"It isn't nothing," he insisted. "And I won't forget it."
"It's silly."
"If you're troubled, then it isn't silly."
She shrugged. "I'm so afraid of losing him."
"You won't."
"His father died at Christmas-time, you see. One day we discovered he had a virulent form of cancer and within weeks he was gone. I couldn't bear it if I lost Joshua, too.''
That explained her dislike of the holiday, even though she'd tried to hide it.
"You won't lose him," he stated again. If he repeated it often enough, she might start to believe it.
"I know, but down in here..." she pressed on her breastbone "... I still worry.''
"Would it make you feel better if I asked another doctor for a second opinion?''
She shook her head. "It's not that I don't trust your judgment. It's just that something unexpected could happen." Her attempt at laughter fell short. "I tell myself that I'm not jinxed when it comes to Christmas, that fate wouldn't be so unkind as to take two people away from me during this time, but the truth is, it could happen."
"And an asteroid could crash through the ceiling right now," he said.
"You're making fun of me."
"No. Never. I'm just trying to tell you that the odds are against it and you can't dwell on that one in a million chance."
"I know, but—"
"But nothing. It's easy to think the worst when you're tired, so as soon as you've had your soup, we're going back upstairs and you're going to bed."
"But Joshua—"
"Will probably sleep all night," he said. "And if he doesn't, we have nursing staff on duty to take care of his every need. Now, no arguments. How's the recliner?"
"Hard," she answered wryly.
"Typical," he said.
"Speaking from experience?"
"I spent many a night in recliners just like that one," he said as he dug into his mashed potatoes and gravy, pleased to see Claire doing the same with her soup. "The surgeon fixed Jennie's cleft lip a few weeks after she was born. One specialist wanted to wait until she was several months old and another wanted to repair it right away. I would have gone with his recommendation, but she developed an ear infection and we had to postpone."
"Was her palate affected as well?"
He nodded. "Her soft palate but not the hard. The surgeon corrected that when she was about six months old."
"She was rather young, wasn't she?"
"The timing is still controversial. They claim the earlier it's done, the better it is in terms of the child's speech and hearing. Others believe that if surgery is done too soon, the teeth buds can be damaged or normal facial bone growth will be affected. It was a tough decision."
"But you opted for early treatment."
"It seemed worth the risk. And..." he let out a deep sigh "...I thought it might help my wife bond with our baby."
"She had a hard time coping?"
"To say the least. She refused to look at Jennie or hold her. As you know, these babies have special needs when it comes to feeding, and Donna simply refused to handle that aspect of her care."
"I'm sorry," she said softly.
"I am, too. Donna was—is—a beautiful woman, and I thought that once the obvious had been corrected, she'd accept her daughter for the lovely baby she was. I was mistaken."
"And you grew to resent her."
"Hell, yes, I did," he exploded, before he tempered his tone. "Just because she'd been a model and was an airline attendant who'd worked her way into the first-class overseas flights, it didn't mean that she could ignore her daughter."
"But she did."
He nodded. "As soon as her gynecologist gave her a clean bill of health, she returned to work. By the time Jennie was as normal as modern medicine could make her, Donna had decided to replace us. We divorced before Jennie's first birthday, which was probably a blessing in the long run."
"So she never knew her mother?"
"Not in the true sense. Oh, Donna sends Jennie a birthday gift every year, but otherwise she's too busy with her new husband. He's a rich old geezer who can afford her collagen and botox whenever she wants them."
"It's a shame that Jennie missed out on the mothering experience, but you've done a marvelous job with her," Claire said. "She's a delightful little girl."
"Thanks. She's pretty special in my books, too."
Claire pushed aside her nearly empty bowl. "I can't eat another bite. That was delicious."
He grinned. "What did I tell you?"
On their way to the elevator, Claire stopped in her tracks. "I forgot to ask. Did you find your tree? I suppose you chose the biggest on the lot."
Her smile and teasing tone made her sound more like her old self. "Not quite," he said ruefully. "Fortunately, we have eight-foot ceilings in our house, so I'm able to convince Jennie that a seven-foot pine will look perfect." He sobered. "She really wants you and Joshua to come over."
She dropped her gaze and crossed her arms. "I know she does, but I wouldn't be very good company."
"You can't ignore Christmas forever," he said.
Her eyes reflected her indecision. "I'll think about it."
He stroked the back of her hand, enjoying the softness of her skin. "That's all I ask."
The return trip to Joshua's room went much more quickly than Alex would have liked, but he didn't feel right in taking the scenic route if it kept Claire from Joshua any longer than he'd promised. She hadn't dwelt on her worries and perhaps, when she walked in and found Joshua as healthy as she'd left him, she'd rest easier.
"Now, I want you to sleep," he told Claire as soon as they walked into Joshua's room. "If you don't, I'll prescribe a sleeping pill."
"I'll be fine. Honest."
"OK. I'll see you in the morning and I expect to see you bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."
She grinned. "I'll do my best."
Later, as Alex lay in his own bed, his arms folded underneath the back of his head, he reflected on how lucky Joshua was to have such a caring mother. It still rankled him at times when he thought of Donna's selfishness, but if she had remained in the picture, he wouldn't have the close relationship that he did with his daughter.
Now, if only he could work out a relationship with Claire. In the meantime, however, he intended to do what he could to help Jennie in her efforts to spread Christmas cheer to the Westin household.
CHAPTER SIX
"What have you decided?" Alex asked as he drove Claire and Joshua home on Saturday morning.
Claire had been waiting for his inevitable question. After stewing over the subject at odd times throughout the night, she still had a hard time answering.
What had she decided about Jennie's and Alex's invitation?
She had one reason to refuse and a dozen to accept... Joshua would enjoy the outing. Jennie would be thrilled and she herself would spend a pleasant afternoon with Alex.
If she didn't go, what else would she do? The few presents she'd purchased for Joshua and Nora's family were wrapped and ready for delivery. She didn't send out Christmas cards and had ordered holiday cookies instead of baking her own. She hadn't started Jennie's costume but, until they either found the fabric they'd bought or purchased more, she had no other commitments. That left curling up with a good book and drinking hot chocolate while Joshua napped.
What a choice. Spend the afternoon reading or being with Alex and feeling her toes tingle.
"Can't make up your mind?" he teased.
She managed a smile. "It shouldn't be a tough choice, but it is."
"In case you want my professional opinion, Josh probably won't suffer any ill effects if he spends a few hours away from home. It might be good for him. And for you."
"Is that your holiday prescription, Doctor?"
"One of them," he said.
"And the others are?" Claire looked at him expectantly, taking in the strong lines of his chin.
"I'll save those for another day," he said. "I'd
hate to overdose you on holiday spirit."
She chuckled before her good mood dimmed. She'd feel guilty if she prevented Joshua from experiencing something that so many other children took for granted, but she'd feel equally as guilty if she went in search of a good time.
It was simply a matter of which choice carried the most condemnation.
"I think we'd better stay at home," she finally said.
Claire expected Alex to argue, but he simply said, "Jennie will be disappointed."
"I know, and I'm sorry. Tell her..." Her mind raced to think of a suitable consolation prize. "Tell her we'll drive by this evening to look at it."
"She's going to want to go back to the clinic," he reminded her. "We have to finish there, too."
"What about tomorrow?" Claire asked.
"Cutting our time frame a little close, aren't we? It would be simpler to go this evening and get it over with. Unless you prefer to have unfinished projects hanging over your head."
"I don't, but surely you planned something more interesting on a Saturday night?" Like a date, she wanted to add, but didn't.
The twinkle in his eye suggested that he'd read her mind. "Sorry to disappoint you, but I didn't."
"If you truly don't have other plans then, yes, we'll go to the office." Joshua would get a small taste of the joys associated with Christmas when they added the final touches to their snowflake tree. She'd reserve tomorrow to sew Jennie's costume.
"OK," she said. "This evening it is."
A few minutes later Alex parked his vehicle and helped her into the house. Joshua immediately tore off his stocking cap and headed for his pile of toys in the living room. Several minutes later, she heard a familiar "beep, beep".
Alex grinned. "He sounds pretty normal to me."
"Yeah. Thank goodness."
"If you should change your mind about helping with our project at home, drop by," he told her. "Jennie wants to start around noon."
She didn't know what to say, so she simply nodded.
He turned to leave, then stopped. "I understand your reasons to avoid Christmas, but I don't have to like them," he said. "You can't run and hide forever."
Before she could answer, he was already halfway to his car. Claire watched him slide inside and drive away, his words still ringing in her ears.
"I'm not running," she said to the empty foyer. "Or hiding."
She stomped into the living room with righteous indignation, but as soon as she. saw the pathetic tree and Joshua's stocking hanging forlornly from the mantel, the wind blew out of her sails.
Maybe she wasn't running away, but she wasn't walking forward either. She may have started over in other areas of her life, but in this one she was stuck in the same rut.
Joshua ran toward her and her personal dilemma took a back seat. "Mama. Dink."
"Drink," she said, instinctively correcting his pronunciation.
He bobbed his head as he grabbed her hand. "Dwink," he repeated. "Joo."
"OK, young man. I'll pour juice for you."
While he drank his cup of apple juice, Claire began fixing their lunch. Joshua hadn't eaten his breakfast in the hospital and because it was nearly eleven-thirty, she knew he'd be hungry soon. After he'd quenched his thirst, he sat in front of her cupboard and pulled out his favorite pots and pans.
Absent-mindedly, she watched the macaroni boil and reflected on her situation. Why should she conform to everyone's expectations about the holiday? Just because she didn't feel the need to go overboard like everyone else, it didn't mean that she was hiding.
Aren't you? her conscience persisted.
Before she could think about her answer, Joshua tugged on her pant leg. "Eat?"
She carefully, cautiously lifted him up and held him on one hip as she kissed his temple. "Just a few more minutes. Can you put your dishes away?"
He nodded. "Down."
Ten minutes later, she'd strapped him into his high chair and placed a plate of macaroni and cheese in front of him. It didn't take long before he was wearing as much of his dinner as he'd spooned into his mouth. By the time he started chasing macaroni across his high-chair tray with one finger, she knew he'd eaten enough.
"OK, son. You're just playing. Let's wash your face."
"Play?" he asked.
"For a little while," she said as she scrubbed his cheeks with a wet cloth.
"'Ennie?" he asked.
"Jennie isn't here," she answered, although her thoughts immediately drifted in Alex's direction. Her imagination pictured him moving boxes of Christmas decorations out of storage and Jennie enthusiastically opening each one. The room was probably a mess, with boxes and tissue paper all over the floor. Knowing Jennie, she was probably in seventh heaven.
"Toys," Joshua demanded.
"Yes, sir," she said, then gingerly lowered him out of his chair. "You may play with your toys."
While he scampered into the living room, presumably to his toy corner, Claire washed their few dishes. Her imagination took her back to Alex's house. Would he pop in a CD of carols and sing along with Jennie?
She listened with her mother's ear and heard Joshua babbling to himself in their otherwise quiet house. At one time she would have played everything from Bing Crosby's holiday tunes to her collection of symphony Christmas music, but now she didn't even know where she'd stored those discs.
Alex's voice echoed in her head. You can't run and hide forever.
Before she could argue with herself, Joshua reappeared. "Mama. Watch me. Pease."
With a request like that, she couldn't refuse. She followed him into the living room and leaned against the doorframe, content to observe his driving skills as he rolled his trucks over the rug that pictured a town. Buildings of all kinds—a park and playground, a school and various stores—lined the winding streets and Joshua happily drove his vehicles with little regard for stop signs or pedestrians. Every now and then he took a short cut through buildings, trees and even a fire hydrant to reach whatever destination struck his fancy.
With his attention occupied, Claire tried to choose a book from her collection, but none of the titles appealed. Cover art went unnoticed because she saw Alex and Jennie stringing lights and hanging ornaments in her mind's eye.
Suddenly, her house seemed too lonely and far too quiet. She wanted—needed—to be in a room full of noise and laughter, watching the awe on Jennie's face appear on Joshua's.
It seemed a crime to deprive him of one of the season's joys.
She replaced the book on the shelf and stiffened her spine. "I'm doing this for our son, Ray," she whispered. "I hope you understand."
Before she could talk herself out of her decision, she said, "Come, Joshua. Let's find your coat so we can go bye-bye."
He immediately stood at hearing his favorite word. "Bye-bye?"
"Yes," she answered. "We're going to visit some very special people."
"You told Claire that she could come and help us with our tree, didn't you, Daddy?" Jennie demanded as she plugged in the string of lights to check the little bulbs after eleven months of storage.
"Yes, kiddo. I did."
"And you told her that I really, really, really wanted her here?"
"Yes, Jen. Claire knows. She agreed to stop by this evening and check out our work before we go to the clinic, so no pouting."
"But, Daddy, you're a doctor. When you say stuff, people are supposed to listen."
Alex chuckled at his daughter's idea. "They do if I give medical advice. In situations away from the hospital or clinic, it's their choice whether to listen or not."
"I do what you tell me," she reminded him.
"Because I'm the parent. Claire is a friend and she can decide what she wants to do in her spare time."
"You still should have told her that she had to come this afternoon," she mumbled.
"She'll come if she can," he said. "In the meantime, we'd better work on our tree or when she does stop by, she won't have anything to see."
"I still think Joshua needs a tree of his very own," Jennie insisted. "Couldn't we buy one for him? It wouldn't have to be big like ours. We could find something his size."
Alex intended to veto his daughter's suggestion, but the more he thought about it, the more he liked it. Claire might refuse their gift, but if it was intended for Josh, he was reasonably certain she wouldn't.
On the other hand, if she did, he didn't want Jennie to walk away with crushed feelings. "I'll agree on two conditions."
Jennie bounded to her feet and jumped up and down in excitement. "What?"
"Claire might not appreciate us bringing a tree without her approval."
Jennie nodded. "You mean she might get mad."
"Exactly. If she refuses it, don't be upset."
"I promise I won't, but she won't turn it down."
Alex didn't have as much faith as his daughter, but nothing ventured was nothing gained. "She might."
Jennie shrugged, unconcerned. "If she does, we'll put it in our kitchen. Mrs Rowe won't care if we have two trees at our house, will she?"
He smiled at her. "No."
"What's the second condition?"
"I'll do the talking."
Her head bobbed. "Deal."
"Now, if we're going to accomplish this today, we'd better get busy."
They rushed to the closest lot selling Christmas trees, chose a four-foot tree that Jennie deemed was Joshua-sized, stuffed it in the back of his car and drove toward Claire's house.
Although Jennie was thrilled by what she termed "their secret mission", Alex hoped Claire would still speak to him when this was over. After his parting shot, she'd probably think he'd purposely planned to drag her out of her comfort zone. He hadn't, but he wasn't about to let the golden opportunity of Jennie's suggestion pass by.
Alex parked in Claire's driveway, fully expecting her to notice their arrival and race out of her house before they made it to the door. His luck held. As far as he could tell, not even a curtain had stirred.
Jennie carried the small bag containing an extra fifty-foot strand of lights while he hauled the tree onto the porch. After placing it away from the door and windows, out of sight, he whispered, "Don't forget. Let me—"
"I know. You'll do the talking."
A Very Special Christmas Page 7
