“He could be injured,” Nina added. “Or worse, and you will always have that fear, but have to keep it under control and hidden away. He’ll come home and the first weeks will be difficult while he assimilates back into your lives.”
Kayla and Nina’s warnings scared her.
“What we’re trying to tell you is that you have to be sure before you take the next step. Tony has never fallen in love before. If you can’t be brave and committed, you need to let him go,” Kayla said.
Suddenly Lumin felt like the outsider again. The girls were protecting Tony. They weren’t turning against her, but preparing her. “I don’t doubt myself. I’m worried that I came across Tony at a time when he’s reflecting on what he doesn’t have, and that it could have been anyone.”
Nina darted a glance at Kayla and shook her head. “Doesn’t work that way, Lumin. In fact, it’s just the opposite. Tony boasted a ‘I’m going to be a bachelor forever’ flag. For the SPECOP guys, it’s easier. They’re not vulnerable to worry or doubt. They leave a girl in rumpled bed sheets and live for the moment. Your relationship will be strained by separation and tested by living with a man who has to keep secrets from you. Love is the hardest thing these men can endure.”
“I won’t let him down,” Lumin assured them.
The girls stayed for a while longer and left her to slowly pace the living room. Her aches and pains were nothing compared to what Tony and the rest of the team had to be going through. They couldn’t stop. They couldn’t grieve. She reached for the phone and put it down three times. Pushing open the patio door, she gazed around. Her nerves were on edge, but there was no reason for it. Sitting down at the patio table, she watched the children on the playground and then stared at the phone, willing it to ring She needed him to know she was thinking about him and worried for him. She picked it up and dialed.
“Petty Officer Bale.”
He sounded tired. “Tony.” She hesitated when the line went quiet. “Kayla and Nina were just here. They told me about Captain Cobbs. You don’t need to say anything, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. I’m praying for you. I don’t know all the details. I just know you’re probably hurting right now, and I wish I could be with you and hold you.”
“My lady, I wish you were here too,” his voice gravelly with restrained emotion. “This is my fault, Lumin.”
“How can it be your fault? Kayla said it was a malfunction. An accident.”
“He shouldn’t have been up there with me. The charges were live. I should have set them myself. I’m the explosives specialist, but I ordered Ed to set them.”
“Tony, you can’t second-guess this. You could have been killed just as easily.”
Tony let out a deep breath. “I don’t know what to say to the Admiral.”
“Nothing until the moment is right, and you’ll know when that is.”
“Admiral Austen just finished talking with Marg. She’s flying back to San Diego tonight.”
“I can pick her up.”
“You’re supposed to be resting, sweetheart.”
“I’m okay. I can pick her up. What time is she coming in?”
Tony spoke to someone and then said, “Nine o’clock. United flight.”
“Can I use your car?”
“Of course you can. There’s a spare set of keys in the basket on top of the fridge. Maybe she can stay with you.”
“I’ll convince her.” There was a pregnant pause on the line. “Can I do anything else?”
“Let Kayla and Nina know. You’re gonna need them.”
“I think you’re right. I’ve never known anyone who’s died before.”
“In a way that’s a blessing,” Tony said quietly. “But it won’t stay that way, Lumin, if you walk beside me. Maybe you should think about that. I shouldn’t have asked you to marry me. It was selfish.”
Talking about this had a time and place, but not now. “No, it wasn’t,” she blurted, then paused fiddling with the edge of the table. Had she really thought it out? Her fear wasn’t how much she loved Tony, it was if she could be strong enough for him. “When this is over, you can ask me again, if you want to.”
“I’ve got to go. The team’s leaving New Mexico. We have to find a lead on Dafoe.”
“He’s disappeared with the virus. How can you possibly find him?”
“Don’t know yet, but we’ll figure it out. I miss you, sweetheart. I miss you too much.”
“I’ll be waiting for you, Tony. Please come home as soon as you can.”
That evening Lumin experienced the true meaning of grief for the first time. Tony had been right. She needed Kayla and Nina, and she thanked God when they walked in the door. The tears seemed endless after the shock subsided and Marg let down her guard. She’d brought her three daughters, and although they put Kelsey to bed, Rayanne and Cindy remained at their mother’s side. They were amazingly strong girls, and Lumin saw the binding love between them.
There were moments of utter silence and periods of gentle words. They reminisced and held Marg when the memories wanted to sweep her away, but Kayla and Nina brought her back from the edge every time.
“Somehow I knew,” Marg whispered to the circle of women around her. “Over the years, every time Pat left us, I had to be strong. I had our girls to raise, and a home to run.” She blinked away the endless tears. “When I talked to him the other day, he promised me that this would be the last mission. I knew he was right.” Marg hid her face in her hands. “I will always love that man. I don’t want to face laying my head on the pillow and looking at his, knowing he’ll never be there again. He’s gone. He’s really gone this time.”
Lumin twined her fingers with Marg’s. “I don’t know either of you very well, but I know he’s not far from you, Marg. The Captain adored you. Every time he looked at you, those silver eyes were filled with love. I don’t believe he’ll ever leave you. You just can’t see him right now.”
Marg smiled through her tears and touched Lumin’s cheek. “Thank you, sweetheart. I know he does. We all signed on to love our warriors knowing this moment could come.” She swiped at her eyes. “I think I’m going to lay down with Kelsey and get some rest. Tomorrow is soon enough for more tears.”
Rayanne and Cindy followed their mother.
Lumin looked for reassurance. Nina and Kayla were both reeling from the loss. “I think I’d be a crumbled mess on the floor if I were her.”
“You’d be surprised what rubs off over the years,” Nina said, laying back and covering her forehead with her hands. “Although Mace and I have just started a life together, I know it’s a possibility I could lose him.”
“We almost lost you, both of you,” Kayla said. “Every single military spouse, whether man or woman, has to stand beside their warrior. Hiding the worry and being strong every time they walk away is our challenge.” She paused. “I hate war. Thane will never turn his back on his duty, and he won’t stop now until he finds Dafoe. None of them will.”
“I just realized something,” Lumin murmured to herself, but she had the women’s attention. “Tony and I have talked more on the phone than we have in person.”
They both smiled at her and nodded. “Sometimes it’s like that,” Kayla admitted. “A lot, actually, but when his voice is all you have, you seize it and make sure when he hangs up that he doesn’t have to worry about you.”
Lumin swallowed the lump in her throat. “What if I’m not strong enough?”
Nina patted her hand. “Don’t worry. Although you two have started your relationship in the middle of a firestorm, the smoke will clear. You’ll have time to get to know each other.”
“That’s what I’m afraid of. High adrenaline. Rescue mode. Whatever you want to call it. What if I’m not who he wants when all the action recedes?”
Kayla tried to hide a grin and rolled her eyes to look at Nina. “If you’re doing things right in the bedroom, the action won’t be receding any time soon. If I’m not mistaken, Tinman is a needy kind of
guy.”
Nina chuckled. “Aren’t they all.” She winked at Lumin. “You’ll do fine. And I think I’ve had my fill of tears. Let’s hit the road, boss.”
She walked Nina and Kayla to the door. “Thank you—for everything.”
“We stick together. Stand strong. Alpha Squad and the others will end this,” Kayla said.
“I hope you’re right. I’m probably putting too much heart into Tony’s basket, but I can’t seem to stop thinking about him. I want him home.”
Nina eyed the coffee table. “Phone’s over there. SEALs don’t sleep much. He could probably use a pick-me-up”
“I don’t want to seem like a needy female.”
“I’m not talking about your need.” She grinned. “I’m talking about letting him know what he can look forward to when he finishes this mission.”
Lumin’s eyes grew. “Do you mean—?”
Kayla nodded. “But make sure the curtains are closed.” She laughed.
“But his mind is on the mission and he’s so upset about Captain Cobbs.”
“Rule number two,” Nina began. “Life goes on, and although we will cherish every memory we have of Patrick Cobbs, those who are left need to be reminded they are alive and to keep living. T-man is beating himself up over this. He needs a distraction.”
Nina pecked her cheek, and Lumin closed and locked the door behind them. Once again, she stared at the phone. She snatched it up and walked down the hall into Tony’s bedroom. Opening the door, his scent eased her fears. She smelled his aftershave when she lay down on his sheets. As she thumbed the button on his bedside lamp, darkness draped the room. His cell rang once before he answered.
“Hey, are you working?” Working, was that even the right term?
“Hi,” he said quietly. “No, taking fifteen minutes to get a rest.”
“Where are you?”
“In a tent.” The sound of him rolling elicited the image of him on his back and settling with an arm behind his head, looking up at the canvas. “How is she?”
He didn’t have to say her name to know who he was asking about. “Strong. Rayanne and Cindy are too. We talked and we cried. I hope it helped.”
“I’m sure it did.”
“Get some rest. I just wanted to call and tell you how proud I am of you.”
Silence.
“I am.”
“Would it bother you if I didn’t go through with the officer’s training?”
“Yes, but not for the reasons you’re probably thinking.”
Tony’s voice rumbled with a low timbre. “What should I be thinking?”
“That you can twist fate’s arm behind its back, but it will never say ‘uncle’ or change the outcome. Bad luck exists. Accidents happen. Most of all, you are a leader and men die in war.”
“But we weren’t in the sands of the Middle East or in the jungle under fire, and I lost one of the most prominent mentors of my life.”
“Did you order Captain Cobbs onto the bridge?”
“No. I told him to get off.”
“Did he listen?”
“No.”
“Why?”
Tony sighed. “Because we work as a team. The water was breaching the banks and time had run out.”
Lumin clung to the phone and spoke calmly, but her heart hurt for Tony. “He did his job, and he died in the line of duty helping to save the people of that valley. Marg understands this. She accepted the risks long ago when she married him. They both wanted forever, and they’ll have it. I don’t believe love dies, Tony. Not when you’re with the right person.”
“Our team hasn’t lost a single man in eleven years, Lumin. Not when Ghost ran the show. He gave me an ounce of responsibility and his best friend is dead.”
“The Admiral will come to terms with it, and I’m sure Kayla will be there in case he stumbles.”
“You’re going to be a good lawyer. Being an enlisted SEAL doesn’t really add up to that.”
Lumin shook her head and her gaze darted to the moon, almost full, out the window. “You can be whatever you want to be, Tony, but men will follow you whether you decide to be an officer or not.”
“I don’t know what I want anymore.”
“Doubt can lick at your toes, Petty Officer Bale; it does for all of us, but I won’t let it consume you.”
“I let you consume me, and the word ‘lick’ coming from your mouth shouldn’t be said unless we’re in the same room.”
She smiled. “I’m lying on your bed, staring out the window.”
With a husky voice he said, “Are you wearing anything?”
“No, I like the moon casting its light on my skin.”
He let out a deep breath. “So do I.”
“Are you alone in that tent, Petty Officer Bale?” she asked, feeling a flick of excitement catch in her belly.
“Wish you were here.”
“I don’t have to be. I feel you near me even when you’re not.”
“Hmm. Is my pure light trying to seduce me over the phone?”
She smiled.
“You’re smiling. I can see it.” His voice was raspier.
“I am.”
“So am I. My hands are sliding down your hips and around to your amazing ass, drawing your warm skin against mine. You are so beautiful, Lumin.”
She closed her eyes and imagined his warm rough hands instead of her own. “Wet,” she whispered, as her fingers reached the moist lips of her sex.
“I’m kissing your inner thigh, running my palms along your gorgeous legs. You can feel my warm breath.”
She imagined his broad shoulders bowed before her, his mouth making her flesh ripple with each kiss. The roughness of his unshaven cheek grazed her as his strong tongue flicked at her bundle of nerves.
“You smell so good. My tongue wants to taste all of you.”
“Tony?”
“Right here, baby, I’m turning you over. With a gentle grip around your wrists I’m holding them above your head. I kiss the sway of your spine. The sway of your cheeks. Lift that beautiful ass in the air. ”
A short gasp escaped her mouth, but she wasn’t embarrassed. “I feel your chest. Your weight on me.” Her face was pressed into the pillow. She felt him. Smelled him. “Please, I want you inside me. Slowly. Deeply.”
“Oh, Jesus, help me, I love you.”
“Come inside me, please, oh please,” she begged. “Harder, Tony.”
They both moaned, orgasming at the same time.
“Petty Officer Bale?”
“Oh crap,” he hissed. “What is it, Nathan?”
“Sir, the Admiral wants us in the HQ tent. Five minutes.”
“Roger that.” He paused and then spoke quietly to her. “I think I actually feel guilty over sex for the first time in my life.”
“Don’t. We have to keep living, Tony.”
“I know, and I know it was an accident, but it doesn’t hurt any less.”
“Nor should it, but we’ll be there for Marg and the girls, and I’m here for you.” She heard him shuffle and a zipper being pulled up.
“Lumin, I meant everything I’ve said to you. I know I don’t have a great track record, but I don’t want anyone else but you. Just you.” She heard the flap of canvas.
She sat up in the bed and curled an arm around her legs. “Be careful, SEAL.”
“Think I’ve found a good reason to do that. I can’t wait to see you again, my lady.”
“I’m not that girl anymore. The virus left scars. Ugly ones.”
“Doesn’t matter, as long as I have you to come home to. That’s all I need.”
“Tony—faith is something that doesn’t only apply to the heavens. I have faith in you. If you ever lose yours, I’ll keep some in spare for both of us.”
“How did you get to be so smart, and how the hell did I get so lucky?”
“You’re hot.” She burst out laughing, and then muffled it remembering she had guests.
“Keep the light on inside t
hat beautiful heart of yours, and I’ll find my way home. Bye.”
She flopped back on the bed and smiled up at the ceiling. These were the moments the girls told her she had to hang on to because the darker ones would swarm to rip her heart out. Down the hall, Marg had to face every day from now on without the man she loved beside her. It was a sobering thought. One she would never forget.
She shivered a little now that Tony’s voice wasn’t keeping her warm. Staring around his bedroom, her eyes landed on his closet, and she smiled to herself as she slipped off the bed and walked toward it.
Chapter Twenty
Date: 08.05.2014
Time: 1700UTC 0800hrs PST
Mission: Code Name Luminous
Thane stood in front of a collage of maps—New Mexico, Nevada, Arizona, Colorado, and California. He’d stared at them for an hour, but couldn’t focus. Two days had passed since Pat died. The teams had reconvened in Kingman. No one looked him in the eye, and he fought every minute to bite down on his grief. He couldn’t let his men see it had cut so deep he could barely think straight, because if they did, they’d all lose their motivation. Every once in a while he’d turn and swear he saw Pat out of the corner of his eye. Once he’d even called his name, the patterns ingrained for so many years, his swim buddy by his side. He felt the loss, but refused to acknowledge it until Dafoe was brought down, and he hoped to God it was by his hand.
A vibration against his hip grabbed his attention and he yanked his cell from its case. He viewed the number and took a deep breath. “Marg, hey sweetheart, how you holding up?”
“Thane,” her voice rippled with panic. “Lumin is gone.”
His brow wrinkled. “Gone?”
“She didn’t get up so I went to check in her room. The window was open, the lamp knocked over and the sheets were pulled clean off the bed.”
He swiveled to locate Tinman. He sat with the rest of Alpha Squad taking cover from the heat. The normal banter between the men silenced. Possibilities swirled in his mind, and they kept landing in the same place. “Dafoe.”
Code Name: Luminous Page 26
