shoulder and reached her other arm up to the other shoulder, too, pulling him to her, even as she stepped toward him.
She thought for a moment he would meet her in the embrace, but instead he stiffened and pulled away.
“Everything’s fine.” He took another small step back. “I just want to get those girls out, that’s all.”
Vanessa didn’t want to nag, didn’t want to pressure him into talking if he didn’t want to. But this tension around them was hard. She didn’t like it and wanted to ease it if she could. She took another step toward him.
“Are you sure that’s it? You seem...” She searched for the right word. Mad. Cold. “Distant. After last night, I just want to make sure everything is okay with us.”
She smiled and reached for him.
His icy look stopped her. “You mean being concerned about the lives of seven young girls is not enough? Maybe you need to quit assuming the world revolves around you.”
Chapter Fifteen
She tried not to show how his words hurt her. “I’m going to take a shower.”
Vanessa turned and walked out of the kitchen. Her voice didn’t shake. She didn’t cry. Her shoulders and head were high. Hell, she’d had enough years of being an Epperson to know how to look as though she was in control no matter what.
But inside she could actually feel her heart crack. Once she was around the corner, she began rubbing her chest as if that would ease a pain that wasn’t physical.
Liam still thought of her as a selfish, self-centered person. He all but hated her.
She walked into the bathroom, shut the door behind her and peeled off yesterday’s offensive clothes. The dried salt dragged across her skin like sandpaper as she removed them.
He didn’t hate her. That was melodramatic. But he sure as hell wasn’t interested in being close to her.
Liam Goetz hadn’t been a part of her life in eight years. It shouldn’t affect her at all if he wasn’t interested in being a part of her life now.
But it did. She felt the tears she couldn’t fight anymore well up in her eyes as she opened the door and stepped into the shower. His words had sliced at her.
Especially after the past twenty-four hours. She didn’t think their lovemaking had erased all the pain from their past—nothing could do that—but she hadn’t thought it was just physical. It had been hot and passionate and something more.
At least it had been
for her.
Evidently it had just been an opportunity too good to pass up for him. Just sex. Whatever anger he’d had for her eight years ago he obviously still had now.
As if he had the right to be angry. He hadn’t lost everything.
She tried to hold on to that thought, to hold on to the anger and let it push out the pain, but she couldn’t. The look in Liam’s eyes in the kitchen was inescapable in her mind. More tears fell at the thought of it. He regretted last night. Maybe not the physical act itself, but he regretted their intimacy. And he still thought her selfish and self-centered.
Some things never changed.
She was startled to see the door to the shower stall open. Liam stood there, fully dressed. He reached over and shut off the water.
“I’m an idiot. I’m sorry,” he said.
Vanessa stood there, dripping. He didn’t look anywhere but at her face. In her eyes. She thought she could see actual anguish in his.
It was hard to look at him. “You said what you felt. You weren’t very gentle about it, but you shouldn’t apologize for saying what you think is the truth.”
“But that’s it. It’s not what I think is the truth.”
He took a towel hanging on the rack next to him. She expected him to hand it to her, but instead he wrapped it over her head and began to gently dry her hair.
“You’ve always thought I was spoiled, Liam. Self-entitled.”
His fingers gripped the wet ends of her hair with the towel. “You were young. Your family had gobs of money. You usually got what you wanted. But even then you weren’t spoiled. Weren’t ever mean.”
He left that towel on her head and grabbed another one and began drying her body, starting with her neck and shoulders. Vanessa wasn’t sure what to do so she just stood there.
“And you definitely aren’t spoiled now. You are the opposite of self-centered.”
“But in the kitchen—”
“In the kitchen I was a moron.” She closed her eyes as he dried his way down her torso slowly and firmly. “I let frustration from the case, frustration from our past, bubble up into where we are now. I’m sorry.”
“About last night—”
He crouched and began to dry her feet, slowly working his way up her legs. “Last night and this morning were incredible. I was just having a little difficulty separating the past from the present.”
She gasped softly as he dried all the way up her thighs.
You need to tell him everything.
She pushed the thought away as he stood and wrapped the towel around her waist, drying her back and buttocks. He grabbed the towel on both sides and wrapped the edges around his fists to drag her closer. He put his head down so his forehead touched hers.
“I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.” He echoed the same words he’d started the conversation with. “Come to bed with me and let me make it up to you.”
She tilted up her face to tell him his apology wasn’t necessary, but he captured her lips in a kiss as he pulled her hips closer with the towel. The heat was there instantly, as always. As his tongue met hers, she forgot to breathe. Forgot everything but this feeling that had always existed between them. Eight years hadn’t erased it.
He reached down and scooped her up, towels and all. He carried her to the bedroom and lay her down gently, reverently.
And proceeded to more than make up for it.
* * *
AFTERWARD THEY BOTH fell into an exhausted sleep. Their bodies didn’t give them any other option. The pink light of dawn was creeping through her bedroom window when Vanessa finally peeled her eyes open.
Liam was lying on his side against her, face pressed to her neck, his arm and leg draped over her. She couldn’t escape now if she wanted to.
She didn’t want to.
She had never wanted to.
She needed to tell him the truth about eight years ago. It wouldn’t change anything—nothing could change what had happened—but he deserved to know.
She felt him begin to stir. If she didn’t tell him now, she’d never do it.
“I never chose my family, or my wealthy lifestyle, or whatever you want to call it, over you.” Her voice was soft, husky with sleep, but she knew he heard her. As close as they were, she could feel the tension creep into his body.
“I don’t understand. I came to your house. I heard you tell your family you didn’t want to see anyone.”
At least he was still lying against her. She just needed to get it out. “You asked me to marry you on September twelfth.”
“I remember.” His voice was strained.
“Do you? Do you really remember that day?” she asked.
They’d been on the beach walking. He’d gotten out of the army a few months prior and had started a job at the Drug Enforcement Agency—brought in as an agent because of his experience in Special Forces. He hadn’t been exactly sure where they would be sending him, but he knew it would be Philadelphia, Chicago or Salt Lake City.
Wherever it was, he’d wanted Vanessa to come with him.
They’d been apart too much for the four years he was in the army, only seeing each other when he could make it home on leave. And even then they’d had to sneak around if they’d wanted any intimate time with each other. Vanessa had just barely turned twenty and still lived at home.
He’d asked her to marry him—to go to Vegas or a justice of the peace—so it could be done quickly. Both of them knew her parents would never give their blessing. So Vanessa and Liam wouldn’t ask for their blessing. They would just do it.
He would come back for her a month later. She had agreed to be ready and to meet him there at the beach with whatever she needed to bring.
The relief Vanessa had felt that he’d asked her to marry him was high. She’d had news of her own to tell him but hadn’t known how to say it. His proposal had taken off a lot of the pressure.
“Do you remember my reaction when you asked me to marry you?” she said.
More tension. “Joy, I thought,” he said. “I thought you were as excited about it as I was.”
“Anything else?”
He stayed against her for a long minute. “I don’t know.” He finally shrugged. “You seemed a little distracted or something, but I thought it had to do with all the planning and maybe fear about your parents. I definitely remember the fact that you wouldn’t let me make love to you on the beach.”
Vanessa closed her eyes and nodded. This was it. “Because I was young, and didn’t know anything. And I was afraid having sex might hurt the baby,” she whispered.
She knew the exact second her words sank in. He jerked away from her and was sitting up in less than a second flat.
“What?”
“That’s why I was distracted that day. I had just found out I was pregnant the day before.”
Myriad emotions crossed his face. “You were pregnant?”
“From when you had been home on leave six weeks before.”
He still stared at her, mouth agape.
“I wasn’t sure how to tell you,” she continued. “I knew the job with the DEA was a big thing, and I wasn’t sure exactly what our plans would be...if a baby would even fit into the plans.”
She rushed on before he could say anything. “But then you asked me to marry you. You had to leave that night and things were crazy. I thought I would just tell you once you came back for me. We would figure it out together.”
He blinked rapidly. “I don’t understand.”
Vanessa closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had to get through this without breaking down.
“I went to a doctor to make sure everything was okay and someone at the office tipped off my parents.” She opened her eyes. “They found out about the baby two days before you were supposed to come ba
ck. I told them I was leaving with you. That we were getting married.”
Vanessa could feel the tears welling, but she forced them back. If she let herself start crying now, she’d never get through this. “My parents and I fought. I walked a few steps down our big staircase and then turned to yell some smart-aleck remark back up at them.”
“Nessa—”
“I tripped. I fell all the way down.”
Vanessa couldn’t remember much about the fall. She remembered a sharp pain in her midsection before everything went black.
She looked over at Liam, who was staring at her as if he could barely comprehend what she was saying. She knew this was a lot to take in.
“They took me to the hospital. I lost the baby.” Her throat closed up and the words came out as barely more than a squeak.
“Oh, my God, Nessa.” Liam ran a hand over his face. “Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you call right away?”
“I was sedated at the hospital when they did an emergency D & C to keep anything from rupturing.”
“Of course. I understand that. I would’ve understood it then, too. I would’ve been there.”
“I came home the next day, but I was so out of it, Liam. I didn’t know what day it was. I was distraught. My parents’ doctor continued to keep me on drugs.”
She saw realization dawn on his face. “When you didn’t meet me at the beach like you were supposed to, I came to your parents’ house. You were still under sedation when I got there.”
“Yes. But, in their defense, I was hysterical. I wasn’t handling anything well. Sobbing uncontrollably for hours.”
Liam closed his eyes. Every nuance of his expression bespoke pain.
“When your father said you weren’t going anywhere, that you’d changed your mind about everything, I didn’t believe him. But when I heard you say you didn’t want to see me, I thought he must have been telling the truth. You said you didn’t want to see me—to make me leave.”
