by Lilly Wilde
I looked toward the window; it was the one that had showcased our Christmas tree year after year. We’d spend hours decorating and laughing. Christmas music was playing as we attempted to sing along. We were each allowed to open one gift on Christmas Eve. Then on Christmas day, we’d all gather around the tree taking turns opening each of our gifts.
I walked back toward the foyer, its walls held several pictures and certificates; some dating as far back as my days in grade school. There was one from my first day of high school. I looked miserable. Dad was gone by then. I didn’t think that Mom had taken that picture. Maybe Miss Warner had come over that morning to help celebrate my first day. I couldn’t clearly recall; I was in such a state during that period that I had most assuredly blocked out many memories.
My heart squeezed as I swept my eyes over the room again. There was nothing fancy about the room, it probably resembled the living rooms of millions of houses but this was more than just a cozy room, it had fragments of my past, it had memories that were specifically meant for me … memories of the time when I had a complete family. The many nights we played board games and snacked on popcorn as I watched Mom and Dad cheat to win. They both had been very competitive, which is more than likely a trait that I picked up from them. There were also memories of the time when my family was broken … when we all finally realized that Dad wasn’t coming back. I remember the day Mom told us that he was gone. It broke my heart and that was a mild break in comparison to the desolation that his absence had caused within her.
I looked up and noticed that Lia and Bianca were watching me. They looked much like I felt, broken … into yet another piece. “It’s been a long time since you’ve been here. Not much has changed though,” Lia said.
“Here you go Aria,” Miss Warner said, walking in with a tray of tea and cookies.
“My assistant, Raina, has scheduled an appointment for us to meet with the funeral director later this evening,” I said, taking a sip of tea.
“I’d rather not go, if that’s okay Aria,” Lia said.
“That’s fine Lia. Is there anything special you’d like to have done?” I asked.
“I don’t know anything about funerals. I trust you to do what’s best,” she said, and rushed upstairs.
I placed the tea on the table. “I need to check on her,” I said.
“Aria, I’ll do it,” Bianca said.
“Alright, but if you need me, I’m here.” I said.
As we neared the time to leave, the girls decided they would both stay home. Mrs. Warner offered to come with and I was relieved because I had no idea how I was going to get through this. She chatted the entire car ride to the funeral home. I didn’t have very much to add to the conversation but she was filling me in on how Mom had slowly come back to herself and had even convinced her to start working out like she did so many years ago.
We made the funeral arrangements, deciding to have the funeral the day after tomorrow. I didn’t see the point in dragging this out. Mom didn’t have many close friends but there were a few church members who would attend the service and there was no need to wait on family to fly in. Mom hadn’t spoken to her side of the family in decades. They disowned her when she married Dad. She’d said they weren’t prejudiced which I believed because my grandparents were an interracial couple themselves. Mom never explained much more than that. To this day, I never understood why they would turn their backs on Mom.
Bianca and Lia were having a very difficult time. I didn’t know how to comfort them. We’d decided that they would move to Boston with me and attend Boston State next fall. I hated that they were going to be pulled out of high school during the senior year but I honestly didn’t have any other viable options. We would sell the house and invest the money to start a trust for them. I’d handled all of those types of arrangements but how was I going to handle being a real big sister again? How was I going to handle being without my mother?
*****
I watched as the casket was lowered into the ground. Due to the condition of the body, the service was closed-casket. I’d never see her again. I held my sisters as we shed silent sobs. At the conclusion of the service some of the church members, most of whom I didn’t know, extended their condolences. I’d asked April, Bianca and Lia to ride home with Mrs. Warner explaining that I would be on shortly. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Mom just yet.
Everyone had left but I couldn’t seem to move. I watched as the cemetery attendants covered the grave with the pile of dirt. I wanted to scream out to them to stop but I knew that was ridiculous. This was it. The closest I would ever be to my mother again.
Once the attendants left, I stood there and stared at the freshly covered grave. I desperately wanted my mom. I never wanted her as badly as I did at that moment. I should have been here. I should have been in their lives but I was so determined to prove myself, to prove that I didn’t need anyone, to prove that I wouldn’t let anyone break me.
I forced myself to step closer to the grave. “Mom, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t the daughter you needed; the daughter that I should have been. I’ll never forgive myself for not being there. I don’t understand why this happened. We were finally becoming a family again and we had so many more talks and laughs left to share. Now we’ll never have the chance.” I looked up at the sky, trying to suppress the tears that I knew were waiting. I lowered my head and looked at the headstone. The attendants had already placed it at the head of her grave. I walked closer and leaned over, trailing my fingers across the letters of the epitaph.
Our Hearts Are Forever Touched
Aria, Lia & Bianca
“Mom, I promise to be there for Lia and Bianca. We’re going to make you so proud of us. We’re going to be so close … the way you would have wanted. I promise. I love you. I love you so much.”
I looked up from the grave and saw that I wasn’t alone. There was a man standing there watching me. I lifted my gaze from his pant leg and continued upward, my eyes finally resting on the tender green eyes of the one person I didn’t expect to see.
CHAPTER NINE
My vision blurred; I blinked several times attempting to focus on his face. It was really him. He was here ... in Dayton. I was suddenly dizzy; I made an effort to shake it off but my legs had a plan of their own. They could no longer support my exhausted body; my knees buckled and I was on the ground.
My dilapidated fortress came tumbling down; I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My emotions overcame me and I began to weep. His arms were suddenly around me and I leaned into him. I needed the strength that his arms provided. I needed him to give to me what I couldn’t give to myself at this moment.
There … at the edge of her grave, I knelt sobbing into his chest for what seemed like forever. I cried for the lost years I would never get back, for the hugs I would never feel, for the voice I would never hear and for all the memories I never made. And Aiden was there the entire time holding me … whispering reassuring words in my ear, stroking my hair, letting me know that he was there … that he would always be there until I sent him away ... and even then, he would still be there. And at that moment, I believed him.
The tears eventually came to a messy halt. I lifted my head from Aiden’s soaked jacket. He passed a handkerchief to me; I dotted my eyes and wiped my nose. He stood and pulled me up … balancing me.
“I came as soon as I could. Words can’t express how sorry I am for your loss Aria,” he said.
“Thank you Aiden,” I replied, looking at the grave. “I thought you were out of the country.”
“I was. Once Raina called with the news of your mother, I rushed back.”
Raina had come to the funeral but she didn’t mention having contacted Aiden. When it came to work matters, she routinely went over and beyond, meeting needs that I didn’t know I had and this was no different. I was grateful to her as usual, since her first day of working with me; she somehow knew what I needed even when I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know it until
this very moment, but I needed him to be here. I looked back to Aiden and he too was looking at the grave.
“I didn’t have the chance to get to know your mother very well, but I did have the opportunity to meet her once,” he said, his voice solemn.
“What? How?” I asked, confused.
“I suppose I should say I created the opportunity to meet her. It was the day I left your office … after you had told me you were done. I wasn’t prepared to let you go and I wasn’t going to … at least not without one hell of a fight. I knew you needed time so I wanted to give you that. I called April and told her everything. I told her that you were having a hard time and that a visit from her would be ideal as you sorted through your feelings. She was unable to leave due to her work schedule but she assured me that between her and your mother that you would have all the support you needed. As you can imagine, I was shocked because you had last told me that you hadn’t been in contact with your mother, at least not on an intimate level for years. April went on to explain that you had been making amends with your family and how happy you were about it. So I left Boston a day early and flew to Dayton to meet her.”
“Neither one of them said a thing to me,” I said, in disbelief.
“Well that took some convincing on my part. They were both extremely worried about you. You – in a relationship, that was something as foreign for you as being in someone else’s skin. They wanted to be there but they didn’t want to be in your face about it.”
They had both been great, checking on me every day. Mom even sent chocolates … more than once. She also had some for herself and we ate them together as we Skyped.
“I’m not upset. I’m touched by all of it actually. Even you, going as far as you did to make sure I was okay.”
“Your mother was very nice and I was looking forward to getting to know her better. She loved you so much Aria.”
“But I was so horrible to her,” I said, ashamedly.
“She didn’t blame you for any of that. She was so proud of you.”
“I’m sure I’ll be angry at you later, but for now I’m so happy that you had the chance to meet her and give me another piece of her, another memory.”
“I’m pretty sure you’ll be angry later but that’s okay. I’m not going anywhere. And that’s exactly what I told your mother.”
“Oh did you? And how did she respond to that?”
“She liked me and as a matter of fact, she said I was quite handsome,” he said.
“Did she?” I asked. Only he could make me smile at a time as dismal as this.
“She sure did,” he said, smiling. “It made my day. She told me not to give up on you and that you were very stubborn. But I already knew that.”
“Thank you Aiden.”
“For what?”
“For being here now, for being overzealous enough in your pursuit of me to meet my mom behind my back.”
“What can I say? I’m a man who knows what he wants.”
I reached up to hug him. He pulled me close, enveloping me. It felt good to be in his arms. It felt like home. This is where I wanted to be. This is where I needed to be.
“Come. Let’s get you home,” he said.
The ride home was quiet. I rested my head on Aiden’s chest as he stroked my hair … a tear falling ever so often. When we arrived at the house, we were greeted by my sisters and April. They all rushed over to hug me.
“Where is everyone?” I asked.
“The last of them left a few minutes ago,” Lia said.
“Oh. What time is it?” I asked.
“It’s almost 5 o’clock,” said April.
I hadn’t realized how long I’d been at the cemetery. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you guys,” I said, looking at Bianca and Lia.
“It’s fine Aria. We knew where you were. Aiden called us and explained,” Bianca said.
“So it would seem you already know this guy.” I said, looking at him.
“Yes, we do. Thank you for coming Aiden,” said Lia.
“I’m going to get out of these clothes. Aiden, have a seat,” I said.
“Do you need me to come with you?” he asked.
“Thanks but I’m okay.” I said, smiling. He was really worried about me. I saw it in his eyes and in the way he was still holding me, almost as if he thought I would fall without him there to support me.
“She’ll be fine Aiden. Are you hungry? We have tons of food,” April said.
“Sure, that would be great,” Aiden said, as he slowly released my hand and followed April to the kitchen.
I walked upstairs and stopped at Mom’s bedroom. I stood at the door for several moments and looked inside. Everything was neat and in place. It didn’t look to be a room of someone who was no longer in this world. I took a step inside and closed my eyes. I willed myself to take a few more steps and looked around her room.
The picture of the four of us in Disney World was on her nightstand. I walked over and picked it up. She was a beautiful woman. She looked so unlike the mother I had grown to resent. There was light in her dark brown eyes and a happiness that had been absent since Dad left. I looked at my goofy smile and the silly expressions on the faces of my sisters. We looked so happy. We all shared the same rich shade of mahogany hair; ours was slightly darker than Mom’s though. Mom typically wore her hair in a ponytail but not in this picture. Lia and Bianca could have easily passed for college students. They were still running around with pigtails when I left for college. I was still getting reacquainted with the maturity of the two sisters I’d left behind. They were so much alike, yet they weren’t the carbon copies of each other that I’d thought them to be as children. They were both petite and wore the same hair style, flowing in waves adorning their glowing café au lait skin. Although you couldn’t discern from this picture, they both had bright amber eyes. Bianca was gregarious and more apt to surround herself with friends while Lia, much like me, enjoyed her moments of solitude. I had noticed that hadn’t changed at all. I was surprised when I met Lia’s boyfriend. I would have expected Bianca to have a guy but she insisted she liked to date rather than have one guy who would inevitably bore her to tears. I suspected there was more to it than that. I briefly entertained the thought of her having some of the same issues with men and relationships as I had. I could understand if she did, but I certainly hoped she didn’t.
I held the picture against my chest as I compared the happiness of the day in Disney to the sadness of this day. I looked around Mom’s room, remembering the nights so many years ago when I would crawl into bed with my parents, unable to sleep. Dad would tell me a story that led me to dreamland and the next morning I awoke in my own bed. I walked over to the dresser and there was a picture of Dad on the dresser; I stared at it. He was so handsome; he and Mom had made a beautiful couple. I stroked my fingertip across the image of his face and for the first time in years, I wanted my dad.
I turned and looked at her bed. I walked over and sat on the edge as I stared at the picture of us. I was emotionally exhausted. I pulled my feet up in the bed and lay back, curled in a ball as I grasped the picture tightly to my chest. I started to cry as the reality of the loss hit me again. I must have cried myself to sleep because I’d awaken with a bolt … screaming. Aiden was beside me in no time, holding me, rocking me in his arms, telling me it was going to be okay.
“April can you sit with her for a second, I need to make a call,” he said. I didn’t want him to let me go. I tightened my hold on his shirt; clutching it tightly in my fist. He gently pried my fingers away. “I’ll be right back Aria,” he said, peering into my eyes. Did he see the loss and bewilderment that I was feeling? I reluctantly released him as April came over to assume his spot near me on the bed. I watched Aiden; he didn’t leave the room. He pulled his phone from his pocket.
“Morgan, this is Dr. Raine. Please contact Dr. Grist to obtain information on any possible allergies or contraindications for Aria Cason for alprazolam. You have access to all of th
e necessary information they’ll need for a release of information. Call in the prescription. I’m headed to the jet now so I need this handled immediately.”
How did he know my doctor’s name? Was he leaving? I panicked; I needed him with me. He looked over towards me and then back at the others. “I’m taking her back to Boston. She can’t be here,” Aiden said, as he placed his phone in his pocket.
CHAPTER TEN
“What do you mean? We need her here with us!” Bianca exclaimed.
“Look at her. Have you ever seen her like this?” Aiden asked.
“No,” Bianca replied, looking anxiously at Aiden and then turning to Lia.
“Exactly. Being here will only make matters worse. I’m taking her home, end of story.”
“But–” Bianca began.
“I don’t mean to offend either of you but you haven’t been around her enough to know what’s best for her.”
They both looked at April for affirmation. “I’m inclined to agree. I don’t think being here is good for her,” she said.
I didn’t say anything. I watched and listened as they discussed me as if I weren’t in the room.
“I would like for the two of you to come also. We’ll buy whatever you need once we arrive. April, of course, you’re welcome to come. I think she’ll need you,” Aiden said.
“I think so too; I had planned on being here for the next week or so with her,” April said.
“Can one of you grab her things and meet me downstairs,” he said, as he walked over to me. He kissed me on the forehead and lifted me from the bed. He carried me downstairs and we were nearly out the door.
“Where’s the quilt? I want the quilt,” I whispered.
Aiden looked down at me, confused. “Are you cold?”
“No, I’m not cold. I don’t want to leave without the quilt,” I replied, as fresh tears began streaming.
