by Kahlen Aymes
I sniffed and sucked in my breath. It took just a second or two before the baby slid from my body, and Ryan was lifting him up to rest on my chest and stomach. I gazed at my baby. He wasn’t making a sound. Ryan grabbed a towel and started to briskly rub the blood and white gunk from his skin. The baby sucked in his first breath and started to wail.
I was laughing and crying at the same time. “Oh my God. He’s gorgeous.”
Ryan came to me and kissed me, one arm behind me and the other around me and our baby. “He’s a miracle. He’s perfect. He has huge balls.” He laughed happily, staring at Aidan.
I laughed out loud, tears raining from my eyes. I touched his downy cheek with my finger.
At the sound of the baby crying, Jenna burst through the door, fully dressed in a surgical gown. She looked at the three of us and smiled. “Time of birth?” Her eyes rolled as she waited for Ryan to tell her.
“Oh, shit.” He looked at the clock. “About five minutes ago.”
Jenna huffed, her smile hidden by her mask, but I could see it in her eyes. “Dickhead.”
Ryan laughed, and she smiled at me and took a good look at her nephew, still crying in my arms. Jenna handed me a receiving blanket and helped me wrap it around Aidan’s little pink body,
I snuggled him close to my chest, examining every perfect thing about him. “Hey…” I hushed him. “It’s okay… You’re okay.” He stopped crying and looked up at me with dark eyes. It was hard to tell now, but I hoped with all my heart that his eyes would be as blue as his daddy’s. I leaned in to kiss his little head. He was so tiny. Jenna moved away then came back and put a little hat on his head.
“Give me the little man. Time to weigh him and all that shit.” Then she took Aidan from me.
Ryan changed gloves again. “Sorry, baby. We’re not quite done. I’ll need one more push to deliver the placenta then I’ll need to stitch you up.”
To say that was the grossest thing ever would have been an understatement and I was glad when it was over. When Ryan finally pulled the gloves and mask off, he stared into my eyes, both of us getting choked up as he gathered me close. He laid his head down on my chest and, I wrapped my arms around him. When he looked at me, we were both crying.
“Thank you. He’s amazing. You’re still everything. Only now, Aidan is part of us. It always amazes me how there is always more and more love… it blows my mind.”
I nodded and kissed his mouth, clutching him close. Jenna was discrete, giving us some privacy with her back to us, cuddling our little son and speaking to him in hushed tones.
I was yearning to hold Aidan, so Jenna gave the baby back to me, and Ryan went to tell the others.
After everything was cleaned up and we were finally alone again, the baby suckling at my breast, Ryan went to the duffle bag setting in the chair. “I got you this for Valentine’s Day before I came to Paris. But, after I found out about the baby, I decided this was the day to give it to you.”
He handed me a book, and I looked at it, puzzled until it finally registered. It was a copy of Dorian Grey. I opened the front cover, and the words he’d written inside made my breath catch. My mind flew to the night we made love for the first time, when he woke to find me drawing his portrait.
~J
You’ll always have my soul…
Forever,
~R
I couldn’t help starting to cry and moved over in the bed so Ryan could crawl in with me. He gathered me close, and I held our son and love was like a tidal wave around us. His head rested against mine, and I stared into his eyes. The fingers of Ryan’s other hand curled around my wrist on top of the bundle.
“Me, too. No getting around it. Even if I didn’t want to love you, I would.”
“That works, ‘cause you’re stuck with me.” He smiled a soft, teary smile. “I mean, us.”
RYAN~
Julia was luminous and took to motherhood with an easy grace. Aidan would hush at the mere sound of her voice, and it filled me with so much pride and love, I thought I’d burst. I knew how he felt though. I was a slave to that voice, too. His hair was dark like hers, but he was the spitting image of me. The portrait that hung above the crib was an amazing likeness.
Our family and friends stayed in town until Julia had been home for more than a week. With all of our bedrooms spoken for, only Marin and Paul stayed with us and Ellie, Harris, and my parents at Aaron and Jenna’s place. Everyone loved Aidan’s name and the grandparents doted on him, even Aaron got a little sappy when I’d told him how we decided on it. Everyone was happy to see Ellie and Harris back together, especially Julia. Apparently, Harris would only reconcile when she finally agreed to marry him, and she was sporting a big rock.
About two weeks after the baby was born, Julia made a beautiful brunch before everyone left with tearful goodbyes and promises to come to visit soon. Our mothers were the worst, both of them bawling their eyes out. My dad rolled his eyes and smiled over my mother’s head, and he almost dragged her out the door. Everyone planned on returning in December. Aidan would be four months old, and there was nothing that would keep those grandparents away from his first Christmas.
That was a month ago, and the time had flown by in a blur. I couldn’t wait to get home from the hospital, anxious to get my hands on my son. He was growing so fast, everyday a little different, and I didn’t want to miss a second of it. I glanced down at the baby in my wife’s arms, and Julia handed him to me. “Time for bed, Daddy.” She gave me a warmed bottle of breast milk and went to take a bath. I welcomed the task, because I loved time alone with him.
He was a good baby and hardly ever cried. I smiled down at the little face and patted his bottom. “You don’t cry because Mommy and Daddy don’t let you cry, do we, Aidan?” The baby version of my blue eyes looked up at me quietly, as if he understood everything I said. Julia was an amazing mother and my little man wanted for nothing. He was healthy as a horse and happy.
I settled in the rocking chair with just one small lamp casting a golden glow through the room. Aidan suckled away at the bottle, his little eyes were closed, his skin translucent, his tiny hand fisted and resting against mine. He was fresh from his bath and I inhaled the scent of baby powder. I kissed the top of his head, his mini-me dimples showing up as he sucked. I grinned from ear to ear at the wonder that was my son. Life was perfect. It wasn’t long before he’d finished his bottle and was sleeping soundly all swaddled up in his crib.
I made sure the baby monitor was on and then went to find Julia. It would be about three hours until our son would need attention, but I’d take advantage of the time. It had been a long six weeks without making love to her, and I ached to have her. Our room had a soft glow of candles and smelled like vanilla. Julia was under the covers waiting and watching me as I wordlessly discarded my clothes, my eyes burning into hers.
The poem I’d written last Christmas hung centered above the headboard, and the words reverberated in my head as I peeled back the covers and gathered my naked wife close to me. She welcomed me into her embrace wordlessly, and I came to settle above her, into the cradle created by her body. I was hard before I’d undressed, realizing she had the same intentions for the evening as I did. I was hungry for her, but my movements were slow as I gazed deeply into her eyes and let my mouth roam over her cheekbone, her eyelids, and jaw. My need was great, but my love was greater and I wanted Julia to feel it in every breath.
She sighed as my mouth moved lower, and between kisses, I murmured the words that defined what she meant to me. But even these words, that hurt so much they could have been written in blood, could never be enough to describe how deeply she affected me, how she filled my heart, how she gave meaning to my very existence… and how every day, incredibly, impossibly, it was always more…
This Mad, Mad Love
Words cannot express…
All I feel for you.
As I search for explanation,
I am certain it is more than love…
A
living thing,
Yet undefined by mere mortals…
Maybe even God,
You are my breath,
Yet you steal it away…
You are my heartbeat,
Yet you stop it with one brief glance…
Without you, I am lost.
I am nothing…
A bottomless abyss,
Empty and waiting
To be filled by you.
I ache to touch you,
To taste you,
To fulfill you,
To have you…
Our ecstasy is beyond imagining.
I consume you,
Yet am consumed by you…
Your beauty slays me.
Your touch unravels me.
I am humbled by these emotions,
Yet empowered, because you are mine.
I am you and you are me;
Never to be parted.
To lose you, would be to lose myself…
To cease to exist.
For there is nothing for me
Forever…
But you,
And this Mad, Mad Love…
The End
Outtake Extra
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events or locales is entirely coincidental.
A Love Like This: The Remembrance Trilogy—Book 3
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Copyright © 2013 Kahlen Aymes. All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book, or portions thereof, in any form. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical without the express written permission of the author. The scanning, uploading, and distribution of this book via the Internet or via any other means without the permission of the publisher is illegal and punishable by law. Please purchase only authorized electronic editions and do not participate in or encourage electronic piracy of copyrighted materials.
Edited by Elizabeth Desmond, Sally Hopkinson and Kathryn Voskuil.
Every Time
A Christmas Outtake from The Remembrance Trilogy
RYAN~
It was late, and Julia would be sleeping on the couch, waiting for me, because of my God-forsaken schedule, yet again. Aaron and Jenna had helped Jules string lights around the room and windows, even down the sides of the house. It’s older architecture made it look like a gingerbread house and the light snow from last night’s storm dusted them like glittering frosting. I sighed in regret that it hadn’t been me to help her. My breath came out in a wintery cloud as I walked from the driveway to the back door and shoved the key in the lock.
The house was dark, except for the LED lights covering the Christmas tree and reflecting off of the glittering ornaments. There were garlands of greenery with sparkling red and gold balls and white lights on the fireplace mantel and arrangements of candles among it and the three stockings hanging beneath it. Aidan’s was positioned front and center between the two with Mommy and Daddy embroidered across fluffy white cuffs. Aidan was too young to really know yet, but we’d decorated the house to the nines; his little eyes got wide and fascinated by the tree every time we brought him into the room. He had my eyes and they were dark blue.
I smiled and my heart swelled with love when I saw Julia lying with Aidan cuddled in her arms. They were both underneath a ruby red cashmere throw that had been a favorite of mine when I was young. My mother brought it out only at Christmas because it belonged to my grandmother, and now she’d sent it to us to continue the tradition. Aidan was lying on his stomach, nestled to Julia’s chest and she had the cashmere all tucked in around him. His little cheeks were working as he suckled in his dreams. I smiled through my exhaustion. He was so perfect and the absolute joy of our existence.
I tried to be quiet as I passed through the living room to the front entry to kick off my shoes and slid out of my coat, not wanting to wake them but at the same time hoping I’d get to talk to Julia and hold my son. I shoved everything unceremoniously into the coat closet and shut the door with a soft click. In no time, I was sitting on the floor in front of my wife and son, listening to Julia breathe and Aidan suckle; one hand settled on Aidan’s back and the other curled around the top of Julia’s pillow so I could softly stroke her hair. I loved these two more than anything in the world.
Julia stirred and her eyes fluttered open, a slow, soft smile spreading across her perfect mouth. “Mmmm… ” Her right hand lifted from around the baby and reached for my cheek. “Hi, scruffy boy.”
I huffed in amusement, smiling. I sat up on my knees, my arms wrapping around them both in a hug and, at the same time, placed a soft kiss at her temple. I made sure not to squash my son, but damn if I didn’t want to crush them both to me. Julia’s hand slid from my cheek around and into the hair at the back of my head. I turned my face into the curve between her neck and shoulder. “I love you.”
I squeezed harder one last time and then pulled back so I could look into her green eyes, so full of love. “I love you, too,” she replied in her sleepy voice. “I missed you today.”
I was still astonished at my life. With my rough schedule and limited time with my family, it was still so perfect. I took her mouth in a soft, open mouth kiss that soon became deeper as her hand behind my head pulled me closer and I could feel her body quicken. Our tongues mated in a slow and deep tangling, that made my chest and body tighten. I wanted more, but Aidan grunted between us and I loosened my hold, one of my hands moving to his soft downy head. Julia and I laughed softly as he settled back against his mother’s breast in satisfaction, his long lashes resting in dark crescents on his round face. I bent to kiss his forehead.
“Your son is protesting. How was your day?” Her fingers continued to caress the back of my head and play in my hair. I loved how she touched me; the love between us was tangible. My hand cupped her cheek as I stared into her eyes. After all this time, when we were in the same room together, I had to be touching her.
“Okay.” I shrugged. I hated telling her about the things I dealt with on a daily basis. Some days, like today, were filled with sadness and death. I’d had a heart attack victim I couldn’t save and a car accident where both parents and a child had died, leaving one behind. I had to excuse myself and rush to another more deserted part of the hospital before I completely lost it. I’d broken down and cried like a baby, but the situation made me all the more aware of how precious life was; of how precious this woman and this child were. As if I needed more reminders. “Better now.”
“Are you hungry? I saved you some dinner.”
The house smelled amazing and my stomach grumbled. I smiled softly. Julia’s unending effort to take care of me was always such a comfort. “Yes. Starving.” I didn’t want to stop touching her, but I placed another brief kiss on her open mouth and began to stand and at the same time reaching for my baby son. In the three and a half months since his birth, he’d grown by leaps and bounds. I took him from his mother’s arms, careful not to wake him as I turned him over and cradled him close. I loved the baby smell and I inhaled deeply as I pressed my lips to his little head, completely covered in dark hair. His mother attempted to comb it into order, but it was fine and often stood straight out from his little head after he’d been asleep. He was so precious. Julia pushed away the blanket and began to stand up, laughing at my indulgence.
“I’ll get it ready. Do you want to put him to bed?”
I raised him up in my arms and pressed
my cheek to his forehead, grinning at my wife. “Not really, but I know I should.”
These small moments when just the three of us were together, or when I was alone with either one of them, were the most precious. Just the peace and warmth; the love I felt in their presence was, at times, overwhelming.
I’d made a decision, earlier in the day, and I wanted to speak to her about our Christmas plans. Regret overwhelmed me. It was Aidan’s first Christmas and I was almost certain I’d be working all of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Both sets of parents wanted to see the baby, of course, and mine had invited all of us to Chicago. It would be impossible for me to go, but it seemed needless to ruin every one else’s holiday.
I walked toward her and leaned in to kiss her again. My lips moved with hers and I sucked slightly as I pulled away and Julia’s hand came up to my face. Her green eyes danced up at me, the unspoken words between us clear. I could see in her eyes, she knew something was depressing me and that I needed her. We’d be wrapped around each other as soon as I’d eaten and showered.
“Say goodnight to Mommy, Aidan.” Her hand moved to the top of his head and she kissed the cheek of our sleeping son.
“Night, baby,” she murmured and I headed up the stairs to his nursery.
The low lights cast a dim glow so I could see what I was doing as I laid him down on his back, careful not to wake him. He was already swaddled, but because he’d been against the warmth of his mother and sleeping comfortably, I decided he needed another blanket. He was so beautiful, I could have stared at him for hours. I couldn’t help reaching out to touch him, brushing my hand along the top of his head and then my index finger along his downy soft cheek. He was so perfect and I could see both Julia and myself in his little face… so similar to the portrait she had done of him before he was born. My heart felt like it would burst every time I looked at him. Aidan was the best part of us: the culmination of all of the love and all we’d been through; all the waiting, all of the years, all of the pain and yes, all of the complete and utter joy. I’d drag myself to hell and more, just to stay right in this place with the two of them.
