“You still could.”
“Never even crossed my mind. I love my job. One of my professors used to say: social workers stand on the front lines, in the trenches.”
“Boots on the ground.”
“Exactly.” Etta cleared her throat. “Grady had me at a disadvantage. We’re just built differently. He didn’t want to be a lawyer to help other people, Grady was in it for the money and the fame.”
“He’s selfish.”
“Yeah, and I didn’t know how to handle Grady’s lies or his cruelty. Once I burned dinner. I mean, really scorched it, worse than the spaghetti I made for you. Grady forced me to eat the entire thing, bite by bite, all the while tellin’ me what a lousy cook I am. He said he was teachin’ me a lesson, but he enjoyed demeanin’ me.”
And what’s more, she’d let him get away with it. It was humiliating. Not only the memory, but because she’d allowed it to happen in the first place.
“Don’t blame yourself.”
“I try not to, but it’s hard to accept my behavior.” And give herself grace for the mistakes she’d made. “I’m not the same person I used to be, but Grady clearly is.”
Justice nodded.
“He found so many cruel ways to control me. Once, he was upset because I dressed up to go out with my friends, and he accused me of runnin’ around with other men. We’d planned on seein’ a movie, but I couldn’t go after he blackened my eye. There’d be too many questions to answer.” She touched her cheekbone, remembering how it had felt when he’d struck her. “I didn’t know what to tell the girls.”
“Didn’t anyone figure out what was goin’ on?”
“They figured it out, but I did my best to hide it because I was ashamed. I lied to my parents and my friends. I was embarrassed to admit I’d made a huge mistake.” Etta had gone to great lengths to hide the abuse.
“I understand not tellin’ anyone. I felt the same way.”
“Like if I didn’t talk about it, then it never happened?”
Justice sighed. “It’s delusional, but it works.”
“At least in the short term. You know, every single one of them told me marryin’ Grady was a mistake. They said I should get to know him better, and they were right.”
“We’re all hotheads at eighteen or nineteen. When I told my parents I was gonna enlist, they encouraged me to explore all my options, before committin’ to anythin’. But I was hell-bent on it. I wanted to be just like my granddad and my father. And we both know how it turned out.” He groaned. “What about your neighbors?”
She lifted a shoulder. “They called the police a half dozen times, but I never cooperated. I was too afraid, of what Grady would do to me after they left.” Looking back on it, she should’ve made a report a long time ago. “I always thought one day Grady would get carried away, and then it would all be over.” Etta laughed bitterly. “He probably would’ve told the cops I’d fallen down the stairs.”
“Think the police would’ve believed him?”
“Of course, he comes from a well to do family and was studyin’ to be a lawyer. Besides, Grady could be very charmin’, and then turn around and be sadistic, like a regular Jekyll and Hyde.” Etta scrubbed a hand down her face.
“Did you ever fight back?”
“In the beginnin’, but whenever I showed any backbone, he’d only get meaner, and even more heartless. He used to talk about the practice of bride burning in India.”
“I’m not familiar with it, but you said he was a firebug.”
“Yeah, and Grady had this sick sort of fascination with lightin’ women on fire.” Yet another sign that Grady was disturbed. “Basically, a husband’s family burns a woman to death because her folks refused to pay enough dowry. It’s this whole bullshit patriarchal deal, where women as seen as a burden, not as a contributin’ member of society. Accordin’ to Grady, I would’ve been burned alive in India because I came to our marriage with nothin’.”
As if all of the work she did around the house, had no value. Or maybe, in his eyes, she had no value.
Etta shivered, remembering the way he’d hold a match, when lighting the stove, waving it around.
I outta light you up, Etta.
“I’ve had so many nightmares about bein’ set on fire.”
Etta used to wake up screaming, imagining flames shooting up the walls. Smoke clogged her throat and then her lungs. In her nightmares, doors and windows were always locked, and she couldn’t get outside no matter what she did. Etta would pound on them, screaming for help. The flames licked her skin, melting it, turning her into ash, and the agony was unbearable.
And nobody ever came to rescue her.
“Some people get off on inflictin’ pain.”
She swallowed. “It certainly seemed to work for Grady. After batterin’ me, he always wanted to have sex.” Tears burned in her eyes and she blinked them away. Her stomach clenched. “Sometimes, when I close my eyes, I can feel him inside me, and it makes me want to vomit.”
After stripping her bare emotionally, brutalizing her, he removed her clothing too, and then fucked her. It was raw and debasing, and just a step or two above rape. Even thinking about it, made her shake. No wonder she hadn’t been interested in men for so long.
In silent sympathy, Justice laid a hand on her back. He listened and empathized with her because he’d survived his own horrors. Although he hadn’t told her everything yet, Etta just knew, could sense his anguish.
“What pushed you to leave?”
“For weeks, I’d been lookin’ up information on domestic violence, educatin’ myself.”
“Preparin’ to run?”
“I think so, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. That particular night, I knew when Grady got home, I’d be gettin’ a beatin’. Things weren’t going well at school, and he’d just gotten his semester grades. The anxiety was too much for me, and I ran out of the house. Grady had the car, so I took off on foot. The shelter was five miles away, and I hoofed it the entire way. It didn’t last long though, I went right back.”
“Why?
“Grady turned on the charm again. Once more, he was sweet as pie, reachin’ out to my friends and family, sayin’ he wanted me back, and how much he loved me. Like an idiot, I believed him, because I wanted it to be true. I figured I’d given him a wakeup call, and Grady would get some help.”
“But he still hit you.”
“Yes, because he’s an abuser.” She shook her head. “I went to the shelter two more times, tryin’ to leave him, but I always went back. Until that last time.”
“What finally did it?”
“It’s a long story, and I’m exhausted.” Etta straightened, and then brought her legs up to her chest and looped her arms over them. “We’ll tackle it another time.”
“I’m sorry if I pushed you too much.”
“You didn’t.”
“Thank you for trustin’ me.”
Every time she discussed her past, it took a smidge of the fear and ache away, but it still stung, like cleaning a wound with rubbing alcohol.
“Justice…” She lost her nerve.
“What? Tell me.”
“Please don’t hurt me, I couldn’t take it.” Etta realized she had a lot of faith in this man, and it frightened her.
“I will never ever hurt you. I’d rather die.” Justice pulled her into a hug.
Etta inhaled the earthy scent of him and closed her eyes. They held one another for the longest time, and Etta knew he’d never use his strength against her.
After a while, she reluctantly pulled away.
“It’s your turn to talk.”
Chapter Fourteen
Justice didn’t even know where to begin, or how much he wanted to say.
Part of him wanted to come clean with her, tell Etta everything, but he wasn’t ready. She’d been brave, shared her past with him, and he owed her the same courtesy. So he’d pick and choose what he told her, for now.
The men who’d cap
tured him had a cruel streak, too, as though playing mind games, fucking with him was enjoyable. Justice didn’t understand it. He took other men out before, but didn’t relish the kill, didn’t play with them beforehand—it was quick and clean.
“I told you we’d been captured.”
She nodded.
“We were held for about three months. It’s a miracle I survived. Every damn day, I got beaten, stabbed, electrocuted.”
He still didn’t know if they’d done any permanent damage. The VA had given him a clean bill of health, but who knows what the future held. Like professional football players, the consequences might manifest in his old age. Dementia from all the head blows. Not to mention, all of the trauma his body had endured.
“But the torture wasn’t the worst of it.”
“What was?”
“I failed to save the man I was imprisoned with.” Justice bowed his head. “It isn’t the whole truth, and I never want to lie to you, but I’m the reason he’s dead.”
She frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I…caused his death.” Justice couldn’t say any more about the particulars. “Bulldog died in my arms, and I should’ve protected him. It should’ve been me instead.”
“I’m sorry.” Etta placed a hand over her mouth.
“Me too. I’ve relived the night over and over again for years, in my nightmares, or whenever I stop and think. I keep wonderin’ what I could’ve done differently. And most of all, I don’t know why he died, and I’m still alive. None of it makes sense.”
“You’ll drive yourself crazy thinkin’ like that.”
“I know, but up until we were taken, none of the men in my unit died in the line of duty. We used to be so damn proud of it too. We even bragged about our casualty rate, sayin’ we had our shit together.”
“Hubris bit you on the ass.”
“In the worst way.” Maybe they should’ve kept their fucking mouths shut.
“I wish you hadn’t gone through it all.”
“Me too.” But there was nothing he could do to change it.
“What was Bulldog like?”
Justice, grinned, remembering. “He was brand-new to the unit, and we made him pay his dues, and then some. We had Bulldog fetchin’ stuff for us, cleanin’ our guns, and polishin’ our boots.” It was a tradition, and the new guy had to put up with it, until another recruit arrived. Then he was off the hook.
“Why’d you call him Bulldog?”
“Because he had one at home named Snaggletooth, and his fiancée used to send these god-awful pictures of the damn thing.” He chuckled. “I swear he loved that dog like a son.”
He swallowed, as another memory smacked him in the face. The USO and the military spouses made a big deal of every homecoming—parades, and food, and all the family members came, even the four-legged variety.
Snaggletooth had howled when Bulldog hadn’t come home with the rest of them, just sat on its haunches, and bawled. He could still recall the sound, and it sent a shiver up his spine. Almost like the dog was channeling Justice’s inner anguish.
Justice wanted another joint, maybe a shot or two of whiskey.
Enough.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore tonight.”
“Agreed.” She gave a jaw-cracking yawn. “We’re both a mess, huh?”
“Yup, hopeless.” His tone was light and teasing, despite the plain truth of it.
“Scarred.”
“Tell you what, since we’re bein’ open with one another.” Justice leaned back against the headboard. “Show me yours, and I’ll show you mine.”
“Show you what, exactly?”
“Your scars.”
“I’m…ugly.” She glanced down at her body.
Is that how she saw herself? Nothing could be further from the truth.
“No, you’re gorgeous, and you don’t have to be shy around me. As a matter of fact, I think you’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen.”
Etta shook her head. “You don’t know about all the marks Grady left on me, both inside and out.”
Justice called her bluff. “Try me. Come on, we built the trust tonight.”
“I don’t know.” Her eyes narrowed as she studied him.
“You’ve seen the one on my leg. I’m every bit as flawed as you. Hell, more so, and I’ll love your imperfections.”
“Ah, so you’re sayin’ we’re both flawesome.”
“Flawesome?”
She shrugged. “Saw the word on Instagram somewhere.”
Justice could tell she was trying to make light of it, to cover up how scary this was. He wanted to make her comfortable around him, show Etta that her fears had no basis in reality.
“No, don’t make a joke. I’m takin’ this seriously, and so should you.”
“You really wanna see?”
He nodded.
After a moment, she lifted her chin. “Fine, I’ll show you. Take a look at my back.” Etta turned away from him and peeled up the edges of her shirt.
He hissed a breath between his teeth, as her skin was revealed.
“After Grady got drunk and we had a screamin’ match, he hauled me into the bedroom, tossed me on the bed and held me down.” Her tone was bitter. “And then he painstakingly carved his name into my back. I felt every single curve, every line.” She cleared her throat. “I cried and screamed and pleaded with him to stop, but he refused.”
And sure enough, smack dab between her shoulder blades was the prick’s name. The scars were pink and faded, like the ones on his own leg, but the letters were unmistakable. She’d always wear Grady’s marks on her body.
“That son of a bitch cut into you.” His fingers curled into fists. Justice knew the agony of hard steel thrust into tender flesh, the way it ripped through the skin, tearing a person apart. At least Jeff hadn’t been a loved one. It made the violation she’d experienced all the more indefensible.
“Grady told me he was markin’ his property so everyone would know who I belonged to, and I’d never forget it either. And whenever I see it in the mirror, I picture his face, and I can’t help but think about Grady. He branded me for life.” She shivered.
“I know you want to end this by legal means, but I wanna take care of Grady for you.”
Hmph. Maybe Ten wasn’t wrong after all.
“No. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t give a damn what happens to him. Grady doesn’t deserve any mercy, but I don’t want you gettin’ into trouble over him. He could already have you charged with assault, and he’s petty enough to pursue it.”
Bring it on. Justice didn’t give a damn.
She shivered.
“At least the terrorists I dealt with were the enemy. We were combatants, but this bastard claimed to love you.”
“Yeah, and he had a funny way of showin’ it.” She turned to face Justice, clutching the shirt around her body.
“You don’t have to hide from me. Ever. Not even one tiny bit of yourself. Understand?”
Etta nodded.
But did she really get it?
He leaned down to kiss her lips, a gentle meeting of mouths and want. And then it deepened, until she tilted back, giving him access to taste her fully. As they kissed, he wrapped his arms around her, pulled her against his hips. Justice wanted her to feel how hard his cock was, as it rode her thigh.
“I want you.”
“And I want you, but…”
“It’s scary?”
“Yes.”
“Let me show you.” He stood and took his shirt off. “There are bullet holes, broken bones that didn’t set right, along with scratches and scars that’ll never go away. I’ve got war wounds, and so do you. The way I see it, they’re badges of honor. We survived.”
“I suppose so.”
“Turn around.” Justice kissed her shoulder blades, and then the marks on her back. “Know what you need back here?”
“What?”
“A pair of angel wings.” It would be a perfect way to
obliterate the marks.
“You mean a tattoo?” She twisted around so he could see her face once more.
“Yeah, all of my brothers get tattoos at Brimstone Ink. I’m sure Fiona could do a nice design right over your scar. You’d never have to see it again.”
“I like the idea, but I’m not the kind of girl who gets ink.”
“All the old ladies do.”
“Old ladies?”
“Bikers call their wives and girlfriends old ladies. It’s a term of respect.”
“Really?” She scrunched up her nose. “It sounds a bit ball and chain-ish.”
“It isn’t. Actually, the old ladies get a name tattoo, but it’s consensual, more like a weddin’ ring than anythin’ else, to show the relationship is permanent.”
“Well, I hate havin’ his mark on me.”
“I know. His name might be on you, but you’re no longer the same woman. You’ve grown.”
“Really? I’m not so sure. Tonight it all came rushin’ back.”
Justice knew she was scared, overwhelmed by the situation.
“You’ve gotten over it, for the most part, and I wanna do the same thing.”
“You will.”
“I hope you’re right. So, I’m gonna have a talk with Trick in the very near future. In the meantime, at least think about the tattoo? My treat.”
“I will.”
“Good. We should get some sleep.” Justice turned out the light, and then they laid down, facing each other, bodies curved into one another.
“Think we’ll ever be normal?” she asked.
“I doubt it.”
She snickered. “Well, I’m tired of my past.”
“Me too. I’m ready to get on with my life.” He’d clung to it for so long, it was difficult to disentangle himself.
“There are so many things I want, but I haven’t made any headway yet.”
“Tell me what your future looks like.”
“This sounds so borin’, but I want a home of my own and a child. There’s a little boy I work with, and he doesn’t have a family.”
“You wanna adopt him.”
Her breath hitched. “Yes, very much.”
Justice knew he was missing something big. Etta hadn’t laid it all out for him yet.
Cold Blood (Lone Star Mobsters Book 4) Page 13
