How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship: What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence

by Donna J. Farris

  How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

  What You Need to Know About Domestic Violence

  By Donna J. Farris

  Smashwords Edition

  Copyright 2011 Donna J. Farris

  Ebook cover

  Image of frightened woman: Copyright godfer - Fotolia.com

  Smashwords Edition, License Notes

  This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

  Dedication

  This book is dedicated to those with the courage to help a friend in need.

  Table of Contents

  Introduction

  Chapter 1 - Statistics on Domestic Violence

  Chapter 2 - Factual Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

  Chapter 3 - What the Bible Says About Domestic Violence

  Chapter 4 - Practical Ways to Help a Friend

  Conclusion

  Introduction

  In addressing the complex and often perplexing issues that permeate the subject of domestic violence our best insights often come by simply listening to the victims. Consider the following true quotes from abused women:

  1-“Six weeks after I married my husband, I discovered he had a cruel, violent streak. His angry outbursts (such as throwing a pan through the sliding glass door in the kitchen, habitually kicking the dog, his endless ranting and ravings about simple inconveniences, and his frightening threats to hurt me or the kids) got progressively worse until I left one night. But he followed me and tried to force my car off the road. Our newborn son was in the back seat...The church we had been attending encouraged me to submit to his authority and return home so I returned. Despite weeks of pastoral counsel, the violence seemed to get worse. I finally decided to leave for good. Now the church doesn’t want to help me because no one wants to alienate him. I don’t know how I will be able to raise our three children on my salary of eleven hundred dollars a month.”

  2-“Unless you’ve been there, you don’t know what it’s like. For about three years now, my husband has slapped me across the face, dragged me across the room by my hair, and refused to allow me to leave the house alone even to go grocery shopping. I am a virtual prisoner in my own home. He has brutally raped me on several occasions. We’ve talked to preachers and counselors who said I should try and make my husband happy while he was trying to find himself as a man. They said things would get better. Then they told my husband that if I divorced him, I would go to hell for sinning against God’s will for marriage. But no one addressed his abuse. All they said was, ‘have faith in God and everything will be ok.’”

  3-“My husband professes to be a Christian. I used to believe him, but I don’t know anymore. The physical abuse is just the tip of the iceberg. It’s the emotional part that’s the most painful. He is always telling me I’m in sin; that I’m not submissive like I’m supposed to be; that I’m emotionally disturbed and crazy... He is always quoting the Bible to prove how wrong I am...He is very controlling. He keeps all the money and I have to go to him for even the smallest things like shoestrings...[People talk about how it] becomes harder and harder for women to leave because they get worn down and exhausted from dealing with the situation and the brainwashing that goes on, and it is brainwashing. After a while I begin to question myself about whether his accusations about me are correct. I’m always thinking, ‘What if he’s right?’...No one in my circle of friends or acquaintances calls me anymore, and no one at church even wants to sit with me. They all believe his side of the story. I feel so alone…some days I don’t know if I will make it one more day.”

  4-“After years of visits to emergency rooms, reconstructive surgeries, dislocated shoulders, and more black eyes than I can remember, I finally filed felony assault charges against my husband only to drop them when he agreed to pastoral counseling. But during the counseling session, the pastor continually avoided the issue of spousal abuse so evident within our marriage. Instead, he focused on what my role as a wife was. He told me to submit to my husband and try not to ‘set him off.’ The pastor also indicated that I was expecting too much of my husband. Yet in all those visits, the pastor never told my husband about his biblical responsibility to love and care for me. And not once did the pastor ever reprimand my husband for his violence, ask him to step down from his leadership position, or refer him to a batterer’s program. I left those counseling sessions feeling empty, believing God did not care for me at all...[Removing an eye patch which revealed a badly swollen eye and bruised face she asked], ‘I truly hate him for hurting me like this, but what if I really do burn in hell for breaking up my marriage? And I ask you, could hell be any worse than having to live like this?’”

  Chapter 1 - Statistics on Domestic Violence

  Victims of abuse:

  ***Domestic violence kills four and a half million women every year.

  ***A woman is beaten every 9 seconds. [NBC Nightly News, NBC television network, October, 1996; Domestic Violence, documentary series segment on The Justice Files, Discovery Channel, 1998; and The Facts: Family Violence Prevention website.]

  ***Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15-44 in the United States - more than car accidents, muggings, rapes and cancer combined. [Journal of The American Medical Association, Surgeon General, United States Public Health Services, 276, no. 23 (June 17, 1992), 3132.]

  ***Battering is considered a misdemeanor in most states rather than a felony. Yet injuries suffered by battered women are at least as serious as injuries suffered in 90 percent of violent felony crimes. [The Gender Bias Committee’s Domestic Violence Study, by Joan Zorza, The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1989.]

  ***The former United States Surgeon General, C. Everett Koop, labeled domestic violence the “number one health problem in America.” [Televised news conference from the White House, Washington, D.C., CBS television network, March 1, 1989.]

  ***A national crime survey labeled the American home at night the most dangerous place to be and the most likely setting for homicide to occur. [Battered Into Submission, James and Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1998.]

  ***Domestic Violence is the most underreported crime in America. Only ten percent of all domestic violence incidents are ever reported. [Report on Domestic Violence: Net Benefits Cause of the Month, United States Federal Bureau of Investigation website: www.netbenefits.com/causes/html.]

  *** Violence occurs on a regular, ongoing basis in 24-30 percent of all homes in America. [Fact Sheet - Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence, website: www.psynet.net/ccav, 1998.]

  ***Up to thirty-five percent of the women who visit emergency rooms are there for injuries related to ongoing abuse. [The Journal of American Medical Association, National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1990.]

  ***Contrary to the belief that domestic violence works both ways, in 95% of all domestic violence assaults, crimes are committed by men against women. [Battered But Not Broken, Patricia Riddle Gaddis, Judson Press, 1996.]

  ***About 75% of the calls to law enforcement for intervention and assistance in domestic violence occur
after separation from batterers. One study revealed that half of the homicides of female spouses and partners were committed by men after separation from their batterers. [Remarks to the Task Force on Child Abuse and Neglect, Senator Barbara Hart, Esquire Magazine, April, 1992.]

  ***The National Clearing House for the Defense of Battered women reports that divorced and separated women are battered fourteen times as often as women still living with their partners and account for 75% of all battered women. [Legislative History of S.B. 924, 1995, passed into law as California Code of Civil Procedure, as reported in the book, Stop Domestic Violence - an Acton Plan for Saving Lives, Lou Brown, Francios Dubau, and Merritt McKeon, St Martin Press, 1997.]

  ***The National Coalition against Domestic Violence says that for every woman who is admitted into a shelter, two are turned away; a number that more than doubles in some urban areas. [Broken and Battered, Muriel Canfield, Howard Publishing Company, 2000.]

  ***Violence will occur at least once in fifty percent of all marriages. [Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1998, website: www.psynet.net/ccav]

  ***Roughly every other married woman will at some point in her marriage experience at least one incident of physical violence at the hands of her husband. [Battered Into Submission, James and Phyllis Alsdurf, Wipf and Stock Publishers, 1998.]

  ***In the United States, fifty percent of all homeless women and children are on the streets because they have fled from an abusive living situation. [Legal Reform Efforts for Battered Women, report by Elizabeth Schneider, self-published, 1990.]

  ***Women who leave their batterers are at a 75 percent greater risk of being killed by the batterer than are those who stay. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO,1999.]

  ***Women of all cultures, races, occupations, income levels, and ages are battered by husbands, boyfriends, lovers and partners. [Domestic Violence: Battered Women, Surgeon General Antonia Novello, a publication of the Reference Department of the Cambridge Public Library, Cambridge, MA.]

  ***The American family and the American home are perhaps more violent than any other single American institution or setting with the exception of the military in time of war. [Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family, Murray A. Straus, Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K. Steinmetz, Anchor Press, New York, NY, 1981.]

  The Abuser:

  ***In almost every instance, outside intervention is needed to stop the abuse. Even if confronted by family or friends about his need for treatment, few violators will stay in a treatment program without a court order. In order to change their behavior pattern, they need help to see that violent behavior is abnormal. [Abuse in the Family, Karen Burton Mains, David C. Cook Publishing Co., 1987.]

  ***Violence is used by the perpetrator in a relationship as a means to gain control over the victim. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO, 1999.]

  ***About one-third of the men counseled for battering at Emerge are professional men who are well respected in their jobs and their communities. These include doctors, psychologists, lawyers, ministers, and business executives. [For Shelter and Beyond, Massachusetts Coalition of Battered Women Service Groups, Boston, MA, 1990.]

  ***Weapons are used in thirty percent of domestic violence incidents. [Special Report: Family Violence, P. Claus and M. Ranel, United States Bureau of Justice Statistics, article undated.]

  ***According to a report from United States Senator Barbara Boxer on September 2, 1993, nine-tenths of all family violence defendants are never prosecuted, and one third of the cases that would be considered felonies, if committed by strangers, are filed as misdemeanors. [Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Paul Hegstrom, Beacon Hill Press, Kansas City, MO,1999.]

  ***All studies indicate that battering is learned behavior. Between sixty and eighty percent of batterers grew up watching their fathers abuse their mothers. [Battered But Not Broken, Patricia Riddle Gaddis, Judson Press, 1996.]

  What About the Children:

  ***Male children who witness adult-to-adult domestic violence are, as adults, 700 times more likely to beat their female partners. Male children who also are physically abused are, as adults, 1,000 times more likely to beat their female partners. [Behind Closed Doors: Violence in the American Family, Murray A. Straus, Richard J. Gelles, and Suzanne K. Steinmetz, Anchor Press, New York, NY, 1981.]

  ***Of children who witness wife battering, 40 percent suffer anxiety, 48 percent suffer depression, 53 percent act out with parents, and 60 percent act out with siblings. [Forgotten Victims of Family Violence, Social Work, July, 1982.]

  ***Current estimates of family violence in the United States suggest that three to five children in every classroom may witness violence in their homes. [Colorado Coalition against Domestic Violence Fact Sheet, 1998, website: www.psynet.net/ccav]

  Youth Violence:

  ***While violent crime in this country seems to have reached a plateau, one of the highest increases in violent crime is occurring in teen dating relationships. [Quote from a California Family Court Judge.]

  ***One in three teens experience some form of relationship violence before they graduate from high school or college. [Article published by the YWCA’s Domestic Violence Institute in the San Diego Union-Tribune, May 2, 1998.]

  ***Teens do not know that their boyfriend’s physical abuse is wrong. [Article published by the YWCA’s Domestic Violence Institute in the San Diego Union-Tribune, May 2, 1998.]

  Costs of Domestic Violence:

  ***Medical costs from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion annually. At least another $100 billion can be added to the cost to businesses in lost wages, sick leave, non-productivity, and absenteeism. [Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, Fact Sheet from the Colorado Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1991.]

  ***Each year, domestic violence leads to 100,000 days of hospitalization, 301,000 emergency room visits, and almost 40,000 visits to a physician. [Five Issues in American Health, The American Medical Association, 1991.]

  ***Some estimates place the annual price tag companies in America pay for violence in the home as high as $5 billion. [Domestic Violence and the Workplace, The Family Violence Prevention Fund Web Page.]

  ***According to a 1996 National Institute of Justice Study, domestic crimes against adults account for almost fifteen percent of total crime costs which currently tops $67 billion per year. [www.gotec.net/dv/info.html dated 9-14-00.]

  ***In a 1994 survey of senior executives of Fortune 1,000 companies, 66 percent of the respondents believed that a company’s financial performance would benefit from addressing the issue of domestic violence among its employees. [www.gotec.net/dv/info.html dated 9-14-00.]

  ***It is estimated that 25% of workplace problems such as absenteeism, lower productivity, turnover and excessive use of medical benefits are due to family violence. [Employee Assistance Providers - MN, the National Clearinghouse for the Defense of Battered Women, 125 9th St., Suite 302, Philadelphia, PA 19107.]

  Chapter 2 -Factual Answers to Frequently Asked Questions

  How does someone become a batterer?...Eighty to ninety percent of men who are violent with their partners witnessed their fathers abuse their mothers or were abused themselves as children. Such childhood traumas contribute to low self-esteem and general feelings of being out of control as an adult. These early experiences have also taught men to cope with problems of stress by using violence. Society has encouraged or condoned such violence by perpetuating values that a “real man” is aggressive and forceful; that violence is acceptable at certain times; that women are acceptable targets of violence; that women enjoy pain; and that women and children are a man’s property.

  If a batterer is using alcohol or drugs and stops, won’t the violence stop as well?...Not usually. There are many families where both violence and chemical abuse are problems, but one does not cause the other. Both problems need their own treatment.
If a person is chemically dependent this must be addressed before treatment for other problems will be effective.

  Isn’t battering only a momentary loss of temper?...Battering is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through violence and other forms of abuse. The batterer uses acts of violence and a series of behaviors, including intimidation, threats, psychological abuse, isolation, etc. to coerce and to control the other person. The violence may not happen often, but it remains as a hidden (and constant) terrorizing factor.

  Can a batterer change? Is there hope?...A violent person is using that violence to release feelings of anger, fear, frustration, etc. Such a person lacks the interpersonal skills to express those feelings in constructive, positive ways. The problem is that many batterers experience few, if any, real consequences for their violent behavior. Many men will not seek assistance without strong motivations, such as their partner leaving them or the court ordering them to do so. Suggestions from the batterer’s friends and family that he seek assistance can also be encouraging. But unless and until batterers are consistently held accountable for their actions, they will not seek assistance, no matter how bad they say they feel or how much they profess to want to change.

  However, there is hope. It is possible for batterers to change their violent behavior, but they must be able to admit that they have a problem, take responsibility for their own actions and seek professional help. They usually must remain in ongoing counseling for a significant period of time before newly learned responses become a permanent part of their behavioral patterns.

  Is it true that if children never actually see the abuse, they won’t be affected by it?...It is rare for children who live in violent homes to escape seeing and hearing the violent incidents. And even if children never actually witness the violence in any way, they are still affected by the attitudes and emotional states of both parents.