by Kahlen Aymes
I cranked the oven to 475 and leaned down to pull a skillet and the roasting rack from the cupboard. I seasoned and seared the meat before tucking it into the hot oven with the foil wrapped potatoes and set the timer for one hour. I wanted a bath, internally reminding myself that it was wrong to feel sorry for myself. Fuck it. I did feel sorry for myself. Whatever.
I passed the boxes of new Christmas ornaments next to the half a dozen that each of our mother’s had sent, and the naked tree waiting patiently for attention. This was our first Christmas together as a married couple, and Ryan wanted to decorate the tree after dinner with a roaring fire in the fireplace. I planned to meet him at the door in nothing but the sheer red babydoll trimmed in white fluff and a Santa hat and tease him mercilessly all evening; maybe even follow it up with a good game of Truth or Dare. Now that was all shot to hell, and if I had my way, the tree wouldn’t get decorated until Jane and Daniel had gone home.
The small amount of time I’d spent in Jane and Ryan’s presence taught me that I’d be completely left out of the conversations as they discussed medical procedures or emergency cases. Ryan was passionate about his work and Jane appeared completely captivated by every word that came out of his mouth. Naturally, he couldn’t help his enthusiasm for his work and her interest in it. The fact that she knew the medical jargon and details about the running of the ER made it easy for her to interject what I couldn’t. Ryan shared with me about his work as I shared mine with him, but obviously, it was on a different level. With Jane, he could talk ‘shop’ and he seemed to enjoy it a lot. Between that and the shared near-death experience, they had a lot to talk about. Hopefully, with Daniel invited, too, it might be less all-engrossing. I was looking forward to finally putting a face with Jane’s description of her beau.
Ryan was angry that the man had been so absent when Jane needed him most, and if I knew my husband, he’d find a way to make the other man squirm during dinner conversation. Yay. I was so looking forward to that since it would only make Jane more googly-eyed for Ryan. I huffed at the direction of my thoughts and did my best to push them away as I stripped off my clothes and added my favorite bath salts to the water. I had an hour to lounge in the tub and it was just what I needed.
With my phone safely on the vanity, I sank thankfully into the warmth of the soothing water. I closed my eyes; trying desperately to push any resentment toward Jane away. It wasn’t fair to be angry with her. Her intrusion was a small price to pay for what she had done and soon it would all fade into the background. I would be gracious to our guests and not torment Ryan by telling him of my Santa plans. I just wish he would’ve asked me first and that it didn’t have to be tonight of all nights.
I rubbed wearily at my temples. Work was hectic, and with plans for the New Year’s Eve bash at Lincoln Center, there would be no possible way that Ryan and I could get away to Chicago for Christmas as his parents had hoped. We should have known that his schedule and my obligations at the magazine would make it impossible this year. I longed to invite them to New York, but our apartment was small and Ryan would probably be working at least part of Christmas Eve or Day. I’d pestered him six weeks ago to put in an early request for New Year’s Eve so he could accompany me to the gala and I suspected he’d be required on the other holiday. We’d talked about it and decided that it was more important that he attend, however, I didn’t look forward to Christmas Eve without him. I didn’t know what my problem was, I’d known he’d be working like a dog for the next four or five years, and it was better than being separated by two hundred miles, but I still missed him like crazy. Sometimes, I felt silly how much.
When the intercom buzzed and the phone rang simultaneously, I was startled, sitting up in the tub and splashing water on the floor.
“Shit!” I ranted as I hopped out and grabbed the phone and a towel and slipped on a puddle next to the tub. I flailed and grabbed the sink just in time to catch myself, but the phone went clattering to the floor and I winced as pain shot through my lower back. Ugh. The buzzer sounded again as I scrambled to answer the phone. It was Ryan.
“Hi, sweetie.” I tried to keep the pain still ricocheting through me out of my voice as I struggled into the white robe I’d left hanging on the bathroom door and hurried to the front door of the apartment. “I need to call you back. Someone’s here and the doorman is buzzing.”
“Go see who it is. I’ll hold on.”
I didn’t argue. “Okay. Just a second.” I pushed down on the intercom, still holding the phone to my head. “Yes, Adam?”
“Miss Cooper is here, ma’am. Should I send her up?”
Are you fucking kidding me? She was two hours early! I was dripping wet and not prepared to entertain her until Ryan arrived home, but what could I do?
“Sure. Just give me five minutes, Adam.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“Damn! I’m sorry, Jules,” Ryan muttered on the phone.
“It’s fine, but I don’t have much time to talk.” I hoped my irritation wasn’t coming through on the phone. “I’m not dressed, I don’t have make-up on… and dinner isn’t to a place where I can sit and socialize. I was not prepared for guests tonight.”
Ryan sighed. “They weren’t supposed to show up until 8 o’clock.”
“I wish they weren’t showing up at all.” The words were out before I could stop them; the phone perched between my ear and shoulder as I struggled to pull on panties and jeans over my wet legs. I jumped up and down a couple of times as I yanked them on over my wet legs.
“Julia,” Ryan began. “I was trying to give Daniel a reason to show his face.”
I pulled a white cable knit sweater from bottom drawer of the dresser and a bra from the top one, slamming it when I was done and then shoving the red negligee’ carelessly into another one. Screw it if it got rumpled. I didn’t fucking care.
“Honestly, Ryan? If Jane isn’t enough incentive to show up, I doubt an evening with us will be. In any case, Adam didn’t mention Daniel. Apparently, he’s not with her.”
I inhaled deeply, trying to wash the anger away. The man probably wouldn’t show up at all and I was beginning to wonder if he even existed. I felt flustered and pissed at Ryan and I couldn’t help if it showed in my voice. “Is her relationship your responsibility now, too?” I didn’t wait for his answer and rushed on. “I gotta go, Ryan. She’s ringing the doorbell.” I shut my phone off and threw it on the bed, ran into the bathroom and quickly brushed my hair off my face and tied it up in a messy knot. My face was pale except for the angry flush on my cheeks. I shrugged ambivalently at my reflection; my plans to take extra time with my appearance impossible, now, too. Whatever. If Ryan thinks I look like a hag, it’s his own damn fault.
I hurried down the hall to the door and stopped, pushing a lose strand of hair out of my eyes and pasting a bright smile on my face before I opened the door.
“Hi, Jane! Come in, please.” I tried to sound happy to see her. She looked amazing and I felt hideous. Her hair was curled and hung in soft waves to her shoulders, her eyes were bright, lined perfectly and she smelled flowery as she walked past me into the apartment.
“Hi, Julia. I’m sorry I’m early. I went to meet up with Daniel, thinking he and I could have drinks first because I live so far out. I took the subway in,” she was rambling. I took her coat and groaned internally at her pretty dark blue cocktail dress. Coupled with her expensive high heels, it left me feeling like Little Orphan Annie. Jane turned to watch me go into the kitchen and I motioned for her to follow. “Well, he didn’t want to leave work yet, and I had nothing to do. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Of course not,” I lied, gushing as much as I could manage. “I’m happy to have you! You can keep me company while I finish dinner, though I might sneak away to freshen up a little when we’re done.” I smiled again and ushered her onto a stool. When she was sitting at the counter, I pulled the baked potatoes out of the oven with oven mitts and left them to cool on the wire rack.
&nbs
p; I went toward the refrigerator and my eyes found the Merlot sitting on the counter that I’d planned to share with Ryan. I’d bought two bottles, one for dinner and one for Truth or Dare. I prayed my aggravation wasn’t showing on my face. “Would you like a drink, Jane? I have Ryan’s favorite wine for dinner, but I can open it now, if you wish.” I opened the refrigerator and rummaged through it.
She hovered and I glanced over my shoulder. “Do you like red wine?” I asked. Her unease was plain and I felt terrible that I was resenting her presence. “I can get you something else. Soda, tea, Perrier?”
“I like it, but let’s save the wine for Ryan. I’ll have Perrier, please.” Jane glanced around the small apartment; taking in the art table and the keyboard sitting next to each other in the small living room, then back around the kitchen. “What’s his favorite?” she asked as I pulled the bottle out.
“Well, we’re saving for a house, so his favorite at the moment is Charles Shaw. It’s cheap.” My smile was genuine. “Do you want ice?” When she shook her head, I poured the Perrier into two glasses after adding ice to one.
“Is the art table yours?”
“Uh huh. Guilty.”
“I figured. Because of your job.” Her conversation felt forced and I wanted to make her feel more at ease.
“Yes, I use pencil and other mediums. Soft pastels, charcoal…” I switched on the stereo and the strains of Pink’s “Trouble” flowed into the room from one of the Top 40 stations. “I’ve always been artsy. My dad called me artsy-fartsy when I was young. It was so embarrassing! Ryan tried it once, but I smacked him good.” Jane laughed as I removed the potatoes from the foil, sliced the tops off of each and then switched off the oven. The meat would remain inside for two more hours without added heat: very hot at first then slowly finishing to assure that the ends of the roast would be more medium-well but the center would remain a perfect medium-rare.
“What are you making, Julia? It smells delicious. I wish I could cook as well as you.”
“Everyone has their own special talents but cooking is easy. If you can read, you can cook.” I shrugged then realized I hadn’t answered her question. “Prime rib, twice-baked potatoes and roasted asparagus.”
Jane’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow. It will be delicious, but that’s expensive, isn’t it?”
“Tonight was a splurge. I wanted to do something special, plus, it would make a couple of lunches for Ryan, and I usually make stew out of the leftovers.” I scooped the insides of the potatoes into a bowl and added all the yummy stuff you normally pile on top of the potatoes and mashed it all together before piling the mixture back inside the shells. Jane watched in silence as I sprinkled the tops with more cheese and set them aside in a baking dish. I felt awkward and at a loss for words, which was weird considering I spoke with huge fashion designers and bigwigs at major ad agencies almost daily. Shit. I told myself to find something—anything—to say, but all that came to mind was my aching back and my fucked up evening. I arranged the cleaned asparagus on a baking sheet with olive oil, sea salt, and pepper. I wouldn’t make her feel bad even if I was upset, refusing to allow myself to act like a pouty child.
“It’s very nice of you, Julia. You’ve been so wonderful, and Ryan has been an incredible support since the stabbing.”
I sat down with the other woman when Jane reminded me of all she’d suffered. I felt like a heel for even thinking what I’d been thinking. Could I be a bigger bitch?
“Ryan’s been worried about you. We both have, and we’ll do whatever we can to help you.” My earlier chagrin toward the woman vanished. “I assume Daniel will arrive in time for dinner? Ryan and I are both looking forward to having him.”
Jane pulled her hand free, and her eyes wouldn’t meet mine. “Mmm… no. He said he won’t be able to get away from work.”
“Surely there are others who can be available for a few hours?”
She shook her head and got up to roam around the living room. “Nope. Just Daniel.”
“For such a big corporation?” I was doubtful. Either this guy was the biggest asshole on the planet or he was a figment of Jane’s imagination. “I mean, isn’t there a whole team of IT people?”
Jane’s fingers ran along the keyboard, almost in a caress. “Sure, but he’s in charge. Ryan plays?” She dismissed the discussion of her boyfriend.
I wondered why she would assume it was Ryan? Obviously, he hadn’t told her. “Yes, he’s amazing.”
“I can see he would be. He has such amazing hands; I can imagine his long fingers caressing the keys so gently. Maybe he’ll play later?”
The hair on the back of my arms stood up. Either I was oversensitive or Jane showed way too much interest in Ryan’s hands. “He’s usually pretty beat, but you can ask him.”
She sank down on the sofa, staring up at the portrait I’d done of Ryan which was hanging over the fireplace mantle. “Wow. He’s so handsome. Did you do that? It’s incredible.”
“Yes. A few years ago.” Jealousy reared its ugly head, and I tried to push it away, but there was no way I was willing to share the details around that drawing from the first Thanksgiving in Los Angeles. I’d drawn that portrait the night we’d first made love and it meant the world to both of us. “It’s…” I began and then stopped.
“Why isn’t it finished? I mean, it’s cool the way it fades out like that, but is there a reason?” Jane probed.
My mind rushed back to that moment and a soft smile curved my mouth. “He woke up.” I had no clue what to say, so I told the truth. “It was a special time for us. Ryan said I stole his soul that night.” I got up and pulled out a cutting board and knife to begin slicing the strawberries for the cheesecake. Let’s get some perspective, shall we?
A soft huff left the other woman’s mouth. “Wow. He’s so…”
I swallowed and forced my hands to keep slicing the strawberries, waiting for her next words, while a sick feeling of dread washed over me. It wasn’t easy watching another woman fall in love with your husband. I’d have to be an idiot not to see it. I must have been an idiot not to expect it after his devotion to her at the hospital. Not even a year ago, I was the one in a hospital bed with Ryan by my side. It took me all of five minutes to fall in love with him again.
“He’s so romantic and special. Daniel hasn’t ever said anything like that to me.”
I swallowed and forced myself to keep slicing the strawberries. What could I say? Yes, Ryan is very romantic and special. Those were the words racing through my head, and the dreamy look in her eyes had them followed up with: but he’s mine. I felt bad for Jane on one hand, but very territorial when it came to Ryan. I couldn’t help the way her words made my entire demeanor stiffen. I didn’t want to hurt her, and I was compassionate to her situation, but I didn’t want her building romantic dreams around my husband. I decided the best course of action would be to reverse the conversation. “Yes, I’m very lucky. How long have you been seeing Daniel?”
Methodically, I went through the motions of making the dessert. It was a good thing my back was to her, because my face burned as Jane told me about Daniel, her voice lacking the awe and enthusiasm it held when she’d just talked about Ryan. I was proud of him, but the familiar way in which she spoke of him had me wishing he wasn’t quite so damn giving. I was used to women wanting him; I’d had years of practice. He’d always been indifferent to other women before, and I never felt threatened. Even with Liza Nash; that twit from Harvard, Ryan’s disinterest had been obvious. However, he respected Jane, and he liked working with her and it was clear he was letting her in. My heart thudded sickeningly in my chest. So Daniel wasn’t coming, and I’d be forced to endure an evening packed with Jane’s awe of Ryan.
“Julia?” Jane’s question brought me out of my thoughts and I looked up from what I was doing and quickly glanced over my shoulder.
“Yes?”
“I asked what you’re getting Ryan for Christmas.”
“Well,” I began as I returned
the now beautifully dressed cheesecake to the fridge. I didn’t want to tell her because it was so personal. I was working on a composite portrait of both of our baby pictures. I hadn’t told anyone, not even my family. I certainly didn’t want anyone spoiling it by telling Ryan prematurely… plus our baby-making was a secret. “I’m not sure yet. Maybe some better shoes for work, but he doesn’t want anything. As I said, we’re on a budget, so we’ve agreed to keep it minimal. Do you have something special in mind for Daniel?”
Jane fidgeted on her chair. “Um, he’s a gamer. I’ll probably get him a new game he’s been wanting.”
How romantic. “Wow, he really is a computer nerd, huh?” I tried to lighten the awkward tension hanging between us. Other than the time when she’d shown me to the doctor’s lounge, Ryan had always been there when I’d seen Jane and she was pushing me. I knew it. She knew it.
My eyes narrowed and hers got wider when she nodded. “Yeah. I hate video games because he’s always got his head in them. Do you have an Xbox?”
I poured us each a refill of the sparkling water and glanced at the clock. Ryan should be home in thirty minutes, and I wanted to freshen up. Despite my lack of enthusiasm for having Ryan in the same room with this woman, I was longing for him to hurry the fuck home.
“No. We don’t. We spend our time with movies and music when one of us isn’t working on something or other. Life is busy, so we tend to concentrate on each other when we’re together.”
Jane pushed a strand of hair back and her cheeks flushed uncomfortably. I could see her visibly swallow. This was a good place to make my exit since it was all I could do not to tell her that friendship was fine but she needed to remember Ryan was mine.
“I’m just going to put on a little make-up, if you don’t mind? Ryan should be home soon. You’re welcome to watch TV and make yourself at home.”
The other woman nodded. “Yes, he’s scheduled off at six.”
I inhaled until my lungs wouldn’t fill any further and tried to smile as I left the room. “Yep.”
