Maybe it was time.
“Did it ever bother you?”
Zach opened his eyes, searching my face. “You mean…”
I nodded. “Back then. I figured most of it was Matt, but… Well, I don’t really know.”
With a restrained grunt, he pushed himself up a little. “You really want to talk about this?”
“Am I not going to like what I hear?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Does that mean you’re not going to tell me?”
Grimacing, he shook his head. “I won’t lie to you, but I don’t want to upset you, either. Most of it was Matt, but Chad was pretty involved, too. He was always egging him on. They sort of fed off each other that way. Avery mostly goes along with whatever, but he’s not a bad guy, just apathetic and out to have fun. Lance would sometimes make an effort to dial them back, but only because he hates getting caught being less than perfect.”
Three in, six out. I could get through this.
“And you?”
His expression turned dejected, eyebrows pulling down over the contusions across his face. “It was never my favorite thing, Margie. That wasn’t the kind of person I wanted to be, but I didn’t have a clue what to do about it. When I could, I tried to distract him with other stuff, but I was worried he’d turn on me if I said anything. It was easier to keep quiet than lose a friend. Maybe four friends. That’s not a good reason for being a really crappy person, but when you’re a kid…” The TV darkened from inactivity, obscuring his face in the shadows. “I didn’t know how else to be. It made me feel worse not being able to do something about it, which probably only made me that much meaner because I was frustrated. I was miserable for a long time, and didn’t know how to fix it.”
I set my chin on my knees, staring at the frozen mid-flutter of the animated electric blanket. “You always had this look on your face… This bored, detached look. I never gave it much thought until I saw it again on the beach, when… On Avery’s birthday. You just stood there, doing nothing. Like you went somewhere else in your head.”
“I guess that’s a pretty fair assessment,” he said quietly. “That night…”
I stretched out my legs and stared at my hands, picking at my nails. “It’s okay. You don’t have to explain.”
“Yes, I do. I owe you that and a lot more.”
A little exasperated, I turned to him. “Why do you keep saying stuff like that? I’m not asking you to pay for what you did years ago, and I haven’t done anything particularly noble to merit this gratitude you keep talking about. I’m not some superhero saving the world every day, I’m just barely keeping it together. Why do you—”
“Because you’re the only reason I have any hope I can be a better person, Margie.” He grabbed my hand, holding tight to my fingers. “We put you through absolute hell back then, and you can still treat people with kindness and respect when you have every reason in the world to assume the worst of everyone.”
Two in, four out.
“I know what you did when Matt came in the restaurant that day. You threw yourself on that landmine to protect Lindy from him. He had me pinned and close to blacking out when you drew his fire away from me. I know what he put you through, and for you to jump back into that to save another person, two people, no less… Do you have any idea how incredible that is? Maybe that’s just who you are, and who you’ve always been, but for the first time in my life I finally know what kind of person I want to be. I want to be the one who takes the punch for someone else who can’t. I want to be a person my family and friends talk about they way yours do about you. I’m tired of being this rich kid no one cares about unless it’s time to throw a party. I want to be a person people like you care enough about to come see them when they’re hurt or sick. That’s what I’m thanking you for, Mighty Mouse. I’m thanking you for showing me how to be the kind of person I can be proud of.”
One in, two out.
“And thank you for the cookies. They really are my favorite.”
Breathe. I needed to breathe. I needed to say something, but the only words in my head were his, rattling through my brain in an incomprehensible jumble. He really thought that highly of me? How? Why? I couldn’t make sense of it. All I’d really done was refuse to put up with any crap from him or his friends. How did that make me some kind of hero?
“That night on the beach,” he said, staring at our joined hands. “I thought I was ready to be that kind of person. I thought I’d gotten to a point where I was strong enough to stand up for you, so you didn’t have to do it all alone anymore. I figured if I could do that, maybe I’d feel a little less alone, too. But I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough. I didn’t know what I was fighting for until I lost it. When you walked away from me that night, that’s when it hit me. But then it was too late, and I’d smashed your trust to pieces. I can’t…” His grip on my fingers tightened. “I can’t even describe how much that hurt, Margie. The worst part of it was that I did it to myself. I failed on the most epic scale I possibly could.”
I pinched my eyes shut and focused on my breathing. Two in, four out. Three in…
“Of all the people that could’ve walked in here today, you were the last person I expected, but the only one I really wanted to see.”
Something inside me was crumbling, but I couldn’t put a name to it. The world was shifting into a crazy spin I couldn’t control, and nothing was turning out the way I thought it would. How could I start out the summer as a barely held together mess and wind up as some sort of pinnacle of sainthood to a guy I’d been sure I’d hate for the rest of my life?
My phone rumbled to life in my pocket, and I jerked away, scrambling to get to the distraction I needed to calm me down.
“Margie?” my mom said on the other end of the call. “Where are you? It’s dinner time, and we haven’t heard from you all day.”
I swung my legs over the side of the bed and stood up. “Oh, yeah, sorry. I’m fine. I…” I swallowed back the urge to lie. “I’m just up at the main house. Wanted to see how Zach was doing.”
“Everything okay?”
I turned slowly, meeting his gaze. “I’d give him an eighty percent chance of survival.”
“Well, we ordered pizza if you’re hungry. Think he can manage without you?”
I nodded, a smile creeping across my face. “I’ll be home in a few. I think he’ll be just fine.”
Chapter 20
I sat back in the sand, my fingers digging under the cooler top layer to the one still holding on to the heat of the day. Taking a deep breath of night air permeated with the smell of a fire pit, I tilted my head up and looked at the tiny stars, the din of quiet conversations and a strummed guitar fading into the background. For the first time in weeks, I was completely relaxed. The amount of relief that washed over me in a few short days was unlike anything I’d ever known before.
When I left Zach’s on Monday, I did something I never thought I’d do: I gave him my cell number. I told him to message me if he needed anything, but I ended up texting with him until all hours of the night talking about inconsequential things, like what stupid movie he was going to make me watch next and a lengthy defense of The Brave Little Toaster. In fact, he didn’t stop texting me until I finally agreed to give it another chance.
He told me on Tuesday what his parents said about Matt. I confirmed the news through Destiny. Matthew Rosenberg had been shipped off to an involuntary “retreat and recovery program” in upstate New York. As a result of him attacking Zach on the Fourth of July, his parents negotiated a six-to-twelve month stay in the facility to avoid jail time or lawsuits. Apparently, that fight was the last straw in a long, long line of alcohol-related incidents over the last year, including something to do with Chad’s fatal accident that fall. I wasn’t much for gossip, so I didn’t ask about particulars. To be honest, the less I had to hear about Matt, the better I felt.
He was gone, and I’d be in a totally different country before he got anoth
er taste of freedom.
The relief must’ve been written across my face in big, black letters, because Zach looked incredibly pleased that he was the one who got to deliver the news. You’d think he’d given me the world’s best birthday present ever he looked so smug. Once that wore off, however, it was pretty obvious he was as relieved as I was. Maybe that was for different reasons, but I didn’t press him for those.
“Ooo, I know that look.” Carter plopped down beside me, chuckling. “So, who is it?”
I blinked at him. “Who’s what?”
“Who’s the person that’s got you staring at the sky and grinning like you’ve got the biggest secret in the world?”
Sitting up, I frowned at him. “I wasn’t doing anything like that.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “If there’s anything I know, it’s what a girl looks like when she’s thinking about the guy she’s—”
“I wasn’t thinking about anyone,” I crossed my arms, huffy. “I was just enjoying not feeling like someone was about to jump out at me at any second.”
Carter laughed and nudged my shoulder. “Is that what that was? Looked an awful lot like… What did my gran call it? Mooning. That’s what you were doing.”
I giggled at him. “Mooning? That’s so not what’s happening here.”
“But you were thinking about someone.”
I shrugged. “Just thinking.”
“So this has nothing to do with the Fourth of July?”
My face heated, and I started cleaning the sand out of my nails. “No, of course not.”
“Huh,” he said. “Cuz, I gotta say, most chicks I know probably wouldn’t hesitate to fall in insta-love with a guy who nearly died defending them in a fight.”
I burst out laughing. “One, the word ‘insta-love’ coming out of your mouth is hilarious. Two, he didn’t nearly die. And three, you seriously need to spend more time talking to women rather than just trying to sleep with the hot ones.”
He brushed his ponytail over his shoulder and made a face. “I talk to plenty of women I don’t try to sleep with.”
“So, you’re saying you’ve conducted a highly diversified field study on the effects of—”
“Do you always work this hard to avoid personal questions?”
I snapped my mouth shut.
Carter stood and offered me his hand, pulling me to my feet. “Come on, it’s getting late. Aren’t you on lunch tomorrow?”
Looking at my watch, I sighed. “Yeah. How is it after midnight already?”
“I’m sure it’s the company that makes the time fly,” he said with a wink. “I’ll walk you back to your car.”
Snatching up my shoes, I followed him up the beach, heading for the nearby parking lot. He slung an arm around my shoulder as we went, and I had to smile at it. Everyone thought Carter was this incredibly shallow guy, but I’d seen a side of him most people never bothered getting to know. Weird as it was, he sort of felt like a big brother to me.
“You know, it’s okay to admit you like him, Margie.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Carter.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and I stole a glance at it.
Emergency. Call immediately.
I stopped at the base of the stairs up to the parking lot, my heart racing at Zach’s text. What happened? Did Matt get loose or something?
“Hold up a second,” I said to Carter as I hit the button to call. “Something’s wrong.”
The phone rang once before he picked up. “Thank God. There’s a huge problem, Margie.”
“What? How bad is it?”
“It’s… It’s really bad. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“Just tell me what happened. What’s going on?”
There was a moment of quiet on the other end, and I tried not to panic, my mind throwing fifty different possibilities of disasters at me in under five seconds.
“I… I ran out of cookies!”
My forehead bunched. “Wait… what?”
“All of the cookies you made are gone. What am I supposed to do now?”
Pulling the phone away from my ear, I stared at it in disbelief, like he was going to see my expression on the other end.
Carter touched my elbow. “Everything okay?”
I grimaced and put the phone back to my ear. “You said it was an emergency. While eating over two dozen cookies in forty-eight hours might warrant an intervention, running out of baked goods is not an emergency, Zach.”
“Are you with someone? Who was that talking a second ago?”
“None of your business, that’s who. Did you seriously call me at twelve-thirty at night for cookies?”
“Well, I haven’t seen you all day, so… Can you come over?”
My jaw dropped. “Come over? Now? Are you sure you don’t have some undetected brain damage from last week? I’m not—”
Carter poked at me, relentless, and I pulled the phone away again. “What?” I asked after covering the microphone.
“You should go.” His grin was ridiculous.
“What? Why? Are you crazy? I’m not going to—”
He shook his head. “He’s been turning down dates left and right all summer. Do you have any idea how frustrating it’s been for me with him single? If ladies think he’s with you now, they’ll give up on him and finally give me a chance.”
“Wow, that’s maybe the most shallow thing I’ve heard all day,” I said, rolling my eyes. “And I’m not with Zach. It’s nothing like that, and not ever going to be like that. No and no times infinity. Can you please not think with your boy parts for like two seconds here?”
Carter shrugged and smirked at me. “Just go and have fun, Margie. I think you deserve a little of that. You work hard, but you have to balance that with letting loose every now and then.”
“Oh for…” I put the phone back to my ear. “Give me one reason I should, and you better make it a good one.”
It was silent on the other end for almost half a minute, and I checked to make sure we were still connected.
“Hello?”
“Because…” Zach paused and took a deep breath. “Because every day since the fight with Matt, I’ve gotten fewer and fewer calls. I had none today and only a handful of texts from Avery. Not a single other person on the planet wants to talk to me right now, except the one person that probably shouldn’t. No one else is willing to admit how messed up everything is. They’d all rather avoid taking sides, regardless of what’s right, just to hang onto whatever insignificant social status they have that won’t matter a year from now. Because I don’t think I care about that anymore, and you’re maybe the only real friend I have.”
The only friend he had? I wasn’t even sure I liked him as a person yet, but I was it for him? Despite everything I’d lived through, I’d always had at least one friend to talk to, not including my parents. Rather than take a stand for one of their own, had everyone really shut him out?
“So… Do I get a pity visit? I’m bored out of my skull, Mighty Mouse.”
And of course he would ruin it with his mouth.
I turned and gave my meddling friend a tight smile. “Gee, I’m having such a great time with Carter, I don’t know if I can tear myself away.”
“Did you say you’re with Carter?”
Before I could answer, Carter snatched the phone from my hands and spun away, easily dodging me. “Hey, Zach. Don’t worry, man. She’ll be there in just a few.”
“Carter!” I jumped for the phone as he held it up and out of my reach, thumbing the end call button. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
Laughing, he tossed the phone back to me, and I fumbled to keep it from hitting the steps. “You’re welcome. Better get going. Sounds like he really needs Margie’s cookies.” He waggled his eyebrows at me.
I smacked his arm. “I happen to love cookies. Do not make them gross.”
He wrapped an arm around my shoulders and squeezed me a little, ushering me up t
he stairs. “Look, if what I’ve been hearing is true, Zach’s a pariah around here right now. That’s pretty harsh considering that he took a beating from someone he considered a friend. Just go hang out for an hour. You’ll thank me later.”
“And why would I do that?”
As we reached my car, he shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged. “Because you’ll feel like crap if you don’t. I’m sparing you later guilt.”
Not wanting to admit he was probably right, I unlocked my door and got in, pausing before I sat down.
“If this turns out to be a bad idea, I’m going to tell everyone you’re secretly a nice guy and utterly wreck your chances of getting laid the rest of the summer.”
“Ruin my reputation as a superficial manwhore? You wouldn’t.”
I made a face at him. “Goodnight, Carter.”
He shot me a cheeky salute and trotted off, headed back to the fire pit. Resigned, I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot.
There were worse ways to end a night than with cookies, after all.
* * * * *
Walking up to the Robinson house in the dark was an unnerving experience. The place had terrified me during daylight hours when I was a kid, and no way would I have been on the grounds at night without an adult. The gazebo was especially sinister after dark; its shadows held the ghosts of endless hours of taunting and teasing. I shivered, the echoes of voices calling after me as I passed the structure.
Three in, six out.
Three in, six out.
Someday, I wouldn’t have to count my inhales and exhales. Someday, the mere mention of certain names wouldn’t send my pulse skyrocketing. Someday, I’d move through life without being afraid of who was around the next corner.
Believing that someday those things would be true kept me moving forward in life as much as they did the backyard of the main house. The light from the kitchen windows dimly illuminated the walkway and saw me safely to the door without tripping over my own feet. Pausing for the hundredth time to question whether or not being there was a good idea, I remembered what Carter said about regret, and turned the knob.
My Bittersweet Summer Page 20
