by Kahlen Aymes
Finals were next week, and I was silently grateful to be going home to Kansas City for summer break. My mom and dad were divorced and I’d grown up there so when I picked a place for college, I wanted to be closer to my dad. Ryan was staying on campus and taking summer classes, but maybe the distance away from him would do me good.
It was late, and when I yawned, Ryan caught it.
“Are you tired?”
I nodded and laid my head down in my folded arms, but turned to look at him. “Yes, aren’t you?”
Ryan shut down his laptop and set it on the floor before turning and crawling toward the end of the bed closest to the desk. He flopped back down on his stomach and propped his chin in his hand, his blue eyes darker in the dimness of the room.
“Yeah. You’re preoccupied. What’s up?”
My heart fell and soared at the same time. Part of me wished Ryan didn’t know me so well, but there was nothing I loved more than being with him.
My shoulder lifted in a half-shrug. “Just thinking about summer and stuff.”
Ryan rolled onto his back and shifted over on the bed, leaving a pillow free, he patted the bed next to him. He silently invited me to share it. I couldn’t help myself. I longed to feel the heat of his body only inches away, to smell the scent of his skin, to be closer. I moved the few feet necessary and lay next to him. He threw the old sleeping bag he used for a comforter over us both. It was unzipped and so covered most of the bed. I turned onto my side toward him, cuddling the bag closer and looking into his face. I could feel the heat radiating between us and filling up the space beneath the blanket, but I was careful not to touch him.
“Stuff?” he asked in a murmur. He reached up and grabbed the small remote he used to turn on the iPod docked on a shelf by the TV across the room. Soft music flooded the room and before I could stop myself, images floated through my mind of Ryan making love to faceless women in this room with music playing, in this bed.
I inhaled a shaky breath and nodded. “Yeah.”
“Are you worried what will happen with Dave over the summer?”
I shook my head, my eyes never leaving Ryan’s face. “No. I guess I should, huh?” Self-preservation should have taught me to be a better liar.
He shook his head, his hand reaching out to squeeze my upper arm that was beneath the covers. “He’s not the guy,” he said simply.
He was right. Dave wasn’t the guy. I was looking at the guy.
“You may be biased.”
He nodded. “I told you in February what I thought.”
I frowned at him. “Yes, but do you think you get a say?”
“As your friend, I want what’s best for you.”
Smack! I was starting to hate the F word. I huffed loudly and flopped onto my back. “So?”
“So, he’s a user.”
“It hasn’t been like that.”
“He’s a user,” he said it again, so matter-of-factly.
“You’re a fine one to talk, Ryan. I never see you with anyone. I mean, being friends and all, you’d tell me if you had a girlfriend. You’d bring her around me. Right?”
“You don’t bring that asswipe around me.” His voice was irritated.
“You’re never around. It’s not like I tell you to stay away.”
“I’m not a fan of animosity. I don’t tell you not to be around, either, but it’s easier, isn’t it?”
I turned toward him again. “I suppose. Do you have a girlfriend I don’t know about? Because if you did, wouldn’t I at least know about her? Jenna would tell me.” He didn’t say anything and just lay there looking at me. “She’s said you’ve been out on a few doubles with her and Aaron, but it’s always a different girl.”
“So?” he asked indifferently.
“So, you’re no different than Dave. He’s been seeing me for two months. Your record is what? 6 hours?” I knew my voice was filled with sarcasm, but I couldn’t hide it.
He didn’t look mad at me, but he studied my face. “The truth is, it’s weird to talk to you about it.”
The breath left my chest. Did he think I’d fall into a sobbing heap around him and his bimbos? If so, could I be more humiliated?
“Why? I know you’re with a different girl every weekend, so why don’t you want to introduce me? You think if I don’t meet them, I’m somehow oblivious?” I forced out a harsh laugh. “Please, Ryan.”
“Julia, that’s not it. And, yeah, I take girls out, but I’m not preying on women.”
“Yeah, so you’ve said. And, I know they practically beg. Forgive me. That’s so much better.” My chin jutted out of its own volition. I was pissed, and I started to get up, but Ryan’s hand shot out to stop me. His fingers wrapped around my arm.
“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I just think you and I are close, and it’s weird for them. It’s easier to keep you and me separate from that stuff.”
It was weird and painful for me, too, even if he wasn’t aware of it. Honestly, I didn’t need or want to be around it, but part of me hurt when I thought he was hiding things from me. I was sitting there, still as stone, and his hand remained around my arm. I finally pulled it free. “That has its drawbacks, too. Dave and I had a huge fight today. He’s pissed that I don’t want him to join us when I make plans with you.” If it was all copasetic, we should all be able to hang out together. The women would have to deal, and Dave would have to deal. The issue was that Ryan and I were close, and it was hard to dial it back. “He doesn’t want me spending time at your house alone with you. Like this.”
“Fuck him.”
“That’s what he says about you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Really?”
“No. I don’t give a fuck if that pissant is uncomfortable.”
“That is exactly why I can’t bring him around you!”
“Are you guys serious or what?” His words were more measured.
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “Didn’t you just tell me he wasn’t the guy?”
“See? You were listening.”
“But, it still doesn’t solve our problem. You and I should be able to be friends and still have relationships at the same time.”
“If you really like the guy, I’d deal with the prick.”
“Ryan.” I was exasperated. I felt like a lab rat running on one of those wheels inside a cage.
“If he treats you right, then I’m fine with him.”
“You won’t be a jerk? If we do start hanging out?”
Ryan sighed, and even in the darkness, I could feel his internal struggle as if it permeated the air around us. I wanted to reach out and touch him; my palm burned with it.
“Then you do like him.” It was a statement, not a question.
“I’m not sure. He’s nice.”
“As long as he’s genuine, and he hasn’t—uh…” He paused and grabbed my hand. “Julia, I don’t know how to say this without it coming out wrong.”
“Just say it, Ryan.” As well as we knew each other, it was almost ridiculous that he didn’t just say what was on his mind, though this subject hadn’t been a big topic of discussion for us before now.
“If he’s only trying to get you in bed, and then he treats you like hell afterward, I will beat the living shit out of him,” he blurted. “Not just him. Anyone who treated you like that.”
I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh. If Ryan only knew how I felt about that.
“I thought you’d be pissed I said that,” he said, surprised.
“I’m not really sure how I feel about it.” I lay down again and pulled on the edge of the sleeping bag. Ryan shifted to give some of it up. “I mean, I’ve thought about it. Sex doesn’t mean anything.”
“Maybe not to some people, but you’re different, Julia.”
“You do it, right? So why not me?”
“I don’t want you getting hurt. It’s not the same for dudes. Women can’t separate love and sex like men.”
“Really? Then wh
om are you screwing? You insist you’re not hurting anyone. That’s a contradiction.”
“Well, I mean…”
“Ryan, you can’t have a double standard between men and women, then apply one set of rules to me and another to the girls you sleep with. Right?”
I could tell Ryan was smiling because his white teeth flashed. He couldn’t weasel out of it. I nailed it. My phone started ringing, and I ignored it. I wasn’t in the mood for round two with Dave.
When Ryan didn’t answer, I decided to take a risk. I was going to test his feelings and throw it out there. “I kind of wish I could have sex with Dave and still be best friends with you. Because…”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
I felt like I was about to tell my deepest secret. “Have you considered that we could be friends with benefits, Ryan?”
His head snapped around, he hesitated for the briefest moment, and his eyes narrowed. “No, it can’t happen. You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Even more than Aaron,” he said seriously. He said it couldn’t happen, but he didn’t say he didn’t think about it.
“So?”
“So, that means a lot to me.”
“And you hit it and leave. It wouldn’t be so easy to leave me and still be my friend. Right?”
“Not exactly. Thanks for your high opinion of me.”
“I do have a high opinion of you, but I think you’re no different from any other guy who fucks for the sake of fucking. You don’t have to deny it.”
His eyes sparkled, and I could see the wheels turning around behind them. “In a way, yeah, but do you think I do it on purpose? I mean, it happens, but I don’t deliberately target girls to get into their pants. And if something more were to come of it, I wouldn’t avoid it necessarily, but it would be a complication. I’m focusing on school, and I only have time for one woman in my life. That’s you.”
My heart swelled, but what was he really saying? “What does that mean, Ryan?”
“It means I like everything the way it is.”
I nodded, resigned to our plight. “Me, too. It would make things easier, though. At least, I wouldn’t get yelled at for spending time with you.”
“How do you feel about this guy?” His expression was serious and concerned.
“He’s okay. He’s attractive, and he’s been nice, when he’s not jealous of you.”
“Jealousy means he won’t go for sex without a relationship. Maybe he genuinely cares about you Jules. I’m surprised as shit I just said that.” Ryan’s voice was gentle.
“I guess,” I replied. I wished it mattered to me.
“Jules, think about it over summer break, and if, when you come back in the fall, you want to spend less time with me to make it easier with Dave, I’ll understand.”
“Ryan, we tried that already, didn’t we?” My throat tightened painfully and the back of my eyes began to sting. I didn’t want to be without Ryan. I knew he was the reason I couldn’t be open to a relationship with anyone else, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I spent so many nights crying, alone with my broken heart and sketchpad. Ryan was all that mattered. Moments when we were together like this were all that mattered. “It didn’t work well for either one of us.”
“I know, but I don’t want to keep you from being with Dave if that’s what you really want.”
“I don’t know what I want.”
“Okay. But I’ll stop being such a selfish dick. If you don’t want to be with him, that’s one thing, but you shouldn’t be kissing him off because you and I are friends. That’s not fair.”
“Okay.” My heart clenched. This meant that if he found a girl he really cared about, the friendship would take a backseat to that, too.
“But, I’ll still kick the shit out of him if he hurts you.”
~RYAN
Julia was sleeping in my bed and being so close to her was getting to me. I crawled out of bed and went to find some water. She was still fully dressed and I had sweatpants on, but I could feel the heat radiating off her, and my dick reacted as if she reached out and closed her fist around it. I couldn’t take it.
I filled a glass with tap water and took a swallow. I loved having Julia here. I loved our talks, even if the subject got a little too close for comfort.
Friends with benefits.
I could hardly believe Julia brought that shit up. I’d thought about it at least a thousand times. I’d beat off to the thought of sex with her a hundred times, probably. Thoughts of Julia naked and writhing beneath me, sighing my name in satisfaction, her hands on my flesh, and her hips rising to meet mine were all delicious torment. My dick swelled and stood at painful attention, even now. Fuck!
The problem hadn’t gone away despite our concerted effort to reduce our time together. Maybe it made it worse. I thought about her all the fucking time. I groaned and leaned both hands on the counter after I put the glass in the sink, sighing deeply. I didn’t know what to do about it, other than keep doing what I was doing. My hand closed around the aching offender, wishing to God I could turn it off like a switch. Maybe these overnights weren’t such a good idea, but damn if I didn’t like having her here. I liked her company, and I always looked forward to seeing her. It wasn’t that I could take it or leave it. It was that I needed to see her, or at least know I would see her; or I wasn’t content.
There was a knock on the door, and the sound startled me. I rushed to the door, searching around for something to throw on. Normally, I wouldn’t give a shit if I answered the door shirtless, but my raging hard-on posed a problem. There was a dirty button-down I’d discarded two days before laying on the big chair in the living room and I scrambled to grab it and throw it on before whoever was at the door knocked again. Julia, Aaron and Jenna were all sleeping, and it was 3 AM, for Christ’s sake.
I buttoned the bottom three buttons in a hurry as I walked to the door. “I’m coming!” I said in a loud whisper. “Who is it?” I asked when I was next to it.
“Dave Kessler.”
My eyebrow shot up. Of course it was.
I opened the door but left the chain bolt in place. “Yeah?” I asked through the crack in the door.
“Open up, Matthews.”
“No. It’s three in the damn morning.”
“What are you, a hundred?”
“No, but I have a final in five hours.”
“Is Julia in there?”
“Uh…” I hesitated only briefly. Fuck it, I thought. “Yep.” I was about to do the unthinkable, and only the degree of nastiness was in question. “She’s asleep in my room.”
I peered at him steadily through the door, my left arm raised above my head as I leaned on the wood. His face turned a mottled red.
“I want to talk to her. Now.”
“Not happening. We were up late, and she also has an early test. Talk to her tomorrow.”
His fist slammed into the door hard, making a loud crash.
“Don’t be an asshole,” I said calmly. “You’ll wake everyone up. Just go home.”
“Come out here. Let’s go!”
I huffed and my lips twitched. Was this dickhead for real? “Go home, Dave. Talk to Jules tomorrow.”
He banged the door again, trying to shove it and break the chain, but I was a counterweight on the other side, and it didn’t budge. “Open the door, Matthews! Just what the fuck is going on with you and Julia?”
My eyebrow shot up. “Look, idiot. I can come out there and you can try to fight me. You’ll lose. Or, I can call the cops and you can get your ass hauled away. Third option,” I lowered my voice and slowed down my words, “—you can talk to Julia tomorrow.”
“She didn’t answer her phone all day. I was worried about her.”
“Yeah, she said you had a fight.” He stiffened at my words. “When she’s with me, you don’t have anything to worry about.”
“What the fuck is between you two? Is she fucking you behind my back when s
he won’t let me touch her?”
I guess I could see why he was so livid, but he’d overstepped. I’d be furious if the positions were reversed, and there was part of me that wanted any excuse to kick his ass. I opened the door, pulled back my arm and hit him hard—one blow square in the nose. He stumbled back then landed on his ass with a thud.
I leaned down so I could lower my voice. “Think, asshole.” I touched my temple as he glared up at me. “If Julia and I were fucking, do you think for one second she’d be seeing you at all? If she’s not letting you touch her, then you have a major problem that has zero to do with me. She isn’t at your beck and call for one day, and you run over here with a chip on your shoulder?” I laughed out loud. “Get over it.”
While I was talking, Dave got up from the floor. “You’re such a condescending dick, Matthews.”
“No, I’m not. I just know Julia. She said you’re nice, and she likes you, but she’s not into you. I think it’s obvious to both of us.”
“Fuck you!” Kessler was even angrier now, and with a grunt, he drew back his fist to slug me. I caught his fist in my open hand, and easily used it to push him back and away from me with all the force I had. The muscles in my arm and chest strained, but I was taller and had more leverage. I shoved him further back in the hall, and he stumbled when I released his hand. This time, he didn’t fall but landed against the opposite wall.
I went back into my apartment and started to close the door as Aaron walked into the room.
“What’s up, Ryan?”
I turned back toward the man outside the door. “You’re acting like a bitch. Women like dicks. Grow one.” I shut the door in his face and locked it. “Motherfucker,” I muttered.
“Who was it?”
“Kessler,” I said in disgust. “If he so much as scratches that door, I’m calling the cops. I don’t give a shit if he is your frat brother.”
Aaron crossed his arms across his bare chest. “Is this about Julia?”
“No. It’s about some dickhead having a temper tantrum in the middle of the night.” I rubbed the back of my neck.
“Is Jules still here?”
