by Lilly Wilde
“Aria, I know all I need to know.”
“That very well may be, but I want to say it.”
“Okay,” he replied.
“I’ve dealt with so much heart ache in the last few months that the part of me that was beginning to open had started to close again. Before losing Mom, I’d started to think that it was for the best because it would help me avoid unnecessary pain,” I said.
“I know I haven’t said it aloud to the depth that you deserve but I hope my actions have spoken for me. I’m deeply sorry for my deceit and for the pain that I’ve caused. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass every day for it. Even when things were going well, I was struggling with telling you everything, but I didn’t want to risk losing you,” he said.
“Part of me is still struggling with that Aiden to be honest – the deceit.”
“I can understand that.”
“And it hurt, more than you realize.”
“Aria I know what –”
“Wait. Let me finish. That hurt allowed me to have something I wouldn’t have had otherwise – time with my mom and I can’t regret that. In the middle of the craziness, there were some very happy times with my family … and with you.”
“That’s huge for you to acknowledge that. I’m happy for you. That you had that time with your mother and I hope you keep your heart open to more times like that, regardless of whether or not it’s me you choose to do that with.”
I couldn’t imagine even attempting this with anyone other than him.
“When I left my family so many years ago, I left a way of life and I had no intentions of going back to it. Ever. I left with two thoughts. I would never be hurt by it again nor would I allow a man to do to me what my father had done to Mom. So I buried all associations with either of those possibilities – no meaningful relationships with men and breaking some of the ties to my family.”
I turned and walked toward the window looking at the darkness and the small sprinkle of stars as I continued. “I felt guilty for leaving. I knew they needed me. I heard them screaming out to me … to come back … to help them and I tried. I tried…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it anymore,” I said, turning to face him. I watched as his face twisted, feeling the pain in my words.
“Every day that I was there was miserable. I had hoped that Mom would snap out of it but those hopes became day after day of disappointment. When it gets to a point when a person expects to be disappointed, to be let down or bailed on, it changes you. It created a fear of embracing anyone, of allowing anyone to get too close.”
“I can understand that but that’s life Aria. We all face those same possibilities.”
“Life … yeah. I’ve seen this life take what I love … like a leaf fluttering in the wind, I sat and watched the wind blow it away. There was nothing I could do but sit and watch. It was out of my control. That’s why I decided that control was the only way to accommodate my needs. I wanted to pull the strings – never giving it a chance to get to a point where I could get hurt. I walked around every day with my guards up thinking that someone was going to hurt me so I made sure I kept everyone at arm’s length. At the end of the day, I had exactly what I wanted ... nothing and nobody. That solution wasn’t full proof but it was effective … until I met you.”
“Sorry for throwing a monkey-wrench in your program,” he said, lightening the moment.
“I know you’re kidding but that’s exactly what you did,” I said. “And I didn’t want any part of it.”
“And there was nothing about me that made you want to at least try? The feelings that I know you had for me. You’ve never said the words, but I know you love me. And that had to have had some type of effect.” he said.
“Aiden, when your heart’s been broken in a million different pieces, you’re not able to recognize the feeling of love, especially if you’ve never had it in a romantic sense. And when your love found a way to filter its way through one of the tiny cracks, it felt somewhat intrusive and very disconcerting. And now that I know who you really are, I find myself with yet another dilemma – fitting into your world. Considering a relationship with any man to this degree would be a challenge but with someone like you, it’s added additional layers of complexity.”
“Aria, you needn’t worry about that. That shouldn’t be the reason – as a matter of fact, I will not let that be the reason that we don’t give this a try especially considering that we’re obviously to a point where the other obstacles are being quietly pushed away.”
“That’s easy enough for you to say, but it’s much different for me,” I said.
“Explain.”
I didn’t feel comfortable unveiling another insecurity to him, but I knew I had to if this discussion were to be of any use. I recalled Raina telling me that she thought that Aiden was a fish out of water when it came to me. I’d been too hurt and angry to give that any consideration, but I think she was right. He and I both were trying to find our way through unchartered waters.
“I never felt as though I fit in anywhere. I think it started when Dad left; he and I were very close. And when he left there was no one at home I could identify with. My sisters were too young and Mom … well you know. Soon after that, I started to feel as though I didn’t fit with my friends, which is probably the real reason I only have one friend. Then there’s the fact that I’m bi-racial. When people look at me ... it’s as if they’re trying to figure out who or what I am. Funny thing is … I do the same thing and to this day I still don’t know. Until you entered my life, I really thought I knew but when I look in the mirror now, I see a stranger staring back at me. I feel as though I morph into someone different with every situation. I don’t know who I am. What I find so surprising is that I don’t even know who I want to see in the mirror anymore.”
He had that look that I’d seen once before when I opened up about myself. He felt sorry for me. I hated seeing that in his eyes. I turned away and continued. “Don’t look at me like that.”
He turned me to face him, forcing me to gaze into his beautiful green eyes. “You do fit … in more ways than you can imagine Princess.” He reached up and stroked my cheek. “Don’t you understand that you’re perfect? Wherever you are, you fit perfectly. No matter whom you’re with or where you are ... you belong and you need to know that you belong.” A silly smile crossed his perfect lips stifling a laugh. “As for feeling sorry for you ... give me a break. If anything – and I may lose my man card for saying this – I’ve found you to be intimidating at times.”
“Well that goes both ways,” I replied.
“Princess, what I do feel is admiration for the success you’ve become despite the pain and hurt that could have led to your demise. You’re like the missing piece of puzzle ... at least for me. I’ve walked around for as long as I can remember, feeling as though there was something significant missing from my life. I had no idea what it was until I met you.”
My heart was melting as I looked into his eyes seeing the truth he’d placed in his words. “Your family will never accept me. I’m not the woman they would choose for you,” I said.
“It doesn’t matter what my family wants, what matters is what I want … what I feel. Aria, I’ve dated those women that my family would approve of but I never really wanted them. I was just there. When you came into my life, all of that changed. I would awake every morning exhilarated. I thought of you continuously throughout the day. I even hated to go to sleep because I knew my thoughts of you would be interrupted. When I found myself drifting off, my last conscious thought was a hope that I would have dreams of nothing but you. Granted I wanted those dreams to involve fucking you, but still. In the end, even though you gave the pretense of hating me, I couldn’t stay away from you … I naturally gravitate toward you. I can’t explain it, but for the first time in my life, I feel full of life; it’s the feeling I get when I play music but somehow it’s more than that. I love everything about you; the way you look, the way you walk, the way you talk. I love t
he way your eyes twinkle when you laugh. I’ll bet you didn’t know your eyes twinkled. I love your smile – it’s a little crooked … your upper lip goes more toward the left a little bit, but I love it … I love you.”
“Wow, you make me sound so incredible that even I want to date me,” I said, smiling.
“So do you understand, at least in part, why I want this to happen?”
“I do,” I replied. “So I have a crooked twinkly-eyed smile? I thought you said I was perfect.” I said, jokingly.
“You are perfect – in every way. You’re definitely perfect for me.”
“You’re amazing, you know that right?”
“Yeah, I do,” he replied, smiling.
“Ugh,” I said.
“Let’s just press restart,” he said.
“What?” I asked.
“Either that or pick up where we left off the morning of the breakfast with my family.”
“So those are my only options?” I asked.
“Quite frankly, yes.”
“And what if I don’t like either of those options?” I asked.
“Let’s not entertain crazy notions, Aria. If I could let you move on, I would. But I can’t. I know what I’ve done. I lied to you from the very beginning. I didn’t go to RPH looking for anything to happen. I expected it to be just as it was when I went to any of my father’s companies. I know I broke your heart and I’m sorry. If I could go back and do things differently, I would, but I can’t. What I can do is make up for it, but you have to be willing to let me do that. I want this, I want you. You make me different, you make me better and I know that I do the same for you. I’m asking for the chance to put your heart back together. I know how to love you. I can give you everything that you want, everything you need. That’s what I’m offering.”
The fiery passion in his eyes made me want to fall into his arms but if I did, how long would it last this time? I couldn’t bear the thought of accepting the hope of him to only have it disappear again.
“I’m obsessed with you. Everyone and everything else are just distractions,” he said.
There was a hint of desperation in his voice that both scared and compelled me. Was I obsessed with him too? I knew distractions, I’d used them most of my life, I nevertheless accepted that, until recently however.
“Just say you’re willing to give us a chance.”
“What if I get hurt again, Aiden?”
“What if you get hurt? What if I get hurt? Nobody can promise you that you won’t but if you continue to isolate yourself from the mere possibility, you imprison yourself. Why can’t you see that, Aria? Your walls may keep people from hurting you, but you’re also hurting yourself. You can’t fill your entire life with loneliness and isolation because of the fear that you might get hurt.”
“I know that … now. It’s just very difficult, especially when it comes to you. You’re the first person to see me for who I am behind the mask. And I saw it happening. Every day, I saw that little something in your eyes that let me know that you were seeing the me that I kept hidden and it terrified me because it gave you an edge over me. And I had no idea of how to get it back. I still don’t.”
“I have something for you. I wasn’t sure when the right time would be to give you this but now somehow feels right.”
“I’m not sure I understand,” I said, confused.
He walked over to retrieve his briefcase and opened it. His back was to me as he looked down at whatever he was holding in his hand.
“Aiden. What is it?” I asked, walking over to him. He turned to face me just as I was about to touch his shoulder.
He looked at me as if trying to make a decision. I looked down to see that he was holding an envelope.
“This is from your mother.” He passed a sealed envelope to me.
“What?” I asked, my heart rate quickening.
“When I went to visit her, she wrote this for you. She told me to give it to you when I felt the time was right. I’m not sure what’s in the letter and quite frankly I’m a little worried about the timing but for the most part, it feels right.”
I looked at the front of the letter. It simply had my name. I traced my fingers over it, wondering how my mother was feeling when she wrote this. I wanted to open it but I was afraid.
“If you would rather I held onto it until you felt ready, I will,” he offered.
“No, no. I think I want to do it now,” I said, flipping it over to open it. My hands were shaking.
“Aria –”
“I’m okay Aiden.”
I removed the letter from the envelope and unfolded it.
My Dearest Aria,
I’m sure you’re surprised to receive a message from me in the form of a letter. It seems the art of handwritten letters has been lost on your generation. Your father and I wrote letters and small messages to each other the entire time we were together. They were one of the many joys of my time with him. I thought this particular message was worthy of something more than an email or text and I am hoping you will carefully consider its contents.
It you’re reading this letter, it means that you know that I’ve met your young Aiden. Before you unleash your rage upon him for coming to me, I want you to know that he’s someone you should not hold to the same restraints as you have the other men in your life. Although I‘ve only had a small amount of time with him, it was sufficient to see his heart and to see that you have it. Some people enter your life for a season and others enter for a reason. Aiden is not a seasonal entrance for you, Aria. He’s going to be your world as I know you will be his.
I remember when my dear friend, Constance Warner, lost her husband to cancer after more than twenty years of marriage. She swore she would never marry or fall in love again because Bryan had been “it” for her; he had been “the one”. At the time, I thought it foolish. How can you live the remainder of your life on mere memories? Not until losing your father did I understand. He was the love of my life, Aria. I know you think otherwise because he left, but he loved me in a way that all women deserve to be loved, cherished and worshipped. Once you’ve experienced that type of love, nothing else will ever do. There is no substitute.
I understand that now. Constance didn’t want a substitute. She only wanted the real thing and once it was gone, she was done. I’m sure that you realize by now that the same applies to my feelings for your father. Sweetheart, I don’t want you to have a substitute. Aiden isn’t a place holder, he’s the real thing. Aiden is to you what Matteo was for me. It may hurt to see these words but that doesn’t make them any less true. Aiden is that person for you. I saw it in his eyes. I heard it in his tone when he spoke of you.
I know I haven’t been there to help you learn or sort out these things but I’ve always wanted the absolute best for you. You deserve nothing less, Aria. Follow your heart. Don’t settle. And if Aiden is the man, that I’m certain he is, he will not allow you to.
You’re very head strong and when you set your mind to something, you stick to it, even if it’s to your detriment. Don’t let your stubbornness blind you to your reality. Fall in love, let it fill you and let it give you all the joys that accompany it.
Love you more than you can possibly imagine,
Mom
I stared at the words on the paper. So many emotions and questions were passing through me. My eyes watered and a steady stream of tears flowed down my face. I wiped them away and re-read the letter. My knees buckled and I sank to the floor, nearly fainting. Aiden caught me and lifted me into his arms, walked over to the bed and sat me on the edge. He didn’t say anything, he only looked at me. Given my reaction, I was certain that he was questioning his decision to give the letter to me. Quite frankly, I didn’t know if the time was right or if the time would have ever been right.
I thought back to the conversation that I’d had with mom about Kellan. She’d said that he wasn’t the one. I guess that her judgment was based in part on the time she’d spent with Aiden. I wonder why
she never said anything to me. Had she wanted me to make up my mind myself? Her letter clearly indicated that she knew I wouldn’t. Did she somehow sense that I couldn’t get past my stubbornness to see that Aiden really was the one for me? Those are questions that I’ll never have the answers to.
The words in her letter about Dad … loved, cherished and worshipped … those were the exact words I’d used last night to describe how Aiden made me feel. That couldn’t be a coincidence. It was as though she were here leading me to my destiny. I felt as if my heart was about to thump out of my chest. Aiden sat beside me, holding me as I cried. When the tears stopped, he pulled me into his lap.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yes. Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For meeting my mom. For giving me this letter.”
“I want to say you’re welcome but I don’t feel I should, given your reaction to the letter,” he said.
“No, it’s okay. It was a beautiful letter and the timing was perfect.” I didn’t want to run anymore. I did love him … and there was nothing I could do about it. It’s just there. I couldn’t run from it, I couldn’t ignore it. “I think I’m ready to finish our talk.”
“Okay but only if you’re sure.”
“Why did you have Raina spy on me?” I asked.
“I needed to know how you were and I needed to make sure no one else was of any interest.”
“Why not check on me yourself?” I asked.
“Because I knew you’d have questions and maybe it was my paranoia but I thought you’d get enough information to make you wonder and possibly piece it all together and I didn’t want you finding out that way.”
“As opposed to the way I did find out?”
“When Raina and I had last spoken, it was clear that she would be telling you before I arrived. I had no idea that she hadn’t had the chance to do that.”
“But you were still fine with me finding out from her and not you?”
“No. I hated that I had placed Raina in that position and she wanted to do this for you and since I was going to be there the same day, I thought, well I had hoped I would have been able to make you understand.”
