Well. Okay then.
“It was nice to meet you all,” she said to the room, voice uneven, striving to appear normal when she felt like she was breaking in half.
“I’ll have someone drive you to your car,” Walker said. “Rowan, will you take her? I need to speak with Micah.”
“Yes, sir,” he said and held an arm out showing that he would follow her out the door. She walked to it, the silence in the room thick and strained behind her.
No one was smiling now.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
AS SOON AS JADE WALKED out of the base, Micah knew he’d made another mistake. Her last look at him as she walked away had speared him. He’d hurt her. Yet despite wanting to say something to stop her, despite wanting to go after her, he could do nothing, say nothing. Only stand there and mentally flog himself for his numerous failures.
Walker motioned to him to follow him to his office and he did with heavy feet.
His commander leaned against his desk, arms crossed. “The mountain. I’ve heard what Jade said happened, now I need to hear it from you.” Walker’s gaze was unblinking, his expression blank.
A report didn’t require feelings, only facts. He could do that, right? Swallowing hard past the knot in his throat, Micah started his report. “At 0900 the Earth Erratic had a power leak due to a high emotional state, which damaged the integrity of the mountainside. Whether it was caused by, or an invitation to, the Chaolt is unclear. Minutes later, about seventy-five of them, having broken through the stone barrier I erected blocking the portal, approached our position. While I was fighting them, one boy—”
The young man he’d sent back. The boy he’d failed, after all. He cleared his throat and began again.
“One Chaolt was able to reach Jade, to finish the process of destruction. I pulled her away at the last second, but not before her release of power started the landslide.”
After that, his memories were a jumble of fear and faith. Whispers from the Earth. Jade’s face as he sent her away. And his chest hurting as he realized it would be goodbye.
“The landslide was going to hit the town,” Walker prompted.
Micah nodded, the memory of those moments stealing even his ability to speak of facts for a moment. When he could speak again, he continued. “I remembered Levi and Ajax being able to access their powers when it was crucial. I tried it and was able to use my power to slow the landslide. At least until it started to run out.”
“And you turned it,” Walker finished. “The landslide. You saved the town, sacrificing yourself. You came out unscathed, though we definitely need to talk about how you did that. That was very noble and no less than what I’d expect of a Warrior—”
“No.” The word erupted from Micah’s chest. “None of it wouldn’t have even been necessary if it weren’t for me. I thought draining her slow was the answer this time. I thought draining her quickly would leave her too confused, too vulnerable, and she’d kill herself trying to mine. Instead, I dangled her like a carrot in front of the Chaolt and almost cost her her life. Almost cost the lives of everyone here. That is not the act of a Warrior.”
Walker’s eyebrows raised at his outburst. “What do you mean, this time?”
He stayed silent.
“Micah,” Walker started again, “You’ve made very few mistakes, if any, since joining my team. You saved everyone in Topaz Ridge. You saved the Erratic. And you did it all while taking out a great number of Chaolt and their portal as well. I would count that as an unequivocal victory for the side of Harmony.”
He still shook his head. “If I’d drained her from the beginning, perhaps held her until the effects wore off, none of this would have happened.”
Walker leaned back in his seat and crossed his arms. “And perhaps she would have called the authorities down on your head and made it impossible to guard the portal. It also could have put more humans in proximity of it, of the Chaolt, of danger. Who’s to say they wouldn’t have found another Erratic in the mix to cause a landslide? An earthquake? Or some other disaster?”
He could see what Walker was doing, but still, the possibility of those events happening seemed small in retrospect. More likely, he would have drained Jade and she would have gone her way and he would have gone his. She would have mined her claim while he guarded the portal.
“We’re supposed to drain Erratics of their powers. We’re supposed to protect humans and Erratics from all things, but especially Chaos. And we’re supposed to do all of this unnoticed while balancing the effects of draining, the risks. Occasionally, that requires difficult decisions, difficult choices. And sometimes we succeed in some areas while failing in others. It’s the very nature of Chaos that some things don’t work out the way we planned. It’s the nature of our mission. And it is hard sometimes. You can be forgiven for making mistakes.”
Micah clenched his eyes shut, the old pain erupting through the new. What Walker said...
“I wish I’d heard that years ago,” Micah said, voice gruff, “when it might have made a difference.”
“Then I wish you had, too.” Walker’s expression was serious, sincere. He took a deep breath. “Do you have anything else to report? Anything I need to know?”
He shook his head, jaw clenched. His commander didn’t need to know he’d fallen in love with Jade. He’d let her go, it didn’t matter anymore.
“Do you want to talk about how you survived the landslide?”
Micah shook his head again. He was done talking. There was no way to talk about Tokoni right now, when he was already fractured into a thousand pieces of regret.
“Then you’re excused for now.”
He nodded and rose, fleeing Walker’s office to go back to his own suite.
He laid in bed staring at the ceiling, seeing other things. Memories. All of them, all of his failures and losses, one after another. Beginning, and ending, with Jade’s face.
Normally, he would sing until he could push the pain back down again, but his throat, his chest, were too tight to even take a full breath.
He didn’t even know if he could sing anymore. He had no desire to.
Jade had almost died due to his mistakes, and now she was gone, and there wasn’t enough singing in the world to make him feel centered again.
OTHER THAN SOME CURT directions for Rowan, they drove in silence back to the mountain. The landslide was visible from miles away, a pale scar down the side. All the dust had settled, and for all anyone knew, it could be years old. But she had to clench her hands together to keep them from shaking until the trees blocked her view, because she could still hear the fall of stone, still feel it, deep inside. Even now, she could taste the dust and had small particles of rock in her hair.
When they pulled into the campsite, she got out and stood there with her hand on the door, thoughts detached and disjointed.
It looked mostly the same. Her camper where she’d spent most of her time, and Micah’s tent, where she’d spent some wonderful nights. Last night, even, but it seemed like years ago now. All her memories were clouded by the events of today and the revelations she’d learned. Nothing had been what it seemed, and her heart was as cold as the ashes in the fire-pit.
Rowan helped her pack up her stuff and hitch up her trailer. If they talked at all, it must have been small talk, because she remembered none of it. She was operating on instinct, all her thoughts and emotions shut down to delay the inevitable emotional breakdown.
The sun had set and cast everything in deep shadow by the time she was ready to leave.
Engine running, she took a last look around at the ruin of her life. Her mining claim was gone, the gems gone. She’d lost some expensive mining gear she’d need to replace. She wouldn’t have enough money this year to get her mom better care, and would have to hope she’d last until she could save up the money.
And she’d fallen in love with a man from another world, who’d used her feelings for him to complete his mission.
A whisper in her min
d told her she was wrong, that it couldn’t be true, but Micah hadn’t denied it, had he? Hadn’t said anything, or come after her.
Her heart was a casualty of a war she hadn’t even known about this morning. Collateral damage. A means to an end. She’d been done wrong, but for all the right reasons.
She turned to Rowan, who stood quietly by his vehicle, hands in his pockets. “Thank you for your help. With the trailer, and my stuff.” She looked down, a crack starting in the shield around her emotions. “And for helping Micah.”
“My pleasure,” he said with a short nod, his words slightly accented. “I’ll follow you out.”
Jade nodded back and climbed into her truck. She circled the campsite and drove out on the narrow dirt road through the trees. She could no longer see the bleak mountain in the darkness, but she felt it, hiding, shattered and broken, in the night.
When she got to the main road, she turned and saw Rowan’s taillights head the other direction.
It was over, done. She was leaving everything important to her behind, buried on the mountain. Her memories, her money. Her hope.
Her heart.
The crack in her shield expanded, splintered and multiplied until she had to pull over, gasping around the sobs. She pressed her forehead against the wheel, hands clinging to it as if the truck would crumble around her the way everything else had.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
MICAH FELL ASLEEP, his body and emotions depleted. And in that sleep, he remembered. He remembered his visit with Tokoni, his village. Recalled towering over Jade’s diminutive human form, trying not to accidentally hurt her as he approached her. She touched him, spoke to him.
I love you.
His eyes flew open, and he sat up, instantly awake. It hadn’t been a dream, but missing pieces of his memory after the landslide, before he returned to his human form.
Elation mingled with heartbreak as he remembered her words.
Jade loved him, but had left base believing everything between them was for his duty. How could he let that happen?
He slammed a fist down on the bed. With a crack, the mattress lurched under him, the leg of the bed broken.
He could face down an army of Chaolt, an entire mountain for her, but when it came to a room full of people staring at him, waiting to see what he'd say? He'd wanted to disappear. Be invisible. Could he not fight his own fears and weakness?
He searched inside to find the reason he’d let her leave.
There was a deep fear about the future, about what could happen with them. All the ways Chaos or the differences between them could ruin things. What if he was reassigned? What if the Premiers called him back to Elementium? What if the Chaolt came after her again? What if the Premiers found out about her, and Brooke, and Emory, and sent them all away?
What if something horrible and completely commonplace for a human happened to her? What if, in a few years, she inherited her mother’s illness and forgot who he was?
The fears were overwhelming, pressing down on him. The threat of loss seemed around every corner, ready to take that which was most precious to him. It was a peculiar feeling. To love someone so much that he wanted to run away, so he’d never have to experience that pain again. It was easier to stay silent, and not risk future pain, than to open himself to it. It made him want to withdraw, to hide, to not care so damn much.
But that was not the answer, not anymore. He could no longer push the people he cared about away, he could not push Jade away. He couldn’t let his silence continue to hurt them both.
But he needed help.
His stomach swam with nerves at the thought, but it would be practice for when he went after Jade. But who would he talk to? Micah left his room, searching the empty hallway.
When he got to Walker’s door, he turned away at the last second, seeking someone else. Walker was the easiest of the Warriors for him to talk to, but Walker didn’t have anyone to worry about like this. Only Levi or Ajax could truly understand this fear.
The painting above Walker’s desk entered his mind, and he almost turned back, but just then Ajax exited his suite beside Emory, Jackson in his arms.
They walked toward him and Micah stood there, unsure. To ask for help, to share his problems was foreign to him. Maybe Ajax would try to provoke him instead of helping. Maybe he should seek out Levi instead.
But the little family had stopped in front of him and were staring at him quizzically. He could summon no other reason to be standing in the hallway between Walker’s office and the suites.
“Ajax, could we speak?”
Ajax and Emory shared a quick look. “Sure, what’s up?”
“Privately,” Micah mumbled and turned his head away.
Emory turned to Ajax. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen when you’re done. I’ve got to get back to Brooke soon,” she said, taking Jackson from his father. Then the two of them shared a kiss that probably ought to have been behind the walls of their suite.
Micah crossed his arms and looked to the side.
They pulled away, Emory’s cheeks pink with a sweet blush. “See you later, Micah,” she said with a sympathetic look as she moved past him to the elevator, a quick touch to his arm.
The two Warriors stood in silence, arms crossed, as they watched her go.
“I don’t know how I got so lucky.”
“Neither do I,” Micah said before he could think twice about it.
The look Ajax turned his way was glacial and sharp.
He opened his mouth to apologize, but the words seemed to be stuck. Always stuck. Then Ajax threw his head back and laughed, slapping his back. Micah exhaled in relief.
“Good one. So what’s up? What did you want to talk to me about?”
Micah sighed and then walked to the windows across from Walker’s office. He leaned his palms on the windowsill as Ajax came up beside him. How did he start this conversation? How did he ask the things he needed to ask? Maybe he couldn’t even help.
“Dude, I don’t have all day.”
He grunted.
Sarcasm thick in his voice, Ajax said, “Wow, I’ve never heard you open up like that before.”
He used one hand to rub his forehead, trying to massage away the tension there. Trying to buy a second more to think of the right words, to fight down the nerves and discomfort.
“Micah. Spit it out.”
He closed his eyes.
“Okay, man, when you’re really ready to talk, come find me—”
“I’m scared.” Micah opened his eyes and looked out over the forested foothills, picturing a world without Jade in it. He could never go back to that.
“Scared of what?” Ajax asked, shock in his voice.
Micah glanced at him. “For. Not of.”
Understanding dawned on the other Warrior’s face as he nodded. “Jade.”
“Yes,” he said, turning back to the view. Ajax had Emory and Jackson. He must be fearful, too. “How do you deal with it?”
Ajax’s silence was long enough, heavy enough, that he finally turned to look at him. He too was staring out the window.
“You just do,” Ajax eventually said, turning to him. “You manage the things you can control and... you try to accept the things you can’t.” The grinding of his teeth filled the momentary silence between them. “The fear will always be there because you’re in love. Because someone else has taken up residence in your heart, in your soul. So you shove it to the back of your mind when you can. And when you can’t... you hold them.”
“I worry about losing everyone,” he said with a side glance, “Even you.”
Again, Ajax threw his head back and laughed. “Aww, do you need to hold me, Big Guy?” He held his arms wide open, eyes glowing with mirth.
Micah shook his head and side-stepped away. Ajax was family, and he wouldn’t shut him out anymore, but they were a long way off from hugging.
Ajax lowered his arms and swiped at his eyes, still laughing. But then he quickly sobered, and once again the
y were staring out the window together in silence for a moment. “I almost lost my family from giving in to the fear. I didn’t want to get taken away from them, so I didn’t tell anyone of their existence. And when the enemy came for them, it was because I’d been too afraid to ask for help.” He clenched both fists. “But it’s bullshit. That fear is just one way Chaos tries to ruin us.” His irises began to glow the color of turquoise and his hair rippled in a nonexistent wind. “I will not surrender the precious time I have with them now to worry. I will not. Or Chaos might as well have won.” He stretched out his fingers, flexed them, the wind and the glow in his eyes gradually subsiding. “You have to choose love over fear. And you are only halfway there, brother.” Ajax’s look was pointed. “You need to go after her.”
Micah nodded. Ajax's words echoed his own thoughts. He loved Jade, but he wasn't done fighting for her. There was still more for him to do.
But the dread was still there, under it all. “I’m not strong enough to lose her,” he said, voice cracking.
Ajax turned to him again. “But it’s not about being strong enough to lose them. None of us are. It’s about being strong enough to love them, despite the risks.” He looked away and waved a hand. “And it takes too much energy to worry about it all the time, anyway. Their best chance is still, and always, to fight this war and protect them, and the world, from Chaos. So when it’s my shift, I focus on my mission with all my might. And when it’s not my shift, I love them with all my might. That’s the only way I know of coping.”
Micah nodded, considering. Who knew Ajax would be such a voice of wisdom?
“Thank you,” he said, pushing out the words. “I’m glad I talked to you.”
The other man snorted. “You mean you’re glad you listened to me talk?”
With a small smile, Micah nodded.
“You’re welcome. Now if we’re done here, I’m going to go see if I can have some food, put Jackson down for a nap, and then love my woman with all my might. Again.” Ajax wiggled his eyebrows, and Micah huffed out a laugh.
Crush (Elemental Hearts, #3) Page 17
