“Yes I do. It’s all right,” I said.
He came closer and placed a soft kiss on my forehead and said, “Have a safe drive home, Latoya. Thank you for the other night.”
It wasn’t what I wanted to hear, but I didn’t really expect him to say he loved me. It never really went that way in real life, after all this wasn't a romance novel. “Thank you, Mark. Have a good morning,” I said as I smiled politely. I held the door open and he left. I grabbed a coffee in the hotel lobby and then made my way out to my car. The morning seemed lovelier than ever after the midnight storm that had come through. I drove home, crying the whole way. I was crushed.
***
When I got home, I told a friend that I needed to take charge of my romantic state. I didn’t tell her why, only that I was tired of not being in a relationship. She offered to help me out and set me up on a blind date with one of her friends that she thought I might like. I welcomed the offer. I needed the distraction. I needed anything to get Mark out of my mind.
The night of my blind date, I loathed getting dressed. It all felt so forced. I wanted to be excited and enjoy myself but the image of Mark kept popping up in my mind. I wanted him again and again, and not just sexually. I wanted to be with him. Those feelings were terrifying to me. I donned red lipstick to match my red and black dress.
I wore black thigh high stockings and black stiletto heels. I wanted to feel sexy and enticing at least, if not for my date then for myself. Mark did that to me. I now saw myself as a sexy vixen and it was starting to show in how I dressed and presented myself. It was a refreshing change to my usual nurse scrubs. I liked it. I topped my outfit off with a gold shimmering purse and a cropped black jacket. I was ready.
I took a cab. I was meeting my blind date Robert for dinner. The cab pulled up and the doorman opened the door. I hesitated and took a deep breath feeling uneasy about the night, and then I stepped out. I heard, “Latoya?”
I turned to see a handsome man with brown hair and brown eyes dressed in a dark suit waiting for me. He was very tall, at least 6’4, and he was well built. He looked like he could be a mountain climber or a surfer. He was very attractive. However as soon as I saw him, Mark’s face crossed my mind. I forced that thought out of my mind.
I smiled at him with genuine warmth.
“Hi, you must be Robert?” I asked.
“Yes. You look very beautiful, Latoya.”
“Thank you,” I said, smiling and feeling good and confident about his compliment.
“Shall we?” Robert said, motioning to the restaurant.
“Yes, thank you,” I said.
He put his arm out and I looped mine in his. His arms were strong and thick. I could feel his muscles under his suit. He looked down at me with his stunning brown eyes and I almost got lost in them for a second.
We walked in to the host stand and then we were escorted to a booth. We faced the open room and I took in all the elegant furnishings and décor. It was a great place for a date. The atmosphere was dark and romantic. There was a low candle burning on the table and a string quartet played in the corner. It was a very elegant restaurant and I admired Robert for bringing me here even though it was a blind date. It showed that he knew how to treat a lady no matter what she looked like.
We ordered from the waiter. We had oysters as appetizers with lemons. Then we had a delicious thick mint soup and fresh bread. After the soup course, we had our main courses. Robert had roast chicken with rice and potatoes. I had a thin piece of steak that was well done and covered in rosemary and cracked pepper. For the sides, I had melon, feta, and squash medley in olive oil. Then we had kale salad with apples and pecans with raspberry lemon vinaigrette for our last course. It was one of the best meals I had so far except for the one with Mark.
Robert was nice and interesting and very well mannered. Though there was something about him that wasn’t making me feel butterflies, and I couldn’t figure out what it was. The night went on in polite conversation while we ate our meal. I learned that he worked in the advertising field. On paper, he was the perfect man, husband material. He was an outdoor man and spent a lot of time climbing, scuba diving and playing sports. That would be why he had such an amazing body.
Still, I kept finding myself comparing him to Mark. I compared the way he talked, the way he carried himself, the way he flirted with me, and even the way he lifted the glass to his mouth. I silently kicked myself for not being able to get Mark out of my mind. I forced myself to give Robert all my attention over and over again. Then after a few minutes I was right back to thinking about Mark. Oh no, I thought to myself. I’ve got it bad, and by “it” I meant I was in love with Mark. There was no other explanation for it.
We finished dinner and Robert recommended heading to a bar for a nightcap. I really just wanted to go home and sort through my emotions and what I would do. I felt like I would have to move to another city. I did work with Mark after all and he was my best friend. There was no escaping it. I forced myself to say yes.
At the bar, I was finally loosening up. I even found myself putting my hand on Robert’s thigh when I laughed and played with my hair a bit. He was a handsome man and he was into me, something that was refreshing at this point in my life. Then it happened. I saw him.
I was sitting at the bar with Robert, turned sideways, resting my elbow on the bar and fully facing my date. Something caught my eye in the main room of the bar. A red dress, mostly because it was almost like the one I was wearing. I turned slightly to check it out as the woman walked to the table. I was not expecting to see what I saw. Escorting the woman in the red dress was Mark.
He had his hand on the small of her back, and they were clearly together, it was his wife Karen. My heart dropped to my stomach and my eyes teared up a bit. It took me a few seconds to process what was happening. It was really him, in the flesh, and he was with his wife. I had never seen them together and this made it real. I would have stared for ages at him, but he turned his head in my direction, or I should say in the direction of the bar. I quickly pulled my gaze away and swept the room with my eyes all the way back to my date. I was hoping it looked like I was merely looking around the room and not at Mark. I had a feeling I was unsuccessful, but at least I tried to cover up my disbelief and broken feelings. I smiled at my date.
“Is anything wrong?” he asked.
“Oh no, not at all. I thought I saw someone I knew but after getting a good look I'm not so sure. Should we have another drink?”
“Sure, another red wine?”
“Yes, absolutely.” I laughed and put my hand on his thigh. If Mark did see me and was now watching, I wanted him to know that I was on a date.
The next fifteen minutes were excruciating. I could feel my back getting hot, like someone was burning a hole in it.
I wanted to turn and look to see what was going on, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t give him that satisfaction of knowing how much it bothered me to see him there with his wife. I know I wouldn’t be able to hide the hurt on my face if I locked eyes with him.
I made a good show of flirting with Robert. I touched him, I laughed a lot, and I made constant eye contact with him and leaned in close when we talked. But it was no use. I was feeling empty and sad inside. I felt a lump in my throat and knew that tears would surely follow. I excused myself to the ladies’ room to pull myself together.
I stared at myself in the mirror feeling really upset. I went through the usual process when something like this happens, meaning I stared at myself asking, “Why is he not with me? What’s wrong with me?” I turned away from the mirror and decided I should end my blind date and go home. I was not in any place to continue faking it.
I stepped out of the ladies’ room and ran straight into Mark. I looked up at him and struggled to hide my surprise and sadness. I don’t think I was successful. He looked down at me with those big eyes and said, “Who is that man?”
“My date.” I said smugly.
“I don’t like it.”
I tried to step around him, but he cut me off. I moved to the other side and he cut me off again. I was his prisoner. I looked up at him. He came closer and pinned me against the wall. My knees went weak. This is exactly what I wanted from him, but the fact that it was happening seemed unreal.
I moaned in response. I couldn’t help myself. He pressed his mouth on mine and kissed me. It was a deep possessive kiss. He moved his hand to my waist and pulled me against him. I tilted my head back, opening myself up to surrendering to his kiss. His other hand cupped my bottom as he squeezed and massaged it. I almost forgot we were in a public space and that anyone could walk into the hallway including his wife. I pushed him away an inch or two.
“We can’t do this,” I said.
Then we were interrupted.
“Latoya?” I heard in a stern and confused voice.
I turned to see Robert in hallway.
CHAPTER 5 - Accidents
I was mortified. I had completely forgotten that I was on a date. I immediately felt like a horrible bitch.
“Robert,” I blurted out. I looked at Mark and then back at Robert who looked at us both and understood the situation and shook his head at me. Then he walked out. I was glad that he didn’t make a scene, but I was angry that Mark had chased my date away. I narrowed my eyes at Mark and walked away. I grabbed a cab outside and went home. I didn’t sleep at all. I had crossed the line with one of my best friends into romantic territory and there was no going back. I felt sick to my stomach. Not only had I lost any chance of a real romance with Mark, but I also had lost him as a friend.
Over the next two weeks, I didn’t see him at all. I made it a point to switch shifts at work when I could to avoid working with him. I found myself applying for transfers to hospitals in other cities. I would take anything at this point. I had hoped not to have to uproot my life in Atlanta and get transferred to another local hospital, but being in the same city didn’t seem far enough after the incident in the bar. I could still run into him.
Imagining myself in another city gave me a sense of relief and I was starting to look forward to it. That was until something happened that changed everything forever.
The next night at the hospital I was working the same shift as Mark. I had tried hard to switch with someone but no one wanted the late night shift ever. So I had to do it.
We had said very little to each other in the last few weeks. It was just too awkward after the sexual encounter we had and the bar incident. Since then I would catch him staring at me at work and I could feel my skin burning under his gaze. It was the hardest thing to do to act like I felt nothing when he looked at me. But I did. I felt it now more than ever. The possessiveness that he had shown at the bar made me angry with him, but it made me angry with myself because it gave me hope. If he was jealous of me with another man then he must have real feelings for me. Or so that’s what I told myself. Still, it infuriated me that he was going to bed every night with his wife and I was going to bed alone. That felt very unfair. I wanted to find someone that could take the place of Mark in my heart. I could not go on like this forever.
I was walking down the corridor of the hospital at around 4 a.m. It was fairly empty and I was doing my rounds. I saw him round the corner and I quickly ducked into the prescription closet. I was sure that he had not seen me. I was deep in thought when suddenly the door opened and Mark came in and closed it behind him. He looked at me and said nothing. I knew the look on his face. I had seen it before when he was inside of me.
“Mark, what are you doing…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. He was already on me. His soft lips pressed against mine and he kissed me passionately and with such longing. I felt dizzy from being caught off guard and from feeling breathless. I moaned into his mouth and felt a few moments of complete joy. His strong hands ran down my back and my whole body broke out in goose bumps. My body relaxed against his and I involuntarily moaned. My arms went up around his neck and I pushed my fingers into his hair. I wanted him again and my body was betraying me. I wanted to be mad at him, not responding to him.
Then he pulled away from me and stared at me again. I cocked my head to the side not knowing what he was doing. Then he opened the door and vanished into the hall. I leaned against the wall and felt emotionally exhausted. What the hell was that? It was obvious we had feelings for each other but why was he stealing kisses in the middle of the night? I wanted to chase after him and give him a piece of my mind. I wanted him to explain himself, but I already knew the answers, because I knew him. I knew him better than he knew himself. He was conflicted and he was a good man that felt the need to work through his marriage because he had made those vows. I loved and hated that about him. After a few minutes, I went back to my work. I needed to focus hard on my work so as not to think of Mark kissing me. I wanted him. I wanted him badly.
Two hours later, I felt safe walking the halls again. I knew that Mark’s shift had ended an hour earlier so I felt at ease. I left that morning not knowing where we stood. Why did he keep coming on to me in unguarded moments? We needed to have a talk. I was not looking forward to that talk but it needed to happen. Either we needed to go back to being just friends and trying hard to keep to that, or we needed to be away from each other because when we were together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He was married and what we were doing behind his wife’s back was very wrong and it made me feel awful. I did not want to be the other woman.
Over the next week, I did not see him at work at all. Now I was trying to run into him because I wanted to set a time where we could talk. However, now it felt like he was avoiding me. It was funny and ironic how that turned out. First I was avoiding him so that I wouldn’t want him and now he was avoiding me so he wouldn’t want me. He had no idea that I needed to talk to him. So I decided to send him an email. I simply wrote, “We need to talk.”
He responded a few hours later with a simple, “Okay.”
We were both being cryptic. I was scared that his wife was reading his emails so I didn’t continue on. I had no idea if he had come clean with her about what happened in Savannah. It was possible that in working on their marriage that he had come clean and told her. I would have no way of knowing.
The next day I had an exhausting day at the hospital and worked a twelve-hour shift. I did not see Mark at all the entire day, but I was too tired to talk of romance and friendships anyway. I had about twenty minutes left in my shift and I was prepping to go home.
Then there was a lot of commotion. It was the usual drill as a patient was being brought into the emergency room. Everyone went into high action mode and we moved into position. I jumped into gear and made myself available then one of the other nurses looked at me with fright in her eyes. I didn’t understand why. I assumed the patient on the bed was in bad condition, but we had seen a lot here so that wouldn’t explain it.
Then I looked down at the bed being wheeled in. It was Mark. He was on the bed covered in blood. I screamed out, “Mark! Mark! What happened?”
I burst into tears. I was hysterical almost immediately. Another nurse caught me and pulled me back. It was against policy to work on someone you were too close to and everyone knew we were best friends. I was in no shape to help anyway. I was shaking and frantic. Still I fought to get loose. I needed to know what was happening. I needed to see him. I needed to make sure that he got the best care possible. One hundred thoughts ran through my brain and it was as if my nurse side and my lover side were fighting it out.
“He was found in a car wreck half an hour ago,” the nurse said.
“Let the doctors handle this. He will be okay, Latoya, he will be okay,” the nurse said as I watched Mark disappear behind the doors of the emergency room.
I crumpled onto the floor. A few friends soothed me and said words of comfort but I didn’t hear anything. All I could think about
was Mark and how I never got to tell him that I loved him. If I lost him now I would be crushed and I would die inside. The next hour felt like days as I waited for word of his condition.
Then I saw her. It was his wife, Karen. She came in with a friend. I wanted to punch her. I felt like the accident must have been her fault. Even if it wasn’t I wanted to blame her. She didn’t look at me as she walked in, she didn’t know who I was. She walked past me and into the waiting room. She was crying and I felt guilt at her pain. Maybe she did love him and I was ruining it. I had so many feelings at the moment I felt like time was standing still and reality ceased to exist.
Finally one of the doctors came out of the operating room with a look of defeat on his face. I held my breath and braced myself for the news.
CHAPTER 6 - The News
I stared at the doctor as he walked out of the emergency room to tell us the news about Mark and his accident. My heart was in my stomach and I felt heavy pressure on me. Up until now everything seemed to be very black and white, and now it was complex and heavy with emotion. The last month had been a whirlwind of experiences and torment. I had crossed the friend line with one of my best friends, Dr. Mark Waters. He was my dearest friend, but lately we had more chemistry between us than ever before. Then it escalated and finally exploded when we went to a conference together in Savannah. We did something that we should not have, we were intimate and had sex.
Deep down I was happy and relieved to have that experience with him because I did love him. However, Mark has a wife and although they’ve had a rocky relationship, she is in fact his wife. It made me feel guilty beyond belief, even though I knew that his wife did not deserve him. She always seemed like a gold digger to me. Now, however, none of that mattered. All that mattered now was Mark. He was in the emergency room being operated on after being in a horrible car accident. All I could think about was how badly I wanted him to be okay. I could not lose him. Losing him would be the worst thing, because I loved him.
The Nurse's Secret Love (BWWM Romance) Page 3
