by D. Kelly
When I see the fatherly concern in his eyes, the fear begins to set in. There’s a psycho out there who wants to kill me.
When Past And Present Collide
The first thing Noah did was stop at the bar and order me a vodka tonic. “I’ll be with you for the next hour. Drink this now and calm yourself. Before I go on stage, we’ll switch you to water.”
When he hands me the glass, my hands are trembling so hard some of the drink sloshes over the rim of the glass. Noah discretely steadies the glass as I bring it to my lips. After a few large gulps, I finish and put the glass back on the bar.
“Better?” he asks tenderly.
“Much, thank you.”
With his arm around my waist, we make the rounds. The next forty-five minutes are a whirlwind of names and faces I’ll likely never remember. Never once does Noah release me from his grasp. A familiar squeal catches our attention as Jessie Watts makes her way through the crowd.
“Oh my God, Amelia! I’m so happy to see you!” She effectively pulls me away from Noah and into her welcoming arms.
“Jessie, you look incredible!” As I pull away from her embrace, I take her in. She’s always been a raven-haired, blue-eyed beauty.
“Amelia, it’s great to see you.” I’d know his voice anywhere. Hearing the timbre of it brings tears to my eyes, which I immediately blink back. I don’t want Noah getting the wrong idea. But when Eli pulls me in for a welcoming hug before I even acknowledge his existence, I return his hug fiercely.
Without lingering too long, I pull away and duck back into Noah’s embrace. “It’s good to see you, too, Eli. It’s been way too long.” I mean it, too. I don’t think I realized how much I missed my friend until right now.
“Well, it wasn’t for lack of trying. At least, not on my part. Noah, how’ve you been?” Eli asks, turning his attention to my uptight man. I wish he’d relax just a bit.
“Better than ever,” he answers, tight-lipped, and I take the opportunity to introduce him to Jessie in hopes of loosening him up.
“Jessie, this is my boyfriend Noah. Noah, this is my friend Jessie, Eli’s cousin.” She flashes him a mega-watt smile and extends a shaky hand. She’s always been a fangirl at heart.
“Good to meet you, Jessie. Mel tells me you’re a longtime fan.”
“You could say that. I’m so excited to have won the tickets from Slammed and to be able to spend the night catching up with Mel and Belle. I haven’t seen them in ages.”
Noah stiffens. He’s still not happy the contest winners are sitting with us, but it was arranged long before he knew Eli was going to be part of the equation.
“I’m sure you’ll have a great time.” When the lights flicker, that’s his cue to head backstage. Before he leaves, he pulls me into his arms and hugs me tight.
“Be careful tonight,” he whispers. “As soon as the show is over, I’ll come meet you at the table. Don’t go anywhere without Ryan. If you need to use the restroom, you have Ryan take you to J’s private one in his office. Four guards at all times. Even while you pee. Outside the door, of course,” he adds with a smile.
I catch a scowl on Eli’s face over Noah’s shoulder as he confirms his instructions with me. Too bad. He’s got no clue what’s going on and no place to judge what happens in my life. “I promise, I’ll be safe.” Noah lowers his mouth to mine and kisses me senseless, putting on a show specifically for Eli. I couldn’t care less; I’d let Noah kiss me anywhere.
“Dude, we’re up,” Darren says, interrupting our kiss. When he notices Eli, he smirks. “What’s up, boy band? Long time no see.”
Darren and Noah leave, and judging by the intense look on Eli’s face, just in the nick of time. He’s always hated when people disrespect his music. Or give him nicknames related to it. Ryan steps into Noah’s empty space and hands me a water bottle.
“Noah’s orders,” he adds sympathetically as he leads us to our table. Belle, Anna, and Rory are all already seated. Originally, we were supposed to be front and center, but now we’re front and off to the side so the guards can surround the table but not block views.
Of course, since half the table is already sitting, I end up sandwiched between Eli and Jessie. Great. Noah is going to hate this. Sure enough, I can see his face sour when he looks down at us, so I do a repeat of the cheesiest thing I’ve ever done and blow him a kiss like I did in the bedroom this afternoon. He doesn’t attempt to catch it this time, but I can see his chest rise and fall in a laugh as he mouths the words “I love you” to me. My heart dances in my chest as I say those words right back to him.
While Jessie catches up with Belle, Eli pulls my attention to him by putting his hand on my thigh. “You’re going to move that before I have Ryan move it for you,” I growl at him under my breath. He immediately complies and flashes me a classic, playful Eli smile.
“I just wanted your attention. I didn’t mean any harm by it. Look, I know this isn’t ideal, especially with your boyfriend watching, but can we please talk? There’s so much I’ve needed to say to you for so long.”
“You’re not going to try and win me back, are you?”
“Nah, I know love when I see it. You’re happy with him.”
“Unbelievably happy and undeniably in love.” My words confirm his suspicions, and he seems okay with it. I guess there’s really no reason why he shouldn’t be.
He scoots his chair closer to mine so we can talk. “I’m guessing this is about as private as we’re going to get with the guards. Before we talk about the past, can you tell me you’re okay? All this security isn’t normal. Are you in danger, Mel? Does that restraining order extend to you?”
Such a barrage of questions so fast, and I’m hesitant to confide too much in Eli. Not because I don’t trust him, but because I don’t want to hurt Noah by saying too much to someone he isn’t fond of.
“As of a few hours ago, it does. I’m okay, and it’s all precautionary. Sorry, Eli, I can’t really get into anything more than that.”
While he contemplates his next words, I use the opportunity to take a good look at him. His blue eyes still sparkle like the ocean on a sunny day. His sun-kissed blond hair is styled to perfection as always. He’s dressed casually in designer jeans and a button-down shirt that’s tight enough to enhance his abs and muscular arms. Those are the arms that held me through some of the worst days of my life.
“I’m sorry, Amelia. I know you said my words are meaningless, but they’re all I have. I’ve spent years trying to talk to you so I could somehow make this right. I understand why you denied my calls, letters, and emails. I just wish, more than anything, you would have talked to me. All I wanted was to show you how much I cared about you and what a huge void you leaving made in my life.”
It’s as if I can feel the pain that still flickers in his eyes. Maybe I can; I loved him once—more than anything. “Eli, if I could go back, I would change my actions. I’ve come to realize lately how losing your friendship hurt more than losing our relationship. The problem was, at fifteen, the only thing I understood was the boy I loved with all my heart betrayed me. I couldn’t get past it.”
His hand reaches for mine under the table and squeezes it comfortably as a friend would, and I let him. “If I could take it back, I would. I know those words don’t mean much now and would have meant less back then, but they’re the truth. I was terrified.” His expression becomes sad. “We were kids having a kid. I wasn’t thinking anything else when I had sex with that girl other than how much I wished she were you. I thought … I guess I thought if I had sex with someone else I could get it out of my system.”
“Get what out of your system?” My raised voice pulls Belle’s attention to us, but I smile to let her know I’m fine.
“The fear of knowing I couldn’t be with anyone else for the rest of my life. But hand to God, Mel, that was the worst sexual experience of my life to date.”
He shakes his head as if he’s trying to shake off
a bad memory. “Men who cheat on their wives and girlfriends … I don’t understand how they can. The entire time, I felt dirty. I knew I was tearing apart everything I loved with every thrust into her, but I couldn’t stop. And the rumors, they were true. I did cry, at least through half of it. I cried because I knew I’d just lost you. I’ve never felt so disgusted with anyone in my life and that disgust was all aimed at myself.” With a disturbed chuckle, he adds, “I didn’t even blame her for telling people I was a freak. I deserved the tell-all she gave. I was a fucking mess, and my indiscretion followed you like a black cloud. I don’t think you’ll ever know how heavily that weighs on my soul.”
I look over to the stage as Eli’s words ruminate through my mind. The guys are still huddled together, talking some stuff out. Knowing I have a bit of time, I turn back to Eli. I know, without a doubt, he’s telling me the truth. As I try to push down my own regrets of that time of our lives, I offer him the one thing I can give him.
My forgiveness and the truth.
“I forgive you, Eli, and I’m sorry you felt so bad about what happened, and I couldn’t hear you. Refused to acknowledge your pain and your fears. We were just kids and didn’t make the best choices. It’s exactly why we weren’t ready for parenthood.”
He shakes his head sadly. “If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t have lost our baby.”
His words are like a knife through my heart. We never had the abortion discussion; that was something I had kept to myself. I would have talked to him about it, but he cheated and I lost the baby so there was no point.
“Eli, I wasn’t planning on keeping the baby. We were kids. We weren’t ready. Your actions proved that more than anything I could have said.”
“All my actions did, aside from push you away, was prove to me how much I loved you. If you would have forgiven me, I would have married you.”
Time has jumbled his memory. “No, you wouldn’t have.”
“Yes, I would have. I had your father’s permission. Mine, too.”
My world spins on its axis. The sounds of the band warming up are an indicator of how little time we have to wrap up this discussion. “How?” I whisper, trying to hear him over the buzzing in my ears, through the pounding of my heart.
“After I cheated and confessed to you, I rented a hotel room for the night. I must have run a thousand scenarios through my head. The only one that made any sense was the one where we had the baby and made a family. Shit, I knew it wasn’t ideal. But I loved you, and unlike you, I grew up in a small town. I’d seen teenagers get married and raise families happily. I had it so much better than they did. At sixteen, I had enough money to live off of for the rest of my life if I was smart with it. So I went and bought a ring.”
No, no, no, this isn’t happening.
My head moves in tandem with the words inside my head as Eli squeezes my hand, pulling me back from denial to the present. “Yes, Mel. I had a ring. Then, I found your dad and asked his permission. Only then did I tell my parents.”
“My dad said yes?”
I’m still trying to work through why he would have done that.
“With some groveling. I told him everything. About the girl, about the baby, all of it. When he threw me up against the wall and cocked his fist, I didn’t even flinch … I deserved what was coming. Just as quickly, he dropped me back down, deciding he was impressed I was willing to take the beating. Then he sat me down and said ‘Tell me why I should give you my Mellie Sunshine.’ ”
My eyes brim with tears I’m trying desperately to blink back. Eli remembers the moment with fondness; he loved my dad.
“I told him the truth, and how I knew it at sixteen, I’ll never know. I said ‘There’s no beat to my music without her because there’s no beat left in my heart. I could go home now and the only thing I’ll regret is that she’s not with me, but I’ll never regret leaving the music behind. It’s what brought me to her, and in a way, what’s taken her way. Fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. But beyond it all, she’s the best of me. The best friend I’ve ever had, the best of my heart, and the best person I know.’ ”
When his eyes meet mine, there’s a sadness that wasn’t there before. “He gave me one of his classic Joey smiles, clapped me on the shoulder, and said if my words could sway him, he hoped for both our sakes they could sway you. He told me you had your mother’s stubbornness and it might take me a long time to win back your heart. When I stood to leave, he looked me right in the eye and said, ‘If you cheat on her again, I will kill you, and I know just the people who can make it and you disappear.’ ”
My laughter bubbles to the surface as I picture my dad putting the fear of God into Eli. Belle and Jessie are looking at us, both of them smiling, but Anna doesn’t seem to know what to think. I’m sure her loyalty is with Noah, of course, and me joking with an ex doesn’t look good. Right now, I couldn’t care less. I need to hear the rest of Eli’s story.
“Anyway, later that day is when I came to your house and your grandma told me you’d lost the baby. I knew I couldn’t propose to you then, but I held on to that ring in hopes you’d forgive me. Once I’d had that future for us planned out, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even after. I still have the ring, although I haven’t had the girl for twelve years.”
Why is this day such a mind fuck all the way around?
“What do you want from me, Eli?” I murmur softly.
“I only want your friendship, Mel. I miss the hell out of you, every day.”
“Me, too. I miss my friend, Eli. But I can’t be the woman you love. I have that with Noah in a way I never had it with you. He’s the one.”
Eli glances up at Noah and back to me.
“Does he know that?”
“We’ve talked about the future some, but you know me … I hope he knows.”
Eli pinches the bridge of his nose. He used to do that when he was stressed. Funny how I remember that detail about him, even funnier he still does it as a grown man. “Tell him. Don’t make the same mistakes I did. Make sure he knows before you miss your chance.”
This man sitting next to me isn’t the same boy I used to know. He’s changed, but I guess that’s to be expected. With all the turmoil of the past few days, the one thing I feel good about is reconciling with Eli.
“Give me your phone.” I hold out my hand. When he passes it to me, I use it to call mine and save the number. Handing it back to him, I pull mine out to send him a text message.
Mel:
I forgive you.
I’m happy you’re back in my life. I’ve missed your friendship most of all.
Password protect your phone; it’s for your own safety. Bitches be crazy.
Thank you for telling me the truth. I’m sorry I couldn’t hear it sooner.
Eli’s phone vibrates in his hand and he smiles first, then roars with laughter as he reads my words. My phone vibrates shortly after.
Eli: Thank you for hearing me out and for extending the olive branch. I’m excited to pick up our friendship. Please tell your boyfriend not to kill me. Boy bands don’t teach you how to fight like rock bands do.
His text cracks me up and reminds me so much of my dad. That was a long-standing joke between him and Eli. My dad was forever telling him nothing would teach him how to fight like being in a rock band and all a boy band was going to do was pussify him.
Eli used to do kickboxing in his spare time, so I’m pretty sure he could hold his own, but the memories are priceless. He’s one of only two people in my life who knew my dad and loved him as much as I did. To me, that makes him family.
“I’ll talk to Noah. I’m pretty sure he loves me enough to work through this.”
With a nod to the stage, Eli answers wistfully, “I’m pretty sure he’s only got eyes for you, Mel. We may have our issues, but I know he’s a good man. I’ve heard about all the random acts of kindness he does. It’s actually inspiring.”
“They’ve bro
ught me to tears a few times. He really does have a heart of gold.”
“Good, because you deserve someone who will cherish the fuck out of you.”
The rest of the evening is spent catching up with Jessie and Eli. Even Belle seems to be thawing toward him. Anna and Rory are both huge fans, so once the initial awkwardness is out of the way, they are able to get to know him a bit, too.
Our conversations are flowing easily, and I’m having a great time, but my eyes never stray long from Noah. Since the concert is being recorded, it lasts longer than normal, but the guys seem into it and happy to be here with their closest friends. They’re professionals to a fault because I know they’d much rather be figuring out our next moves. If we even have any.
“Over the years, we’ve written and performed more songs than we can count,” Sawyer speaks out to the crowd.
“And my brother, Noah, prefers to stay out of the limelight, never taking on lead vocals alone if he can help it. But recently, he met an amazing woman and fell in love.”
The crowd is “oohing” and “ahhhing” as they listen to Sawyer speak, and I’ve got no idea what they’re up to.
“So it turns out he tried some romantic move on her and it backfired on him because she fell in love with his voice. And being the romantic man he is, Noah promised her more words sung by him.”
Noah is blushing as the crowd laughs lightly. “Now, he’s in a bit of a predicament because he wants to give her the world. So tonight, for the entire world to see, Noah is going to sing for his love, Amelia. Give it up for Noah, everyone.”
The girls at my table are squealing in happiness for me, and even Eli has a smile on his face. Noah catches my eyes and locks onto them.
“This was a decision made about five minutes after we got on stage tonight. If you noticed our pre-show huddle, this is what it was about. I hope you’ll excuse the cover song, but the words couldn’t express my feelings better. Amelia Grayson, this one’s for you, baby. I love you.”
I’ve never been so riddled with such emotional happiness. My heart is about to burst, and it’s taking everything I’ve got not to let the tears pooling behind my eyelids fall. When Noah launches into a cover of Make You Feel My Love by Bob Dylan, I get lost in his voice and lose the battle of the tears. It’s as if the words float on top of the smooth huskiness of his voice.
