As Nadia grew stronger day by day, I felt as if my prayers were being answered. I also felt more whole – more worthy and confident – having surrendered to the idea of forgiveness. When I watched her sit in the rocking chair in the hospital nursery and hold her baby for the first time, I felt weightless, as if I were floating upwards toward the clouds. Nadia wept softly, and somehow I knew this was the first time she had ever experienced such a deep and profound joy.
Our eyes met, and a warm glow moved through me.
“Diana,” she whispered, “how can I ever thank you?”
“For what?” I asked.
“For taking such good care of me, even after everything...”
I shook my head. “That’s in the past now. Besides, you were right. You did do me a favor. A huge one. I just didn’t realize it at the time.”
She continued to rock gently in the chair and look down at her baby.
“Now I’m glad it happened,” I firmly said, “because if it hadn’t, you wouldn’t be holding that precious little bundle in your arms. And we’re going to love her like there’s no tomorrow. You and me, together.”
“Even if there was no tomorrow,” Nadia said, “I would go to bed happy tonight, knowing I was able to hold her – just this once – and knowing that she’ll have you.”
I frowned. “Don’t talk like that. You’re getting stronger every day.”
She glanced up at me briefly and nodded, but I couldn’t escape the feeling that she knew something I didn’t – something even the doctors couldn’t know.
“I think I’ll name her Ellen,” she said. “Do you like that name?”
“Yes. It’s lovely.”
Ten days later, Nadia and Ellen were discharged from the hospital, and I hired a full-time nurse to take care of them at home while I was at work. Because I wanted Nadia to get plenty of rest, I took over the night feedings and diaper changes. Though I was exhausted in the mornings, I loved every precious minute I spent with little Ellen, singing lullabies and bouncing at the knees while I walked with her around the house in the middle of the night.
Though I needed coffee more than ever in the mornings, I stopped going to my regular Starbucks because I was afraid I might bump into Jacob. I suppose I didn’t trust myself to truly let him go.
Weeks passed. I missed him terribly, and I had no idea what he was feeling. We hadn’t spoken or texted each other since Nadia left the hospital, though she had been to see him a few times for checkups. I chose not to accompany her. Maybe he was hurt by that...
Maybe he assumed I didn’t care, or that I wasn’t thinking of him.
Then, four weeks after Nadia’s discharge from the hospital, something happened on a Saturday afternoon.
We were sitting at home eating lunch together, when her hospital-issued pager went off.
Chapter Seventy-three
IT TOOK ME less than an hour to get Nadia to the hospital, and she was immediately taken in for blood work and other preparations. Because it was a Saturday, our home care nurse was off duty, so I took Ellen with me in the stroller. I brought a large diaper bag with extra bottles and everything I would need if we had to remain in the hospital for an extended period of time.
I was permitted to stay with Nadia while she waited, and when a nurse came in to check her IV, I couldn’t help but ask, “Will Dr. Peterson be performing the surgery?”
“Yes,” she said. “He should be out of the OR soon. He’s removing the donor heart now.”
“The donor is here in the hospital?” I asked, having expected the heart to be flown in from somewhere else.
“Yes,” the nurse replied. “It’s not often that happens.”
The idea that Nadia’s new heart had been beating in another living person, right here in this building, filled me with intense emotions. I couldn’t help but think of the family members who were, at this very moment, losing a loved one.
And Jacob... He was not far.
I had dreamed of him just last night. I dreamed that he was running up a hill, drenched in sweat. I didn’t know what that meant.
“Diana,” Nadia said.
I realized I was staring off into space, pushing the stroller back and forth to help Ellen fall asleep. “Yes?”
“I need to say something to you.”
Focusing all my attention on my sister, I moved closer to the bed.
“Thank you for letting Jacob be my doctor,” she said. “I know it hasn’t been easy for you, these past few weeks.”
“It’s been fine,” I assured her. “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“No, it hasn’t been fine. You’ve been very gracious, not saying anything about him, but I know how you feel. I see it in your eyes sometimes, and I can’t blame you. He’s a wonderful man.”
I swallowed uneasily. “And an excellent surgeon, which is why I want him to stay focused on you.”
“I appreciate that,” she said. “And I want you to know that everything you’ve done for me has made me believe in something I never believed in before.”
“What’s that?”
“The forever kind of love. I never really felt like I was truly part of someone else’s life before, but now I understand what it means, and what it means to be family. I understand because of how I feel about Ellen, and also because of how I feel about you. You’ve given up a lot for me, and I’m grateful for the time we’ve had.”
I laid my hand on her arm. “We’re going to have plenty more of that,” I said.
Her attention was diverted when someone entered the room. I turned to look, and my heart nearly beat out of my chest when I found myself staring at the man I had dreamed about last night, running up that hill.
When our eyes met, I recognized something in his expression I didn’t want to see.
Disappointment.
“I’m sorry,” Jacob said, “but the donor heart wasn’t a good match. We won’t be doing the surgery today.”
Nadia sat forward and covered her face with her hands, while I couldn’t seem to move from my spot on the floor.
We had known this was a possibility – that we would be called into the transplant center, but the organ wouldn’t be right for Nadia. It would go to someone else. I had no idea, however, that the news would be so devastating.
We’d gotten our hopes up. Now they were crushed.
“I wish I had better news for you,” Jacob said. I couldn’t tear my gaze away from his. “I really wanted it to be a match.”
Nadia nodded and sat back.
“Thank you,” was all I could say to him.
He nodded, then turned around and walked out.
While Nadia spoke to a social worker about what had occurred that day and made arrangements to see the psychologist, I waited alone in a long corridor, pushing Ellen’s stroller up and down, up and down.
She slept soundly, and I wondered why all of this had to be so difficult. Why couldn’t Nadia have some good luck for a change, for once in her life? Hadn’t she been through enough?
Feeling emotionally drained, I stopped walking, closed my eyes, and leaned my head back against the wall.
After a few seconds, all the hairs on my neck stood on end, and I felt a tingling sensation everywhere.
I opened my eyes to find Jacob standing in front of me. He wore a clean pair of OR greens.
A sudden commotion erupted inside me. We stared at each other for a long moment without saying a word, then Jacob wrapped his hands around the handle of Ellen’s stroller and gestured for me to follow him. He pushed Ellen down the length of the corridor, and took us into a supply closet.
The next thing I knew he was pulling me into his arms, where he held me close for a shuddering moment. I wrapped my arms around his neck and clung to him like a lifeline. Then he pulled back and smothered my mouth in a fierce kiss that knocked the wind right out of me. Straining against him, I ran my hands through his wavy hair. The pleasure was intoxicating, and my body trembled. I felt like a starving person who had
just been led to a swimming pool filled with delicious ripe fruit, and I had leapt into it.
My head was spinning; my knees turned to pudding. When Jacob broke the kiss, he held me close and whispered in my ear, “I had to see you.”
My answer came on a breathless sigh. “I’ve been in agony for weeks, missing you.”
He kissed me again and cupped my face in his hands. “I wanted to fix everything for you today,” he said. “I wanted to give Nadia a new heart. I’m so sorry it didn’t happen.”
“It’s not your fault,” I replied. “And we won’t give up hope. There will be other hearts.”
Jacob nodded. He started kissing me again, but his pager went off. He checked it and said, “I have to go.”
I backed away.
He squeezed my hand, kissed the back of it, and quickly walked out.
Chapter Seventy-four
WHILE DRIVING HOME, Nadia rode the entire way in silence with her head resting against the window, staring out at the passing streets.
“Are you okay?” I asked. I glanced briefly at her, then over my shoulder to check on Ellen, who was buckled into the rear-facing car seat behind Nadia.
“I don’t know how much longer I can hang on,” she told me.
It wasn’t the first time I’d felt some concern that she might sink into a depression. She knew her limitations, and she couldn’t do all the things she wanted to do. She couldn’t take Ellen for long walks in the park, she couldn’t travel; she couldn’t apply for a job. The future couldn’t really exist for her until the waiting came to an end, which made it difficult for her to remain hopeful.
“Let’s consider this a dress rehearsal,” I said. “And you know what they say about a dress rehearsal that goes badly.”
I expected her to finish the thought for me, but she continued to stare vacantly out the window.
I laid my hand on her knee and drove into our neighborhood. “It’ll go better next time,” I assured her, though I didn’t have the power to keep that promise. No one did.
I helped Nadia inside first, then removed the car seat from my vehicle and carried Ellen in. Ellen began to cry, so I set the carrier on the kitchen floor and went to prepare a bottle.
“I’d like to take a bath,” Nadia said, while standing at the bottom of the staircase. “But I don’t think I can make it up there. I don’t have the strength.”
My own heart throbbed with despair. “I’ll carry you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes,” I replied, “and tomorrow, I’ll see about having one of those elevator chairs installed.”
It wasn’t easy, but somehow I managed to carry my sister in my arms, all the way to the top.
“Thank you for taking care of Ellen,” Nadia said, her arms gripped tightly around my neck.
“You don’t need to thank me. I love doing it.” I carried Nadia to the washroom, set her down, and started the water running. Then I went back downstairs to change and feed Ellen.
Ellen finished her bottle and fell asleep in my arms, so I took her upstairs to her crib and laid her down. Quietly, I tiptoed out of her room.
Pausing in the hallway, I pressed my ear to the bathroom door to listen for water sloshing about in the tub, but it was quiet in there. Too quiet. After the day we’d had, I was concerned that Nadia might not be able to handle the stress.
I knocked on the door. “Nadia?”
She gave no answer, and my pulse began to race.
“Is everything okay in there?” I asked.
Then I heard the sound of movement in the tub, and I waited for her to answer.
“The door’s open,” she said. “You can come in if you want.”
I accepted her invitation and entered to find her up to her earlobes in frothy white bubbles.
“That looks great,” I said. “What’s the fragrance? Is it mango?”
“Passion fruit,” she replied, and swiped a hand over the suds, tossing a few bubbles into the air. “Sit down for a second,” she said. “I need to talk to you.”
I closed the lid on the toilet, took a seat, and leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.
“I’ve been thinking,” she said. “I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me. Really, I am. But things didn’t go so well today, and I think it’s time I tried a new doctor.”
“What do you mean?”
“I met Dr. Reynolds today,” she said, “and I liked him a lot.”
Laying her head back on the rim of the tub, she stared at me intently.
“What happened today wasn’t Jacob’s fault,” I said. “I’m sure he made the right call with that heart. It’s important that we get the right one for you, so that your body doesn’t reject it.”
“I don’t blame Jacob,” she said. “Today wasn’t the right day, that’s all. But I really liked Dr. Reynolds. He was nice.”
I twirled my pearl ring around on my finger. “You don’t have to do this,” I said. “Jacob is the best, and we’ve come so far.”
“We certainly have,” she agreed. “I feel very blessed. But I saw how you looked at him today, and how he looked at you. Like I said in the car, I’m not sure how much longer I can keep holding on, and when I think about Ellen growing up without me, I need to know that she’s going to have the thing that I missed out on – a real family that stays together. Parents who love each other and treat each other with kindness and respect. I’m doing you a terrible disservice by keeping Jacob for myself, when clearly he’s meant to be with you. So I’ve already made up my mind. I called the hospital a little while ago and asked for my file to be moved to Dr. Reynolds.”
I closed my eyes and looked down at the floor. “I only want what’s best for you,” I said.
“And I want what’s best for you,” she argued. “So maybe we’re going to have to duke it out and see who wins. But since I have a heart condition, I think it’s only fair that you allow me a handicap.”
I smiled at her.
“I know you want to be with him,” Nadia said. “Don’t even try to deny it. You can’t hide that from me. I’m your twin, for pity’s sake. I know everything.”
She scooped up a pile of soapsuds in the cradle of her hand and threw them at me. “Go call him, you idiot.”
The thought of contacting Jacob made me want to weep uncontrollably with happiness. “Maybe I’ll just send him a text,” I said.
“That’ll do.”
I stood and felt all the barriers between us falling away. Our lives apart had thrust us to very different places in the world, yet here we were, back to where we belonged, together as sisters, willing to sacrifice anything, and everything, for each other. “Thank you.”
“It’s no sweat,”
With a chuckle, I went downstairs to dig through my purse for my phone. A soon as I found it, I scrolled through my list of favorites and typed in a message.
Hey you. Nadia just told me she met Dr. Reynolds today and she liked him. I’m making a pot of tea right now. Are you home? Would you like some?
I set my phone down on the kitchen counter, stared at it, waiting impatiently for it to vibrate. It sat there like a dead fish.
Five minutes later, as soon as the kettle began to boil, there was a knock at the front door. I eagerly went to answer it.
Chapter Seventy-five
One month later
WHAT A DELIGHT to discover that everything Jacob had told me about fishing was true. After spending an hour with him at sunrise, standing on the edge of the dock at his lakeside cabin, while watching the mist rise up off the gleaming water, I was quite certain I had indeed added an extra hour to my life. Perhaps even two. I hoped the same would be true for Nadia.
Four weeks had passed since the false alarm that summoned her to the hospital to receive a new heart, which turned out to be the wrong one for her. Unfortunately, her condition had worsened since then. She rarely left the house and had to keep an oxygen tank nearby, but we remained ever hopeful that a new heart would be found i
n time to save her life.
Since the night I texted Jacob, he and I had met in Starbucks every morning, and eaten dinner with Nadia and Ellen on the nights he was home at a decent hour. If not, he came over later to spend time with us. Sometimes we watched television, or took Ellen for short drives around the neighborhood to help her fall asleep. Occasionally he and I went out alone together, to a movie or a late supper.
On this particular Saturday morning, the four of us – me, Jacob, Nadia and Ellen – had risen early after spending the night in his cabin, and ventured outside to marvel at the sunrise. Nadia was very weak, but she wanted this experience with a desperation and determination that moved me.
Jacob carried her down to the rocky beach, where he set her gently in a chair so she could hold Ellen in her arms and watch us fish off the dock.
A short while later, Jacob slipped a worm on a hook and cast a line. The reel made a whizzing sound, and the hook and bait went plop in the still water, creating a circular ripple effect that eventually reached the shore.
Ellen was fussy, however. Nadia sang to her.
“She’s scaring the fish away,” Jacob said with laughter. “We may have to eat steak tonight.”
“That wouldn’t be such a bad thing,” I mentioned as I laid my hand on his shoulder. “You do make an excellent steak. But it will have to be a lean one.”
He gave me a sexy smile and jiggled the rod, dragging the hook through the water. The rod quivered and bowed, and he tugged it back. “There’s a nibble.”
The line tightened and he reeled it in until a giant trout came flying out of the water.
“You’ve got one!” I cried.
Ellen screamed even louder.
“Looks like we’ll be dining on fish after all.” Jacob reeled in the trout. It landed on the dock and flopped around.
The Color of Heaven Series [03] The Color of Hope Page 19
