I step through the doorway and people are milling about. Most I don’t recognize, except maybe some of Caden’s faculty friends from the university. When I step in the room, my heart plummets to the ground. The sight of side-by-side caskets with bouquets of flowers fill the front of the room. It’s hard to express that it’s almost peaceful that they went together. God knows I can’t imagine continuing my life without Kailey. Caden kept to himself mostly, but he showed the deep love he had in his own way. It wasn’t unusual for me to find him crying in his car, downstairs late at night, or just the sporadic tears that would overflow his eyes when Jen would be throwing up all night or admitted into the hospital. I sign the guest the book and wait my turn to give my condolences. My heart clenches, my mouth goes dry, and I fight to keep my feet planted to the ground. As much as I want to run to her and wisp her away from this whole scenario like some prince from the fairytales I read to Chloe and Tara, I don’t because this is reality not only for her but me too. Her body shifts, and her gaze concentrates on the floor in front of her while she waits for guests to hug her and whisper their sympathizes in her ear. Her aversion to looking up reveals she knows I’m here. How could she not? I felt her in the parking lot. That undeniable connection Kailey and I have had since I laid eyes on her that day.
People inch forward, and my time draws closer. She won’t be able to escape me. She’ll have to face me. I keep my eyes on her because there’s good chance I’ll be chasing her at some point.
The closed casket is lined with pictures of him, Jen, and the kids with an enormous bouquet of flowers. A small red sash, reading ‘Loving Husband and Father’ peeps out. Caden’s parents flew in the day after the accident, finally willing to help out. It’s the only reason I’ve given her the distance; otherwise, I’d be sleeping on that damn couch until she comes back to her senses. They give me their sympathies back. Caden had become a good friend over the past months, and I can’t help but sense his parents and he had a strained relationship. They’ve been upfront and honest that due to their age and location, they can’t take responsibility for the kids, not that Kailey would want or allow it. I place my hand on the casket and say a silent prayer for a funny, straight-forward man, who’s up in heaven with his lovely wife. No one could have predicted that they would leave this earth together.
Instantly, my mind takes me back seventy-two hours ago. Mr. Troutdale’s deep gravelly voice rings in my head. “There’s been an accident...the ambulance was hit...it rolled several times...Mr. Campbell wasn’t strapped in...only the driver survived.” Kailey’s sobs were the next noise to fill the room. Her repeated ‘I don’t understands’ has me begging every last person in heaven to take this pain away from her. Send Caden and Jen back down, make this nightmare go away, make my girl happy again.
Kailey stays strong through her tears, even going down to identify the bodies after constant pleas from me not to. The police are willing to let me go by myself, but Kailey says she needs to see them to believe it.
She never even fully loses it when we go home. Deciding on how we’re going to tell the girls, Kailey decides to tell them together. Brady, Sadie, and Dex take Drew to the park while we sit Chloe and Tara down. Tara on Kailey’s lap and Chloe on mine, we tell them there was an accident, and that their parents wouldn’t be coming home. Of course, neither fully understands.
Later that day, Tara passes out from crying in a fit asking for her mom and dad, and Chloe sits in her room playing by herself. I knock softly, and she turns my way. The redness in her eyes evidence she’s more upset than she’s letting on. My feet carry me across the plush carpet, and I sit beside her, crossing my legs. Her collection of Barbies is strewn across the floor. “Do you want to talk?” I ask her.
“No.” She picks up the red-haired doll and changes her into a fancy dress.
“Are you sure?”
She continues to play quietly, ignoring my existence. “Where are they?” Her voice is soft and vulnerable.
“Remember how we’ve talked about this? In Heaven,” I remind her of the conversations I had with her a few weeks ago when she cornered me at the park. Asking questions about her mom being sick and what did dying mean. I worried it wasn’t my place, but I figured I should be straight with the kid. She had legitimate questions.
“With the pretty angels,” she recalls. Picking up a doll-sized brush she starts combing the red hair over and over again.
“Yeah, she’ll watch over you now. Her and your dad. They’re never far away from you.” My best attempt to understand something I’ve never had to fathom. Everything inside of me breaks for not only this little girl, but her siblings as well.
“Will I see them?” My shoulders fall and my eyes close, willing myself to come up with anything in order to leave this girl with some hope.
“One day, you’ll meet them in Heaven. But right now, just know they’re looking over you.” Her eyes meet mine, and she studies my face for a few breath-starving minutes.
“I miss them,” she says straight-faced no emotion.
“I know.” I hold out my hand, and she clasps it tightly.
We sit for a while in the silence filled room until Dex knocks softly saying they had pizza downstairs. Chloe lets go of my hand and walks out of the room. Dex clasps my shoulder when I pass him. “You okay, man?”
“Yeah, eventually we will be,” I say.
That day I realize I would be a father to these children. Kailey and I would be their guardians. The scariest part of the whole realization was...it wasn’t. Thoughts of my days with Kailey and these three kids don’t frighten me. No anxiety or panic wash over me. Of course, I wish they could have their parents and vice versa. It’s the ultimate devastation to a family, one I would reverse in a second if I had the power. But I couldn’t, I was powerless except for the fact I could be there for them. Give them a life filled with love and laughter. I just have to convince Kailey first.
Her back is turned to me when I approach, but she knows I’m here. The urge to touch her is too great to ignore. My hand steadies on her hip, and my feet bring me closer to the warmth of her body. Leaning into her, her apple scent has me breathing deeper. It’s been two long days without her, the longest I’ve been away from her since we confessed our love for one another.
“Kailey,” I plea, begging her to let me love her, love all of them. Give me the chance to prove this is what I want, instead of her deciding for me. Her head drops, and her shoulders shudder making my hands automatically pull her toward me. Entrapping her in my arms, I hurry her out of the room while whispers swirl around us. We barge into the room I spotted on my way in. Luckily, it’s empty, and I lock the door.
I sit on the flowered couch and bring her down to my lap. She finally releases all her tears and grief into my shirt. Rubbing her arms and telling her she’ll get through this, I patiently wait for her to calm down. Anger starts to boil in my blood that things should be different. I should have fought harder when she pushed me away. With all her attempts to appear as though she’s fine and holding it all together, she’s not. How could she? How could anyone?
Forty-eight hours ago she made the decision to cut me out of her life. I sit on my bed stunned as she ends it with me. She grabs my heart, yanks it from my chest and tosses it out the fucking window. Her words are kinder at first. “You deserve a life...a life I can’t give you...this is an instant family, Trey. You’re only twenty-three.”
Then I hammer back arguments like, “You’re my life...I only need you...I love all of you...please, don’t push me away.” Our voice rise as she pushes and I pull back and forth until she hammers the final nail. “I don’t love you, Trey.” My mouth drops for the pure fact the words could leave her mouth.
“Don’t say that,” I instruct her, grabbing her by her upper arms.
“I mean it, Trey. I was just using you.” Her desperate plea to break me. She pushes my hands off her arms, and they drop to my sides. She escapes from the room, her frantic footsteps running down the st
airs. The twist of the doorknob and slam of the door announcing her departure jolts me to run after her. My feet can’t go fast enough, even slipping down the last few steps. Her car is pulling out by the time I open the door, and I sprint, pounding on her window not to do this. She places her car in drive once she gets to the street, and stares at me. Her tear filled eyes look ready to burst, I think she’s relenting. She rolls her window down, and I’m positive this is it. She’ll park back in the driveway, we will drive over to the house, relieve Caden’s parents from watching the kids, and snuggle up in bed and comfort each other. I’ll help her prepare the funeral arrangements, pick out what Caden will wear and stuff like that. “It’s over, Trey,” she tells me and speeds off before I can say anything.
I stand there in the middle of the street watching her taillights disappear like some fucking movie. There’s no way she meant it, right? We’re more than this. My throat contracts with the thought of never touching her again; never a brush of our fingertips, never a taste of her luscious lips. Just like that I’m back to being seventeen, signing the papers and handing my daughter over. The guilt and pain are too unbearable, the urge to forget, to numb this pain too great to deny. I begin to walk back to the house when movement from the corner of my eye draws my attention.
“Hey, Trey,” Bridgette flirtatiously says, twirling her long hair around her finger. She’s dressed in a white tank top and tight blue boy short panties. Why hadn’t I stayed on that path, the easy one? There are no bumps, twists, or sudden curves, just a straight and flat easily accessible road with on and off ramps. “I’ve got your favorite bottle,” she informs me.
Flat and easy sounds good right about now.
Kailey rises quickly to her feet and walks to the door. She cannot leave this room. I need to prove my love to her. Fight the case she didn’t let me two nights ago. Show her how fucking good we are together. Her right hand has a tight grasp on the lock, and desperation tears into me. Grabbing her and caging her between my arms, I plant my lips on hers. The immediate desires pools between us, and I slide my tongue through her parted lips. When her body relaxes and sways into mine, I know I have her and she knows it too. She feebly attempts to push me away, even though her mouth and tongue continues to mingle with mine. I use my strength over her as my advantage, pressing my body against hers.
Then she places both her hands and with all her force, pushes me away. Anger boils in my veins that it’s not enough. I can’t get her to understand how wrong all this is. How ridiculous and selfish she’s being.
“We can’t, Trey, just leave,” she spouts with eyes glued to mine.
“No, it’s bullshit, Kailey, and you know it.”
“Why won’t you just let it go?”
“Because you love me. Don’t deny it, Kailey. Stop cheating what we have.” She briefly wavers, and I take my last opportunity to pull her into me. Her body contours with mine. Her head just under my chin, so I can kiss her apple scented hair. My arms stretch around her, my one hand firm against her neck with my fingers laced through her hair. She relents, reaching her arms around my back and just like that, we’re back. The warmth of our bodies merge together into one solid form.
“Please, Trey, go,” she begs in a soft whispery voice, barely audible. There’s no wish I wouldn’t grant Kailey. Nothing I would deny her—except for that.
She bolts out of my arms and out of the room within seconds. Chasing after her, the crowd of people in the waiting area has increased. My eyes find the little brunette within the crowd. She stops at Kailey, and then her face beams and her little feet sprint my way. “TREY!” she screeches and heads my way. I scoop her up and my throat constricts when her small hands cup my face.
She tells me about Jen, and I remind her what we talked about. I know she’ll never remember this day, but a pain will fill her in the future that doesn’t today when she’s old enough to realize that her parents died much too young and were unable to watch her grow. Keeping her in my arms, we walk into the room. Hushed whispers of family or friends discussing the situation, pointing Kailey out as the Aunt and now guardian fill the room. The one older lady’s voice rings in my ear, “That’s the boyfriend. Like he’ll stick around. Just look at him.” I want to go up to her and ring her a new one and tell her where the hell to go. How dare the old hag question my dedication and love for not only Kailey but the kids. But starting a fight in the middle of a wake might not be the best way to plead my case.
Rallying up the crew, I lead them into the back of the room. A couch and a few chairs fill the space, but it’s more segregated and removed from the people. Kailey’s eyes glance our way occasionally. Not sure if she’s just watching the kids or myself, probably both. The gang walks back and Brady grabs Drew out of my lap.
“This little man loves me.” He starts tossing him in the air, and Drew laughs incessantly the whole time.
“Brady, you’re going to make him throw up,” Sadie says, shaking her head in disapproval.
“No you won’t, will you, little man,” Brady speaks solely to Drew, and he giggles again.
Jessa pulls out some coloring books and crayons from her bag and hands them out to Chloe and Tara. Oh, my friends, I love them. They’ve done so much to help us. I know Sadie and Jessa took turns spending the night with Kailey the past two nights. I would have thought one of them could have convinced her she’s being bullheaded and needs to let me decide the fate of my life.
Dex is the last to make his way to the back of the room. Shaking his head, I already know what he’s going to say. “I tried, man. She won’t listen to me.” He clasps my shoulders and before I notice all the guys are in a circle with me.
“I don’t know what to do. I got her alone, but she’s still convinced she knows best.”
“What’s your plan?” Grant chimes into the conversation.
I entwine my hands on the back of my neck in exasperation of her. Kailey, a girl who’s had me chasing her from the first day I stared into the emerald depths of her eyes. “I don’t know what else I can do,” I admit I’m coming close to defeat.
“We’ll think of something. How about a weekend alone, just you two?” Brady adds.
“No, it has to be the whole family,” I tell him, especially now. There’s no way I’m taking her away from the kids. Then across the room, I spot my in. A man I’m sure can flip this around back in my favor. “Thanks, guys, but I think I got it.”
I walk toward Kailey, and her eyes roam over my body. She likes what she sees, and I want to get down on my knees and thank the heavens above. At least I got one thing going for me. I stand to her right, giving her space to be comforted by people that truly love her. Holly’s skin is now sun-kissed from the sun of Colorado, and she pulls Kailey toward her and holds her tightly against her. Kailey slightly breaks, and I see her back rising and falling at a rapid rate. Clyde shakes my hand and then wraps the two of them into a great big bear hug. The three of them all weep for the family they’ve lost. Feeling like the outsider that I am now, I wait patiently until they finish. Then Holly abruptly yanks me into the hug, and I wrap my own arms around her and Kailey. Before I gather what has happened, Holly slowly moves her and Clyde out of the circle, leaving me holding Kailey. As though she knew what’s going on, and she’s trying to fix it. Clyde keeps his wife at his side and eventually Kailey calms again. When her head picks up and she gathers I’m her comforting source, she straightens her back and wipes the tears from her eyes. She focuses on the group behind Holly and Clyde and walks over extending her hand.
Holly shakes her head and pushes her arm through mine, escorting me out of the parlor. I pray that between her and Clyde I’ll be back where I was forty-eight hours ago.
Chapter 18
Kailey
Trey stays for the duration of the wake. Aunt Holly and Uncle Clyde take the kids back to Jen and Caden’s, along with Caden’s parents. He silently stands by the doors, shaking hands with guests as they leave. His way with people has always amazed me. That
everybody is my friend attitude warms people to him immediately, even with his outward appearance of tattoos and piercings. It was the one characteristic that first drew me to him like a moth to a flame. I remember how much he consumed my thoughts and dreams when I was still invisible to him. It’s hard to believe, he now stands there at those doors peering over to me with eyes so packed with love my heart swells from just one glance. I should have never dragged him into my life in the first place. I shouldn’t have been so selfish.
The last couple leaves and the funeral director walks into the room. Trey follows close behind him, unwilling to leave my side. God, I love that man. Forever loyal. The director informs me of tomorrow’s schedule, the time of each step. He asks about the pallbearers, and my gut sinks, realizing I never thought about it.
“It’s all taken care of. I can give you a list of names,” Trey conveys.
My astonished face stares up at him, and he places his hand on the small of my back, rubbing small circles.
“It looks like you have it all set then. Thank you. We’ll see you tomorrow at nine o’clock.” The director escorts us out of the room, shutting the doors behind him. A feeling of loneliness washes over me. The two people who were second parents to me, now lay in that room, still and empty. Trey immediately wraps his arm around me and pulls me into him. His lips brush the top of my head as he leads me out into the summer night air together.
Since Holly and Clyde took the van, Trey’s my ride home, and the fact he knows that already leaves weariness in me. We drive to the house, his hand in mine, his thumb rubbing over my knuckles like always. The comfortableness between us has me wishing things were different. I imagine that we’re on our way back from a magnificent date, where he swooned me with his sweet talk and kind gestures, instead of the reality.
The lights are on in every room when we pull up, and I’m assuming all the kids are up, most likely struggling without their normal routine. “Looks a little crazy,” Trey mentions, throwing the car in park.
Let Me Love Page 19
