“Stupid Zach Robinson,” I grumbled. “Ruining everything.”
“Ruining?” Nadine chuckled. “Oh, honey. That’s cute.”
I crossed my arms and made a face. “It’s not cute. I’m not supposed to like him. I’m leaving the country, remember? That’s in like two weeks, and then he goes and makes this big gesture, probably so I’ll just feel horribly guilty about it. We’re only supposed to be friends. That’s it. Friendship, Nadine. Friends don’t do stuff like send flowers to a hostel in a different town because they stalked the hell out of you to know where you’d be. Friends don’t make lists of all the stuff they did to try to impress you. Friends don’t try to be someone else to get you to like them. This isn’t friendship. This is… this is…”
Charlie sighed dramatically. “He loves you, Margie. Obviously. Can we go eat now? I’m starved.”
Frustrated, I flopped back on the bed, the used tissues bouncing as I landed. “Ugh. This is so…” My hand brushed against paper, and I looked over. The envelope was still sitting there, unopened. I picked it up and handed it to Angela. “I can’t even with this. You open it.”
She chuckled at me. “You’re ridiculous.”
I draped an arm over my eyes. “I’m exhausted. It’s been a long three months.”
I heard the paper tear as she opened the envelope, but she didn’t say anything at first.
“Holy crap, Margie.”
“What now? Did he open a food bank in my name or something?”
“Not exactly.”
Peeling back my arm, I looked at her. “What, then?”
She leaned over and waved a bunch of small cards at me. “Tickets. Tomorrow night for Wicked, Les Mis for our last night here.”
Grinding my teeth, I knew exactly how he got that information. “Freaking Destiny. So much for secrets between friends.”
Nadine busted up laughing. “Why in the hell are you mad, woman? If that rich boy wants to drop all that cash on you, why not let him?”
I sat up and glared at her. “Did you not listen to anything I said?”
“Yeah, for like an hour. And as far as I can tell, you totally earned this. Enjoy it, Margie. In two weeks you can tell him to shove off, but as far as this trip is concerned, don’t you dare not use those tickets. Thanks to him, we can see shows every night of this trip if we want. Don’t be stupid. He’s not even here to yell at.” She gave me a look that said the matter was already settled. “If nothing else, think about your friends.”
“So, I should just sell my soul for some Broadway tickets, and you’re okay with that?”
Angela sighed. “They’re just tickets, Margie. You need to relax. And, unless I missed a note buried under the Kleenex, he didn’t ask you for a dang thing with all this stuff.”
I sank into silence, pouting. Admitting they were right felt like too much of a concession to Zach.
Stupid Zach, with his stupid flowers, and stupid list, and stupid tickets, winding me up on the first day of a trip I’d spent months and months planning for.
Angela stood up and hauled me to my feet. “Come on, Mighty Mouse. Let’s go get food before Charlie’s stomach walks out of here without us.”
“And then there’s that stupid nickname. Why is he haunting me?”
She pushed me towards the door, refusing to let me damper her good mood. “You can brood later. Food now.”
* * * * *
Seeing Les Miserables live on stage made the movie look like a joke. As I freshened up my runny eye makeup in the bathroom, I couldn’t remember the last time I watched something that made me sob nearly the entire way through.
“It looks fine. Can we go now?” Angela tugged at my arm. “I want to hit that tapas bar before it gets crowded.”
Taking one last swipe with the damp paper towel, I gave up on it. “Okay, okay. Just let me wash my hands. I’ve got eyeliner everywhere, and I am not about to stain this dress.”
“I wouldn’t be either.” She grinned at me. “For real, I’d probably be too scared to wear it. I can’t believe your parents could afford it.”
“That makes two of us.” I finished drying my hands and hooked her elbow, leading her out of the restroom. “But I’m kind of glad I brought it. Better memories this time.”
Nadine and Charlie met us in the lobby, and we headed out for our last evening in New York City. Even though I was sad it was ending, it really couldn’t have been a more wonderful trip, and I felt like I was glowing I was so happy.
But as we hit the street and turned left, I stopped.
Was I seeing things?
I spun around, looking at the other side of the theater exit where I’d seen him leaning up against the wall. There was no one there, but when I looked farther down the sidewalk…
He was walking away, hands stuffed in his pockets.
“Zach?”
He stopped immediately, his shoulders tensing. Not sure what to do, I just stood there, looking at him as he turned, slowly, almost like he wasn’t certain he’d heard his name.
Angela sidled up to me, her voice dropping into a whisper. “Is that him?”
If someone had asked me how I thought I’d feel in that moment, my answer would’ve ranged between angry, terrified, and determined not to react. The reality was some awkward fluttery feeling that was a cross between light nausea and shock. So when she shoved me towards him, I was the absolute pinnacle of grace as I nearly tripped over a crack in the pavement.
“Go talk to him, stupid,” she hissed at me. “You forgot to mention that he was also smoking hot.”
“Ang!” I whispered back. “This is not the time for—”
She gave me a look. “At least go tell him thank you from me.”
Nadine and Charlie were no help at all, having dropped into their private mushy world off to the side. For a minute, it was like we were back in high school, with them pressed up against the locker next to mine. I doubted they were aware of anything else going on around them.
“Fine. Just give me a minute, okay?”
She grinned at me. “You take all the time you need, Mighty Mouse.”
I made a face at her, but composed myself, turning back to where I’d stopped Zach.
A little hesitant, I approached him, and we moved to one side to keep from blocking traffic. I pushed my hair behind an ear and adjusted the strap on my purse. “So… do I need to ask what you’re doing here?”
He stared at the sidewalk and shrugged. “Just wanted to see if you were having a good time. I didn’t want to, you know, interrupt or anything.”
“You are aware that this is sort of crazy stalker behavior, right?”
“Which is why I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t see me.” He winced. “And that doesn’t really sound any better. Sorry.”
I crossed my arms and considered him as we lapsed into silence. After I calmed down that first day in the hostel, I went back to his list and started reading again. While the first thirty items or so were likely stuff he thought I would’ve liked him to do, they had gradually changed, the things written down clearly not for anyone but himself. Things like spending time talking with his parents, learning more about what they did, how they ran their businesses and investments, reading books that people always said they’d get to someday but never did… Those were things for him. Somewhere, in all of his efforts to impress me, he’d figured out that it wasn’t about me at all.
“Do you…” I started, but paused.
Four in, eight out.
“Do you want to take a walk or something?”
“Nah, you should go hang out with your friends.” He waved it off. “I don’t want—”
“To interrupt, I know.” I glanced over at my friends and shrugged. “But I think they’ll understand.” I touched his arm and smiled. “Wait here a minute, okay?”
Trotting back to Angela, I tried not to look nervous. After all, I wasn’t at all sure a walk with Zach was a good idea.
“So,” I began with an apologetic look,
“would you guys mind if I catch up with you later? I think I should talk to him. Just for, I dunno, maybe like an hour.”
Charlie shrugged while Nadine and Angela grinned at me.
“It’s not like that,” I grumbled. “One hour, and I’m yours again, okay?”
Angela shot a glance at Zach. “Text me in an hour. I’ll let you know where we’re at then.”
I took a deep breath and nodded. “Will do.” As I hurried back to Zach, I waved at them.
Without a destination in mind, we set off down the streets of New York City. Neither one of us apparently knew where to start the conversation, but one definitely needed to be had.
“Thank you for the tickets,” I said, picking the easiest place to begin after two blocks of walking. “I’m guessing Destiny told you which shows we were thinking about?”
Zach nodded, and we turned a corner. “Yeah, sorry I went behind your back. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
I laughed, remembering my initial reaction. “Oh, it was definitely that.”
Three in, six out.
A little unsure of myself, I threaded my arm through his. “Look, I do appreciate what you’ve done, but—”
He stopped on the sidewalk in front of a closed bookstore. “I’m not expecting anything from you, Margie. That’s not—”
I frowned at him. “Why are you interrupting me? I wasn’t finished.”
He leaned up against the window and sighed, staring at the sidewalk. “Sorry. Go ahead.”
Stepping in front of him, I angled my head to catch his eye, hoping he’d stop looking so dejected before I even said anything. “I just want to know that you realize I’m leaving. All of this…” I waved at the street. “The tickets, the list, showing up here, all of that… Why are you going to so much effort for someone who’s leaving the country in less than two weeks?”
At last, he met my gaze, his eyebrows pinched together. “Because…”
I tilted my head, waiting for his answer.
He blew out a loud breath and ran a hand through his hair. “Because I don’t care if it’s for two days, two weeks, or two decades, Margie. Do you have any idea what it’s like to spend every day since you were six thinking about the same person and know with absolute certainty they hate you, but you don’t have any idea how to fix it? I had to try, Margie. I couldn’t let my second chance—”
I put my hand against his mouth, needing him to stop talking so I could digest his words. “Whoa. What? What are you talking about? Six? I don’t—”
His fingers wrapped around mine, and he pulled my hand against his chest, resting above his heart. “You get tackled into the mud by a girl, when no one else in the world says no to you, and it tends to stick with you.”
My head spun. I’d gotten grounded from everything for a month after that. And afterwards, every day since then…
“I don’t… I don’t understand this. All that time, and you never did anything to stand up for me, or, if I’m being honest, treat me like a human being. Do you actually expect me to believe that—”
“I told you, I didn’t know how else to be. Look at the examples I had, Margie. As a kid, I thought that’s how the world was, how everyone was. I hated every second of it, but there wasn’t anyone I could talk to about it. And every time they started in on you, I hated myself a little more. It wasn’t until Chad…”
Frustrated, he stepped away from the window and pulled me along down the sidewalk again. Still stunned, my feet moved by themselves, my brain completely running on autopilot.
“We were all out drinking on the beach that night,” Zach said, leading me across the street. “Chad had this girl with him. Lisa. He told me a week before that he was worried about it. He really liked Lisa, even though he was seeing Megan Gibbons, but he was freaking out how people were going to react if he broke up with the girlfriend he was ‘supposed’ to have for a girl who was… you know, not from a rich family. I was the one that talked him into bringing Lisa that night. I figured the other guys would back him up, like friends are supposed to do. And I thought if they did that for him…”
We stopped to wait for the crosswalk signal, and I finally found my words. “I’m guessing that didn’t happen?”
Zach shook his head. “Matt lit him up five ways from Sunday, and then tore into Lisa. Mind you, this was after about three hours of drinking. Everyone was wasted, but when those two started fighting… Well, Chad refused to listen to another word I said after I’d assured him it would be okay. They took off and made it about a mile down the road before Chad ran a light and got creamed by a truck. He wasn’t even going to be there that night until I talked him into it. I didn’t know…”
When his grip faltered and his eyes turned away, an ache bloomed in my chest. As the walk signal lit up, I wove our fingers together and pulled him through the intersection, continuing our meandering journey. While I wasn’t sure how I felt about his confession, to know the kind of guilt he was walking around with every day, I needed to say something. The tiniest little playground came into view, and it looked like a good a place as any to talk for a few minutes.
We sat down on a bench just inside the wrought iron fence, left open despite the sign saying it was closed after dark, but I didn’t let go of his hand.
“I’m not going to pretend like I have any idea what to say, but thank you for telling me.”
He shrugged, his thumb softly running along the edge of my hand. “It hit all of us pretty hard. Matt went downhill fast after that. I’ve sort of been distancing myself from all of them for a while, to be honest. I knew the only way I’d ever get a shot at being someone better is if I wasn’t around them anymore, but I just couldn’t work up the nerve to do it. Well, I couldn’t… not until I lost you the second time.”
After sniffling my way through Les Mis, I didn’t think I had any tears left, but damned if they didn’t creep up on me again. Our joined hands blurred together in my watery vision as I struggled to find any shred of anger towards him. I couldn’t, though. I tried. I tried to remember how I felt as a kid. I tried to remember how mad and disappointed I was on the beach. I tried to call up any and every memory of him saying something harsh…
I stopped when it hit me. In all of those cases, all of the times I’d been tortured when I was younger, from the time I’d knocked him down, not once had anything hateful come out of his mouth. True, he’d stood there doing nothing while others did their worst, but I knew what it probably meant to be Matt’s friend on top of the normal peer pressures kids have.
It was never Zach.
All of those times, when I thought of him as nothing more than a bully, none of that had come from him.
None of it.
“You know that I can’t promise you anything,” I said quietly.
“I know.”
“What, exactly…” Really, what could I say here? “I don’t know what you’re looking for.”
The corners of his mouth lifted in a gentle smile. “I’m not looking for anything, Mighty Mouse. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. I already found it.” When his eyes met mine, there was no need to count my breathing. The air stuck in my lungs, trapped by everything I saw in his gaze.
“Maybe it’s only for these few minutes, or maybe a few days, but as long as you’ll let me, I’ll be with you.”
It was stupid, and I knew it was stupid, but I couldn’t help it. Seeing him, really seeing Zach and who he was, possibly for the first time ever, there was magic in that.
“Okay,” I whispered. “I’ve decided.”
His forehead bunched, a deep line running down the center of it. “Decided what?”
I reached up, brushing my fingers across the wrinkle in his skin. “You asked me before, and I said I wasn’t sure if I liked you.”
“So…”
Rather than answer, I leaned forward, my gaze trained on his. “I’d say you’ve got a one hundred percent chance.”
His hands cupped my face, holding me with such tenderness
I had to close my eyes to keep the tears from slipping down my cheeks. His lips pressed against mine, and I knew, undoubtedly, that he’d meant every word he said, maybe more than anything he’d ever said to anyone else his entire life. There were no fanfares, no explosions, only him, and me, and that moment.
The moment I dropped my guard.
The moment I forgave him.
The moment our “I’s” became a “we.”
Even if it was only for that moment, it made everything that summer worth it.
And the rest? Well, that was for a different moment.
Epilogue
I stared out at the runway, watching the plane taxi up to the gate. Even though I’d said goodbye to everyone a different airport ago and a flight to Baltimore in between, it still hadn’t sunk in.
In less than half a day, I’d be walking the streets of Paris.
My last weeks on Carrinaw Island felt like a strange dream. I’d come back from New York City and I was suddenly Zach’s girlfriend. We spent all of our free time together watching movies, or having coffee, or hanging out at the beach, or running errands, or anything else we could possibly do together. I honestly couldn’t remember a time in my life when I’d felt so happy. I hadn’t even taken a migraine pill since before my trip, and I had more fingers than instances of counting my inhale/exhale pattern.
Being with Zach was weirdly easy, but maybe it was because we knew we only had a tiny amount of time to fit as much fun in as we could. Every second, even the silent ones, was filled with a simple peace I’d never had before. I took every opportunity I could to tell him something about me, and he shared his secrets with me in return. He, however, took every opportunity to kiss me. It was only fair that I showed him the same courtesy in kind. Neither of us saw any problem with the arrangement.
For twelve wonderful days, I got moment after moment of new Zach memories. And one by one, I found they were replacing the older, uglier ones. He wasn’t at all how I thought he’d be. Not once did he pressure me for anything everyone warned me he’d expect. It was a beautiful, but bittersweet way to end my last summer in the States, yet it wasn’t until Baltimore that it really hit me.
My Bittersweet Summer Page 22