by Kahlen Aymes
What in the hell was I doing here?
My heart pounded in my chest, a slight sheen of perspiration broke out on my forehead, while my fingers itched to pull out my phone and check for a call. I must have done so at some point because I found myself staring down at the blank screen and blinking several times to try to change the image. My heart fell.
What the fuck? What did you expect, asshole? I chastised myself. Julia knew I had a date tonight, and Ellie planned a girls’ night out at one of the campus hangouts. She was bright with an effervescent personality that drew people to her. She was fun, exciting, and she thought about shit like I did. She had opinions and they were solid. Wherever she was, she was surrounded with people clamoring for some of her time. She wasn't just beautiful; she was incredible. She was good. People flocked to her. Men didn't just want to fuck her. They wanted to know her, and that fact scared the shit out of me. I’d seen it sophomore year when that user, Dave Kessler, tried to land her. I was terrified some nameless guy would sweep in and try to replace me in her life.
Julia. Her name reverberated in my brain and shivered through my soul.
Who was I fucking kidding with this shit? I ran a hand through my hair and sat back in the chair, praying the evening would end so I could check on her.
Where was she, and what was she doing? Was she home? Would she be alone? I couldn't shut off my mind, and I was tormented by the lack of answers. The tightness in my chest got worse and I sucked in a deep breath in a desperate attempt to keep from suffocating.
My thoughts were consumed with her more and more lately, but still, I tried to tell myself she was only my best friend. Only my best friend? Those words shaped my entire life at this point. I tried to shake it again, but nothing I did could change my feelings. Nothing. My eyes roamed the restaurant and longingly passed over the front entrance; the portal for my escape.
I knew I needed to get my head on straight, but my heart wasn't listening. My body wasn't listening. I was consumed; day and night. Julia was all I thought about. When I was away from her, I couldn't wait to get back to her and when I was with her, I was dying to touch her. And her mouth... Jesus, I wanted to taste that mouth. I was starving to finally kiss her. It was like I was in the deepest hell because I couldn’t act on it.
“Ryan!” This time the voice was irritated and it was another mouth speaking. I forced my blurry eyes to focus on her face. It didn't matter that I wanted to bolt for the door or that it felt like my fucking skin was crawling off my body. I was here, and I owed it to Samantha to get through the evening.
“Uh, sorry, Sam. What were you saying?” I flushed guiltily and tried to carry on the most basic conversation, hoping she would want the evening to end as badly as I did. She prattled on and on about mind-numbing bullshit I couldn’t recall five minutes later.
Somehow, I made it through the next two hours but the last few minutes were the worst. I'd peeled the girl off me when I'd taken her home, telling her the food made me feel ill so I could make a hasty retreat. She was disappointed; she wanted more, but it was impossible. It couldn't happen. I just couldn't do it anymore. Something had happened to change me. No longer could I act on instinct and pure animal need. Someone had happened, and that someone was in my heart and in my head… under my fucking skin.
I was such a coward. Tell the fucking truth, for God's sake! Just admit it! You're head-over-heels in love with your best friend. Be a man, finally. Make her see you for more than her friend.
I'd known it for almost three years, but somehow, admitting it put the relationship we had at risk, teetering on the precipice of uncertainty. I wasn't willing to risk the fall. I wasn't willing to risk the loss. I'd been forcing myself to continue with business as usual but I was precariously close to slipping up on so many occasions; so often, almost touching her face, pressing into her when we hugged goodbye, or spilling my guts on the floor at her feet. All of that was dangerous.
We knew each other inside and out. Julia and I didn't have secrets... except for how crazy in love with her I was and how desire and jealousy were eating me alive. One thing I was sure of; I did not want to lose her. I needed her. She was everything, and I... well, I was seriously screwed. I tried not to hope she mirrored my feelings because then I’d be lost. There were moments, like today at lunch, when I sensed the way she withdrew from me, when hope nudged into my heart at the same time as it ached. If we were only friends, why did I feel so damn empty when I was with someone else? Why did I feel guilty? Why did she close off like she did?
I sighed deeply as my fingers tightened around the steering wheel of my car. I realized I was sitting in front of the building where Julia shared an apartment with Ellie, but without any memory of how in the hell I'd gotten there.
I glanced up at the second-story window of their living room, and there was a low flickering light. Candles. I closed my eyes as my heart constricted. I knew she had boyfriends; I’d had to mentally school myself to back off, but it never got any easier. In my mind and heart, she belonged to me, and the thought of anyone else touching her ate away at my insides like acid. I'd never touched her like that, but still, it was killing me that anyone else would. That she would allow it, or want it, was more than I could stand thinking about.
The clock on my dash said 11:32 PM. Before I knew it, I was bounding up the stairs two at a time until I was standing, heart pounding, on the outside of the oak door that led to Julia's place. I couldn't hear voices, but there was music filtering softly through the walls. My fists clenched at my sides in protest.
I'd seen that idiot, Jason Milner, ogling Julia in the cafeteria when she and Ellie were discussing their plans for the evening. He'd known where they were going even though he wasn't part of the conversation.
My hand hovered over the door, and I dropped it.
“Fuck, Matthews. Make a decision,” I muttered under my breath then let my fist connect with the wood three times before I could change my mind.
“Julia, it's me.” I waited and heard some rustling behind the door. Please let her be alone. “Julia?”
The chain rattled on the other side of the door as she struggled to open it, and finally, the door flung open. She was standing in front of me, her eyes wide and questioning, her hair messed up, without make-up.
“What are you doing here? I thought you had plans.” Confusion flitted across her beautiful features.
My eyes soaked in the site of her. Her hair was in a knot on the top of her head haphazardly, with tendrils escaping around her face. She was wearing pink and blue striped pajama pants and a white wife beater. I tried to ignore the expanse of bare skin and her hipbones that were showing above the waistband of the pajamas. Probably when she turned around, her butt dimples would show. Her top was skimpy and the obvious lack of bra was harder to avoid. My body reacted against my will, and I shoved my hands into the front pockets of my jeans.
I didn't wait for an invitation and brushed by Julia to come inside, my eyes scanning the apartment for any evidence of a man's presence. There was a glass of wine sitting on her art table, but no other. I smiled in relief then turned back toward her.
“Uh, crash and burn.” I readily dismissed the subject and noticed the candle burning on the end table by the couch. It was the only light in the room. The music was recognizable—a compilation she'd done of Sara Bareilles, Sia, and a few other softer artists. “It's awfully cozy in here. Am I interrupting something?”
Her eyes narrowed as she hesitated momentarily before shaking her head and closing the door. Her head cocked and I noticed her hair was damp on one side of her face; her eyes were red-rimmed and swollen. Her hand came out to rest briefly on the front of my shirt as she passed.
The familiar electricity shot through me at her touch and the sweet coconut scent of her shampoo enveloped me. I longed to take her hand and press it into the muscles on my abdomen, to feel her fingers spread out over my body. I never wanted her to stop touching me but I was anxious about the obvious signs of her
tears. I grabbed her hand in mine and stared intently down into her face.
“I was just drawing and trying to relax. Are you hungry? Do you want some wine?”
“Wine, sure. Are you okay? Have you been crying, Julia?” I felt my skin flush with heat at what her tears might mean. “Did you go out with Ellie? Did Milner bother you at the bar? I knew he'd show up there. Did he... touch you?” I followed her into the kitchen. “Did he?”
She smiled but went about the business of pouring me a glass of wine.
“No, Matthews. It's sweet of you to worry, but relax. I just... I didn't feel like going out tonight.” She lifted her right shoulder in a half-assed shrug. “My uh... allergies are acting up.”
She handed me the glass and we both moved back into the living room. Something felt off. She was fidgeting slightly, which wasn't like her.
“Do you need me to run out and get you some medicine? I wouldn’t mind.” Julia walked to the art table and began to put her things away with her back to me.
“I'm okay, Ryan, thank you. It's early. What happened on your date?” She was still putting her drawings into her black portfolio, setting it on the floor, up against the table leg, when she finished. I couldn't see her expression but the tone in her voice was hesitant.
“Nothing.” I shrugged. “Just... wasn't interested, I guess. And.—” I sat down on the couch and kicked off my shoes. I didn't have to ask. If I wanted to crash here for the rest of the night, Julia would allow it.
“And?”
“And, I wanted to make sure you were okay. I was worried Milner would bother you tonight. He practically licked your skin today, and I know what kind of man he is. Aaron told me he's a user. I don't trust him and I don't want to see you get hurt.” That was the truth, but there was more. I can't bear the thought of him touching you. He's a manwhore, my brain protested. “I don't want you near him, okay? Just stay away from him. There are plenty of other guys to... date.”
She finally sat at the other end of the couch and pulled her knees under her. Sipping from her glass, she watched me over the rim, letting her eyebrows raise in question.
“I’m having déjà vu. Didn’t you say something similar about David Kessler?”
“Maybe, they’re both slime.”
“Giving me orders now?” she asked.
“Yes.” I smirked at her, and she laughed out loud. All was right with my world. “Taking orders now?”
“In this only because I agree; he's a sleaze. Just don't get used to it,” she admonished with a teasing lilt.
I chuckled as I relaxed. It was so like Julia to put me at ease. “I won't. But stay the fuck away from him,” I said again.
We both sobered as we looked into each other's eyes and I was aching. She looked so soft and inviting, her mouth dropped open slightly, and my breath rushed from my lungs. I wanted to reach out and touch her, to sink into her softness, to kiss her. I'd wanted it for so long... wanted it so badly I burned with it. My eyes dropped to her mouth, and I couldn't tear them away from those sweet lips. She licked them once then her top teeth appeared, biting down on the lower one.
“Why?” She looked at me for a few seconds more, her eyes intent on mine and I wondered if she could feel the same pull I did. She threw down the challenge and waited, daring me to tell her the truth. Knowing me as she did, I was certain she knew I was in love with her. How could she not know? I gravitated to her like the tide to the moon, but like me, she never said a word about it.
“I don't want him anywhere near you.” The admission was ripped from inside my chest before I could stop it. I tried to recover by sitting back a little and reaching for the wine glass again. I cleared my throat. “Uh, he's not good enough for you.”
“Who is?” she asked softly.
If I didn't say something fast, I was going to give in to the need and while the thought thrilled me, I was concerned what the next day would bring. “Exactly.”
She looked down at her glass and nodded ever so slightly. Did she understand how consumed I was, that I couldn't take anyone being with her, save me? The skin on her cheeks infused with a rosy blush as the uncomfortable silence hung between us like a storm. She was so fucking gorgeous she stole my breath away.
“Do you feel like watching a movie with me?”
“Of course. HBO or DVD?” she asked softly.
“It doesn't matter. Anything.” I grabbed the remote from the coffee table as she settled in next to me.
“You choose.”
We weren't touching, but I could feel her in the air around me, her scent soaking into my skin. Contentment settled over me like a blanket, the heat radiating between us, the electricity vibrating and ready to spark at the slightest touch. The two of us together were like a combustion engine ready to fire, but my body relaxed next to hers, and I could breathe easily for the first time all evening.
It was as I needed it to be. Julia was right here. With me and no one else.
The Future of Our Past
The Remembrance Trilogy, Book #1
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.
The Future of Our Past: The Remembrance Trilogy—Book I Copyright © 2012 Kahlen Aymes. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, trans- mitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scan- ning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.
The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Cover art Copyright © ThinkStock Photo/86534108/Couple Holding Hands Outdoors/JupiterImages/Getty Images Copyright © ThinkStock Photo/104876724/Shinny Bright Diamond/iStock Photo
Published by Telemachus Press, LLC http://www.telemachuspress.com
Visit the author blog site: http://www.kahlenaymes.com
ISBN# 978-1-937698-96-6 (eBook) ISBN#978-1-937698-97-3 (paperback)
Version 2012.04.16
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Chapter 1
RYAN ~
Harvard Medical School.
I’d dreamed about it since I was twelve, my parents had dreamed about it since I was born, and now the reality of it was staring me in the face. The acceptance letter fell from my shaking hands as I sank down on the sofa in the apartment I shared with my best friend, Aaron.
He and I had been best friends since we were kids. He moved in with us after his mom and dad were killed in a car accident and a few years later, my parents legally adopted him.
Now, Julia was my best friend. She was …everything.
I spent most of my college career convincing myself otherwise, but the prospect of leaving her to go to Boston, was sucking the air from my lungs. I literally couldn’t breathe; my chest constricted and heat infused beneath my skin in a flush. My heart was pounding so fast I thought it would fly from my body.
What was I going to do? This was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
Aaron walked in and I didn’t even hear him; I had my hands fisted in my hair and my elbows closed over my face as I sat there motionless, except for the heaving of my chest.
“Dude… what the hell is wrong with you?” Aaron’s deep voice finally intruded on my thoughts.
“Uh…Sorry. When did you get back?”
“Ryan, I’ve been talking to you for five minutes! I got my acceptance letter. Did you?” His tone was
excited and he was smiling from ear to ear.
I bent to scoop up the letter from the floor where it had fallen and went to stare out the window. Fall had left the trees barren of their lush leaves, reminding me of what my life would become if I went to Boston; a blank page, without the colors that Julia painted on my life. It seemed so bleak, a wasteland.
We met in a freshman psychology class my second semester at Stanford. I was instantly mesmerized by her flowing dark hair and translucent skin. She had a soft blush on her cheeks and I was drawn to her stunning face; lips that were full and luscious and sparkling dark green eyes. I’d never seen anything more beautiful. She made some sarcastic remark about the lameness of the class and how unnecessary it was for a degree in advertising and marketing. I found myself bursting to speak to her.
“Or most anything…for that matter,” I agreed. Her bright eyes met mine and I was done.
We’d been getting closer as time went on, completely relying on each other for anything and everything…practically inseparable and that was how I liked it.
Three years later, she wasn’t sure where she wanted to live after graduation, and had been applying for jobs at various magazines on both coasts and Chicago. Everything was up in the air, except that she and Ellie planned to move somewhere together. There were only a couple of months until graduation when life would take us in different directions.
We’d talked about it a little, both of us feeling the weight of real life about to intrude on the little Ryan and Julia bubble we’d created, and the discussion had never gotten serious. I sighed loudly as I struggled to expel the emotions threatening to choke me.
“Ryan…what the fuck is your problem? Did you get rejected?”
“No. I, uh, got accepted, too. Congratulations, man,” I muttered as my mind raced.
“You sound like your dog just died. Dude, we just got accepted into the most prestigious medical school in the country! Together! Are you on drugs?” He shoved me in the shoulder.
