by Hazel Parker
Early on, he didn’t know the first thing about being a dad. Molly was almost always with his sister since Alyssa was a stay-at-home mom. When he had Molly, he felt weird and wasn’t exactly sure what to do. Over the years, he’d gotten better at it. Alyssa was a good teacher and the way Stephen, Alyssa’s husband, handled Liza was as much a visual guidance as life goals for Danny. At the time, he thought he’d never feel at ease with his daughter, but seven years later, he found his daughter was like a little version of him. Sometimes he didn’t always get it right but he tried hard. His daughter was more mature than most children. Danny didn’t think the reason for her maturity was growing up without a mother, since she always had Alyssa as support. It may have been because she had to be self-sufficient since he worked so much. She liked school, she had friends, and was already bothering him about getting a phone.
Either way, he was proud of his daughter and the way they both had grown. Grief had lessened over the years. Seven years was enough time for Danny to let go and although he couldn’t imagine ever loving or marrying again, he wasn’t opposed to hook ups. Although, with a seven-year-old, he was more likely to see his hand for a fix than a one-night-stand. He finished his residency and was a full-time doctor, which left him feeling less than human at the end of the day, but that was the job and he wouldn’t trade his life for anything.
Each foot fall jolted his body awake and reminded Danny he was alive. His morning run always did that for him. Something about running got him in a Zen zone where he was on autopilot and he could rest his mind. He was always thinking—sometimes over-thinking—but on a run, the thoughts seemed to order themselves. His days and weeks were controlled by the work shift. He was no longer a resident—which should have made work easier—but now he had more responsibility. A new rotation of nursing students was coming through. There was a fourth-year student doing her last practicum study. He wasn’t really excited about having to mentor her, but it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t really affect him aside from having one more body in the way while he managed his patients.
He glanced down, checking his watch as he rounded the familiar turn of his neighborhood on his route. The shrubs that book-ended the entrance of Cobble Way homes were colorful, no matter the time of year. It was a warm welcome, as most things on this side of Tampa were. Inside the housing development were five neighborhoods. Each neighborhood was compiled of about twenty homes and a mile or two down the street from each other. Each neighborhood got more lavish as you got deeper into it. Danny lived in one of the smaller homes, towards the front entrance. He didn’t need much space and, at the time, he hadn’t been looking at the home for its amenities or conveniences. He’d bought the house solely because it was beside his sister’s home. Stephen was a civil engineer. Working on road, bridge, buildings and water supply system design and construction was almost as lucrative as being a doctor. Still, it was a job that allowed Alyssa to work from home, pursuing her own passion for writing, and afforded them a luxurious home on Cobble Way.
It was by a stroke of luck that the house had become available since the neighborhood was so widely known and sought after. Not only did the house become available, but Stephen knew the people who were moving out and helped them make a direct sale to Danny instead of having to go through the housing market. It was a two story home with three bedrooms, three full bathrooms and a garage, and it was just enough for him and Molly plus Liza, who slept over occasionally. Danny used the extra bedroom as his office. It turned out the house had all the things Danny needed. He loved it and moved in almost immediately; plus the previous owners included furniture in the final sale.
Even though Danny lived next door, he spent more time in his sister’s house than his own because that’s where his daughter, food, and family were. He and his sister’s lives were more intertwined than ever before. They raised Molly together and he took care of the house when Stephen was away on business.
Danny jogged up the porch stairs at his sister’s house and entered without knocking. Over his few years in Tampa, he’d stopped the gesture of politely announcing himself and just walked in the door. Yelling might wake a napping child. Now, he just moved the magnet of his name on the refrigerator from the column that said ‘out’ to the right column that said ‘home.’ If Alyssa, his sister, was looking for him, she would look there first. They had created a simple system.
Her house was the mirror image of his own, small but luxurious. He knew where everything was from familiarity and from the similar blueprint. The only difference was Alyssa’s home looked like a woman lived in it. It felt warm with yellows and tan hues. His looked like a bachelor pad. There was a mostly black and blue color scheme and it was bare of furniture. He had the essentials, which wasn’t much. Alyssa took care of most things, like cooking. After moving the magnet on the refrigerator, he returned home to shower and get ready for the day.
Danny glanced at the nightstand clock as he took off his damp running gear, counting how much time he had to shower before he had to be at the hospital for the day shift. It was roughly fifteen minutes and—knowing his daughter—that fifteen was actually ten because his daughter liked to talk to him. He rubbed a wash cloth over his body quickly. He could take a refresher shower at work later, and just concentrated on washing his hair. It was getting long enough to curl like Clark Kent and Danny wasn’t sure if he liked it or not. With the suds washed out his hair, Danny hopped out of the shower, barely drying off before pulling on his clothes and grabbing his bag on the way down the stairs back to Alyssa’s.
“Hey Dad,” Molly said through a mouthful of something as he walked in.
“Hey kiddo,” he said leaning down and kissing the top of her head.
“We don’t talk with food in our mouth, honey,” Alyssa said to Molly.
“But Liza does it all the time!” Children always felt a need to compare.
“And Liza is just as wrong as you are, missy,” Alyssa chided as she put glasses of milk beside the two girls. Liza stuck her tongue out at Molly behind her mom’s back.
Molly caught the gesture and turned her head before asking, “How was your run?” Danny was impressed by how his daughter was always so thoughtful.
“It was really good actually. Thanks for asking,” he said. “Why aren’t you at school?”
“Dad, today’s Saturday.” She frowned at him as if he should know better. He rarely had a day off, and the days had a way of running together. “I don’t have school."
“Yes. Saturday. What was I thinking?” Danny began to peel a banana as he listened to his daughter talk. “Well what do you have planned for today?”
“Practicing her times tables,” Alyssa said, coming around the corner.
“Want to hear me say my times tables?” his daughter asked, bouncing with excitement.
He glanced at his watch. He had time. He sat down in an empty kitchen chair and gave her the focus of his attention. “Go.”
She recited perfectly her one, two, and three time’s tables with a smile.
“I can go all the way to five,” Liza said, bragging.
“Of course you can. You have had longer to learn,” Molly said, sticking her tongue out.
“Girls,” Alyssa huffed, sounding more like Molly’s mother than her aunt. The two girls were more like sisters than cousins. They had grown up together for seven years. Since birth, all Liza knew was Molly. Alyssa had Liza just six months before Molly was born and didn’t skip a beat when Danny brought another newborn into the house. She was willing to do anything to help, even breastfeed another child. At first, Danny thought she was joking but Alyssa was committed to the cause. She actually pumped milk an additional six months for Molly.
“Daddy, listen,” Molly whined.
“I’m sorry. Go ahead. What were you saying?” Danny said, turning so she had his full attention again.
“I said, this morning I finished my book,” Molly said, clearly wanting him to be impressed.
“Wow. That was fast. Which one was it? Tell me about it.” Molly loved to read. At seven, she was already two years ahead of her reading level. She liked big books and it was common for Danny to peek in on her in bed and find her under the covers with her iPad, reading.
“I just finished The Secret Garden.” She tilted her head, thinking, and said, “By Frances Hodgson Burnett.”
“What did you think of it?” Danny asked as he took the last bite of his banana.
“I really liked it. I liked Colin. Even though he was sickly, he was always alone. Mary was a good friend and I liked the ending. They finally got into the secret garden, too. Maybe we can have a garden.”
“I don’t think anything would stay alive in our backyard, honey,” Danny said before biting into an apple.
“No. Not there. I want to ask Aunt Ally if we can plant some flowers in the backyard,” Molly said, crossing her legs like a lady.
“Well if she says ‘yes,’ I see no reason why we can’t,” Danny said.
“Are we still going shopping next Saturday?” Molly asked with a smile.
“Umm.” Danny hesitated, scratching his head.
Molly put her hands on her slender hips and looked every bit the replica of his late wife. Her black hair was long and hung to her waist, bone straight and pulled back from her skinny face. “Daddy, you said,” she insisted.
Liza came from around the corner with a tablet in her hand and came to stand beside Molly. “You did say,” Liza said, agreeing with Molly.
Danny felt like he was being ganged up on even though it was only with two seven-year-olds.
“Okay,” Danny relented. “We can go shopping. As long as you keep your end of the bargain.”
She nodded and stood to look over at Liza’s tablet screen. Beside Liza, Molly looked so small. She’d always been small. She was still small enough for him to worry about her health. As a dad, he worried about everything, even when there was no reason to worry. He wondered if he was doing the right things, showing up enough, giving her the right care, making sure she wasn’t lonely and never noticed the missing part that a father couldn’t fill. He tried to do everything, but he couldn’t be her mother. So far, his daughter wasn’t lonely—at least, she didn’t appear to be.
Danny glanced at his watch once more. He still had time, so he engaged his niece. “Liza, are you still taking ballet classes?”
“No,” Liza said, shaking her own black hair. Unlike Molly, Liza’s hair was thick and curly. “I quit that weeks ago. They wouldn’t let me wear anything other than tights. They weren’t comfortable. I’m in karate class now.”
“Wow. Well let me know when you’re a black belt,” Danny said.
Liza bent at the waist to bow. “I will.” Then she skipped off towards the living room and jumped on the couch with her tablet. Molly followed behind her and picked up her own tablet to play a game.
Alyssa sat down beside Danny, drying her hands with a hand towel. “What are your plans for this weekend?” Alyssa asked her brother.
He shrugged. “Nothing much.”
“Nothing much as in hanging around the house while Molly hangs out over here or nothing much as in locking yourself up in your room while Molly hangs out over here?”
“Neither,” Danny said, cutting his eyes at his sister.
“What?” she asked, raising her hands up in surrender. “Don’t look at me like that. That’s exactly what you do.”
“I do not,” Danny said, shaking his head.
“Look, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but somebody needs to say something and since I’m the only one here who sees it and knows you, I’m going to say it. You’re one hop, skip, and jump away from being depressed.”
Danny huffed.
“I know that’s hard to hear but it’s true. You don’t have any hobbies aside from running, which I suspect you do because as a doctor you know what it means to be healthy, or because you need a stress relief. Aside from running, you do nothing but work and take care of your daughter, which doesn’t require much because I do the heavier lifting when it comes to raising her,” she said, lifting her hand to stop him from interrupting. “And I’m not saying that to complain, because I love Molly as if she were my own and I’m already doing the same things with Liza; it’s nothing to add Molly into the mix. I say that to call your attention to your lack of a life. Some people would call that symptoms of depression.”
“Alyssa, I am not depressed,” he said.
“Fine then. Detached maybe?” she amended.
“I’m not detached,” Danny stated.
“You’re a liar and everyone can see it but you. Even your daughter sees it. She’s asked me on more than one occasion why her daddy is so sad,” Alyssa added.
That hurt Danny to hear.
“I get it. You’re hurting. We all understand. What you went through was horrifying, but you can’t keep hiding from the world and secluding yourself. You deserve to be happy. You can be in love with somebody else.”
His face crumpled as his sister continued.
“It’s not a form of betrayal to do that, Danny. You have to know that Kim wouldn’t want you to be alone or unhappy. She loved your laugh and smile, and I haven’t seen too much of that lately. Neither has your daughter,” Alyssa said softly.
Danny ran his hands through his hair and over his face. He thought he had gotten away with it. He thought he was mastering the art of hiding his feelings, but apparently nothing got by his sister. He wondered what his daughter thought of him.
“Is she okay?” Danny asked and braced himself to hear what she would say.
The one thing he didn’t want was his daughter being upset and afraid to mention it.
“Of course she is, but she’s not a baby anymore. She knows you and can tell that you aren’t as happy as everyone else is. She just wants you to be happy, like I do.
“I think she’s more ready for you to move on. The other day she asked me if all step-moms were mean like in the movies,” Alyssa said with a small smile.
Danny sighed.
Alyssa took a breath and continued. “Look, we all are ready for you to move on, but we understand you needed time. Thing is, Danny, I think seven years is plenty of time. Don’t you?” Alyssa said, reaching over to hold her brother’s hand.
“I’m messing it all up,” Danny groaned.
“No, you’re not. You’re just a man. Don’t worry. You’re doing alright,” she said, pausing a moment to make sure he heard her. “But you can do better. It’s not hard to love your kid. She’s already lovable. Just talk to her. Be here. That’s all you have to do. And be open to change. It's OK to move on; we’ve all done it, and now it’s time for you to do the same. Get your shit together, Daniel,” she finished and stood, unable to keep still and ready to move on from the coddling. Danny knew she meant business, because she never called him by his full name. “Damn! It’s really not that hard. You loved Kim. You love your daughter. Stop acting like there’s no room for someone else.”
“I have to go to work,” he said, grabbing his bag from the kitchen floor.
“You just got in,” she said. He couldn’t tell if she was trying to guilt-trip him or put him on notice that he needed to be around more.
“From a run,” he said, double-checking he had his stethoscope and car keys while walking towards his daughter. “Now, I have to go work.”
“Will you be home before I go to bed?” Molly asked, throwing her arms around Danny’s neck.
“I’ll try,” Danny said.
She nodded, knowing there wasn’t much room to argue.
“Get in on this, Liza-lion,” Danny said, opening his arms for his niece.
“Have a good day at work, Uncle.”
“You have a good day too, honey,” he said, standing and walking out the door.
It was hard to choose between work and his family. Without Alyssa, the decision would be impossible.
At work, Danny found himself in a sea of women. The nurse’s station always seemed to be that way.
“Alright, everybody, let’s start the rounds,” he said, getting their attention. Leading the crowd, he went to one of his favorite patients' rooms: Richie Stanton.
“Hey man! How are you doing?” Danny said to the small patient in bed.
“Good!” The little boy replied with a big smile on his face.
Richie always said "good," even though he was nauseous all the time, no matter what Danny did. Richie had acute lymphoblastic leukemia, a white blood cell cancer.
The kid was the embodiment of positivism. Danny asked him why he always said “good” and Richie told him that complaining wouldn’t help, but maybe if he kept saying “good,” good would eventually happen. For a child, he was so much more astute than most his age.
“I brought a few of my friends today, is that alright with you?” Danny said.
“Sure,” he answered with a big smile. “I brought some of my friends too.” He gestured at his toys.
“Well, let’s see now. I think I know your friends,” Danny said, leaning close to the small plastic figures.
Richie’s eyes grew wide in wonderment. “You do?”
Danny nodded. “I think I do. This is Optimus Prime and,” Danny paused, taking his time to think, “this one is Bumble Bee.” Danny knew all about the Transformers. Molly loved the movies and begged him to get her the Transformer’s backpack, not caring one bit it was a “boy” backpack.
“That’s right,” Richie said, clearly in awe.
“But I don’t know this one. Who is this?” Danny asked, pointing at the silver toy.
“That’s Jazz,” Richie said, manipulating the toy in his hand, bending it until the robot was in its car form. “He’s my favorite. Who’s your favorite?”
“I don’t have a favorite,” Danny said, in no rush to move on though the room was full of nurses and he had rounds to make. “I like them all.”
“Then you can have this one,” Richie said, handing Danny the silver-colored toy he called Jazz.
