by Calinda B
“Go see your sister.”
“Come with me.”
“No! You’re a big boy, now. You go. I need time to think.”
“Fucking hell,” he yelled, throwing up his arms. “You’re impossible sometimes.”
“I’m an endless possibility for you,” she said sarcastically, batting her eyelashes through the window. “That’s what you tell me, right? Now go! Come back with better answers.”
Jace thundered away, his hands clenched by his side.
Zoé took a long, slow breath. The situation with Marni brought a lot of things home for her. While she loved Jace, she might even grow to love Marni, she intended to keep on the path she started, making a career out of landscape design and permaculture. I shouldn’t have to give up my passions to be with him. I already have to commute two hours each way to get to school. He has to make a compromise, too.
Her phone blipped, indicating a text message. Please get out. Come with me, she read.
No, she typed back.
Fucking hell. Why are you being so stubborn?
Go away!
No more texts occurred. A few minutes later, the phone rang. She pressed the connect button. “Jace! Go up and see your sister!”
“Come with me.”
“No! Now go!” This took way more courage than she thought she had. Usually, by now she’d give up.
Jace huffed in her ear and hung up the phone.
Another text came.
We can have makeup sex in the elevator.
She laughed at that one while her body began to sizzle. No! “Good thing you’re not here to see me crumble,” she muttered.
I’ll bet you’re wet.
“Damn!” Jace, go! She chuckled. The man was impossible, he drove her crazy with need, lust, and love, but this time, she was determined to not give into to him. Lines had to be drawn, now, not later when tragedy struck like her mom did with her dad. She wasn’t going to give up her life like her mom did. She wanted nothing more than to have a full, rich life with Jace Savage. But if he wouldn’t compromise, then she’d have to learn to let him go. There was only one thing wrong with that plan -- she couldn’t do that, ever.
Chapter 39
Jace stood outside the door to Jayna’s room in the sterile, whitewashed surroundings of the hospital. He leaned his forehead on the door, wondering what he would say once he walked through the doorway. Maybe she’ll be asleep. Maybe she’ll be out of it. Maybe she’ll be…
“Can I help you, sir?”
He jerked his head up to see a nurse dressed in a colorful hospital top, festooned with cartoon dogs. “No, I’m thinking is all.”
“Are you a relative of Jayna Savage?”
“Yeah. Her twin.”
The nurse’s eyes widened as she regarded him. “No, she’s…” She pursed her lips, shook her head slightly and said, “I’m sorry. I thought she was older.”
“I am. By a few minutes.”
The nurse nodded, her lips a crisp line. “She’s stable, at least.”
Jace frowned. “Uh, thanks.” He pushed open the door, stepping into the beige room. A big window opened to the Seattle skyline. Some cheap shit, framed poster hung on the wall. A ridiculous little couch sat jammed under the window like an afterthought, like someone thought it might add to the ambiance.
His once beautiful sister lay curled in a ball, an IV stuck in her hand, a shriveled, skinny, lifeless mess in the center of the crisply starched bed sheets. Machines and gizmos and medical shit stood like sentries around her. For a moment, Jace’s heart caught in his throat, wondering if she died.
Her eyelids fluttered open. “Jace,” she said in a hoarse whisper, uncurling into a skeletal version of her once gorgeous self.
“Jayna.” Jace hesitated at the door, his eyes stinging with tears.
“Come in, you big doofus,” she said, smiling weakly.
“I’m glad you’re alive,” he said, stepping tentatively across the room. He pulled a plastic seated, metal framed chair next to the bed and sat.
“Define alive,” Jayna said. “I feel like shit.” The IV dripped a steady stream of something into her veins. “I don’t suppose they let you smoke in here. I could use a cigarette.” Her sweaty face looked pale and gaunt, her stringy hair matted around her face. “Hand me a tissue. My nose won’t stop running.”
Jace grabbed the box and shoved it in her direction. He’d never seen his sis look so terrible.
She dabbed at her teary eyes and runny nose. “They’ve got me on some methadone/Subutex cocktail to help with withdrawal. It isn’t helping.” She coughed into the tissue. “Shit, big bro,” she said in the affectionate term she always used with him, as if his two minute entry into the world before hers made a difference.
He brought his fist to his mouth and rapped it unconsciously against his lips.
“Quit tripping. You’ve seen a junkie before.” She focused her green eyes on him. They appeared huge in the hollows of the sockets. “How’s Marni?”
“She’ll be fine when you resume your role as mama. She misses you.” Jace wrung his hands together, unsure of what to do or say. “I’ve done my best but I’m not very good at being a parent.” He paused, chewing on his lower lip. “Why’d you do it, J? Why’d you run?”
“I dunno. Overwhelmed with responsibilities, I guess.”
Jace’s face grew rigid. “I saw no signs of you being responsible. Who do you think found you dead on the floor?” His jaw began to tick.
“I know, I know, it was you. You always come to my rescue. You’re the hero. You’re the big dog. You’re the one everyone oohs and ahhs over.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You did this to yourself, I didn’t.” He blinked. That was the first time he’d admitted that to himself. A load of guilt rolled from his shoulders, colliding with the floor. He sat straighter in his chair.
“Yeah. I know. I only have myself to blame. Assume responsibility, blah, blah de fuck, blah.” She said it like she was repeating something at an NA meeting. “How’s Billy?”
“I messed him up pretty badly. He’s in custody, though, for all kinds of shit.”
Jayna’s face flickered with something indecipherable.
Longing? Guilt? Relief? “Are you glad about that?”
“Kind of, I guess.”
“Jesus, how can you say that? He’s a scumbag.” Jace dragged his hand through his hair, suddenly feeling ancient.
“He was my scumbag.” A sliver of a smile crossed her face.
“What do you mean? You broke up with him.” Jace frowned.
“I did. But then I didn’t. I gave him another turn.”
“What?”
“You know how it is in our town, we never break up for long -- we just take turns.” She gave out a weak laugh.
“Not in my case,” Jace said, thinking of Kate.
“He needed me.”
“For what?” Jace sneered at her.
“He pissed off his main dealer. Dealer wanted to kill him. Me and that dealer liked to fuck. Billy had to be nice to me to get the dealer off his back. I let Billy fuck me, too. He bought me drugs.” She shrugged again.
Who are you? Jace thought, his face crumpling with disgust. This wasn’t the girl he’d grown up with.
“Billy was in the big leagues. Did you know that? He supplied the whole Pacific Northwest.”
“I didn’t know that. All I knew was he was a dickhead loser who used people.”
“Yeah.” Her spidery veined, paper thin eyelids fell shut.
“Don’t check out on me, J, we’re not done here.”
She blinked, opening her eyes. Her head pivoted to look out the window. She snuck furtive glances at Jace out of the corner of her eye, looking worried. “I’m going to tell you something but you have to promise not to be mad at me.”
“What is this? True confessions like you’re on your deathbed?” His eyelids fluttered rapidly. He hoped it wasn’t true.
“No, stupid, nothing like
that. When that fucker locked me up in his Lopez lair, I was pissed. I couldn’t escape. That’s why I whined about getting Marni back. I knew he’d bring her to me. I hoped it would be a clue for you so you could find me. Now I want to get back at him. I want the truth to come out. Promise me.”
A clue? She had her child kidnapped as a clue? Jace tensed. “I can’t promise that. I don’t know what you’re going to tell me.”
“Promise me, brother, or I won’t tell you.”
Jace put his lip between his teeth and bit down. “I can’t promise I won’t be mad, only that I won’t hurt you - you know that.”
Jayna swallowed, with effort. “I need some water.”
Jace sighed, stood, poured water from the stainless steel pitcher into a Dixie cup and handed it to her.
She drank it gratefully, handing him back the tiny cup.
He crushed it and tossed it into the bin next to the bed. “I’m waiting.”
“Remember that big drug bust that went down with you and Kate?”
Jace inhaled sharply. “Yeah. What about it?”
“That was Billy and Kate’s doing. Billy was the king pin, Kate was his helper. Billy wanted to set you up.”
“What?” He wanted to slam his fist through the wall.
“Yeah. They were in it together.”
“I thought Kate only bought from the dealer who got arrested. She gave up the supplier, right?”
“No, she didn’t. She gave up someone else. She wasn’t giving up Billy. He used his wealth to shield himself - that and his relationship with Kate. She and Billy were in deep, Jace, you had to know that. They had sex all the time behind your back.”
Jace’s lungs began heaving. Blood pounded through his temples like his veins were a hydraulic system. “I’ve got to get out of here. I don’t know you. I don’t know any of you. This is all a big, fucking nightmare of betrayal.” He exploded from his chair, completely homicidal with rage. He turned to bolt.
“I’m giving her up, you know.”
“You’re what?” Jace whirled around.
“Marni. I don’t want to raise a kid, especially Billy’s kid.”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jayna, she’s a child,” he said, repeating the sentiment Zoé said to him earlier.
Jayna began coughing. Her frail body doubled over in the bed. When she caught her breath, she wheezed, “Billy got me the adoption papers. I’ve already filled them out.”
“Fucking hell! Don’t you want to go to rehab? Clean up your act and live a normal life?”
She shrugged again in that same, laissez-faire manner she’d done since he arrived. “Even if I go to rehab, I don’t want a reminder of Billy.”
“This is so fucked up, Jayna. You don’t know what you’re saying!”
“It’s the one thing I do know, Jace. I’ve thought about it a lot. I should’ve never had her.”
“But you did have her. She’s a sweet little girl! You can’t do this!”
“I can and I will. You’re not the only person on the planet who gets your way.”
Blinded by rage and incomprehension, he fled from the room, nearly knocking over the nurse with the cartoon smock. He raced for the elevator, pounding on the button with his fist.
“Pounding never makes it come any faster,” a soft voice said.
“What?” He whipped his head around. “You!”
“Me,” the nun who spoke to him on the ferry a seeming lifetime ago said. “Having another tough day?”
“Are you some apparition? Like a figment of my imagination?”
She pinched her black cotton swathed arm. “Don’t think so. Want to pinch me and see for yourself?”
“No, I…”
“God is with you, son.”
“Stop with the bullshit, sister -- no offense, but I told you I don’t believe.”
“That’s okay. I do.”
“And your prayers for my sister didn’t work. She’s down the hall, barely alive, about to give up her little girl for adoption.”
The elderly nun nodded. “Doesn’t mean they haven’t been answered.” She winked at him.
The doors to the elevator opened and Jace stared at her before getting in. “What are you saying?”
“You’ll figure it out.” She patted his shoulder and shuffled away.
Jace let the elevator envelop him. No matter what the kind sister did, he still didn’t believe in God. He thought about what she said, though, about how it didn’t mean her prayers weren’t answered. He mused about what she said on the ferry - something about letting go of someone or something? Someone in the way? “Holy fucking hell.” He bashed his fist against the elevator wall, glad no-one else got in with him.
He thought about his woman, Zoé, sitting in the truck with the door locked, protecting herself from him. He pictured Marni, screaming outside as he pummeled Billy’s body. His determination kicked in, filling his entire body with purpose. He knew what he had to do. The person he needed to heal was not Zoé, not even Marni. He had to heal things with himself. He’d been in the way the entire time. It was time to set things right and listen, for a change.
When the elevator doors opened on the ground floor, he barreled out heading straight for the truck.
Zoé sat inside, windows shut tight.
He strode up to the passenger door and yelled through the window, “Unlock the door, Zoé.”
“Door’s open, stud. Get in on your side.”
His eyes widened, his mouth dropped open, and he closed it, all in a split second. He charged around to the driver’s side. Once inside, he said, “Baby. I’ve made a decision.”
“Me, too.”
He cocked his head, briefly wondering. “What is it? You first.”
She looked at him, all serious, making his stomach tight.
“No, you go first.” She bit her lip.
“You don’t have to go along with it. I mean, I want you to, but you don’t have to. I’m still going to do it.”
“I’m listening.”
“I’m adopting Marni.”
She blinked. “Shit.”
“Shit, what? This is good news, baby. I’m the one stepping up to the plate. Me. Finally.” His heart galloped in his chest. Her expression was not the one he’d hoped for.
“I was…I sat here…shit,” she said again, turning to stare out the window.
“Tell me. Tell me now, baby.” His fucking eyes were tearing as he waited.
She turned to face him. “I’ve lived with the dream of moving to Costa Rica for years…since before Denis died. I gave the dream up when he died and thought it was gone. I can…I can see you and me moving to another country, but you, me and a baby? A baby who’s not mine?” Tears began to streak her face. “Oh, Jace! Honey, I know this decision is important to you. It’s the right decision. I just don’t think I can give up my dreams and be a mom right now. You’re…you’re a bad ass, Jace. You’re strong, and willful. You make me wet with passion. You overpower me. I forget myself when I’m around you. All I see is you.” The tears poured, now, a river of grief streaming down her beautiful cheeks. “But I’m not going to be like my mom. She never stood up for herself with my father -- who’s a lot like you, I have to say. She had to leave him to pursue her dreams. It looks like that’s going to be the same outcome for us. I’m sorry, Jace. I’m so, so sorry.” Her hand shook as she reached for the door handle. “I…I need to get out. Clear my head. Walk. Maybe it’s a…maybe it’s a good thing we didn’t move all of my stuff to your house.” She opened the door and stepped out, walking away without another word.
For the first time in a long, long time, maybe since he was a little kid, Jace didn’t rage. He didn’t slam his fist into the window or destroy the dashboard or any of his normal responses. He placed his forehead on the leather covered steering wheel and sobbed.
Chapter 40
It must’ve been an hour or more until Zoé returned. Jace kind of lost track of the time. He cried like a fucking infant, then fiddled
with the radio, playing some shit on some station, pulled out the handbook called Your Ford F-150 and skimmed it, fiddled some more with the radio. At least the waterworks had stopped. Only numbness remained.
He caught sight of her walking purposefully across the street, her long, pretty hair billowing in the breeze, her beautiful, all the way to Sunday long legs, her beautiful…fuck. I thought she was the one. She carried a take-out cup from the burger joint on the corner.
She got in the truck, sliding close.
“What are you doing? Want me to give you one last fuck? That seems to be the only thing women want from me. I’ll be happy to accommodate you.”
She rolled her eyes and slid away. “I was going to say something nice but I think I’ve changed my mind. You can be such an asshole, Jace.”
“I’m sorry. I’ve gotten used to being dumped I guess.” He gave her a lifeless stare.
“Well, this time you’re not being dumped.”
He frowned. “Drop kicked to the curb like a piece of trash?” He crossed his arms over his chest.
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jace, would you stop it and let me tell you something nice? You’re being a big baby right now.”
“I’m sorry.” He bit his lip. “Go ahead and speak. I’ll listen.”
“The weirdest thing happened to me.” She sipped her soda. “Want some by the way?” She tipped the straw in his direction.
“Not thirsty, thanks.”
“So I walked around the back of the hospital so I could hopefully cry in private. I was pretty upset when I left here. And I’m sitting there sobbing, thinking it’s over, and this nun walked out of the hospital. I can’t remember the last time I saw a nun, can you?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jace said. “I can, actually. Go on.”
“She walked up to me and she was all soothing and nun-like and she asked if I wanted to share what was going on, blah, blah, blah. I told her not really, I’d just split up with my boyfriend, I loved him more than anything but I didn’t think we could work things out because he decided to adopt his sister’s baby and I didn’t want to give up my career. Like that.”
Jace’s breath stopped as he listened.
“She listened…she just listened. All she said was ‘I hope you find a way to work things out.’ ‘The Lord works in mysterious ways,’ she said. I’m not a believer or anything, I haven’t gone to church since I was a little kid. I’m more of a Buddhist in my philosophy to life. Scared rabbit Buddhism,” she said with a wink. “Also known as ‘kick and scream and resist everything until you’re ready to listen to the truth.’”
