by Kahlen Aymes
“Are you alright?” Jenna asked, full of concern.
I nodded and tried to bend down to get the discarded spoon but grimaced at the effort. Jenna got up and picked it up, putting it in the sink, then began wiping up the batter that was now spattered on the floor and cupboard.
“I was just wondering if Ryan was used to being spoiled, that’s all. Was he?” I was cautious and my eyes darted to hers.
Her mouth opened and then closed. She threw the rag back in the sink. “Oh,yeah. At least, more than Aaron.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows suggestively. “I try to make up for my lack of cooking skills and spoil him in other ways.”
“Ah.” I didn’t pry but I got her point. They were cute together, balancing each other out. Aaron was playful and silly, very intelligent, but that part of him wasn’t overtly on the surface. Jen was sarcastic and grounded but very sweet deep down. “Anyone can cook, Jen.”
She shook her head. “Not like you. I’m a good nurse and I have a solid head on my shoulders, but you…you’re talented in several ways. Very artistic.”
Ryan brought me some drawing pads and pencils while I was in the hospital, but I felt weird with it. There wasn’t anything that I really wanted to draw except Ryan, but that seemed intrusive and personal. I drew a couple of the nurses and made drawings from pictures of some of their children, but I wasn’t able to do a great job while one of my arms was incapacitated and I couldn’t anchor the page properly. I grimaced at how horrible they’d turned out.
“From what I’ve seen, my talent isn’t that impressive.” I rolled my eyes.
“Julia, you’re too hard on yourself. Your arm’s been in a sling, for God’s sake.”
I grated some lemon zest into the batter after I’d made sure the milk and eggs were all mixed in. I didn’t want the juice or the zest to curdle the milk. Not that it would have made that much difference. The oven timer beeped and Jenna removed the muffins. I had a dish towel laid out on the counter and she dumped the tin over to empty it.
“Should I wash this?” she asked.
“If you don’t mind.” I flipped the fresh muffins over and then dumped a good portion of poppy seeds into the lemon batter.
After a couple of minutes, I was refilling the pan with the new batter and topping it off with the crumb topping I’d made. “Why lemon, Julia?” Jenna was seated and eating a hot blueberry muffin. “I mean, why not banana or apple?”
I opened the oven and pushed the tins in. “Um…just a feeling. Why?”
“No reason,” she said, but something in her face made me probe.
“Jen, what is it?”
“Nothing.”
I nodded in acknowledgment of her question. “Oh…I see. They’re Ryan’s favorite, aren’t they?” My heart already knew the answer.
She popped the last bite of her muffin into her mouth and nodded. Happiness burst at this little bit of knowledge.
“This is an excellent sign. You always make both when you’re here. You’ll make your boy very happy when he sees those.”
“My boy?” I asked cautiously.
She chuckled. “Duh, Julia.”
I made arrangements to take the 4:15 train to New York. Depending on how I felt once we got there, we could stay just tonight or the entire weekend. I’d finished packing a bag and was coming out of the bathroom when I heard Ryan’s angry expletive.
“What are you doing? Jen, you know this isn’t a good idea!” His voice was loud but then suddenly quieted. I hesitated in the hallway, longing to hear what he was saying. “Goddamn it! I don’t want her going without me!”
“Ryan, it will be fine. I won’t let anything happen.”
“Jenna! It isn’t about that. What if she remembers? I have to be with her when that happens. I have to,” he said tightly with something like desperation underlying the words. I couldn’t see his face, but already I could picture the pain.
“Even if Julia stays here, you might not be with her when she remembers. Be realistic. You could be at the hospital or on campus. There are no guarantees, Ryan. At least you’re using the word when instead of if now.”
“You don’t have to tempt fate, do you?”
“It isn’t up to me. Or you. She’s made up her mind.” Jenna’s voice was resigned and flat. “If I don’t go along, it won’t stop her and you know it.”
He sighed deeply and I could hear shuffling around the kitchen. “Shit, I know,” he said so softly I could barely hear it. “I just worry so fucking much.”
“It will be okay.”
I moved toward them, walking harder than necessary so they would hear me coming into the room. Ryan was leaning up against the bar, dressed in his ever-present scrubs. Jenna was in jeans, a red t-shirt and brown knee-high boots…clearly ready to leave. Her overnight bag was resting near the door and I set mine down beside it.
Ryan pushed himself away from the counter and walked to me as I hovered by the door. “Hey. How are you feeling?” He pushed my hair off of the left side of my face gently. I ached to press into his hand.
I smiled at him warmly. “I’m good. Ready to get going.”
His eyes softened slightly. “Please wait until I can take you.” His left hand took mine and squeezed it as he looked at me imploringly. “Please.”
I tipped my head to one side. “We’ve already discussed this. It’s not a big deal, Ryan, okay? I even made some food so I don’t have to worry about you and Aaron starving while I’m gone.”
He looked up at the ceiling. “You’re worried about me?” he said under his breath, more to himself than to me.
I put a hand on his arm and Jenna left the room discretely. I looked into his dark blue eyes and recognized the deep level of panic even though he was trying to hide it from me. “I’ll be fine. I’m more worried about you guys. Do you think you can turn the oven on to three hundred and fifty degrees and remember to take the lasagna out in an hour?” I said in a teasing tone.
He looked down at our hands and rubbed mine between both of his. “Julia, please understand that I can’t have anything happen to you. I don’t like how I’m feeling at the prospect of not being with you in case something happens. What if you need me?”
I removed my hands from his and put my arms around him, pressing my head to his chest. His arms enfolded me instantly and he inhaled deeply, his chin came to rest on the top of my head.
We stood holding each other for a minute until finally I found my shaking voice. “I do need you. I know that. But not to take me to New York.” My arms tightened and I felt his hands moving up and down on my back. I wanted him to understand that I felt the deep connection between us, and even not remembering, he’d come to mean so much to me. “It’ll be fine. Please don’t worry.”
“Of course I’m going to worry. Like crazy,” he said reluctantly, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “Will you call me tonight when you get there?”
I moved back and looked up into his face. “Okay. I promise.” My fingers found the front of his shirt and tugged on the fabric. His hands still lingered on my arms when Jen came back and walked to the door.
“Ready, Julia? We don’t want to be late.”
“Is Ellie meeting you?” Ryan asked, never taking his eyes off of mine.
“I wish she could, but it’s a lot of cash for the flight for just two nights.”
“Do you need a ride to the station? I can take you.” His words were slow and measured; the muscle in his jaw working overtime. I wanted to soothe him, but the holes in our relationship left me wondering how.
Emotions I didn’t recognize welled up in my chest and caused my eyes to burn. I blinked at the unexpected tears and struggled to clear my throat. “Uhmmm…nope. Jen called a cab.”
“Yeah, and it’s already here,” she said and pulled open the door. “Tell Aaron I’ll talk to him later, will you, Ryan?”
He didn’t answer her, still focused totally on me. “Do you need some money?” he asked softly, his fingers lingering on my shoul
ders and then sliding down my arms.
I reached up, touching the edge of his jaw, and shook my head. “I’m fine.” I stood on my tiptoes and placed a kiss where my fingers had been, letting my lips linger and my eyes close. He trembled slightly and suddenly there was nothing I wanted but to stay right there with him. “See you soon,” I forced out tightly.
He nodded without a word and then glanced over my head at Jenna.
“Be careful. Call me if anything happens.”
She rolled her eyes and held the door for me. “We’ll be fine. Don’t be such a worrywart. Go work out with Aaron or something. He misses you in the gym. Eat the fabulous meal Julia made for you and just take it easy. Come on, Julia. Let’s get the hell out of Dodge.”
I felt nervous on the way to the station and Jen chattered endlessly about all the shopping she wanted to do the following day. The look on Ryan’s face as we left made me very sad. He was being silly and overprotective, but somehow I understood the sadness. I felt it too, and it was familiar. Like leaving him was something that I did a lot.
I had many questions and maybe on the ride down to New York, Jenna would be more willing to share. My phone vibrated in my purse and as I reached inside to get it, Jenna huffed. “Can’t he even wait until we’re on the damn train?”
She was right; it was a text from Ryan. Texting was something that he’d showed me when he brought me home from the hospital. It was a fun way to keep in touch.
Please be careful and call me later. I’ll miss you. –R
I rubbed my thumb across the words on the screen.
“What?” Jen asked sarcastically. “Did he burn himself on the stove?”
I smiled and shook my head and then burst out laughing. Jenna had such a dry sense of humor, and it was impossible to remain sullen. “Uh, no. At least, not yet. He said he’ll miss me.”
“No shit. Nothing like stating the obvious. Men are such fucking babies. Ever notice that? They act all tough but really they’re a big pile of fluff and feathers. Sometimes with big gooey centers.”
A warm rush of heat flooded my cheeks. “Ryan seems…very strong. So accomplished and hardworking. Both he and Aaron are like that.”
“Yes. They’re both remarkable. Ryan is the more sensitive of the two. He’s always so in tune with the needs of others. Even people he can’t stand, he helps.”
Ah yes, Liza. I knew what she was hinting so I decided to take the bait. “I’m sure he’ll make a good doctor. He told me about that fellow student he helps, if that’s what you mean.”
“Stalker bitch. It’s pathetic the way she tries to wrap it up in paltry attempts to get him to help her.”
“I’m surprised he fell for it.”
“Oh, he didn’t. He knows what she’s after, but he feels a responsibility to the patients. To make sure she knows what she’s doing.”
“Well…that isn’t his responsibility.”
“Ryan makes everything his responsibility. Haven’t you figured that out yet?”
“Hmmm…maybe that’s why he feels so responsible for me. For my recovery.”
“Are you kidding me? Hardly, Julia. You’re something else all together.”
I looked down at the message again and started to type a reply. My heart swelled with hope at her words.
I already miss you, too. Thank you for understanding. I’ll be okay. Promise.
“Jen,” I began as I replaced my phone inside my purse, “Do you think…what if I never remember? Do you think Ryan and I will still stay the way we are?”
She pursed her lips and considered for a moment.
“I…I mean, he told me we were close. Do you think we can be again?” I stammered.
Her hand came out to rest on mine. “You two will always be close. In observation, nothing seems to have changed much. You see the way he is with you.”
“Yes, but I can see his pain. I don’t want to hurt him. I can’t explain it, but when he hurts, I hurt, too.”
Her hand squeezed mine. “Yeah. I understand.” She wasn’t saying much and I wanted to scream in frustration. I bit my lip in consternation as the cab pulled up to the station, hoping that this weekend would help. I desperately wanted to find some connection to Ryan, something that would shed some light on the real status of our relationship. Feeling as I did about him after only this short time, how could I have known him for eight years and only been his friend? And why the hell aren’t they telling me anything?
RYAN~
“Ryan, get your ass in here and eat some of this, man. If you don’t, I’m going to have it all gone and Julia will beat my ass!”
I stood, with my hands on my hips, staring out at the window and the tire tracks left by the cab that took Julia and Jenna away. The tightness in my chest kept me from feeling hungry, even though it smelled delicious. “Just save some of it, piglet. I’ll eat later.”
“Okay, but you don’t know what you’re missing. She has fresh bread sticks and salad too. Brownies and the muffins. Man, I swear to God, if you don’t marry that girl soon, I’m going to marry her myself.”
My heart fell. Yeah, that was the plan and every day I prayed that I would wake up and see recognition on her beautiful features, her green eyes glistening with the memories that meant the world to us both.
“At least have a beer,” Aaron called.
“I thought you wanted to go work out. You shouldn’t drink first. Drink after, jackass.” I moved in and pulled out a chair, leaned back and sprawled my legs out in front of me.
Aaron’s face sobered but he still kept forking food into his mouth. It did smell really good.
“Okay, so no beer. What about a muffin?”
“What? Are you my mother?” I muttered irritably. It wasn’t fair to take it out on him and really what would make me feel better was finding an outlet for all of the pent up aggression. “I don’t feel like a blueberry muffin, Aaron. She made those for you anyway.”
“I guess she did.” He nodded and swallowed. He reached out and flipped the dishtowel covering the muffins on the table. “But, who in the hell did she make these for, huh?”
My eyes glanced up and I saw a plate full of lemon muffins, just like she always made with extra crumb topping. I took a deep breath, and reached for one, bringing it up to inhale the aroma.
“So, if she isn’t remembering, then how in the hell did she know to leave that crumb stuff off of my muffins and load yours up?” He smiled and shoved me in the shoulder.
I shrugged. “She’s only remembering subconsciously, little things like this. I need her to remember everything, Aaron. The loneliness is killing me.” I felt the ache thread through my voice. “Being near her and not having her…I’m in hell.”
“Why? She’s here.”
I frowned at him. “Never mind. You don’t understand and I’m not in the mood to explain it. Let’s go to the gym when you’re finished eating. I feel the need to beat the shit out of something, so will you spot me on the bag?”
“Yeah, but I want to lift, too, okay?”
“Sure.”
The rumblings in my stomach finally got the better of me and I ate the muffin in my hand and went to change into my gym clothes. As I was tying my shoelaces, my phone vibrated and I pulled it out of the pants I’d just left on the floor. There was a message from Julia but before I could read it, the phone rang.
“Hi, Ellie,” I answered. “I wish you were going to New York. Jen and Julia left about an hour ago.”
“I wish I could. I wanted to call and check on you. How are you holding up?”
I leaned back on the bed until I was lying looking up at the ceiling, my legs bent at the knees over the edge. “I’m fine, I guess. I miss us and I want her back. I need to know she loves me. It’s torture. I’m such a pussy.”
“Oh, Ryan,” she said quietly. “She trusts you completely. I can tell when I talk to her. She’s worried about you. She knows you’re suffering which tells her that there is more between you.”
“I gu
ess I’m not doing a great job of hiding it,” I said in disgust.
“You know that she loves you, Ryan. She’s hoping that she’ll remember in New York.”
“Yeah? Well, I’m afraid she’ll remember losing the baby and I won’t be there to take care of her. She can’t go through that without me, Ellie. I couldn’t bear it.”
“Oh shit, Ryan! I should have thought about this before!” Her voice was filled with anxiety.
“What is it?”
“Right before Julia left to come to Boston, she took a pregnancy test. We both left so fast, I’m sure it’s still in the bathroom…”
“Fuuucck!” I sat straight up as I said it, my pulse starting to pound. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears like a freight train. “If she sees that, it’s sure to hit her like a ton of bricks.” I ran a hand through my hair and looked at my watch. Their train wouldn’t get into New York until 8:45.
“Uh, call Jen. See if she can beat Julia into the bathroom and get rid of it. Make sure you tell her to remove the box from the trash as well.”
“Yeah. Okay.” I sucked in a breath so big my lungs threatened to burst. “That could work. I’ll text her. Julia would ask about a call.”
I could hear Ellie sigh too. “I wish I could be there with her this weekend, but with Harris playing and the short notice, I just couldn’t get away.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad Jenna was free. Ellie, what else could she find?”
“Hopefully, she’ll just get some clothes. She may get a glimpse of her job offer in Paris. She was in the middle of packing, but otherwise, a few pictures, Ryan. She has pictures of the two of you together scattered around. Some of the six of us. More of Elyse, Gabriel and her parents.”
“I shouldn’t have let her go.”
“She’s gonna remember sometime, Ryan. Maybe sooner is better than later.”
“I hope she does, but I’m torn. I know it will kill her. She’ll be so hurt. I’d give anything to keep her from that.”
“Anything? Even the last eight years?” I lost my breath. “You two will have more babies. She’ll get over it if she still has you.” I didn’t say anything which prompted Ellie to continue. “How are you dealing with it?”
