No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

  In the week I’d been gone, my kitten had grown. She seemed happy enough to see me, rewarding me with a purr, although I suspected she just wanted to escape the angel’s clutches. Kennedy slept through the acquisition of my feline, and I buckled her carrier into the back seat in case something happened.

  “You’ll make it home without incident,” Luna promised, and she gave a soft, airy laugh. “You will, of course, view this as a miracle.”

  The angel vanished in a flash of golden light, and I waved my fist where she’d been standing. Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds cried in her carrier. I couldn’t blame her. Wailing over the injustice of it all seemed like a good way to release stress. Then again, I could think of a lot of other things I could do, too.

  Sighing, I got back on the road and headed for home, taking advantage of Kennedy’s exhaustion to keep its location a secret for a little while longer. The FBI’s SUV would have a few new scratches from plowing it through the brush my car fit through without issue, but a few minutes and a paint pen would get rid of them—if I cared enough.

  After having trashed one vehicle, I thought a few minor scratches wouldn’t draw much attention. At least they’d get the SUV back intact. I hoped.

  True to Luna’s promise, I did make it home without incident, and my house seemed the same as I left it. I parked, killed the engine, and stretched. Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds continued singing the sad song of her people in the back. Reaching over, I poked Kennedy’s arm. “Rise and shine. We’re here.”

  She snorted, jerking upright. “I didn’t do it!”

  Laughing, I shook my head, unbuckled my seatbelt, and slid out of the SUV. “If you’re expecting luxury, run away now. We have arrived, and I even managed to retrieve my kitten without issue.”

  My furry bundle of biological warfare howled for release. Instead of obeying her demands, I retrieved her in her carrier, grabbed the oversized plastic bag with her things, and headed for my front door, leaving Kennedy to either follow or not as she saw fit.

  If my ramshackle home bothered her, it didn’t slow her down at all. I let myself in, grateful my keys had managed to make the trip all the way from Indiana to Mississippi and back. While I could have hiked to the waterwheel to dig out the hidden spare, I thought I’d limit how many times I shocked Kennedy to once per hour or so.

  “I’m not sure I want to let you live here,” she muttered, poking the ragtag veneer with her toe. “What if I huff and puff?”

  “You won’t blow my house down, but I’ll enjoy watching you try.” Stepping inside, I set Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds by the door and attended to the most important part of her care, her litter box. “Last I checked, she has not quite mastered the art of using her litter box effectively. The litter does a good job, but she enjoys making the world suffer. My advice? Bury it fast.”

  “Oh god, she’s one of those? It’s even worse than I thought.”

  “It seems I’ve invited Satan home with me, and she’s rather cute and fluffy.” I waited for Kennedy to close the door before releasing my feline demoness from her carrier.

  She beelined straight for her freshly prepared box. I sighed.

  Within half a minute, Kennedy gagged, turned heel, and fled my house.

  “Thanks, cat,” I muttered. The subject of my displeasure kicked litter all over the floor, created her usual pit, and high-tailed it for my bedroom. Something thunked down the hall, and before I had a chance to take a single step, Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds zoomed back into the living room and pounced my leg, digging her tiny claws into my slacks and holding on for dear life. With my kitten firmly attached to my leg, I hobbled across my living room to vanquish my eye-watering foe.

  “You’re terrible.”

  The subject of my complaint dug razor-sharp claws into my leg, and grimacing, I bent over to peel her off. The front door creaked open, and Kennedy peeked inside. “Is it safe yet?”

  “As safe as it gets with this beast.” Setting my kitten on the floor, I headed to the couch and flopped on it. I should have saved myself the effort of removing my furry friend, as she climbed my leg and took up residence on my lap. “Do you think she missed me, or is she planning some form of revenge?”

  “She’s a cat. Always assume revenge.”

  I laughed and petted my kitten. The little ball of terror purred, which I interpreted as reward for doing my job as her human slave correctly. “Don’t tell Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds this, but you get used to it pretty quick, although I may be buying stock in air freshener in the near future.”

  Whether too tired to keep lurking outside or she accepted her fate, Kennedy came inside and closed the door behind her. “It’s a lot nicer on the inside.”

  “I’ll get around to fixing the exterior eventually—it’s all cosmetic issues. You should have seen it when I bought it. Most of the town was already on its way out the door.”

  “What town is this?”

  I shot her a salute. “Gypsum Creek.”

  “Okay. There was a property with that town on the deed, but we couldn’t actually find the town.”

  “Population of one, just the way I like it. I’m pretty sure I scratched that SUV to hell getting it back here, too. Technically, there’s still a post office, but it runs out of Cataract next door. Mailman gives me a ring if I have anything, and I pick it up to save him the effort of trying to get back here. If you were looking for a road, well, I’m afraid I can’t help you there. I have a lovely set of tire ruts I maintain.”

  Kennedy strode across my living room and plopped onto the couch beside me. “You literally became a hermit. I was unaware businessmen could become hermits. Yet here we are.” She sucked in a breath. “Wait. You’ve lured me into the woods, haven’t you?”

  It didn’t take me long to figure out where she was going with her train of thought, and despite myself, I laughed. “You’re safe. I don’t have a basement. I do have a creepy mill in the back, though. I use the waterwheel to generate electricity. Actually, this would be a pretty good place to hide out during the apocalypse.”

  “Now that’s a selling point. Should the world as we know it come to an end, I may come hang out with you and your cat.”

  “I have my own source of electricity, enough firewood to last well over a decade, and a lot of untouched forest filled with wild animals. The creek also has fish. Even got my own well, but should that fail, I catch rainwater, too. What can I say? I’m resourceful.”

  “You probably got bored.”

  “There might be a bit of truth to that.”

  “So what else do you do around here besides practice survival techniques?”

  “Sleep. I have picked up a new hobby of serving my feline overlady.”

  The kitten in question stretched out over my lap and yawned.

  “You’ve been suckered. I just thought you should know this.”

  “Yeah, I figured that out when I ended up paying several hundred dollars at the emergency vet and couldn’t force myself to get mad over it.”

  “All right, I’ll give credit where credit is due. She’s too cute to kill, which explains why you subject yourself to that godawful smell.”

  I laughed, stroking my hand along my kitten’s soft back. “My man card is in my wallet. You should take it. I’m this kitten’s bitch, and that probably loses me my right to carry a man card.”

  “Your man card is safe this time. I can’t say I would have been able to resist her, either. I’m pretty sure it’s in the cat handbook on how to take over Earth. Humanity has only been spared because cats are too lazy to carry out their evil plans.”

  “I’m pretty sure you’re right. How am I supposed to prevent the cataclysm? Feed her on time and make sure she doesn’t stink me out of house and home?”

  Kennedy jabbed me in the ribs. “No kitten around, you. This is serious business.”

  It took every scrap of my will to avoid groaning. “You don’t have to get so catty about it.”

  “Oh, stop your caterwauling already.�
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  I sniffed and lifted my chin, turning away from her so she wouldn’t see me if I cracked a grin. “I prefer to think of it as having a hissy fit.”

  Kennedy groaned. “Now you’re just yanking my tail.”

  “Now, now. You know I wouldn’t do that. Just paws, take a deep breath, and smooth your fur a bit. There’s need for us to get into a catfight over this.”

  With a strangled scream, Kennedy grabbed one of my throw pillows and smacked me in the face with it. “You son of a bitch!”

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds darted off my lap with an indignant hiss. Laughing, I shielded my head with an arm. “I’m in the doghouse now, aren’t I?”

  Drawing a deep breath, Kennedy got to her feet and hoisted the pillow. “See Reed? See Reed run.”

  Lurching off the couch with a laugh, I ran for the door. “Purrfect. I guess I better stop pussyfooting around, then.”

  I almost made it before the pillow connected with the back of my head. I scooped it up, launched it back, and took the chase outside, slowing long enough to make sure Kennedy closed the door behind her to keep Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds contained inside, thus sparing the Earth from her evil.

  Kennedy caught me near the creek, relieved me of my wallet, tossed it to the safety of the rocky shore, and shoved me into the water. Laughing hysterically made it difficult to fend her off, but at least she gave me a chance to catch my breath before dunking me. When she finally let me up for air, I classified as half-drowned.

  “Worth it,” I gasped, wiping my hand over my face.

  “That was cruel and unusual punishment, you bastard!” She shoved me into the deeper water again, and I fell in with a splash and a laugh. “You need more exercise, Reed. I shouldn’t have been able to catch you that easily.”

  “Hey, I did pretty well for someone with stitches.” Anyway, I didn’t want to get away. Being caught was half the fun, although I wouldn’t tell her that. I’d just enjoy the consequences of my capture. “Maybe I took that a little too far, but I’m not sorry.”

  “Of course you’re not sorry.” Kennedy waded deeper into the creek and splashed me. “I suppose I should be happy you still have a sense of humor left. I’d wondered after what your co-workers said when you were taken.”

  “It’s very subtle.”

  “There’s nothing subtle about your kitten.”

  “The best payback happens when no one expects it.”

  “I don’t even need five minutes to poke holes in that excuse.”

  “I sieve.”

  “Reed Hampton Matthews!” She lunged for me, flopping into the water in front of me, and I darted out of her way, laughing when she emerged with a spluttered squawk.

  Waiting until she surfaced, I smiled, set my hand on the back of her head, and dunked her. “Oops.”

  Payback came in many forms, and Kennedy used the water’s natural abilities to conduct electricity to zap me. I yelped and went under. Before I could do something stupid like drown, she snagged me by my collar and hauled me to shore, where she began phase two of her punishment.

  From head to toe, she attacked every single one of my ticklish spots until I writhed on the shore and pled for mercy. I could’ve fought back or launched an offensive of my own, but I accepted my fair share of the punishment with as much grace as I could, which wasn’t very much.

  A man with a tendency to squeal when tickled too much often lacked grace. When she finally relented, I rolled onto my stomach, groaned, and fought to catch my breath. “You win.”

  “I should have visited you. I should have stayed. I should have done a lot differently.”

  The shift in subject blindsided me, and I used my prone position to keep my face hidden. She didn’t need to see my confusion or uncertainty any more than I needed to look into her eyes. “I already forgave you, Kennedy.”

  “But why?”

  It’d take a lifetime of therapy before I would be ready to confess the truth I’d barely figured out for myself, which eliminated telling her I still loved her. The truth was a funny thing; it could be twisted, it could be hidden, and it could be many things, too. Right down to making my eyes water, it was too much like an onion, and I had a long way to go to reach its heart. “Because I do. Just ask any one of my therapists how infuriating I can be. I’m sure they can tell you all about it.”

  While strained, Kennedy laughed. “I didn’t have to ask. The instant they realized we had a warrant to get your personal information due to your kidnapping, they were happy to treat us like we were the therapists instead of them. Still. What I did to you was unforgivable.”

  “Already forgave you,” I reminded her. “That automatically proves you wrong. I win.”

  “Reed.”

  “You’re just going to have to get around to accepting I forgave you. Ask any one of my therapists. They’ll agree with me. I’ll even tell them to tell you. I’ll go in with you, and I’ll order them to do so.”

  “Maybe playing in the creek wasn’t a good idea. Are your stitches all right?”

  I laughed, marveling at her ability to change subjects without warning. While my awareness of my stitches had crossed my mind for a split second, I’d discarded the potential of risk in favor of fooling around and playing in the water, something I hadn’t done in years. “I’m sure I’m fine. If I’m not, I’m sure a doctor here will be happy to tell me how stupid I’ve been. I should check the waterwheel before I go back inside anyway.”

  “At least I think I can eliminate your personal property as a motive. I’m not sure you have anything a kidnapper could possibly want.”

  At the rate she was jumping around, I was going to get whiplash trying to follow the conversation. “I don’t have a whole lot, no. Unless they want a suit collection fitted for me. I own more suits than I probably should. I would have gone off the grid completely, except I like getting paid for providing electricity. I’ve got solar panels up at the waterwheel, too. If you wanted to find my house, all you needed to do was ask the electric company. They have an access road they clear four times a year to check their meter by the mill.”

  “I’m going to remember that next time I have to track down a hermit. I’m hoping that’s never. I was starting to think you were some incredibly detailed hallucination, as you existed on paper and people were positive you were real. Outside of your work and appointments, you’re incredibly hard to track down. There should be limits to how secretive you are.”

  “You want to know, don’t you?”

  “I’m a bit curious.”

  I got to my feet, stretched, and strolled in the direction of the water wheel, water sloshing in my shoes every step of the way. “I’d call myself a whore, but whores get paid. I don’t. I’d spend my weekends at the bar, and since I don’t drink a whole lot, I’d end up hooking up with someone.” I shrugged. “I guess I’m a bit of a slut.”

  “Are there any women you’ve been with who might want to kidnap you?”

  “I doubt it? At most, I’d give them my first name—if that. Hell, I don’t know the names of most of the women I’ve slept with. I’m pretty careful. I don’t go home with the same person twice. I can’t think of a reason why.”

  “I can. A ready supply of great sex might motivate women.”

  I wasn’t sure how to take that, so I went with the obvious one. “Ex sex in a creek?”

  “Too cold. Now, ex sex in your bed? I’m all in. You don’t have to ask me twice. I present this as evidence of my point.”

  “If someone wanted me for sex, why would they get me into a car accident bad enough to require stitches and leave me in Mississippi without the sex? That makes zero sense. Now, that said, there was a set of high heel prints at the house, so I can’t completely eliminate sex as a motivator.”

  “I’ve been with my fair share of men, Reed. You make them all look like inexperienced virgins. I just figured you’d gotten a new girlfriend.”

  “No new girlfriends. Just a very long list of one-night stands.”

>   “Practice makes perfect.”

  “That sounds like a good explanation. Better than the other one I have.” I chuckled, shook my head over the casualness in which Kennedy delved into my sex life, and guided her to the waterwheel, stopping to watch it do its work and enjoy the sound of falling water. “The mill was here when I bought the property, but I fixed it up. At first I thought it had something to do with the failed mining operations here, but I think it was meant for grain. I never quite figured that out. I took out a lot of the old equipment, got the power company to install an electric generator, and connected it to the grid and my house. Cost me more than the property, but it’s pretty reliable and I can do most of the maintenance on my own. I added the solar panels recently. The lines to my house are buried, so unless the wheel fails, I don’t have to worry about losing power during a storm.”

  “All right. I’m definitely coming here in case of apocalypse. Do I want to know your other excuse?”

  While she already knew I wasn’t fully human, I shrugged it off. “It’s not important. Tomorrow will be questioning, right?”

  “Correct. My boss wanted tonight, but after the accident, he decided tomorrow would be soon enough. We have a ten o’clock appointment in downtown Indianapolis.”

  “Then we should probably head back to the house, get something to eat, and get some sleep.”

  “You’re probably right.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  It took three days of questioning for the FBI and local police to determine I truly knew nothing at all, a claim I ultimately needed Luna to confirm as the truth. Luna refused to elaborate on the things she had said, which turned the investigation from me to her, for which I was grateful. I should’ve used my rights to have an angel verify the truth sooner, but it’d taken me the three days to work up the nerve to do it. After the first day with no leads, no idea why anyone would want to bother with someone like me, and no need to waste someone of Kennedy’s skills on an investigation deemed low-priority, she left my life once more.