by Kahlen Aymes
Her face crinkled up, and she looked at the ceiling as she pretended not to remember my date’s last name, and my lips lifted in a small smile. She was so sweet. I had to fight the urge to crush her to me and kiss her silly. “What was her last name again?” She smiled wide, and my heart flip-flopped inside my chest.
By the end of the night, we were side-by-side with both our dates completely pissed off. “Williams,” I said and leaned in enough so our shoulders were touching. “They were both boring as hell anyway.”
“Yeah. Did you know they’re dating now?”
“No shit? Match made in heaven.” I smiled, but my face sobered soon after. “So where did you say you were going?”
Julia launched away from the counter and turned to face me. “Ugh! Ryan! I can’t have a date with you lurking in the background.”
“Okay, I concede. But, you can tell me where that dickhead is taking you. Or… you can call and cancel, and then we can go to a movie or maybe that arcade again. We had a great time last time, didn’t we?”
She bit her lip and looked at me, her eyes locking with mine. I could see my struggle mirrored in her eyes. I was going to win this one.
“Come on, Abbott. You know you’d rather hang with me.”
“That doesn’t mean it’s what I should do.”
Again, she was right. It was unfair that I tried to keep her from dating, from possibly finding a boyfriend, but it just didn’t sit right. “I know.” I shrugged. “So?”
“So…” Julia’s face mirrored her inner struggle. “Hand me my phone.”
~Julia
I couldn’t believe I was actually cancelling a date with a hot guy who fifty other girls would kill to have a date with. On Valentine’s Day, no less! The thing was, I was cancelling to spend time with one whom ten times that many women would kill to be with. I sighed. I couldn’t decide if Ryan was just being over-protective or if Bryan really was the huge predator as he claimed. It was hard to tell with Ryan sometimes.
All the time we spent together made us close. He was my best friend, the best friend I’d ever had; but I knew I loved him. If I didn’t, it wouldn’t kill me so much when he dated. I tried to act nonchalantly, as if it didn’t matter. But it mattered more than anything; especially, since Christmas.
By now, my portfolio had two dozen portraits of Ryan in it, and Ellie was getting suspicious whenever I chose to stay in instead of going out with the group on nights Ryan wasn’t with us. I couldn’t help it. My face was expressive, and I had to work so hard to hide how I really felt. It was exhausting, and on those nights, when I was so miserable, it was impossible. Plus, it helped my misery to play music and recreate his face by candlelight. It was like he was with me. I was still hurting, but it got me through it.
“I’m just going to go in the other room to make the call.” I began to walk down the hall to his room.
Ryan nodded and flopped down on the couch, grabbing the remote from the floor in front of it. “Sure. Should we just leave from here, then?”
I turned, looking down at my jeans and sweater. My clothes were perfectly fine for a friend night out, but it was Valentine’s Day, and everywhere we went, people might be more dressed up for their dates. “Um, I would like to freshen up a little, if that’s okay?”
“Sure,” he threw over his shoulder, now fully ensconced in whatever was on the screen. It sounded like some sporting event from where I stood. I hovered in the hall, rethinking my decision. I wanted to be with Ryan, no question, but I would bleed eventually. It wasn’t a gradual realization. It hit me hard and fast about ten minutes after I’d met him, and I couldn’t stop it… I couldn’t stay away.
I walked the rest of the way into Ryan’s room and closed the door behind me. It smelled like him; a mixture of cologne and just him. It was nice. I sank down on his bed, inhaling deeply. Looking around, it was clear he was a serious musician, and his intelligence was on the verge of brilliance. There were a few classic novels and a very old copy of Gray’s Anatomy, his keyboard, some concert tickets pinned to a bulletin board and loads of CDs. He had a stereo, not just an iPod dock like a lot of people.
“Julia? Did you call?” Ryan called from down the hall and I fumbled around almost dropping the phone in my haste to get it started.
Crap.
Bryan answered the phone on the first ring.
“Hi!” His voice was exuberant and I cringed because of what I was about to say. Should I lie? I couldn’t be honest without sounding like a bitch or idiot.
“Hi. Listen, I know it’s short notice.” I shifted on the bed and Ryan pushed the door open a smidge and peeked in. I flushed. “I’m not feeling great. I think I’m coming down with the flu.”
Ryan threw himself down on the bed, lying down behind me. I could feel his eyes boring into me, though my back was turned, and the back of my ears started to burn, realizing he was listening to the call.
“Really? You sound fine.”
“Ye-yah,” I stammered. “It’s not a cold. It’s the stomach flu.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“Yes, me, too.”
“Can we reschedule?”
“Sure. I’d like that. I’m really sorry.”
“Okay. I’ll call you in a couple of days?” Bryan asked.
“Sure. Sounds good.”
“So do you need me to bring you anything? I can come over.”
Ryan was quiet but shifted on the bed, and I felt it move beneath his weight.
“No, I’m… I mean, I don’t want you to see this.”
“Okay.”
“I’m sorry about the short notice. I hope you can find someone to spend the evening with.”
“I’m not sure. My roommate is having a party at our house. It’s probably because he doesn’t have a date.”
I smiled, my head bent, and I pulled a stray tendril behind my ear. “Probably.”
“If you feel better, call me and I’ll come get you.”
“Sure. Thanks.” I said the words, knowing I wouldn’t. I felt bad. Bryan seemed nice, which was a huge contradiction to Ryan’s description of him, and he was good looking. Any number of girls would love to spend time with him. “Have a good night.”
“You, too. I hope you feel better.”
“Thank you. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I ended the call and did a half-twist to look at Ryan, to find his intense blue eyes trained on my face. “What?” I asked. He was relaxed but staring at me. His face could stop my breath.
“Did he take it okay?”
I half-shrugged. “I guess. What’s he going to say?”
He sat up and pressed a hand to his chest with a grin. “Julia, you can puke on me any day.” He was mocking Bryan.
“Hey, I feel sorry for the guy. I shouldn’t have lied.”
“So why did you?” Ryan scooted around me and I could almost feel the heat radiating between us as he got up from the bed and walked to his closet, peering inside and starting to push through a few of his button-downs.
“Because, I like him. I want to see him again.”
He stopped and looked at me, a frown dropping his brows. “Look, Julia, if you want to go with him, you should go.”
“Shut up, Ryan.” I put a hand to my forehead. “It’s done.”
He pulled a shirt from his closet. It was a light aquamarine with a fine vertical stripe running through it, and he threw it on the bed, hanger and all, before pulling his T-shirt over his head and tossing it on the floor.
My eyes widened. I couldn’t help but stare. The muscles on his chest, abs, and arms were defined and solid. Not huge, but definitely powerful. His jeans were low on his hips, leaving the V and happy trail visible. I could see the top of his underwear. I swallowed. It wasn’t the first time I’d seen men dressed this way, and I’d seen hundreds of guys wearing their pants loose enough to show part of their underwear. Some, their entire ass showed at times, but this was Ryan. I felt the skin of my face and on the back of my neck in
fuse with heat and I turned away, discretely. It was a waste of effort as he moved around the room and back into my sightline.
He acted like I wasn’t even in the room, as he grabbed deodorant and used it, before removing the shirt from the hanger and shrugging it onto his broad shoulders. I tried not to look at the way the muscles of his back moved.
“Good. Where do you want to go? Better make sure your boyfriend doesn’t show or we’re busted.”
I tried to tear my gaze away from all that bare skin. I knew my mouth was hanging open and at the sound of his voice, I looked down quickly. “Um, doesn’t matter.” We could go to a movie so I could be closer to him, lean into him, close my eyes and breathe him in and he wouldn’t know. We could go out for dinner, and we could talk for hours. We could go to the arcade we liked, spend the night playing games and laughing. We could stay here, I could make Pad Thai, rent a movie, and make popcorn. I truly didn’t care.
Any of it would be fine, as long as it was with Ryan. I rubbed my cheek quickly, hoping the heat would diffuse and I wouldn’t turn red at the train of my thoughts.
He ran a comb through his unruly mop of hair, without a mirror. He tossed the comb on his desk, and it landed with a clatter before he turned to look at me and began to button his shirt. I was still feeling embarrassed at my feelings and found it hard to look at him. He was standing beside the bed and I was sitting on the end, trembling like a leaf.
“Jules. Seriously. Whatever you want to do is fine with me.”
I couldn’t let him see my discomfort, so I clasped my hands in my lap and smiled up at him. “Okay, how about a drive-through and movie? Let’s go somewhere dark.”
His eyebrow rose, and he bent to gather a pair of black dress shoes from the bottom of his closet and shoved his feet into them. He was wearing jeans, but they were made of dark denim and new, and they looked great with his shirt. He looked hot.
“Really? Want to take advantage of me?” he teased with a smile. “Is that it?”
If only he knew. The truth was, my feelings were too close to the surface and I wasn’t sure I could hide them if he was looking right at me all night.
“Yeah, sure. Like I could,” I said sarcastically.
“You could.” He almost sounded serious.
My heart stopped then started hammering against my ribs. How should I answer that? How could I answer? I’d look like an idiot if I called him on it and he was kidding. “Me and half the planet.”
“Whatever, Abbott.” Ryan dismissed my comment, and though he’d been cocky earlier about the opposite sex, now I sensed he was pissed. “You ready?” He grabbed his leather jacket in his right hand and waited for me to precede him out of the room.
I wondered how he’d react if I pranced around in front of him half-dressed. Probably as cool as a cucumber, that’s how. He had naked women around a lot, and I hadn’t even been with a guy once. It was humiliating in a way. He waited while I put my coat on then followed me out of his apartment and the old house it was in.
As we walked to Ryan’s car, I glanced at his face. He wasn’t talking and I didn’t want him upset or mad at me. Maybe I should come up with some sort of reason, even if it wasn’t the truth.
“The truth is, it’s less likely Bryan will see us out at a movie. His roommate is having a party, and he’ll probably be there, but who knows? I just don’t want to run into him and have to explain.”
“Fuck him,” Ryan muttered as he unlocked my door and held it open for me. I had to pass him.
“Ryan, come on,” I reasoned as I climbed into his SUV. It was an older model Honda CRV, but he kept it clean and nice. “You’d be pissed if a girl canceled on you then you saw her out with another guy.”
He shut my door and walked around the front end. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His jaw was pushed out and his expression tight.
“Right?” I pulled my knees up and turned in my seat toward him.
“Buckle your seat belt,” was all he said as he pulled his down around him and clicked it into place. I hadn’t buckled mine, and he glared at me until I secured it around me.
“What’s your problem? Did you get your period?”
“Ha ha,” he said flatly.
“Seriously, Ryan. Why are you in such a pissy mood?” My mouth curled up in amusement. If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was jealous. The thought sent a thrill all the way down to my toes.
“If you care so much about that prick, then you should have gone out with him.”
“I didn’t say that. I said I didn’t need to be a bitch and hurt his feelings. It’s bad enough I lied about it.”
He revved the engine, peeled away from the curb, and made a jerky right turn in the direction of campus.
I sat back in my seat and looked out the window, my mind racing with this change in him. When I glanced at him, the muscle in his jaw was working overtime. What the fuck?
“Ryan—” I began incredulously, shaking my head. “Why are you mad at me? I thought we were going to have fun tonight. Don’t make me regret that I changed my plans.”
His fingers were tight around the steering wheel and he visibly relaxed, his grip loosening. He pulled in a deep sigh and let it out with equal strength. So deep I could hear it, not just see the rise and fall of his chest.
“Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I just don’t get it.”
He parked in the lot next to my dorm and shut off the car. It was cold out and February snow dusted the ground outside the car. It wouldn’t be long and the heat from our breath would be steaming up the windows. “I don’t want to feel like I’m keeping you if you’d rather be on your date.”
“I don’t.” I shook my head, my eyes imploring him. This was the first time Ryan had been angry with me, and it didn’t sit well. I wanted to ask him to explain but wasn’t sure even he knew. It was better just to move beyond it and get back to our evening. “Do you want to wait out here or come in?”
“I can’t wait in your room if you’re changing your clothes.” His voice was quiet and resigned. I studied his profile, wanting desperately for happy Ryan to return.
“You can come up. I can change in the bathroom, or you can turn around or keep your eyes closed. I’m sure Ellie is already out.”
Ryan looked at me with apologetic blue eyes, his expression gentle. “Sure?”
I nodded. I wanted so badly to touch him and I couldn’t help it. My hand reached out and wrapped around his forearm. He wasn’t wearing his coat and the sleeves of his shirt were rolled up to expose the hard flesh and smooth skin. My fingers couldn’t reach completely around it, but the connection stunned me as always. “Yes.” I nodded toward the building.
He stared at me for a good minute, looking as if he wanted to say something but couldn’t. I didn’t want it to get awkward. The way we were together, ninety-nine percent of the time; that’s the way I wanted it. “I can wait in the lobby.”
“Pfft! Come on, Dr. Jekyll, but leave Mr. Hyde here, okay?”
A slow smile slid across his handsome face. “Okay, Jules, I’m—”
I put a hand up to stop him. “Nope! One sorry is enough. Aren’t you cold? Get your coat on.”
He pulled it from the back seat where he’d tossed it and pushed his arms into the sleeves. In less than a minute, he was around to the passenger side and hauling me up into a piggyback ride.
“Hey! People will stare at us, Ryan,” I protested, even as I was thrilled at the prospect and gave a little hop to assist the process.
Ryan ignored me. It wasn’t long before my arms were wrapped around his shoulders, his arms hooked under my knees, and he was walking across the street from the parking lot and onto the Stanford campus toward my dorm “Screw them.”
I smiled, my face pressed into the curve of his neck. He smelled nice. It felt good being this close to him and I prayed he couldn’t feel my heart hammering against this back. I’d be the envy of every woman who saw this then subjected to a bevy of questions if we ran int
o anyone I knew inside the lobby.
“Okay, but you have to let me down when we get close to my building.”
“Why?” he asked and kept on walking, taking my weight easily.
“I don’t want my eyes scratched out. I need them.” To look at you, I added silently, but he only chuckled.
I held on to Ryan—and my heart—for dear life.
~RYAN
I studied Julia all through dinner, wondering what it was about her that had me so tied up. It felt easy with her. The more time we were together, the easier—and harder—it got. I could look at her for hours and never get tired of it. Watching her talk, she was animated, enthralling, and funny. And, she was beautiful. Many times, I found myself breathless or struggling for words. That never happened to me before.
I enjoyed the time with her more than any other woman I’d ever met, and I was hornier than hell. If I went out and screwed someone, it was only because I was in physical pain. I felt sleazy doing it, but besides beating off in the shower three times a day, or throwing Julia down on sight, it was necessary. The only other solution was not to see her as much and that wasn’t happening. Being close to her, smelling her perfume or shampoo, it was bad. Like now.
Thank God, the movie was almost over because it was all I could do not to reach over and take her hand. I had to settle for our shoulders touching on occasion as we both leaned into each other. I sighed and glanced to my right. Julia wasn’t looking at me, her profile open to my scrutiny, even in the dark. I loved the curve of her face; her small, perfect nose and how she bit her lower lip in concentration, watching the scene up on the screen. She grabbed her soda and brought it to her mouth without taking her eyes off of the movie. It was the end of the second Spiderman movie, and though I’d wanted to see it for a few months, we’d never gotten around to it. It was playing at a discount theater we often frequented. College students are poor bastards, even when your dad is a neurosurgeon. He was adamant that Aaron and I learn to manage money, so that meant roughing it.
