by Natalie Ann
“So let Zach know that tonight and tomorrow—even the weekend—is for you guys alone. Make some plans, have some fun, and work it out.”
“There’s nothing to work out,” Amber said.
“Sure there is. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t have asked me to cover for you tonight.”
“Thanks, Dena,” Amber said, getting up and hugging Dena in her chair. “I really owe you for this. You name it, it’s yours.”
“No worries. I’m sure the day will come when I’ll need someone to cover for me. We’re like a family here, and family takes care of each other.”
“They do,” Amber said, picking up her phone and shooting off a text to Zach.
Believe Me
Zach picked his phone up and grinned.
“What are you smiling about?” Nick asked.
They’d been working nonstop on contracts and plans to open a new office. Going over staffing needs, forecasting goals, and expectations for the new location.
“Amber just texted me that Dena is going to take her on-call rotation for the rest of the week, that she’s all mine after five.”
“See. You were worried over nothing,” Nick said.
“Maybe. We still need to talk, though.”
Sure, he was happy that Amber did that for him. For them. But he still felt something more was going on with her and was trying to figure out how to get to the bottom of it. Something hadn’t been right for the past few days. Maybe even the past few weeks.
So later that night when Amber came home from work, kissed him quickly, and said she was taking a shower, he decided to wait until after dinner to broach the subject.
“Wow, this is nice,” Amber said when she walked into her kitchen.
“Consider me the stay-at-home partner this week. The least I could do was have dinner on the table for you.”
He’d run out and grabbed pre-stuffed pork chops, a few potatoes, and some broccoli. When it was all said and done, all he had to do was cook the chops in the oven, throw the potatoes in the microwave, and boil some water for the broccoli. Still, she seemed to appreciate it.
She pulled a stool out and sat at the place setting opposite him at her little counter. He didn’t want to sit at the table, feeling the counter was more informal and cozier.
“I might be able to get on board with this, having a dinner already cooked and set up when I come home from work. What about you? What do you normally do?”
“During the week?” he asked. “Probably the same thing you do when you’re working a lot. Grab something quick and bring it home, or make something one day and eat leftovers until they’re gone. Though I do go to my grandparents when I can. She’ll send me home with leftovers, too.”
“That’s nice. I don’t do a lot of takeout. It’s not really healthy and would make me feel guilty about the lack of time I’ve got to exercise as it is. Then I’d be begging Max to give me quick lipo sessions in the office.”
“You don’t need anything done,” he said. “I love every curve on your body.”
“That’s nice to know. And a great way to make a girl feel special. Of course, this meal makes me feel special, too. Are you trying to butter me up for something tonight, Zach?” she asked, batting her eyelashes at him.
She was definitely much warmer today than she’d been since he arrived, and now he was starting to wonder if he did overreact and that it was nothing more than their hectic work schedule.
“I thought maybe we could talk tonight. We haven’t had much time to do that since I’ve been here.”
“I’m sorry for that. It’s not normally this crazy when I’m on call. It’s really just a bad week. The two in the cottage have been driving me insane.”
“Glad to know it’s not normally like this.”
“No, not at all. Sure, I get a few calls a night, and I do get called into the ER occasionally, too, but normally just once a week. Maybe twice, but the last two days have just been nuts. I’m sure Dena is going to have it easy because she took over the time for me.”
“Do you have to take her shifts next week?” he asked.
“Yeah. We worked it out. It’s all good.” She cut into her pork chop and took a bite, so he followed suit and started to eat, too. “So do you need to do any work later, or are you done for the night?”
“I’m done for the night. I might check email later, but I’m not taking any calls from anyone.”
“Not even Nick?” she asked.
“He won’t bug me. I was with him when I got your text. Matter of fact, he asked if I needed more time here.” He looked up to see her reaction to that statement.
“Really? Do you think you do?” She looked a little unsure, so he wasn’t sure if he should press on or not.
“I guess that is some of what I want to talk to you about. I feel better knowing the last few days weren’t normal, but the question is, do you want me to try to visit more than once a month?”
Her eyes went wide, then her smile matched. “I’ll take anything and everything I can get from you, but I don’t want you to put your job in jeopardy, either.”
He laughed. “Not going to happen. Nick reinforced the fact that we own and operate a tech company and if we can’t make our jobs work remotely, then no one can.”
“We?” she asked, stopping the fork from going to her mouth.
“Nick,” he said, clarifying.
“But you do own some of the company, don’t you?”
“I’ve got shares, if you must know.”
“I’m sure more than a few shares. Never mind. You don’t have to tell me. We aren’t at that stage yet,” she said, continuing to eat. “It does make me feel better though, that Nick couldn’t really fire you over this.”
“No, Nick would never fire me. No worries there. So the question is, do you want me to spend more time here?”
“I thought I just answered that,” she said, smiling.
“You did. I guess I just want to be more convinced of it.”
“You don’t believe me?” she asked, frowning.
“I get the feeling something is going on and I’m not sure what. That’s the other part of what I wanted to talk to you about.”
***
Amber picked up her glass of wine and took a drink, trying to push back the knot in her throat.
“I want you here as much as you can make it happen. I worry that this flying back and forth is going to get old for you, but the truth of the matter is, my flexibility isn’t as great as yours.”
She wished that weren’t the case, but it was and they had to deal with it.
“I know, and I understand that. But I still feel like something else is going on.”
She paused, then decided now was the time. “Then you wouldn’t be shocked if I told you there was then, huh?”
She was trying to figure out if she should tell him. If she should tell anyone. She’d never said it before, voiced the words in her head out loud. No one knew, not the whole truth of the events that unfolded on the worst night of her life.
But if she didn’t say something to someone, then she figured she’d never be able to move on. She’d never be able to find the happiness that always seemed to elude her. She’d never be free from the guilt. And she wanted that happiness right now. She wanted it with Zach. To have that, she needed to tell him.
“Not really. The question is, how bad is it?” he asked.
“It’s not bad for us. For our relationship. Or maybe it is.” She ran her hands through her hair. “I’m trying to decide if I should tell you. Or what I should even say.”
He pushed his plate away and made direct eye contact with her. “If you can’t tell me, then I can’t help. I want to say it bothers me a great deal that you feel like you can’t be honest with me.”
“It has nothing to do with honesty. I’m not lying about anything. I haven’t lied to you at all.” When he lifted his eyebrow, she amended, “Other than lying about my last name. But I thought we agreed to move past that. I t
old you I was scared and overwhelmed then.”
“So that scared and overwhelmed feeling from back then has to do with me and what you aren’t sure you want to tell me now?”
She wasn’t surprised he pieced that together. “I guess it does. It all kind of weaves together in a nasty knot of insecurity, guilt, remorse, and pity. Lately it’s pushing itself into my mind and reminding me I don’t deserve what I want so badly.”
“Start talking, because it aggravates me something fierce that you think you don’t deserve to be happy.”
“I’m not sure where to start.” Having never voiced it before also meant there was so much, so many mixed feelings and emotions. Just trying to get through them was going to be hard enough.
“From the beginning then. We’ve got all night.”
She took a deep breath. “When I went away to college, it seemed like a whole different world to me. You know what my life was like back here; there I got more freedom, you could say.”
“You went a little wild. Nothing shocking there,” he said, grinning. “You’re my wild child for a reason. I might have done the same thing.”
She laughed a little, though it was forced. “Yeah, you could say I did. Maybe not as much as everyone assumes. At least, I didn’t think so until one night in particular. I partied, I dated. I met someone my junior year and we were pretty serious.”
“How serious?”
“Serious enough to be engaged,” she said quickly, figuring it was like ripping a Band-Aid off, acknowledging it would hurt, but knowing it had to be done. It had to be disposed of. If only that was all she was confessing.
“You were married?” he asked, shocked, looking hurt at the same time.
“No. We never got married. No one even knew about him back home.”
“Why?”
“He was an atheist. Didn’t believe in God, didn’t believe in any religion at all. Could you imagine how well that would have gone over with my parents?”
“No one knew you were dating this guy at all? That you were engaged to be married?” he said, like he couldn’t believe it.
“No,” she said, picking up her wine and draining it. “I was out of town, so they’d have no way of knowing, and I never uttered a word about him to any of the friends I kept in contact with back here. Gossip is my mother’s world. Gossip about her daughter has always been an issue. It would have destroyed her.” As much as she wanted to rebel back then, she wasn’t purposely out to hurt anyone.
“How did you even get along with him? I mean, I understand that you don’t go to church much, but it’s hard to wipe out everything you grew up being told. Everything you believe in.”
She wanted to grind her teeth, but didn’t. This was all part of why she’d never told anyone. “My parents’ beliefs aren’t mine.”
“But you still believe in God. I just can’t imagine being with someone who admittedly didn’t hold the same core beliefs—or even close. We aren’t talking about disagreeing with politics here.”
“You’re right, but it didn’t bother me. He knew my father was a minister and maybe the fact I was drawn to him despite it—like rebelling in his eyes—was part of that attraction for him.”
“So you didn’t end up getting married, you said. The differences were too much to overcome? I’m still trying to figure out why that is making you skittish about our relationship.”
Skittish was a good word. “No, that isn’t what happened. I’ll give you some more backstory and maybe you’ll understand. Greg and I met at a party, both of us had a bunch to drink and well, ended up in bed together that night.”
She watched to see if he’d show any disgust over that. Over the fact she got drunk and slept with a stranger, but he didn’t.
“You aren’t the first college student to do that,” he said. “I might have done it a few times myself. And it’s not all that different from the start of our relationship.”
“Thanks for not judging me on that.” Then what he said sunk in and she snapped, something she didn’t do often, not anymore at least. “Our relationship is nothing like mine and Greg’s was. Please don’t ever think that.”
He inched back a little, then held his hands up. “It’s in your past. I didn’t know you and if I judged every woman who’d ever done that, then I’d probably never get a date.”
She cracked the barest of grins, glad he didn’t show any signs of annoyance that she just lost her cool. “Probably right. So back to my story. It didn’t end up being a one-night stand. It ended up turning into a relationship for us. I thought I loved him. He made me feel liberated, that I was going against everything that my parents stood for. Everything they told me I shouldn’t do, I did anyway since they believed I’d been doing it…so why not? The drinking, the partying, the being with a guy who would shock them. Shock value was important to me back then. They thought I was doing it before it happened, so if I’m going to be found guilty of something, I might as well actually be doing it, right?”
“You’re making it sound like college was nothing more than a big party that you wasted away at.”
“After one night, I told myself I wouldn’t waste a minute of my life again. I wouldn’t act like I had, or do what I did.”
“What happened? I’m not sure I like the look on your face right now.”
She sniffled a little, wiped her tears away, and said, “Greg and I fought a lot. Like I said, he made me feel liberated, but I was still this country bumpkin. I was jealous of anyone he talked to. When he got drunk, he flirted with everyone. I knew it, that’s how we ended up together.”
“Did he ever cheat on you?”
“I don’t know. I’d like to say no, but I’m not really sure. Either way, we were at a party and I walked into a room and saw him with his arm around another girl, laughing. I got mad, walked up to him, and shoved him. Told him I was sick of it. Sick of being made to look like a fool. That I wouldn’t be with someone who did that to me.”
“I would think not. What was his response?”
“He told me to calm down. It was nothing and to cool my jets. We had some more choice words that I won’t bother sharing. I embarrassed myself that night, him too, so he stormed out and I found my roommate Bethany. I had dragged her to the party with me that night.”
“Why? If you were there with Greg, why bring her?”
“Because she always stayed in her room and never had any fun. I wanted for her to go out and live a little. Experience college life and all it had to offer. I piled the pressure on good and she came with me. She didn’t really leave my side that night, and that was fine. She was nursing one beer.”
“I’m still trying to figure everything out here. I don’t want to rush you, but I’m kind of confused,” Zach said.
“Then I’ll enlighten you—and you can see what kind of a person I was back then. I was pissed and I wanted to get drunk. I pressured Bethany into doing shots with me. I lost count of what we drank, I only know we both woke up the next morning in someone’s bedroom. I shook her awake and we stumbled back to our room, both of us sicker than a dog. She’d lain back down after she finished emptying her stomach, and I did the same.”
She stopped talking, her throat starting to tighten, making it hard for her to swallow and continue. Taking a few deep breathes in and out, she stood up for a minute. “Bethany must have gotten up to go take a shower and I heard her scream. I jumped up and went running in. She was standing there with her underwear on, blood on her inner thighs.”
“Please don’t tell me, Amber.”
“What, that she was so drunk she didn’t remember anything, and was raped? That she was a virgin and knew what happened…and that it wasn’t her period. Is that what you don’t want to hear?”
She was almost yelling at him now as she said those words. Forcing everything out that she felt when she saw what had happened.
But at that time, she stayed calm, she stayed collected, and she followed her gut. She told Bethany to just put her clothes back
on, don’t wash, don’t do anything. They were going to the ER.
“I brought her to the hospital,” Amber said, continuing on. “They confirmed what we knew. The problem is, we had no clue who did it. I couldn’t talk Bethany into doing anything. She was distraught, and just withdrew within herself. She said it was her fault, that she had it coming for drinking so much.”
“It wasn’t her fault,” Zach said, looking repulsed.
“No, it was my fault. Let’s be honest—that is what she wanted to say. That’s what I wanted to say, but I couldn’t. I was just frozen over the whole thing.”
“So they never found out who did it?”
“No. Bethany dropped out of school the next semester. Last I knew, she’s still a mess over it, and I don’t blame her.”
“You blame yourself,” Zach asked.
“Wouldn’t you?” she asked in disbelief.
“I get where you felt guilty over it. I get where you feel some blame, but it’s the asshole who raped her who is to blame. The prick that took advantage of her in the state she was in.”
“And she was in that state because of me!” Amber yelled. She started to stalk around the room. “Believe it or not, that’s not all that happened that night, though. As if my best friend getting raped because I got her drunk—because I was a jealous fool—wasn’t enough, three lives had to be ruined that night.”
“Three?” Zach asked.
“Yeah, three. While I was at the hospital waiting on Bethany, an ambulance came in. People were running everywhere. They were doing chest compressions on someone, bagging him, and calling out all sorts of stats.”
It amazed her that she remembered the scene so vividly, but couldn’t remember what they were saying. She was going into medicine, but all she saw was the action and not the words.
“What was going on?” Zach asked, looking at her cautiously.
“I happened to glance down at the guy on the gurney. He was covered in blood, face not really recognizable, but I noticed a leather band on his right wrist. A black leather bracelet I had given Greg months ago.”
