No Kitten Around

by RJ Blain

  The event-appropriate sheath pissed me off; diamonds encrusted the damned thing, and I didn’t want to know how much it cost, but I remembered Samantha’s threat.

  The sheath would, no matter what, survive until my wedding. If I wanted to tear it to pieces and decorate my marriage bed with its diamonds, that was my business, but the sheath survived until I tied the knot.

  Why, why, why had I allowed Samantha to so thoroughly trick me?

  Oh, right. I wanted to marry Kennedy. Damn it. I grunted, stopped fiddling with my tie, and retrieved my sword, which waited for me by the door. “This is ridiculous. This thing is covered in diamonds, Kennedy. Actual diamonds. Do you know how I know this? I bought a machine that told me so. Every damned one of these stones is a diamond.”

  “I’m still impressed you tested every single one of them.”

  “I did the math, Kennedy.”

  “What math?”

  I pointed at the offensive sheath. “If these are low-grade diamonds, the synthetic kind snobbish elves hate, this sheath cost ten thousand dollars just in accent diamonds. Ten. Thousands. Dollars. There are hundreds of them.”

  “I did not just hear you claim I’d get a lab diamond,” Samantha howled from the cabin’s living room.

  “You’re worse than the devil!” I shouted back, waving Redemption in the air despite knowing she couldn’t see my defiance.

  “You’re such a sweet talker.”

  Kennedy laughed and patted my arm. “Do I want to know how much the yellow, black, and red ones cost? They’re bigger. The pattern is really pretty, though. It matches our wedding rings.”

  “It’s the symbol for eternity in a very old version of elven,” Samantha replied. “I’ve told you this several times already. I know you’re edgy, Reed, but really. Relax already. Just put your damned sword on and be happy I gave you the sheath early rather than whining about having to keep an eye on it for one charity event. For the record, every stone in there is natural, and they’re all very slightly included or flawless. As if I’d allow anything other than the best to be used. And I only allowed a few of the very slightly included stones to be used because they’re special.”

  I wasn’t brave enough to ask an elf what she thought was special. I often didn’t like the answers to my questions. I grunted again and belted Redemption into place. “You need any help with Evening Star, Kennedy?”

  “I’m good to go. I love this dress. It looks so nice with my sword. I still think I should get to bring my Japanese death scythe and my sword.”

  Her dress, sleek and black with a slit from ankle to hip, made me want to abandon attending the event altogether. I’d need a lot of time to properly take her out of the dress, and I’d make no promises it would survive the experience. Until I could get her alone, I needed to avoid making eye contact of any sort. “If you bring both, you’ll terrify everyone.”

  “Bah. That’s what Sammy said. Isn’t my dress pretty, Reed?”

  The question was a trap, and I determined I needed to escape before she caught me and the elf killed us both. “You’re an evil seductress,” I replied, marching into the living room. “Absolutely evil.”

  Her laughter did wonderful but terrible things to me.

  Like Kennedy, Samantha wore a dress intended to remove a man’s base ability to function, although after having been beat into the dirt so many times by the lithe woman, I worried for anyone she ensnared as a result of the evening’s activities. To make it clear she was an elf, she’d braided her hair and woven it on top of her head, and someone had pinned an obscene number of jewels into her hair crown to transfer her into a living work of art.

  “Well, no one will be looking at Redemption’s sheath with you in the room.” I wondered how my life had become so damned strange.

  Even Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds had a jeweled collar and harness, and she waited by the door with an equally decked out Puppy, Savior of Worlds.

  “It seemed appropriate to take some of the attention off you. It wouldn’t do if you were mortified by receiving too much attention. Try to contain your demonic nature until after the festivities, no matter how tempting Kennedy is.”

  “I don’t understand why everyone keeps expecting miracles from me.”

  “We should’ve expected whining,” Samantha muttered. “The limo is here, so stop dragging your heels and get your prissy ass outside. The rest of this evening is a no-whine zone. Kennedy, you better not be adjusting anything. Do not make me go in there. Humans! You’re such children. It’s a charity event that will end with someone else’s execution. Don’t turn this into a big deal.”

  Damned elves. I sighed, gathered the leashes of both cat and dog, and headed outside, and as I liked to pretend I was a gentlemen, I held the door for the ladies before acknowledging I’d accepted an invitation to a murder. The only question was who would be committing the murders.

  Once upon a time, before magic had erupted in the world, the museum had been a Catholic church. I thought it should’ve counted as a cathedral. Born in a time of grand arches, elegant spires, and copper roofs, I found it appropriate it housed a fortune of art. I wondered what had led to its downfall as a place of worship.

  Maybe I’d ask Luna before we tried to kill each other.

  In my quest to be a gentleman, I held the door for Kennedy and Samantha. The greeters gaped at the elf, and I appreciated falling a distant third to the ladies.

  Soon enough I’d hog the spotlight in the worst ways possible.

  I almost hoped our tickets—and our animals—would be rejected, but within five minutes, we were inside in a chattering crowd of the well-dressed waiting to spend their money for charity. My boss had gotten a ticket, and as soon as he noticed me staring at him, he flicked a salute.

  Kitten, Destroyer of Worlds pawed at my leg in a demand to be picked up, and I acquiesced, setting her on my shoulder so she could look over her new domain.

  Turning to Kennedy, I whispered, “I hope you make enough to support both of us, because my boss is here and I expect to be fired tonight.”

  “Ah, yes. I saw him with your company’s CEO. Don’t worry. I’m sure I can take care of both of us without issue. Consider tonight a job interview with the CDC or FBI. Both of my bosses will be here tonight to monitor the situation. They tend to get really interested when the forces of the heavens and hell clash in a public space. I think they’re wondering how a disaster on two feet is going to prevent more disaster.”

  “They’re going to be so disappointed.”

  “We need to work on your self-esteem, Reed.”

  “You’re probably right.” I spotted Luna across the room, not far from my boss, and I grimaced. “Well, Luna is here.”

  “What a poor choice of name. Luna, for an angel? Disgraceful.”

  While I’d never met either of my angelic grandparents in person before, I’d heard them speak enough times to recognize my grandfather’s voice. I tensed, and thanks to months of surviving Samantha, my hand went for Redemption’s hilt.

  “Ugh. Angels,” Samantha muttered.

  “Elves,” my grandfather replied with identical disdain in his voice. “Did you really have to teach him bad habits?”

  “If you hadn’t wanted me to teach him bad habits, you should’ve taught him yourself.” Samantha huffed and rested her hands on her hips. “The heavens really picked you to witness? How droll.”

  “I wouldn’t call it picked. I’d call it issued an invitation. Your grandmother’s also here. I thought you’d appreciate the warning.”

  Kennedy turned to face my angelic grandparent, and her expression turned colder than ice. “You’re one of those asshole angels who convinced him he was scum the entirety of his life because you’d flee like a little feathered coward?”

  I expected there’d be a fight between Kennedy and my grandfather. I wasn’t even sure if he was my maternal or paternal grandfather. Every time I’d seen him, my grandmother had accompanied them, and my parents wisely referred to them as e
qual parents, resulting in my general confusion.

  “Paternal,” my grandfather informed me. “And I wouldn’t call it fleeing. I’d call it allowing him to grow without him being adversely influenced by our divinity at a young age. It also bothered his mother, who did not inherit a sufficient angelic nature when it comes to the raising of her offspring. That is not his fault. That is not my fault.”

  Truth.

  I really needed to figure out a way to get that quiet voice to shut the hell up.

  “Really, Reed? Really?” Samantha pointed her perfectly painted nail at my grandfather. “You’re spawned from him?”

  I echoed my grandfather’s sigh, questioning how an angel could even sigh. “Well, no. Not from him directly. Do you think if I keep my back towards him, he’ll stab me? He’s probably got a sword hidden on him somewhere.”

  “He’s naked, Reed. Angels usually are.”

  Kennedy stepped to my side, and I moved my arm so she could tuck herself against my side. The entire time, she kept her glare locked on my grandfather.

  “I can summon my sword at will, and I’ve no intention of stabbing you with it. I’m here to witness you stab other beings. Your grandmother is also here, and she’s not speaking to me right now. She’s easily offended today, but that’s natural for the situation. Honestly, most are here for the fight rather than the charity, but they’ll pay the charity well in exchange for a good fight. Humans are odd, fickle creatures that way.”

  “Just how many people know about this? We were just guessing there’d be a fight.” Bracing for the inevitable, I turned to face my grandfather. As always, I could only tell it was him by his voice and the green and gold barring on his feathers. My grandmother had green and red barring.

  “She’s already begun to fall. The wheels began turning months ago, although you had no way of knowing.” My grandfather sighed. “All tonight will do is finish the process.”

  “What? What happened?”

  “She lied to you.”

  I scowled. “Great. Do you happen to know how she lied to me?”

  “Nothing would’ve happened to you if you hadn’t gone home that night. Nothing would’ve happened to your feline, either. You gave her a most interesting name.”

  Puppy, Savior of Worlds sat on my grandfather’s foot and decided to thoroughly wash himself with his tongue. “I recommend against letting him lick your face anytime soon.”

  “Thank you for the advice. You gave him an interesting name, too.”

  “Actually, Kennedy named him, but I’ve been accused of having a sense of humor on occasion. So, Luna knew I’d be taken in that car accident?”

  “Of course. She arranged it in the hopes of fulfilling a promise to a devil she decided to consort with. I’ve done my fair share of consorting with demons, a requirement to have your father, of course, but there are limits. I limit it to necessity.”

  Somewhere in the crowd, a woman cackled.

  “Are all my grandparents here?” I wondered what sort of mayhem would happen with all six of my grandparents in attendance. I still wasn’t sure how my human grandparents had lived for so long, but I suspected it had something to do with their special blend of genetics.

  “As a matter of fact, yes. We are. Your mother opted against joining us, but your father is around somewhere. He’s rather terrified of your woman, so you may have to find which corner he’s in and coax him out later.”

  My brows shot up. “My father’s here? Without my mother?”

  “They had a delightful argument over it. So, this is your Kennedy?”

  “I would hesitate to claim ownership of any sort over her. She has more weapons than I do and probably knows how to use them better.”

  My grandfather chuckled. “Her thoughts are very colorful. You’d be pleased if you could hear the profanities she’s flinging in my general direction. She’s also interested in introducing me to her Japanese death scythe, I’m not invited to the wedding, and I’m concerned about how she wants to use Evening Star.”

  “You should invite him to the wedding,” Samantha said, and when the elf snickered, I worried. “Angels love weddings and will make it far more entertaining for everyone. In the case of angels with children and grandchildren under foot, they’ll inevitably bring their associated demons. The demons inevitably embrace their chaotic nature because the laws of the universe dictate an equal amount of order and chaos. If anything, chaos wins when angels attend weddings, and they just can’t resist attending them. Having two angels in attendance? It’ll be a wonder to behold.”

  “Don’t we have more important things to worry about? Like Luna snapping and trying to eat me?”

  My grandfather reached out and patted my shoulder. “It’ll come in time. Just be aware she already falls. She made her choice. I thought you’d like to know she’d picked this path for herself long before you were even a thought in your father’s mind.”

  As my mother would’ve rather I hadn’t been born, I appreciated his phrasing. “You angels need to work on the whole dire consequences to everyone else thing.”

  “If she hadn’t chosen as she had, there’d be no consequences to anyone. She could’ve accomplished her goals without lying to you.”

  “Perhaps, but you’re not the one who got beaten by an elf for months.”

  “It takes an elf to teach an elf, albeit had I considered your grandmother’s heritage more closely, I would’ve had two children instead of only one.”

  “But why?” I pointed at myself. The move backfired, as kitten, Destroyer of Worlds translated my movement as an invitation to play, resulting in her sprawled on the top of my head and reaching for my fingers. “One of me is bad enough. I don’t think the world needs two of me.”

  “You’re unique, and it’s best you remain so. No, a second child would’ve seen my line continued in a more traditional fashion.”

  “And what do you mean by that?”

  “My son won’t have another child, and I suspect any children you have will be horrendously elven. Once wakened, some things refuse to return to sleep. Your heritage is one of them, and it will leech away at the humanity of your children, their children, and their children. And should the world be as unlucky as I fear, you may give birth to a new race of elf.”

  Samantha giggled. “That would be glorious. With his mixed heritage? It’s anyone’s guess what sort of elf would emerge. Do have many children to maximize the odds of a new elf race developing.”

  Kennedy wrapped her arm around my waist and squeezed. “Samantha’s just trying to agitate you as usual. I don’t know what the angel’s up to.”

  “My name is Jegudiel, but most call me Henry.”

  I had a hard time processing an angel having a name like Henry. “And I thought Luna was a weird name for an angel.”

  Samantha bowed her head and sighed. “I hate when I’m right sometimes. Do I even want to know who his grandmother is?”

  “Pravuil, but she’s currently going by Levata.”

  Samantha looked my grandfather over with narrowed eyes. “Well, I’m not going to have to worry about Luna’s divinity erasing my student from existence, then. I was rather concerned about that. That said, is there a reason to believe he won’t catch Luna’s seed once she’s fallen completely?”

  “Yes.”

  We waited, and when the angel didn’t elaborate, Samantha spewed curses. “Do you know why elves try to kill angels whenever possible? It’s because of this shit. You meddle, leave your offspring to stir trouble, then you take advantage of your offspring’s offspring because they’re useful and you’re limited. You hear me? You’re limited.”

  Had my grandfather possessed a head, he would’ve been grinning. Something about his posture screamed his amusement at Samantha’s annoyance. “You’ve surrounded yourself with interesting individuals, Reed. An elf with a grudge not even the Grand Canyon can contain, a woman who’ll keep you busy for at least one lifetime, and a most interesting feline.”

  Puppy, S
avior of Worlds whined.

  “I haven’t forgotten you, little one. You’re just least likely to shred me with your claws if not properly acknowledged. You’re of equal importance.”

  The corgi huffed and sat on Kennedy’s shoe.

  I suspected my subservience to the furry beasts came from at least one of my angelic grandparents. “Explain why you can’t deal with Luna yourself, please.”

  “You’re the one she wronged, and you’re capable of securing your own justice. Divine intervention comes at a price you don’t want to pay. Trust me on this one. I can offer you this much: I can’t help you, but I am allowed to scrape you off the floor and put you back together again if absolutely necessary.”

  “He just doesn’t want to deal with your whining if your offspring’s offspring died because of some inferior angel,” Samantha muttered. “Isn’t that right, Mr. Archangel?”

  Wait. Archangel? My grandfather was an archangel?

  “Why haven’t I killed you yet, elf?”

  “I’m paying for his wedding, I trained him because I could kick your scrawny angelic ass with a hand tied behind my back, and you can’t handle even the thought of having to cheat to defeat me. Therefore, you tolerate my existence, and when you’re angel enough to admit it, you’re grateful I’m the one teaching your grandson how to survive.”

  Truth.

  I wasn’t sure who scared me more: the elf or my grandfather.

  I freed myself from Kennedy’s hold, dropped a kiss on her lips in the case I needed to be scraped off the floor and pieced back together again, and went to find Luna to put an end to the insanity. The fallen angel seemed a safer option than sticking around for an argument between an archangel and an elf.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Luna conversed with a dark-haired man; his pristine suit, bronzed complex, and persistent smile, which should have been charming but rang alarm bells instead, all pointed to the same thing. After months of dancing with him on the phone, I’d finally get to meet Lucavier Buioni in person.