“As well as can be expected, I guess,” she returned with a squeeze, her feminine perfume reassuring somehow.
“C’mon,” Jennifer said and motioned for her to follow. “I know of a quiet waiting area where we can talk.”
Perfect. Exactly the remedy she needed. “Right behind you.”
Jennifer led them to small carpeted room off the main hallway. “We can go in here.”
Sam walked in behind her and noted one man seated across the room beneath the soundless television and another hunkered down in a book by the coffee machine. It wasn’t exactly private but what did she expect? Hospitals were public places filled with the sick and the sad.
“Would you like some coffee?” Jennifer asked?
“No,” Sam said and dropped into a chair along the nearest wall.
Jennifer joined her and immediately took her hand between her own. “I’m sorry, Sam.”
Damn if she didn’t dive right in. “Me too,” she said.
“Dr. Anderson said the procedure went well.”
The procedure. The surgery. The removal of the fetus. Images from a faraway computer screen flashed through Sam’s mind. So tiny, so intricate, expunged in a toilet. But why? Sam searched for reason. Because it wasn’t viable? Abnormal?
Regret coursed through her. “Jess was going to keep the baby.”
“What?” Jennifer pulled back, her expression stunned.
“It’s my fault she lost it.” The knife plunged. “I made her tell Luke. She didn’t want to and the stress was too much for her. It’s why she lost the baby.”
“That’s not true,” Jennifer said, her tone defiant.
“It is.” Sam faced her fully and tears burned in her eyes. “It has to be. Dr. Anderson said she was healthy. There was no reason for her to miscarry, other than stress.” Guilt seeped into her heart. “Stress caused by me.”
“No, Sam,” Jen repeated, adamant and matter-of-fact. “There could be any number of reasons why she miscarried. Taking this upon yourself will not help anything and I don’t want to hear another word about it.”
“I made a mess of things,” Sam muttered. “I made her tell Luke and now it doesn’t matter.” She thrust her teary gaze to the far wall, the muted television as it broadcast twenty-four hour news.
“Yes it does.”
“His girlfriend was unfaithful and then lost the baby,” Sam said, as though saying it aloud would prove she was responsible. “I shouldn’t have made her do it. It was too rash and now I’ve ruined things for her.”
“No,” Jennifer said in immediate defense, caressing Sam’s hand in her soothing way. “You did what you thought was right. You taught her to be truthful and forth-coming.”
Sam dropped her head back against the wall. Her neck ached, her head hurt, her heart felt heavy and dead.
“Your guidance is helping her to become a woman, an honest and courageous and powerful woman. Like you,” Jennifer said with a squeeze to her palm.
Fresh hot tears filled Sam’s eyes.
“Her actions are her own, Sam, and she will make them right.”
“Maybe Vic was right.” She blinked, and shot her gaze to the ceiling. If she had been a better sister to Jessica, set a better example, would this ever have happened? Given the chance, Vic would have watched over Anna like a hawk. He would have seen to it she walked the straight and narrow, played by the rules, and kept out of trouble.
Unlike her. A tear rolled out from the corner of her eye. He would have insisted she keep the baby and place it up for adoption.
“Sam.” Jennifer grasped her hands in a demand to be heard, the move enough to pull her head forward, to attention. “You live your life as you see fit. You’re honest and upfront about who you are and no one can ask for more.”
“But you don’t approve.”
Jen stilled and like a moment in time, it hung between the two. “It doesn’t matter what I think,” she said quietly.
Sam winced.
“But I know I can’t change who you are. I can only accept you.” She squeezed their tangle of hands. “And love you.”
It felt like the final nail in the coffin.
“Does it matter what I think?” Jennifer challenged.
Sam opened her mouth to respond, but slowly closed it.
Did it? Should it?
“If I said yes, I don’t approve—are you going to do anything different? Advise your sister to make different choices? Conduct your own life in a different fashion?”
She couldn’t answer that one. Probably not, but who knows? At this point, it felt like her whole world had shifted regardless.
“Are you going to change the fabric of your nature?” Jennifer asked, then slowly shook her head, her straight glossy black strands catching the light as they moved. “I don’t think so. And I wouldn’t want you to.” She took in a deep breath and slowly released it, embracing Sam with a gaze of pure love. She relaxed her grip on their hands. “Yes, life is about choice. It’s about what works for you, and what works for me.” She paused. “And what works for Jess.”
Sam stared, ears latched on to Jen’s every word.
“You never taught Jessica to lie. You never taught her to cheat. She made those mistakes on her own.” Jennifer locked in and said, “And she will rectify them—on her own. This pregnancy isn’t about you, it’s about her.”
It didn’t feel that way.
“You’re doing everything you can for Jessica by supporting her. No one can ask for more than that.”
“Except for Vic. He thinks I should have told her to keep it.”
“You can’t change the past. You can only move forward.”
“Vic...” Sam mumbled, the lump in her throat forming into a hard painful rock. She avoided the sideways glance of an older man as he walked by them on his way out into the corridor. No time to dress or fuss, Sam was sure she was a sight to behold in her bright red T-shirt and jeans. Turning back to Jennifer, she said, “He disapproves of my advice. I saw it in his eyes.”
“So what if he does?”
True…
“Remember, men are different when it comes to issues of the heart, issues of...sex.”
Rarely used, the word sounded alien coming from Jen’s lips.
“I know you don’t think it should be this way, but it is. They have more trouble dealing with a woman’s sexuality than we do theirs. They’re not used to the idea of a woman living by their rules, enjoying her sexual freedom as they do, or the consequences of said behavior.”
“Well they should be.” Old resentments stirred. “We’re not living in the dark ages, Jen and we’re having sex by ourselves.”
“I understand.” She glanced around for onlookers who could possibly overhear and lowered her voice, “But it sounds to me like he comes from a traditional background. I know it’s a strange concept in this day and age, but I think there’s a part of the male psyche that yearns for a virgin.”
“What?”
“Yes. They yearn for innocence, purity. You know, the essence of femininity. Like your ying and yang.”
“It’s yin.”
Jennifer smiled, a rush of welcome warmth flooding between them. “Yin, yes, I’m sorry. But you, better than anyone should understand what I’m talking about. Virginity speaks to a man’s instinctual need to protect and defend. To be the man. Try and see it from his perspective. He may not be used to a woman like you.” A brief laugh escaped her. “For heaven’s sake, Sam, you’re not like any other woman I know!” Jen gave a pat to her hand. “You’re one-of-a-kind, one hundred percent you,” she said, the admiration in her voice unmistakable.
No, Sam corrected. She was a one-of-a-kind, purebred stallion alternating with a two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. The memory tugged at her heart and pulled forth an unexpected brush of tears.
“You don’t need any man’s protection or defense and that’s tough stuff for a man to digest.” Jen drew a shade of calm. “Give Vic a chance to get used to the idea of a woman with lovers, a woman
with choices…power. He’ll come around. Your relationship is deepening, adding dimension. It’s bound to hit rough patches. Use this experience as a steppingstone. Learn from it and move on. Accept there may be a grain of truth to what Vic says, and move forward together.”
“I won’t be ashamed of myself, Jen.” The vow burst straight from Sam’s gut. “I won’t. I haven’t done any-thing wrong.”
Jen managed a small smile. “No one said you did. But every opinion has validity. It may not be one you wish to assume, but it has validity in its own right. Give him the right to his opinion, Sam. Acknowledge Jessica’s behavior was not what you respect and admit she could have handled herself better.”
She’d already done so.
“Modesty does have its advantages.” Translation: Jessica wouldn’t have ended up pregnant had she not been sleeping around.
“It’s not some outdated notion that should be delegated to the history books. It’s a viable and respectable way to conduct one’s life.” Jen raised her brow. “Even in this age of sexual liberation.”
Sam whipped her with a gaze.
“And Vic loves you. You just need to let him.”
Chapter Thirty
Filled with relief to finally have Jess home and clear of the hospital, Sam took the day off and spent it with her sister. Dr. Anderson advised bed rest for the first twenty-four hours and prescribed pain medication, if needed. Not because Jessica was experiencing problems, but out of an abundance of caution. He said she should be back to normal in a day or so, but the bleeding may continue for a week, maybe more.
But it was the nurse’s warning that Sam watch for signs of depression that concerned her most. She told Sam that Jess might experience bouts of grief, mood swings and while it wasn’t out of the ordinary it should be addressed immediately. In the event she needed the name of a counselor, Dr. Anderson could provide her with one but basically Sam should just be there for her sister.
And that Sam could do. Curled up on the sofa with Jess, the younger tucked within her warm embrace, dusk became a slate of firebrand orange and blue gradually calming the South Florida skies to deep purple. Watching the transformation from day to night had always held particular fascination for Sam. It was nature in motion, the time of day when the magic of the Universe was most visible, most electric. Except of course for the slow rise of the full moon, capable of lighting the sky in silver and gold. Sometimes romantic, sometimes soulful, always mystical and beautiful.
Sam brushed a wisp of bangs from her sister’s eyes. She peered at her profile, soft and delicate, vulnerable. More than anything, it was the vulnerability that cut into her the sharpest.
“Luke wouldn’t take my call,” Jess murmured.
“He will.” Sam ran a hand over Jess’ silken brown hair. “Eventually he will.”
“What if he doesn’t?”
Sam cupped the side of her head and pulled her close. “He will. Give him time. Don’t rush things. He’ll come to the right conclusion himself.” She still hated herself for making Jess call him. She couldn’t help but believe it was the stress from doing so that caused the miscarriage.
Jess turned and looked straight into Sam’s eyes. “What if he doesn’t?”
A million thoughts collided in her brain. She still couldn’t fathom the concept of Jessica keeping the baby, of Luke and her becoming parents. And if she was having a hard time imagining it then Luke must be having a rough time, too. Add the knowledge that his girlfriend cheated and it was no wonder the kid needed time. A lot of time. Sam launched into reassurance mode and squeezed her sister close. “Trust me. He’ll come around.”
“He’ll never forgive me.”
“It wasn’t your fault.” It was more mine than anyone’s, Sam mused, though voicing as much wouldn’t solve anything. It was simply a burden she must bear.
Jessica shrugged. “Wasn’t it?”
“It happens, Jess. Miscarriage is a mystery. Doctors can’t even tell you why it happens.”
“So what. Doesn’t matter anyway.”
Sam could almost hear the next words...
“Nothing matters anymore.”
Which she disagreed. Luke had been willing to make a legal commitment and take care of his responsibilities. Any guy ready to stand up and do right by his girlfriend’s pregnancy would be ready to stand up and do right by her mistakes. And forgive. Sam was sure of it.
Vic’s image floated into her mind. Vic... He’d called and left messages but she returned none of them. This was her business, not his. His opinion allowed no room for shades of gray, no room for error. Piercing morals and lofty expectations had denounced the pregnancy from the start. It had demanded she place the baby up for adoption and forget any thought of abortion.
The trouble with his position was that it didn’t take into account the indiscretions of youth. Jess probably thought she wasn’t hurting anyone by engaging in a meaningless fling. She probably thought she was just having a good time. Who are you to talk to me about behavior? You sleep with any guy with two legs! Sam recalled the insults hurled with heat and anger. But misperceptions about her choices had given Jess only half the picture—the part that seemed wild and carefree. The part that seemed detached and unfeeling.
The part that seemed reckless, Sam realized. To Jess, it probably did appear as though Sam juggled lovers like a pro, bouncing between them, heedless to their feelings or wants, because the kid wasn’t privy to the intimate dynamics at play. She didn’t know Sam was open and honest with every one, stating her non-committal position upfront.
“I should have told him before,” Jess muttered in a tone of self-disgust. “I should have been straight with Luke, right from the start.”
Yes, Sam thought, but that was irrelevant at this point.
Jessica swung her head low. “None of it matters anymore.”
The nurse’s warning cut into her mind. Watch for signs of depression.
Was that what this was? She looked at the side of her head, the pout on her face that was seemingly becoming permanent. Was she clinically depressed or just feeling blue? “Jess, listen to me.” She turned her sister’s body within her arms so she could face her squarely. She needed the girl to hear her. Really hear her and get the words to sink in. “Whether Luke forgives you or not is irrelevant. What matters now is you—you and only you. And you need to understand that people make mistakes. You do, I do, we all do. But we have to learn from them, not use them as a noose to hang ourselves. Having a one night stand isn’t a crime. It may be a lapse in judgment, it may be heat of the moment sex but it’s not a crime of unforgivable sin. It’s an act. You take responsibility for it and you move on. You’ve taken your responsibility but now you’ve got to move on.”
A hard line of sadness underscored the brown of her eyes. “And do what?”
“You go back to school. You live your life. If you and Luke are meant to be together then you will find your way back to one another. If not, it was never meant to be in the first place.”
Jessica dropped her gaze. “Easy for you to say. You have Vic and he’s madly in love with you.”
Vic. Suddenly Sam wasn’t so sure about the state of their relationship. For if one thing had become crystal clear during this pregnancy scare it was a distinct divergence of perspective between the two of them. Vic and Sam came from two very different worlds of thought, his black and white while hers ran the spectrum of the rainbow. Vic wanted children. He said as much himself. Vic wanted traditional. She could hear it behind his words. Vic wanted marriage and family—everything she didn’t want.
“You’ll find love, Jess.” She rubbed her hand up and down the younger’s slender arm. “And when you do, it will stand strong by your side. It will carry you through good times and bad and it will nourish and replenish you every day of your life.”
Unlike Vic. Once the passionate beginnings sim-mered into steady and steadfast, he’d quickly realize how wrong they were for one another. A dull ache settled into her heart. And the
y would ultimately say goodbye.
# # #
Arriving at the suite of offices for Baker, Schofield Sam slid her keycard into the slot above the handle and pulled it free, quickly opening the door while she juggled a steaming cup of coffee in her other hand. Flicking on the lights, she pressed the appropriate numbers on the illuminated pad to deactivate the alarm. Accustomed to arriving early, today she was actually first.
Beat the hell out of sleeping.
Allowing the heavy metal door to close behind her, a wave of exhaustion swept over her. Sleep, hell. Tossing and turning and worrying about Jess didn’t constitute sleep. Far from it. But unable to reel in her mind, she decided to give in and make the best use of the neurons that were willing to fire—despite her instinct to stay with Jess.
Entering the offices through the employee lounge, she turned on lights as necessary. The secretary could handle the remainder when she arrived. Nothing but the essentials this morning. Reassured by a phone call to Jen, o-dark thirty notwithstanding, Sam felt a trip to the office was warranted. At least for a half-day considering she’d been gone for two. Vic and Diego were busy at work on their expert testimony, but this was her case and she needed to be involved, firsthand.
As she passed Maria’s desk, she slowed. Neat and meticulously organized, a pinprick of sadness poked her in the heart. She hadn’t told her about the miscarriage, yet. She’d taken her time off as personal days, without revealing the reason. But now she would have to. She considered Maria a friend and let her in on Jessica’s pregnancy. It was only fair she disclose the miscarriage, too.
Sam could almost hear Maria’s cry of disbelief, of shock, followed by a sharp sadness. All the things she herself had felt. A small lump formed in her throat. And Jess, poor thing. She was the one going through it, holding up reasonably well. She cringed. Sam never imagined she would have wanted to keep the child! What she must be feeling, every day, every minute. This loss would plague her every day for the rest of her life. Vic’s mother had learned this from experience.
Sam snapped the lens closed. She couldn’t do this. She was here to work, not lose herself in the tides of emotion, no matter how powerful the draw. She could do that later, at home, in privacy.
Lust on the Rocks Page 26
