by Mike Shevdon
As she walked away, the faint sound of a phone ringing began again.
NINE
Back at the courts we were met by Garvin.
"No luck?"
"They were prepared," said Amber, "maybe even organised."
"That's a new development," Garvin commented. "Did you track them?"
"No point. They were settled in, but they knew we'd found them. We could go back when it's quiet, see if they return for what's left, but they've stolen what they had. My guess is they'll just steal some more. It's easier and safer than risking an ambush."
"So we wait," said Garvin.
"They'll pop up again. Their kind can't keep their heads down for long."
"Let's hope they don't pop up in a way that's public and violent."
It occurred to me that Garvin was more concerned about the publicity than the violence. He turned to me.
"Blackbird asked if you'd go and see her when you got back. I think she has another lesson planned."
"Where is she?"
"She was heading out to the courtyard, but she might be back inside by now."
"I'll go and find her."
Amber accompanied me as far as the stairs up to our rooms.
"Listen, thanks for not telling Garvin I messed up back there," I said to her.
"If I had told him, what good would it have done? You need to stop worrying about screwing up and focus on the job in hand. Garvin's the least of your worries. He's not going to crack your skull open with an iron bar."
"Even so, you could have told him and you didn't. I'm grateful."
"Don't get the idea that I'm on your side, Dogstar. I'm on my side. Always."
"I'll try and remember that."
"Go to your lesson. Seems like you need it."
I watched her retreating back as she walked away. Was she going soft on me? It was hard to imagine — Amber was an ice-cold exterior wrapped around an ice cold interior. Nothing touched her.
It left me wondering why she'd built such a wall around herself.
I found Blackbird upstairs sat on our bed. I glanced towards the darkened side-room where the door was ajar so that she could keep an ear out for our son. All was quiet, which I took as a good sign.
"Garvin said you were looking for me?" I said.
"Did he?" Her answer was curt. She'd been in a funny mood earlier and my absence didn't seem to have improved it.
I tried again. "Did you want me for something?"
"How was your trip? Did you find what you were looking for?" The question was lightly framed, and felt as if it should hold some hidden meaning, but I couldn't fathom it.
"No. I messed it up, well sort of. We were intercepted by some hoodies who wanted to mug us. Amber dealt with them."
"More to add to the body count?" she said stiffly.
"She scared them off, actually. She's not as bad as you make out."
"One Warder is much like another, I find."
That was a little pointed. "Does that include me?"
"I don't know, does it?" She was folding and unfolding a nappy on her lap, as if she couldn't get it right but couldn't stop until it was.
"Have I done something wrong?" I asked.
"How would I know? I haven't seen you all day," she said.
"Garvin said you wanted to have another session with me," I suggested.
"Have you done any of the exercises I set you last time?"
"I did try when I was waiting for Katherine, but I haven't had much chance to practice."
"That would be a no, then. Too busy galavanting around the country chasing hoodies, ex-wives and wayward daughters, I expect," she said.
This wasn't the time to ask if Alex was back. "No, it's just that I've been busy."
"Well," she tossed the nappy to one side, letting it fall haphazardly across the bed, "there's not much point in teaching you things if you're not going to practice, is there?"
"It's not that I don't want to," I said. "There are only so many hours in the day, you know?"
"I'm well aware of how many hours there are in a day."
"I'll try and find some time to practice later, maybe you could help me?" I suggested.
"Of course. I'd love to sit there and watch while you concentrate on creating stillness. I can't wait, thought the excitement may be too much for me."
"OK, then. I'll do it alone."
"Like you do everything else?" she said.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm simply remarking that your approach may not be as inclusive as it could be."
"Is this because I went out with Amber? You're not jealous, surely?"
"Why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous of?" She brushed imaginary specks from her skirt.
"Nothing. If you think there's something between Amber and me you've got entirely the wrong end of the stick."
"I never said anything about Amber. It was you that mentioned her," she pointed out.
"Well, there isn't anything, OK?" I was feeling like I'd done something wrong, though I didn't know what.
"Whatever you say," she said.
"What do I have to do to prove that there isn't anything?"
"Well you could stop protesting about it. Drawing attention to it only makes it seem worse than it is."
"There isn't anything to draw attention to," I said.
"So you say."
"Is something the matter?" I tried to keep my enquiry neutral.
"With me? Why should any thing be the matter?" she asked.
"I'm not sure. You're acting strange, that's all."
"I'm acting strange? I expect it's probably my hormones."
"That might explain it."
She stood up, genuinely angry. "How dare you! What gives you the right to blame your conduct on my body? You know nothing about it. What makes you think you're so damned perfect?"
"Keep your voice down, you'll wake the baby. I only meant…"
"Meant what? That I'm not in command of my feelings because there are chemicals in my bloodstream? That I can't be expected to control myself because I'm female? Who do you think you are?"
"I wasn't meaning that. You're the one who keeps going on about how being pregnant changed everything. How do you expect me to know how it feels?"
"You can't possibly know how it feels. You swan off here and there, doing what you like when you like, you never offer to change him or look after him while I go out."
"Where do you want to go?"
"None of your damned business! I've been going to places and doing what I wanted to do since before you were born. Why should I have to tell you where I'm going?"
"You only had to ask," I protested.
"Ask? Why do I have to ask? Do I need your permission now? Is that what you think, that I'm sitting here like your bloody secretary, waiting for you to give me permission to leave?"
"No, I just meant that if you let me know you wanted to go out, I would come and look after him for a while."
"When you're not treating me like a secretary, you treat me like some kind of babysitter," she said.
"Oh no, that isn't true."
"Isn't it? You leave me here day in and day out. I never see the light of day."
"No, hang on a minute. You were the one who wanted a child. You were the one who suddenly got interested in me when you found out I was fertile."
She shook her head. "That's not true."
"Isn't it? When you found me that day on the Underground, you were all ready to abandon me to the Untainted, and then you found out I had a daughter. All of a sudden the old lady was gone and you were all long legs and shy smiles. What would you like to do for your last day, you said, all come-to-bed eyes and pouting lips. You think I didn't know? You think I didn't notice?" I was shouting now, but I didn't care.
"That's not how it was." There were tears in her eyes.
"You didn't think I'd make it through the night, did you? That's why you left me at Leicester Square. You didn't want to be
around when the Untainted came for me. You damn near admitted it."
She shook her head, but she couldn't get the words out to deny it.
There was a knot in my throat, but I swallowed it down. "Even then, when I survived and you found I was wraithkin — it didn't put you off, did it? What could be a powerful enough incentive for you to overcome your revulsion? What would it take for you to put that aside?"
"No, no, no," she whispered.
"It wasn't me you wanted. It was what I could give you. All you ever wanted was a child. It was written all over your face at that inn in Shropshire. The first time you thought you might be pregnant you looked like the cat that got the cream. You hit the jackpot, and now you've got what you wanted you couldn't give a damn about me."
"It's not true," she whispered.
"Tell me truthfully. Before you knew I was fertile, did you have any interest in me at all?"
She shook her head, denying my question.
"That's not an answer, Blackbird. You never wanted me, did you? It was only ever about the baby. Now you've got what you needed, you want out. Don't worry, I know how it goes. I've been there before. I've got the bloody T-shirt."
She shook her head again, scattering tears, wringing her hands together. I turned and reached for the door handle. "Let Garvin know when you're leaving. I'll keep out of your way until then."
I stepped through the door and slammed it shut behind me. I was breathing hard, adrenaline coursing through my veins. My head felt like it would burst. I wanted to kick the door, the wall, anything. How could I have been such a fool?
I knew what she wanted from the start, but I kidded myself. I told myself that when she got to know me it would be enough — we would find a way to be together. I'd let my sex drive override my common sense and look where it had got me. Another bloody disaster. Another lesson in letting your heart rule your head. You'd think I'd bloody well learn.
Behind me, the door was wrenched open. I turned and she stood there, hands on her hips, colour in her cheeks.
"How dare you!" she shouted. "How dare you presume to tell me what I think and how I feel. What gives you the right?"
"Don't make it worse than it has to be."
"Worse? You stupid, stupid man! You idiot! What do you think you're doing?"
I shrugged. "It's over isn't it? What else is there to say?"
"Idiot!" she repeated. She grabbed my jacket and wrenched me back into the room, slamming the door behind me. She pushed me back against the door and pressed her lips to mine, hard. She kissed me hungrily, pressing her body against mine. It was such a change of tack that it took a moment for my head to catch up with my body.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
She kissed me again. "Shut up and undress me."
"You'll wake the baby…"
"He's downstairs with Lesley." She tugged my jacket off my arms and pulled my shirt out of my trousers, I could feel her nipples hardening under her blouse. I started fumbling with her buttons. She grabbed the blouse and ripped it open, exposing her breasts and shrugged it from her shoulders, then tugged at the belt of my trousers.
"But I thought…"
"Stop it! Stop thinking. You think too much. You pull things apart until there's nothing left. You analyse everything until it's torn apart. Don't think. Feel."
She tugged me by the belt towards the bed, pulling my shirt over my head and kissing me again. We fell on to the bed and kicked off our remaining clothes, wrapping our bodies together.
She bit my shoulder, making me squeal, "Ow! That hurts"
"That's for being stupid." She nibbled my ear, making me squirm, "and that's for thinking too much." She had her hands on my naked rear, wriggled beneath me. She kissed me long and languid, lifting her hips, and my body took over from my brain and I finally stopped trying to think.
A little while later I was staring at the ceiling, stroking her hair while she lay on top of me, resting her head on my chest. The length of her naked warmth was laid down my body, so that her legs rested between mine. I sighed.
"A pigeon for your thoughts," she said.
"It's a penny," I reminded her.
"You always say that, but it doesn't make it right."
"I hate pigeons."
"I don't suppose they're that keen on you," she said.
We lapsed into silence again; I could feel the rise and fall of her chest where she lay on me.
"You're not leaving me then?" I asked, tentatively.
She leaned over and sank her teeth into my side.
"Ow! Ow! That hurts! Let go!" I rubbed where her teeth had nipped the skin. I rubbed it with the palm of my hand. "I'm going to have a mark there."
"You shouldn't ask such stupid questions."
"Teeth are off limits. No teeth. OK?"
"That's not what you said earlier," she purred.
"That was different."
"You have to make your mind up then. Teeth or no teeth?" Her hand stroked across my chest, circling where my chest hair surrounded my nipple.
"Why is everything so complicated?" I asked her.
"It's not complicated. You simply have to decide what you want and what you're prepared to do to get it."
"Is that what you did?"
There was a long pause. I carried on stroking her hair.
"I admit, when I first met you I was thinking that you already had a daughter, so maybe another baby wasn't impossible for you. But you have to remember that you were marked by the Untainted. I'd never heard of anyone surviving to the next dawn in those circumstances. It was unlikely at best, and I offered what I could, partly from selfishness, it's true, but I would have made sure you enjoyed it."
"What changed your mind?"
"About you? I don't remember a specific moment. Between threatening to skewer you with a knife and losing you on the Way, something changed. I found I cared about losing you."
"Do you still care?"
She pressed her nails into the soft skin at each side with increasing pressure.
"OK, OK, I give in." The pressure relaxed
Lifting her head, she rose up on her arms to face me, studying my face intently.
"What?" I asked.
She shuffled upwards so that she could straddle my hips and sit across me, taking both my hands in hers and intertwining the fingers, pressing them down so that her hands were over my shoulders. I leaned up to kiss a nipple, but she evaded me, looking serious.
There was a hint of green fire somewhere in the darkness of her eyes.
"Know this, Niall Petersen. I have loved you almost since the day I met you. I cannot promise to love you for ever, because I do not know what the future will bring, for either of us, but right here, right now, I love you."
"I love you too."
She lifted her hand, mine still entwined, and pressed it against my lips. "Don't say that unless you mean it. I do not demand it of you. I do not even ask it."
"I do. When I thought you were leaving I was… I don't know what I would have done."
"Someone…" She stopped, and sighed, and tried again. "Before I met you, someone hurt you. Maybe it was Katherine, and maybe it was someone else, I don't know and I'm not blaming anyone for it. But you hold yourself closed, like any moment you expect the floor to drop out from under you."
I didn't say anything. The knot had reappeared in my throat and I didn't think I could speak.
"I just want you to know," she said quietly, "that I won't do that to you."
She leaned down and gently kissed my lips.
She added, "I might stick a knife in your ribs, or bash your head in with a rolling pin, but I won't do that to you."
I smiled, and she smiled too.
"Which might be sooner rather than later if you don't get me out of here. Seriously, if I have to change another nappy today I am going to go stark-raving mad. I love our son dearly, but he's a little shit-bottom."
"All part of the joys of parenthood," I said.
"Well if you
don't want to find him skewered to a door post, you're going to have to do something."
"Far be it from me to tell Blackbird of the Fey'ree when she can come and go. The world is your oyster, Mistress." I hadn't forgotten her earlier words, despite our current rapprochement.
"That smart mouth will get you into trouble." She kissed it for emphasis. "I can feel my brain going to mush. I haven't had a decent conversation that doesn't involve nappy-rash for weeks. Don't look hurt, I don't mean you. It's just that I've always been active and enquiring; I spent the last thirty years as an academic. The lack of any kind of mental stimulus is driving me to distraction. I need something to get my teeth into."
"I'll see if I can come up with something."
"Maybe I could come with you on one of your Warder missions?"
"I don't think Garvin would approve," I pointed out.
"Stuff Garvin. I don't need his permission."
"Woah, I was just pointing out that Warder business possibly wasn't the best way to get some fresh air."
"You don't need to protect me, Niall."
"It's not that. I'm already feeling out of my depth. I meant it when I told you I messed up this morning. We could have caught them if I had been quicker on my feet."
"And then what happens to them?" she asked.
"Whatever. They join the courts? We all live happily ever after?"
"Something tells me that's not what Garvin has planned."
"I know you don't see eye to eye with him, but you don't have to see a conspiracy in everything he does."
"Where is Angela?" she asked, innocently.
"The seer? She's staying in the house, isn't she? Garvin said he'd ask Mullbrook to find her somewhere."
"Have you seen her since then?" she asked.
"Well no, since you come to mention it."
"So where is she?"
"It's a big house. There are plenty of empty rooms."
"It makes you wonder, doesn't it? What are they all for?"
"Now you really are going off track. I promise I will find something for you to do." She squeezed my hand, "For us to do together, then. Just don't rattle Garvin's cage any more than you have to, OK? He's already on my case."
