by Michelle Lee
I squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop. I need to run. I need to get as far away, as far as I can. I can’t. My body won’t move. Please… please… don’t… please… I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. My hands clutch at my throat. Clawing. Trying desperately to get air any way possible. Run. I need to run. Run. The dark tendrils invade and wrap around me, holding me prisoner. I can’t run. I can never run. I open my eyes and see nothing but him. Blake. I’m so cold. So cold.
Warm hands grip my face. “Jules? Jules?” Voices sound muffled as if they’re under water. I want to respond, to yell… to scream. But there’s no air. I can’t.
“Jules? Jules?”
“I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”
I am weightless. I am floating. I’m dying. He’s won. He owns me still.
I hear voices all around me. Some nearby. Some are distant. I try to listening closely, to make out what they are saying. I catch bits and pieces—nothing makes sense.
“Get us out of here. Now!”
He has me. He won’t let me go. Ever.
“That limo better be out front by the time we get there.”
“I will kill you before I let you go.” His calloused hand wraps around my throat, squeezing. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.
“Russell, get us the fuck out of here! Do what I fucking pay you to do.”
“Jules? Jules?”
“You think you can leave me? Do you?” The sting of his hand across my cheek makes my vision blur.
I hear screaming voices everywhere. They surround me. I clutch my ears, trying to block them out.
“The limo’s right out front. Alex and Rick have cleared a path. Go! Go!”
“You can never go. I’ll find you, Julia. I’ll find you.”
The darkness consumes me completely. I’m lost, and no one can find me.
“I’ll always find you.”
It’s quiet. There’s a humming sound, and it feels somewhat comforting, slowing lulling me into a sense of being safe. It vibrates through me—rocking me. I smell leather and spice. I feel warmth surround me. The darkness starts to recede.
“Let the girls know I had to get Jules out of there. She had a panic attack. Tell them whatever you need to. Just let them know she’s safe and I’ve got her.” I hear a beep. “Johnny, take us to Marty’s, will ya.”
“Sure, Dash. Everything okay?”
“I don’t know. I hope it will be. Jules, can you hear me, Sunshine? Sunshine? Fuck.”
I want to answer back. I will myself to do so, but nothing will come out. I’m frozen, unable to escape the onslaught of images and his voice in my head. Gentle arms wrap around me and pull me close. A heart beats rapidly in my ear. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re safe.”
Warmth blankets me. My vision begins to clear, and I start to recognize my surroundings. A soft glow illuminates the mostly dark space. The scent of ocean and musk invade my senses. It’s familiar and comforting. I blink rapidly, trying to lift the fog and darkness that’s shrouded me. And I am met with brilliant blue. I blink again, my eyes focusing. Blue eyes stare back at me. “Sunshine? Are you with me?” The warm, rich timber of the voice envelops me. I feel safe. I squeeze my eyes tight, and when I open them, everything is in rich clarity.
“Dash?”
“There’s my girl. I’ve got you. You’re safe. It’s going to be okay.”
“Dash?” Why am I with Dash? How did we get in… I glance around… a limo. What happened? And like a tidal wave, it crashes into me.
“Shhhh, it’s okay. I’m here, Sunshine. I’ve got you.”
Dash holds me in his lap, rocking me back and forth. A droplet of water splashes on my leather pants. It’s then I realize I’m crying.
“You’re safe, Sunshine, you’re safe. Just let it go. Let it go. I’m here. I’m here.” I believe him, and I let it go. I grip Dash’s shirt and bury my face in the crook of his neck while he holds me tight, rubbing soothing circles on my back. I let it all go for the first time in a long time.
AS THE LIMO travels the streets, the panic inside slowly begins to recede. My mind starts to find clarity and the darkness ebbs. My rapid heart slows, and my breathing comes out in pants. I’m all cried out. Realization hits that I am in Dash’s arms. A new panic starts to settle in as I attempt to get out of his lap.
“Sunshine, it’s okay. You’re safe. Be still. I’ve got you. I just want to hold you a little longer.” His voice is tender. His arms wrap tighter around me, holding me closer to him.
A lump builds in my throat, and I fight back against the emotion his voice has suddenly caused. I lean into him, and his arms tighten around me further. I can’t help but notice how I fit in his arms like they were made for me. And I realize that I feel protected and safe. Dash’s words repeat in my head— “I’ve got you. You’re safe.” I believe him with every fiber of my being. A sense of calm washes over me as I settle further into him, knowing what he’s said is true.
The limo pulls into the parking lot of a place called Marty’s Diner. Dash still holds me even though the limo has stopped. For whatever reason, he’s not letting go and getting out. He inhales deeply and squeezes me tight. “You okay?” I don’t say anything; my throat feels raw, so I nod. “I’m going to let go of you now. But I’m here, I’m right here. If you’re up for it I’d like to take you inside and get us something to eat. I think it will do us both some good. Are you up for that? If not, I can just take you home.”
I swallow and find my voice. It sounds foreign to me. “I’m… I’m okay.”
“You’re sure? I won’t be offended if you want to go home. I want you feeling safe, and if that’s not with me right now, I will understand, Sunshine.”
He’s made me feel safer than I have in such a long time. Being with him, being near him… I can’t explain it. “You… I do feel safe. I… I want to stay… with you.”
I feel his lips twitch against my hair. “Good. But if you begin to feel otherwise, let me know.”
I nod. Dash hugs me to him, and I feel his lips kiss my head. The gesture is tender and comforting. I take a shaky breath as I climb out of his embrace. I instantly feel the loss of his warmth. Part of me wants to crawl back into his lap and tell him to never let me go. I feel his eyes on me, and I turn my gaze to his. His blue eyes hold so much emotion, too many to name as they hold me. His lips twitch, his smile is reassuring, and not that drop your panties one I’ve seen most of the night. I’m beginning to learn that Dash Ford is a man of many faces—or smiles, to be more accurate.
The door opens and Dash gets out, offering me his hand. A jolt courses through me when my hand meets his. He looks down at our joined hands and back to me, confusion in his eyes. Did he feel it too? He grips my hand tighter and then pulls it to his lips, placing a tender kiss to each knuckle. And I melt yet again, thanks to the charming ways of Dash Ford.
“Come on, let’s get you something to eat. I’m pretty sure you could use some food after the amount of alcohol you consumed.” He gives me that sexy smile and winks. I’m thankful things feel like they did before. He’s not treating me with kid gloves, like I’m ready to break into a million pieces. His normalcy puts me at ease even further, and I can’t help but go with it.
“I didn’t drink that much.”
Dash quirks an eyebrow, challenging my response. “Okay, maybe just a little more than usual.” His eyebrow raises further. “Okay, fine. More than usual, and the hard stuff. Usually I just stick to wine. I was just… just…” What? I just what? Wanted to forget what today was by any means possible? Wanted to feel something other than the norm? Wanted to embrace what Tracy and Val were trying to do and give me with going to this concert?
“I understand, Sunshine, more than you know.” Dash leans in and places the sweetest kiss on my forehead—his lips lingering longer than expected before he pulls away. “Come on, you are going to love the burgers here. Marty makes the best ones in town. I promise.” In th
at instant, Dash goes from sexy rock star to guy next door. Heat blooms in my chest as he pulls me along and inside. I am learning as the night goes on that Dash Ford was a contradiction—an enigma. And I want more than anything to figure him out, but I have a feeling I never will.
We enter the diner, and I feel like I’ve been transported to another place and time. Deco-neon lights in pink and turquoise wrap around the walls of the place. A juke box plays oldies in the corner. The booths are wrapped in black and white vinyl. Chrome covers any surface it can. How did I not know about this place? A large, grey-haired woman stands behind the counter with her back to us, getting some coffee. A few patrons are scattered about, but other than them, the place is fairly empty. The waitress turned to give a man at the counter his coffee when her gaze falls on us. “My, my, my, look what the cat dragged in. Marty, the prodigal son returns home.” she calls over her shoulder.
I look up at Dash in confusion and then glance back at the woman. “How are you doing, Helen? It’s been a long time.”
“By long time, you mean at least a year, if not more. It’s good to see you, kid. I’m good. Getting older but still doing better than you know who.”
“I heard that,” a voice yells from the pass through behind the counter.
“I know you did. I meant for you to.”
Dash shakes his head. “Some things never change.”
“Ahhh, that’s where you’re wrong, Dash, Mr. Big-Time-Rock-Star. Some things do change.” The waitress, Helen, comes around the counter and heads straight for Dash. Her eyes are a brilliant green against her salt and pepper hair. She is on the heavier side, but not overly so. A smile as wide as the Grand Canyon is plastered on her face and grows, if that is possible, the closer she gets. Dash lets go of my hand and embraces the woman. She hugs him tight, and he returns it, lifting her feet off the floor.
“Dash, put me down before you give yourself a hernia.” Then she turns her attention to me. “And who do we have here?”
“Helen, this is my… this is…” Dash actually blushes, not sure what to call me.
I reach out my hand. “Hi, I’m Dash’s friend, Jules.”
“Nonsense.” And with that, Helen pulls me into a warm embrace. I hesitate, but then my arms reach around her and hug her back. It feels familiar, feels motherly. A lump forms in my throat, and I will tears not to make an appearance—holding them at bay with all my might. I swallow, forcing the lump back down, my throat constricting around it. I don’t know if Helen senses something, but she pulls me tighter and then lets go. Our eyes meet, and all I see is understanding.
“She’s a keeper, Dash. You be good to her.” Helen gets all serious. I feel a deep blush take over my cheeks.
“I will, Helen, I will.” Dash smiles down at me and intertwines his fingers with mine, giving a little squeeze.
Helen looks to our adjoined hands and smiles. “Okay, so, go grab a booth. Do you want your usual?”
“Absolutely. Two, actually.”
“Marty, two Dash specials.” Helen smiles and heads to a waiting customer.
I follow Dash as he maneuvers around the empty tables to a booth toward the back; no one is around. He slides in, and I take my seat opposite him.
“I hope it was okay that I ordered for you. I don’t want you to think…”
“It’s fine.” And it is fine. I know in the past… but this is completely different. Dash isn’t trying to control; he was just being polite and helpful. I give myself an internal pat on the back. I recognize it’s a step in the right direction. After my earlier freak-out, this didn’t affect me. It didn’t take me back. Dash makes me feel safe. It’s weird since we’ve only just met, but there’s just something about him I can’t quite put my finger on.
A silence settles around us. The music is muted in the background. I play with the napkin in front of me, twirling and twisting it. Dash’s hand reaches out and covers my movement. “Are you okay?”
I look up, expecting to find annoyance or maybe even pity, but all I find is concern in his eyes. When I don’t answer right away, Dash continues. “I brought you here for several reasons, one of them being it’s private. No one will bother us here. I want you to know that if you want to talk about what happened back at the club, I’m here, and I understand. It’s not the first…” His words trail off, and Dash gets this faraway look in his eyes. It’s like he’s remembering something.
I stop fiddling with the napkin and grasp his hand—his fingers slide in between mine. His touch gives me strength, gives me courage. I swallow before I get the words out. “I… I had a pan—”
Before I can finish the word that feels as though it’s choking me, Dash completes it for me. “Panic attack. My sister used to get them, but that was a long time ago. Your reaction to me, Sunshine, I’m not gonna lie… it scared the shit out of me.” He swallows, his eyes glancing to the table before he focuses them back to me. And when he does, something’s shifted. His eyes show nothing but pain and regret. He goes to release my hand, looking away, but I won’t let him. I grip him tighter and squeeze. His eyes flash to mine in confusion.
“Dash, it wasn’t your fault…”
“I was your trigger, Sunshine. Well, maybe not me specifically, but my actions. And I am so, so sorry I was. It kills me right now to know that. And I’m being a fucking selfish bastard by keeping you with me. I shouldn’t. You shouldn’t be here with me after what happened, but I can’t let you go. I can’t let you go, even though I should.”
Trigger? His words cut right through to my heart, just like his lyrics did earlier tonight. How can he think that? How can he when it was him that calmed me? It was him that kept me from completely losing myself to the darkness. I can’t let him think that.
“Dash, no, it wasn’t you. I… today… today is a… a difficult day for me, and I’ve been on edge since I got back… but what happened has nothing to do with you. You have to know that you’ve helped me so much tonight… the… the way… the limo…” I feel tears threatening, and my voice cracks.
In a flash, Dash is at my side, cradling me in his arms. “Shhhh… shhhh… no more talking about what happened, okay? When it’s not so raw, if you want to share with me, I’ll be there to listen. But for now we’ll let it just be, okay?”
I nod and slowly begin to calm. And it’s because of him. How can he not see that? But I’m tired of being like this in front of him. I pull myself together, not wanting to ruin our night any further. I push away my current feelings and reach for all the strength I have inside. I lean away from Dash, and his hand cradles my cheek. I can’t help but smile at him. “There’s my Sunshine.” My smile widens. Dash leans in and kisses my forehead, his lips soft and tender. His lips linger, and I relish them on me. What is this man doing to me? He presses his lips to me one more time before pulling away. His thumb sweeps under my eye, erasing the residual wetness. His eyes travel my face before landing on my lips. My breathing hitches. Dash draws closer to me, and right when I think he’s going to finally kiss me—kiss me on the lips—he pulls away, clearing his throat. He slides out and back to his side of the booth. I instantly feel the loss of him.
Dash adjusts his silverware and looks around the room before turning his attention back to me. There’s a shift in the atmosphere; the previous seriousness has evaporated. “So, I take it tonight was your first rock concert?”
His question throws me for a second, but then I realize Dash is shifting our night back to normal, and I can’t thank him enough for letting what happened go. “What makes you think that?”
“You didn’t seem into it like your friend, Tracy. And well, Val was there for business reasons. I get the feeling you were dragged along. Although unwillingly at first, but I think as the night progressed you had a change of heart.” Dash is very perceptive. It kind of throws me for a second.
“Well, you would be right. You were my first… I mean your concert… your concert was my first. I mean I’ve done… Oh God, just kill me now…” I could kick
myself right about now. What a way to embarrass yourself, Jules.
Dash chuckles, a deep throaty kind of chuckle, and it goes straight to my core. “I’m glad I’m your first… concert, that is.” And cue the melt-inducing smile. If he keeps this up, by the time I get home I will be just a puddle.
“Can we just…” I thank whoever because Helen shows up with drinks, saving me from further mortification.
“Is he behaving himself, honey? If not, you let me know and I will take care of my boy.” Helen sounds stern but there’s a playful gleam in her tone.
“He is.”
“Good. Your burgers will be up in a sec.”
Dash watches her walk away, shaking his head.
“I take it Helen and you go way back?” I unwrap my straw and take a long sip. The sweet, sugary, cold soft drink feels and tastes so good. It’s a welcomed change from the alcohol I consumed all night.
Dash nods. “Me and the guys would come here almost every time after a gig. It was like our home away from. Helen and Marty kinda took us in as their long lost sons. They’re family, although I haven’t been back here in a long time; not since things started to take off for us. But I thought this was the perfect place for the quiet. Plus at this time of night, it’s just a few regulars hanging around.”
“It’s perfect.” And it is. I look around, and for some reason I can see Dash and the guys hanging out here after they’ve played at a club. This place suits him. I feel honored that he thought to bring me here, to show me a small piece of him. Also this place is perfect—Dash knew exactly what I needed.
