Monkey Business

by Sarah Mlynowski

  “Huh?”

  “What did you do?”

  Better question would be who I did. “Not much.” Ain’t it the truth. It was Kimmy who did all the work. “You?”

  “I had a lousy day. Remember that exam I told you I was giving to my ninth-graders?”

  “Uh-huh.” If she says so. She’s always giving some sort of exam to one of her classes.

  “I caught two guys in the back cheating.”

  I tense at the C-word. “Yeah?”

  “They wrote the answers on their shoes. How did they think I wouldn’t notice? Do they think I’m an idiot?”

  My bed is still warm. So maybe she’s not so on the ball. “The nerve.”

  “I waited till the end of class before I confronted them. They tried to deny it, as if I couldn’t see the evidence on their shoes. I escorted them to Sheila’s office. She suspended them for two days. They cried like two-year-olds.”

  Odd that she’s chosen today to talk about cheating. If she asked me if I cheated right now, I’d admit it. Right now.

  “Russ?”

  Shit. “Yes?”

  “I love you.”

  “Me, too.”

  She yawns. “I’m tired. Time to hit the hay.”

  “Good night.”

  “Good night. Be good.”

  Too late.

  I need to sleep so I don’t have to think. Unfortunately, I haven’t gotten a full night’s sleep since I got to school. Lately, I’ve been able to get more sleep during the day than at night. Maybe I’m a bat. Batman. It’s the light in the hallway that keeps me up. It stays on twenty-four hours a day and the outline of the beam through my door is like an eclipse. Maybe I should tape the light out, eh? Make it a bat cave.

  Maybe Nick’s up. I think I’ll start calling him Robin.

  layla goes fruity

  Tuesday, November 11, 4:05 p.m.

  “It’s perfect.”

  “Really?” I ask.

  The career counselor looks at me across her desk and points a bitten fingernail. I want to recommend my manicurist to her, but that might be insulting. “Would you mind if I kept this on file as an example for others?” she asks.

  I puff up with pleasure. LWBS offers a résumé critique. Apparently, I have nothing to be critiqued. My cover letter and résumé are perfect, detailing A-plus work and nice, round 4.0’s. “Not at all. I’m flattered.”

  “Great,” she says, searching through her files until she finds one labeled Examples. “I’ll start sending potential summer jobs your way.” She winks. “Who knows? Maybe a good summer job will lead to something permanent. Graduation is still more than a year away, but won’t it be nice to have your life all sewn up way in advance?”

  It would. “Thanks.” I stand up and straighten my skirt.

  “No,” she says, giving me a meaningful look. “Thank you.”

  I’m smiling as I skip down the stairs of the Katz building and into the sunlight. It smells like crunching leaves and fresh new clothes. I can’t wait to go home for Thanksgiving so I can exchange my fall wardrobe for a winter one. I’ve placed a few items on hold at Bendel’s, including a heavenly mid-length sheepskin coat I saw in Vogue. I miss shopping in the city. I also miss the perpetual motion, the high-speed of important people rushing to important places.

  As I walk through campus to the library, I’m overwhelmed by all that I don’t miss about home-the barrenness, the concrete, the lack of natural color. Here, the red, yellow and orange leaves are a kaleidoscope of color. I’m walking through a Picasso. In the midst of it all, Jamie is leaning against a tree, reading.

  As usual, seeing him makes me feel guilty about making the recommendation for the hospital merger. How awful that I’m responsible for him losing his job. I should tell him. No, I can’t.

  I crouch beside him and glance at his reading material. It’s the script to Casablanca. “Hard at work?”

  He smiles when he sees me. “Layla,” he sings. “I bet you get pretty sick of hearing that Eric Clapton song, huh?”

  “Not if you’re singing,” I say, smiling. He doesn’t have a bad voice, actually.

  “Let me guess, off to the library?”

  “I have an exciting hour of Economics research, and then a group meeting.”

  He stuffs his paperback into his back pocket. “I’ve made a decision. No more reading for either of us. I’m going to teach you to juggle.”

  Juggle? That doesn’t sound like something that can go on my résumé. “How do you know how to juggle?”

  “My parents were in the circus.”

  Is he serious? “Come on.”

  “Fine, I made that up. They don’t let Jews in the circus.”

  I don’t know what to say about the Jews comment. He’s kidding again, right? “I bet you’re lying about juggling, too. I’ve only seen you throw one thing into the air at a time.”

  He wraps his fingers around my wrist. “It’s time for a lesson. Follow me.” I laugh and let him pull me. Oddly, I remember reading something about juggling in the paper, that it enhances your brainpower. In which case, I suppose it could be beneficial.

  “Where are you taking me?”

  He leads me all the way to the cafeteria.

  “Will we be juggling M &M’s?” I ask.

  “Stella!” he says, voice booming, to the woman at the cash.

  “Hi, Jamie!”

  She knows his name? He knows hers? Who introduces himself to the cafeteria people?

  He sets his elbows onto the counter. “Stella, my sweet, do you have any oranges today?”

  “I should think so.” She rifles through a basket of fruit. “How many do you need?”

  He holds up two fingers. “I think three would be a good start.”

  He is too weird.

  She laughs and cherry-picks the best oranges. “Are you making juice?”

  “I’m teaching Layla here how to juggle. Layla, do you know Stella?”

  “Hi,” I say, suddenly shy.

  “Hello,” she says. “You’re the one who always has her nose in a textbook.”

  “How much do I owe you?” asks Jamie.

  She winks. “Don’t worry about it. It’s your reward for getting this serious one to have some fun.”

  I follow him to the courtyard outside, and he stands directly beside me so our legs touch. “We’ll start with one orange,” he says, dropping the other two onto the ground. “I’m going to throw it to you, and you’re going to catch it. And then you’re going to throw it back. Got it?”

  “Sounds simple enough. I should warn you that I’ll probably be good at this. I have excellent aim. Remember that season when Disneyland closed?”

  “Can’t say that I do,” he says, tossing the orange from one hand to the other. “Why?”

  “It was because I’d cleaned them out of all their stuffed animals.”

  He laughs and then throws the orange up, up, up in the air, and it squishes when I catch it. It’s heavier than I expected and cold. I toss it back and it soars way beyond his head. A few feet beyond. “Oops.”

  “The catching is easy, focus on the throwing. Make a nice easy arc.”

  Nice, easy arc. Can do. He throws it again and I catch it. Then I throw it back to him, in a nice, easy arc. He catches it. Yes! We go back and forth until he tells me it’s time for the next lesson. “We’re adding an orange. Keep doing exactly what you’re doing.” He throws the first one and I catch it. Yes! Then I focus on throwing it. Unfortunately, that’s when the second orange flies through the air at me. Slam. I miss it by miles.

  Am I juggling deficient? Why can’t I do this? My heart starts to flutter nervously. “What’s wrong with me?”

  Jamie laughs. “Nothing. You’re new at it.”

  Big deal. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be able to master it. “Perhaps if I saw you do it, I could learn by example. Let me see you.”

  He gathers the three oranges and starts juggling. Wow. It’s just a matter of aerodynamics. I can do thi
s. If I can stop a company from going bankrupt, I can certainly stop an orange from smacking the ground.

  We try again. I wonder if Bradley Green can juggle. He certainly has a lot of brainpower. I drop the orange and it hits the ground.

  “Layla,” he sings. “You’re not concentrating. What are you thinking about?”

  I blush. “Sorry.”

  “Sorry? You were thinking sorry?”

  We try again. My hand smells like citrus. Should I tell Jamie about Brad? Why not? Maybe I should get a man’s perspective. “No. I was thinking about some guy. A guy who doesn’t know I’m alive.”

  “I doubt that.”

  So true in this case. “No, really. I’ve never even met him.”

  He raises an eyebrow. “Huh?”

  I know I shouldn’t tell, but it’s not like Jamie’s going to pass along the info to anyone. And I haven’t done anything wrong. I wasn’t the one to call him. “All right, but you can’t repeat any of this. See, I’m on the applications committee for prospective students. And I fell a little bit in love with one of the applicants.”

  He rolls one of the oranges between his hands. “You fell for a guy’s application?”

  Why do I have such a big mouth? “Yes. Bradley Green. Is that nuts?”

  “As long as his middle name isn’t Forest. Or Jade. It isn’t, is it?”

  He’s too much. “Nope.”

  “Do you think you can love someone you’ve only seen on paper?”

  He makes Brad sound like a centerfold I’ve taped to my locker. “I know it sounds moronic, but I felt a connection when I read his application. Like I was destined to read it. He’s perfect for me. He’s my prince.” That sounded sophomoric in my head, and it sounded even worse out loud, but that doesn’t mean I can’t imagine our glorious royal wedding.

  “I’m glad you didn’t read my application. It was hysterical. You would have started stalking me, too. Let’s keep going, you almost had it.” He passes me an orange.

  Forty minutes later, we’re still juggling away and I’m improving. Pass, throw, catch, Pass, throw, catch. I’m having a blast even though my hands reek of orange. I think the citrus might be making me high. My brainpower must be increasing. Yes! Perhaps I should start doing this every day.

  “Ready to try it on your own?” he asks.

  I nod, very ready and very seriously. He places my feet shoulder-width apart and inserts two oranges into my right hand, one into my left. I fill my lungs with air and throw.

  They all hit me in the head.

  “Crap!” I scream, falling to the ground. I spot Kimmy and Russ approaching and wave. What is it with those two? Kimmy hasn’t filled me in on what’s going on with them since the spin-the-bottle experience, presumably because of my disapproval over their kissing fiesta. But I bet they’ve been at it again.

  “What are you two doing?” Kimmy asks, running her fingers along her ear.

  “I’m learning to juggle,” I say. Uh-oh. I wonder how Jamie feels about seeing Russ and Kimmy together. I know from Kimmy that Jamie likes her, but I don’t think Jamie has a clue about what’s going on with Russ. Why on earth is she so fixated on Russ, when Jamie is such a sweetheart?

  Jamie is rolling an orange in his hand, staring at it.

  “Jamie,” Russ says, “we’re thinking of going over our OB assignment now. Don’t want to interrupt you, of course. Busy, eh?”

  “Ha-ha,” Jamie says. “As if the rest of you could answer the questions without me.”

  I look at my watch. “Crap, it’s already five past five! I’m supposed to meet my group.”

  “You’re late for a group meeting?” Kimmy says, feigning shock. “My, oh, my, you two must have really been having fun.”

  “You want fun, Kimmy? I’ll give you fun.” Jamie raises his eyebrows suggestively.

  We’re going to have to work on his presentation. He obviously didn’t pay enough attention in IC. “Hey there’s Dorothy!” I say, waving at the Carry the Torch administrator across the field. “Yoo-hoo, Dorothy!” I call. “Let me introduce you.”

  “You know what, Layla?” Jamie says, grabbing his bag. “I gotta go.”

  And just like that, he takes off. What was that about? Apparently, we have to work on his communication as well as his presentation skills.

  kimmy knows the drill

  Tuesday, November 18, 11:20 p.m.

  Another day, another blow job.

  I’m getting cynical in my old age. It’s almost eleven-thirty, and Russ and I are lying on his bed, wrapped in each other’s arms, as though we have just made love and are now basking in the afterglow.

  Wrong. We’re still not having sex. We kiss, we fondle and we oral, but that’s it.

  These dates give a whole new meaning to foreplay, but I’m beginning to get a little annoyed. Yeah, yeah, he reciprocates the favor, but since I can’t come, I don’t get much pleasure. The thing I like about sex is the closeness. While you’re doing it, nothing else matters, nothing but the weight of his body, the smell of his neck, the feel of his skin.

  My favorite part is now, listening to his heartbeat slowing down, my head nuzzled in his chest. He’s wearing a T-shirt but no pants, and I’m completely naked. Sometimes he plays with my ear. It’s the same spot that I like to play with and I think this must be a sign.

  The Zoo is quiet, and there are a few noises outside, a car driving off, two friends laughing, but they’re in the distance. Any second now the phone is going to ring, furious and loud, demolishing the harmony, like a wineglass slipping out of your hand onto the tiled kitchen floor. Any second now. His clock says 11:29 p.m. and she always calls at eleven-thirty.

  If I had any self-respect I’d make a furtive exit. I’d kiss him on the forehead, tell him we’ll speak soon, or something equally evasive, and let the phone ring when I’m long gone.

  I don’t move. The thing is, I need to hear the phone. If a phone rings and I don’t hear it, did it really ring at all? Hearing the phone ring is my only way of monitoring the relationship. I wait for the day when the phone will stop ringing.

  Ring.

  I guess it’s not today.

  Ring. Ring. Voice mail picks up.

  Russ’s back tenses. Then he forces himself to relax. At eleven-forty I kiss him on the forehead. “See you tomorrow,” I say, and reach for my crumpled panties and socks, which always end up squeezed between the corner of the bed and the heater. I get dressed quickly and quietly.

  “Good night,” he says. I press my head against the door to see if I can hear anything outside. I’m holding a textbook as my alibi in case anyone is lurking in the hallway. Nothing. I open the door a crack and don’t see anyone outside. I wave, and close the door behind me. Then I wait. After a few minutes, I hear him move inside. He listens to the message. And then dials her number into the phone. “Hi,” he says. “I’m good… No…nothing new… You?”

  I hear someone walking up the stairs, and decide to take off before I’m caught eavesdropping. What I should be doing, instead of eavesdropping and giving blow jobs, is writing my cover letter and résumé. I think I want to be a consultant. Sounds glamorous. Lots of travel, high salary, get to be based in New York. Get to play with goals and tactics and strategies all day long. I’m applying to all the strategy consultant firms, including Bain, McKinsey, Accenture, BCG and O’Donnel.

  Back in my closet of a room, I flip open my laptop. The job I really want is that of girlfriend. But before I can get that job, Russ has to fire the person currently hogging my position. I’m hoping he’ll lay her off over Thanksgiving.

  I really don’t feel like writing a cover letter. Maybe this is what I’ll write instead:

  HR Jerk

  100 Skyscraper, #666

  New York, NY 69696

  212-no-chance

  Kimmy Nailer

  The Zoo

  1-555-AMB-ORED

  Dear Mr. HR:

  A consistent objective throughout my life has been to acquire skills that will
not in any way, shape or form help me get a job. Such as Pilates and blow jobs. I believe that my skill set can be successfully leveraged as a Summer Associate at your incredibly boring place of work.

  Upon graduating from college, I worked for my father in a job I detested, where I spent most of the day phoning my boyfriend. Then the jackass cheated on me and I came to business school to find a new boyfriend.

  I possess strong interpersonal skills (two guys in my learning group want me) that I believe would be an asset to you. My experience demonstrates the ability to plan and execute in-depth seducing strategies, with results-oriented goals. I’m hoping the guy I’ve been hooking up with will dump his girlfriend over Thanksgiving. Why wouldn’t he, right? He’s obviously not too interested in her if he’s been hooking up with me. Not sleeping with me, mind you, as that’s where he arbitrarily draws the line. But I’m assuming he hasn’t wanted to break up with her over the phone (he’s sensitive and considerate) and will take care of it this weekend in person. I’m sure you agree that this is his best plan of action.

  Should you also agree that my competencies would make a strong contribution to your organization, I would appreciate the opportunity to further discuss my experience and goals at your convenience. My résumé is attached for your review.

  I look forward to hearing from you.

  Sincerely,

  Kimmy Nailer

  P. S. If you perform drug-testing for summer employment, don’t bother getting back to me. It’s a long story, but the guy I’ve been hooking up with smokes a lot of pot, and in order to prove to him that I’m more agreeable than the prude he actually does cross the line with back home, I’ve had to do some puffing myself. I wish I could tell you that although I smoke, I don’t inhale, but that would make me a liar as well as a boyfriend-poacher, and I do have some ethics, after all. Who knew?

  jamie wants a sex change/jamie wants sex, period

  Thursday, November 20, 7:00 p.m.