I nod hesitantly. “I’m so sorry she’s sick.”
“Sometimes her health issues aren’t even the worst part. I’m worried about my father, too. Should she die, I don’t know how he’d cope. We’ve all had time to process the idea of her dying, but if it happens, the ground will open up and swallow him. I can only hope he’ll be able to deal with it and get back on his feet.” He whispers the final sentence, which sends a cold shiver down my spine.
I suddenly realize I’m wringing my hands and try to stop. I lean my chin on one hand and look at him. “Are you scared?”
“I’m absolutely scared, yeah,” he admits with a sigh. “Enough of my problems, though. How have you fared these last few years?”
“Not too great. But of course it could always be worse. Things happened that should not have happened, but at least they made me grow up.”
He smiles thoughtfully. “So you did go that shitty route?”
“What route?”
“Growing up. I remember you used to say you didn’t want to grow up to be a boring, serious person.”
“Oh, well it wasn’t my decision but my experiences that forced me to grow up in the end.”
“What does that mean?”
I hesitate. “After you broke up with me, I fell into a deep hole. I did stupid things, I smoked weed, I was a drifter. But there are a few things I simply don’t want to tell you, and the reason I’ve changed is one of them.”
“Did someone … do something to you?” he asks, visibly unsure how to phrase the obvious question.
“Almost, and that is all I want to say about it. I saw a therapist afterwards, and I can live with the fear now. Even though I’m sometimes taken by surprise by certain triggers.”
He swallows, hard. “Did they … hurt you?”
“Well, yes, I got hurt,” I say quietly, “but not in the way you’re probably thinking of. More mentally and psychologically than physically, you know?”
Nathaniel takes some hasty sips from his glass. “I’d rather have something stronger than water right now,” he murmurs.
“Noah and I never have any alcohol in the house, sorry.”
He shakes his head. “I can’t believe so much stuff has happened to you. Why was I such a total jerk? I should’ve stayed to protect you.”
I cock my head to one side. “We weren’t together anymore when those things happened. And I never wanted to see you again after you broke my heart.”
He looks disgusted. “I was an asshole.”
“Oh, I think I had some names for you worse than that.” I manage a small smile. “Nathaniel, it’s life and it’s shitty, but it happens. Some people are luckier than others, and I’m not one of them, it seems.”
“After your parents’ death, you deserved all the luck and happiness in the world. After being pushed around from one place to the next like some fucking traveling trophy—the world cup or something, you know? And then you just got more shit delivered to your doorstep, and yet you’re still this positive person.”
I hate being pitied! my inner voice is howling in protest at his gaze and words.
I force a smile. “It’s amazing what a few antidepressants, tranquilizers, and a lot of therapy sessions can do to a person, isn’t it?”
“That isn’t funny, Shai,” he scolds.
“I didn’t say it was funny, but it’s my life. I have to deal with it and make my peace, Nate, and that’s what I’ve done. There’s hardly anything else to do. Or should I sit in a corner and cry all day?”
“That’s not what I mean. I just meant you shouldn’t joke about such a serious topic.”
I feel like repeatedly banging my head on the table. Of course it’s serious, of course it’s shitty, of course it isn’t anything you’re supposed to take lightly, but goddammit, it’s my fucking life that we’re talking about here.
“I’m not joking,” I say, “I’m only take things a little more lightly because it’s the only way to deal with it. I don’t want to hide somewhere and keep asking myself why all this shit had to happen to me, of all people. I just want to enjoy my life despite all of it. It’s the only life I have.”
Nate slowly reaches out his hand, and then he places it on top of mine, stroking gently. “You’re right. I’m sorry I acted like some kind of school teacher.”
I shrug. “Let’s forget about it, okay?”
“I can’t forget that you were hurt,” he says softly.
Okay, this is definitely getting to be too much. “You were the first to hurt me, Nathaniel. It only went downhill from there.”
He raises both hands defensively. “I’m sorry! Okay? I’ve told you several times that I know I acted like an asshole and a jerk, but that was six years ago. You can’t hold it against me forever.”
“I can’t?” I rise, my cheeks hot with indignation. “Of course I can hold it against you. You dumped me via text … to be with my friend!”
He rises as well, looming over me. Shit, I’d all but forgotten how tall he is. He scowls down at me.
I roll my eyes, expecting another schoolmasterly scolding. Instead, he grabs my neck, pulls me close, and kisses me with a wholly unexpected intensity. At first, I freeze and just stand there, shocked by this sudden development. But God, he’s become a much better kisser than he used to be. Without thinking, I wrap my arms around his neck as he maneuvers me out of the kitchen and into the hallway. “Where’s your room?” he asks, pulling away for only a moment.
“To the right, at the end of the hallway,” I whisper back, before he puts his lips on mine again.
He puts his arm around my hips and lifts me up. It hurts a little because he’s holding me so tightly, pressing me against his steel body. He stumbles into my room and closes the door with a kick, before finally setting me down again.
I pull away. “We … no … don’t,” I stutter, helpless in the face of his inquisitive, probing gaze.
“Shai?” he murmurs.
“We’re not a couple anymore and … it’s not a valid strategy to fight and then have aggressive sex to cool off,” I say quietly, confused.
“I don’t want to have aggressive sex with you,” he says, irritated. “All I want is to be sure we’re alone, so I can kiss your lips and touch your body. I want to be so much closer to you, Shai. Close, like we were before all of this happened.”
Now my eyebrows shoot up. If my hair wasn’t in the way, it would probably travel all the way around my head, but thankfully that’s impossible.
“I’m serious,” he insists.
“No, you aren’t. I carry demons in my soul that you don’t want to encounter.”
“I think with enough salt and Dean Winchester bravado I could fight them. Maybe even banish them forever.”
I shake my head. “They’re the kind you never get rid of.”
Nathaniel drives me backward until the wall stops my retreat, making me flinch. “Let me try.”
I shake my head so hard my hair whips around my face. “It doesn’t work that way.”
“Nothing ventured, nothing gained,” he whispers.
I swallow. “Nate, this is really not a good idea.”
He puts his hand under my chin and lifts it slowly. His gaze burns into mine as he leans closer again and kisses me. A sigh of pleasure escapes me. His lips are so damned soft, and his body is so close to mine. I give in. If this is going to be a one-night stand, I don’t care. Nathaniel’s hands slip underneath my dress and start to explore my body. Then he slips the dress off me.
“You’re still as beautiful as ever,” he murmurs softly.
“What’s left of me,” I whisper.
The tip of his nose caresses my throat, sending goosebumps all over my body. The shiver of delight makes my nipples pebble. “You were always beautiful to me,” he whispers back.
I close my eyes when his warm hands cup my breasts and start to massage them gently. When he takes one hand away, I look into his face. “Nate, I … Maybe we s-shouldn’t … or should we?” I�
�m stuttering again.
“Shh,” he says and puts his finger to my lips.
Why did I go along with this? Oh, right, because of the sex.
He helps me get rid of my bikini top, or rather, he all but rips it off. Then he lowers his head to take one of my stiff nipples between his lips, biting down tenderly. “Oh my God.”
He chuckles. “You can call me Nathaniel.”
I want to roll my eyes, but that would destroy the moment. I hope he doesn’t ask about his performance later, for then I’d have to punch him. Honey, how was I? “If you were God, I’d leave the church,” I mumble.
Nathaniel chuckles again as he straightens, and then he lifts me up. Before I can think, I’m on my bed and he’s next to me. Then he seals my lips with another scorching kiss. I sigh into his mouth as I open mine to allow his tongue in. He pulls me closer, and my hands start roaming the muscles and planes of his athletic body. He was already playing football when we met in high school, but now his muscles are pure steel.
Why the hell do I have to think of Twilight right now? I ask my annoying inner voice, banishing all images of sparkling vampires from my mind, because they’re interfering with my arousal.
A moment later, Nate pulls away from me so I can take off his t-shirt, which I throw across my room. Then I all but drag him into my arms, kissing him as if there’s no tomorrow, pulling down his swimming trunks as well. Nathaniel helps me get rid of my bikini bottoms, then he spreads my legs and glides between them, quicker than I can process where we’re inevitably going now.
Our lips are still locked when he puts his thumb on my clit and massages it softly. A moan of desire escapes my mouth, and he opens his to welcome my probing tongue, which starts playing with his. I can feel my arousal take over, can feel the wetness spread below. His thumb is replaced by the tip of his penis, rubbing up and down my labia. And when he finally thrusts into me, I break the kiss, moaning loudly. His moan echoes mine, vocalizing his lust. I wrap my legs around his hips so he can go deeper, but he’s still trying to move slowly, filling and stretching me.
Panting, Nathaniel looks at me before leaning down and kissing my cheek. Then his lips travel to the sensitive spot below my ear, and further along my neck. I close my eyes as he teases my earlobe with his teeth. He moves slowly, sliding his penis in and out of me, thrusting cautiously deeper. I lift my head to kiss his shoulder, but then leave a trail of feathery kisses on his throat.
Nathaniel flinches briefly when I start to move along with him. I lift my pelvis to meet his thrusts, which drives us higher and higher. We’re past the stage of feathering kisses now, totally abandoned for our mutual lust. We moan and pant, and Nathaniel’s thrusts come faster, harder, always rubbing that spot inside me that sends me straight to my climax.
“Oh God, this is so hot,” he growls without stopping.
“I … I’m coming,” I moan as the warm waves in my pelvis turn into a pulsing heat.
“Not yet,” he murmurs, stilling, but I keep moving my hips, eager to find release. “Fuck, babe!” he curses, before starting to thrust in quick succession, so my pelvis smashes against his.
My moans become louder, close to screams. I can hardly bear it anymore, the spasms are so strong they’re almost painful. And then finally I climax with a scream of lust and release. Nathaniel’s grunt of joy is almost as loud, and then I can feel him spill his load inside me, which makes me freeze.
Shit!
A quick second of thought makes me realize I should be far enough away from ovulating, so I refuse to worry about it right now.
Nathaniel sinks down on top of me, panting, and then breathes a soft kiss to my lips. “Hi,” he whispers.
“Hi,” I echo quietly, listening to my heartbeat race.
The tip of his nose brushes mine. He always used to do that after we had sex. “You smell so good.”
I can’t help but smile. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” He grins as he lifts his head again and looks into my eyes.
I avert my gaze. “That was not what I intended to do,” I murmur.
“Have sex?”
I nod slowly, then with more vehemence.
“Was it so awful for you?” he asks, still smiling.
I shake my head again. “No, not awful at all, but still not a good idea.”
“Isn’t life for making mistakes?” he whispers tenderly.
I swallow. Is he aware that this was only a momentary weakness?
“I know this was a one-time thing,” he adds, as if reading my thoughts.
“Yes, that’s exactly what it was.”
“Do you want me to leave?” Nathaniel slips off me and lies down next to me. “I don’t like to leave after having sex.”
I pull the covers over both of us. “If you left now, I’d feel like a whore.”
“And we don’t want that.” He smiles, lying on his side, looking at me. Then he pulls me close again.
I put my cheek against his chest and close my eyes as he starts to stroke my face. “Why did you … want to do this?”
“It felt right.”
“Why?”
“Because … ” His hesitation can’t mean anything good. “Because I thought it was you when we ran into each other at the club that night, and since then, I’ve been thinking about you even more than before. I know I made a lot of mistakes, and I know I hurt you, but—call me stupid if you like—I’ve been hoping for such a long time that we’d meet up again and that you’d give me another chance.” It all comes out in a rush.
I’m dumbfounded. “Are you serious?” He’s been wishing for another chance? Really? What has he been smoking? Good God!
“Yes. Yes, I am serious,” he says, suddenly shy.
“I don’t know whether that would be good,” I stall, and then I turn my head a little, because I can’t look into his eyes.
“You don’t want me. I understand that.”
I press my lips together, hard, and squeeze my eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. Memories have crept up on me. Memories of reading his fateful text message, memories of the words he wrote, memories of how I saw him with Caroline. He seemed so much happier with her than he’d ever been with me. I sniffle, fighting my tears.
“Are you crying?”
“Sort of … ” I nod just before a sob escapes me. “Sorry.”
“Why are you crying?” he asks worriedly, taking my chin in his hand and forcing me to look at him.
“Memories,” I say curtly.
“You’re still hurting,” he says, his voice hoarse. “What I did to you still causes you pain.” His shocked eyes tell me he’s only just realized this truth.
“Yes,” I breathe through the veil of my now-streaming tears. I can’t even see properly.
Nathaniel kisses the salty droplets from my cheeks and my eyes. “I am so sorry, Shai. So very, very sorry.”
“We shouldn’t see each other anymore,” I say, pulling away from him. “Having sex was a mistake.”
He stiffens and then clears his throat.
Have I hurt him now? I wonder.
“I’ll be gone in an instant,” he says, rising quickly. “But contrary to you, I hope to see you again and again, because you’re always on my mind. You have been for months, Shai.”
“Why?”
As he gets dressed he explains, “When I moved into my apartment with Draven and Thalia, I found a box of photographs. Pictures of us. And ever since I looked through them, you’ve been in my head.”
“Oh,” I say dumbly, feeling like the slowest person on earth.
Oh? Monosyllabic, much? my inner voice chides me.
“I miss you, Shai.” His dark brown eyes appear sincere, but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. And if we tried to revive our relationship, and it failed, I don’t know whether I could bear going through the heartache again. And I’m convinced it would fail.
***
As the weeks pass, I don’t see or hear from Nathaniel. I focus all
my attention on my classes, even though that’s harder than I thought when I keep hearing his words in my head. He was wishing for another chance. And right now, as I think about that for the umpteenth time, my stomach churns weirdly. The next instant, I feel nausea wash over me. I run for the bathroom.
When I come out of the stall, a girl from my biology class looks at me questioningly. “Hangover, or did you eat something bad?”
“Probably the latter,” I say as I proceed to the sink to rinse my mouth with cold water. Then I splash it on my face, too.
“Or are you pregnant?” She grins.
I grin right back. “No way. I am not pregnant.”
“Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure, yeah.” But at that moment, I think again about having unprotected sex with Nathaniel.
I shake my head, pushing the thought aside. I’m sure I’m worrying over nothing.
Chapter 5
When summer break starts, I finally go to see my doctor. I can’t reach Nathaniel. His number seems to be disconnected, and I don’t have any of his friends’ numbers. All I know is that he’s leaving for Austin soon, so I assume I might find him at that beach house.
I desperately need to talk to him. Both our lives depend on it, you might say. At first when my period didn’t come, I thought I was just stressed or too emotional, but then the nausea started, and with it mood swings and aching breasts. Today, I got an ultrasound and now have a picture of a pea-sized thing that my doctor says will become a child. If I let it.
I have no idea whether I’m ready for this, whether Nathaniel is. The situation overwhelms me, and my mind is often a blank. Finishing college with a baby is hard. God, I could kick myself for sleeping with him, and especially for not using protection. I was sure I wasn’t ovulating, so I dismissed the thought, and now—this! A baby. I’m supposed to be a mother? It sounds like a bad joke. I thought I’d survived enough hard knocks for a lifetime, and now I’m knocked up. It just isn’t funny, nor is it fair. The fates are really against me!
Nathaniel: True Love: New Adult College Romance Novella (Coral Gables Series Book 4) Page 6
