by W. S. Greer
“You sure you don’t want a ride back?” Lexy asks as she slips her key into her door.
“No, I’m fine. We’re going two different directions.”
“Who gives a shit? You know I don’t mind taking you.”
“I know, but it’s fine. I kind of want to take my time getting there anyway. His meeting is over by now, and I’m not really sure what to say when I see him, so I’m gonna wait a few minutes before I call a cab. I just need to think.”
“Alright, Lil. Look, if you need me for absolutely anything, you call me. Got it?”
“Of course. Thanks, Lex. I’ll talk to you later.” I lean in and give my best friend a big hug, then I turn around and walk back towards the entrance of the restaurant where there’s a bench for the nights that there’s a waiting list to get a seat. Just as my butt hits the seat, I see Lexy waving to me as she drives away.
I relax on the uncomfortable bench and close my eyes for a second. I take a deep breath and breathe in the smell of the night air mixed with the aroma of the food cooking inside. It’s six o’clock in the evening and I know that Kelvin is out of his meeting now, and probably at the penthouse waiting for me to show up. I pull out my phone and see that he hasn’t called or texted yet. Something really is up with him, because he never goes this long without contacting me one way or another. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to fix our problem. I know that there’s a possibility that he’s stressed and he might need his space until he has it all figured out. On the other hand, however, Ilia said there was a problem about the delivery, and Kelvin helped to solve the problem. But, Kelvin lied to me and told me that he had to go over things about the hotel with his uncle. Something’s off somewhere, and I know I won’t be able to relax until I figure out what it is. I don’t want to snoop and be nosy, but I want to help him, especially when the problem seems to affect him so much. However, until I get the chance to figure it out, I’ll do my best to be supportive of him. I have to have his back, even when he’s doing shit that’s getting on my nerves. I have to do it because we’re partners, and because I love him. So, I’ll do whatever he needs me to do, even if it’s not what I actually want to do.
With my decision finally made, I dial the number to the taxi, and wait for my ride to arrive.
I get home at a little after seven, and I’m surprised to find that Kelvin actually isn’t here. The house is still exactly the same way it was when I left it a few hours ago. I go through every room in the house looking for signs that Kelvin may have come home, but there aren’t any. My initial reaction is anger, but that quickly subsides and I suddenly feel a little bit of panic and a whole lot of worry.
After searching everywhere, I pull my cell phone out of my purse and scroll through the contacts to Kelvin’s name. Usually, I’d send him a text, but this isn’t a normal situation so I press the button to call him. I wait for the phone to start ringing, but it never does.
Yo, you’ve reached Kelvin. I’m busy at the moment, but leave me a quick message and I’ll be sure to get back to you as soon as I can. Thanks. *beep*
Even after the signal to leave my message, I unintentionally wait for about three seconds before I actually start talking. I feel my heart pounding in my chest as the words come tumbling out of my mouth.
“Kelvin, baby, it’s me. I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I haven’t heard from you all day, and I just came up to the house and you’re not here. I’m really worried, so please call me back as soon as possible. I just need to know that you’re okay. Please call me. I love you. I’m so sorry about everything that happened this morning. I didn’t mean to pressure you, I just love you so much. Please call me, baby. I hope to hear from you soon. I love you.”
As soon as I finish talking, I hear the phone beep before I even have time to press End, like I used up all of the time leaving the message.
I throw my phone down on the couch, and plop down on the cushion next to it. “What the hell is going on today?” I ask myself aloud. I glance down at my phone as if I might be missing Kelvin’s call if I don’t look at it every five seconds, even though my ringer is turned all the way up.
Two agonizing hours later, my phone still hasn’t made a sound, and I’m still sitting on the couch in the living room. I’ve called Kelvin’s phone four times, left him two more messages, and sent him three text messages that never went through, and I still haven’t heard back from him. The makeup on my face is completely ruined and smeared from the crying I’ve been doing, and I feel like my emotions have been dumped inside of a blender and grinded all up. I can barely tell if I’m sad, terrified, or completely outraged anymore.
I look down at my phone one more time and see that it’s now past nine o’clock at night. I haven’t heard from Kelvin since a little before noon. I remember how I felt when I woke up this morning and saw him coming out of the bathroom with that towel wrapped around his waist. I was so happy to see him, because when I went to bed last night, he wasn’t even home yet, and I was worried as hell about what was going on with that mysterious uncle of his. I was overjoyed just by the sight of him. Now, here I am almost ten hours later and all the joy is gone, and it’s been replaced by sorrow and regret. All of a sudden I regret everything that I did this morning. Everything that I said to him, I wish I could take it back. He was stressed out and obviously annoyed, and I just wouldn’t let it go. I just couldn’t let him deal with his emotions all on his own, and it pissed him off and drove him away. For all I knew at the time, all he wanted to do was think about whatever was bothering him for a while so that he could work it out in his head first, and then he’d talk to me about it later, once he was ready. I was too pushy, and I’m so sorry.
I feel another tear come strolling down my face as I lean over on the couch and bury my face in the pillow. I feel the material dampening from my tears as I begin to sob like somebody important just passed away. I hear a little voice in the back of my head telling me that I’m going overboard by crying like this, but I just can’t shake the way I feel. I can’t escape the questions that keep swirling around in my head about Kelvin’s safety. Is he being held somewhere against his will? Is this the work of his asshole father? Are the Russians hurting him? What if the deal between the Carters and the Baskovs fell through and they’re at war again? There’s just so many questions and so many different dangers for him out there, and I just couldn’t live with myself if something happened to him, but it’d be so much worse if something happened to him after we had an argument that I caused. What if something happened to him while I was sitting at that restaurant being mad at him? I just couldn’t take it, and that’s why the pillow is now soaked with my tears.
Another half an hour goes by, and my eyes are all dried out from crying. I’ve had all that I can take, and I have no idea when Kelvin is coming back, or if he ever will. So, I force myself to get up from the couch and start turning off the lights in the living room. I flip the switch for the kitchen and begin to meander down the hallway towards the bedroom. Just as I pass the elevator doors, I hear the familiar ding, and my heart catapults itself into high gear. I spin around and wait for the doors to open, and it feels like they take a full ten minutes to finally slide apart, but when they do, I’m hit with a fresh batch of mixed emotions.
Kelvin slowly steps out of the elevator with his head down and a sad, disconnected look on his face. He’s still wearing the same clothes he had on this morning, but he smells exactly like what you’d expect the inside of a bar to smell like. When he comes in, he looks up at me for a second, but he doesn’t keep eye contact with me for too long, and begins walking towards the bedroom. His arm grazes mine as he walks past me, but he doesn’t say anything, and suddenly, I know exactly which emotion it is that I’m feeling.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snap. It hits me that I just screamed at the top of my lungs, but I quickly realize that I don’t care. “You’re really just gonna walk right past me without saying anything? I’ve been calling you all fuc
king night. Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
Kelvin walks to the front of the bed and slowly sits down on the edge. He closes his eyes for a second, steadying himself, then he looks up at me.
“My phone was off. I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? You’re fucking sorry? I haven’t seen you since before noon, and not only do you not call or text me, but you turn your phone off so that I can’t call or text you. What the hell is the matter with you today? Where the fuck were you?”
“Downstairs. In the casino with Phillip and Trey.”
Suddenly, I feel an overwhelming heat in my body. I feel like I have a tiny volcano in my stomach that’s erupting within me, and it’s about to spew its molten hot liquid all over everything in its path. I’m absolutely livid.
“Are you fucking serious? You’ve been in the building the whole time, and you didn’t bother to let me know that? I was up here in our house, crying my eyes out, worrying myself to death about you, and you were downstairs with your fucking friends gambling and drinking in the casino that you’re trying to get from your dad! Goddamn it, Kelvin! You can’t do that shit to me. What the fuck?”
Somehow, Kelvin is managing to act like I’m the one being ridiculous. He looks up at me like he’s fed up with the fact that I’m upset. “What do you want me to say? I had a bad night last night, and it kind of ruined my day today. I just needed a break from everything, okay? I told you earlier that this shit isn’t about you. I’ve got shit on my mind. Shit that you can’t understand. Shit that you shouldn’t have to understand.”
My anger eases a little, but I make sure to not let go of too much of it out of pity for him. “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do, Kelvin? How am I supposed to understand anything when you won’t even give me a chance to understand? You won’t let me, so of course I don’t. You’ve given me no choice in the matter.”
Kelvin puts his head down and I can tell that he knows that I’m right. He has to know that he’s being a jackass, but just in case he hasn’t grasped it fully yet, I continue my barrage.
“Either way, regardless of how you’re feeling or how much shit you’re supposedly dealing with, you can’t take it out on me like this. You can’t storm out of the house and not call or text me all day, and then turn off your phone like you don’t know that I’ll be worried. You know how much I love you, and you know I couldn’t handle it if something happened to you. You just can’t do that. Do you not understand that?”
“I know,” he responds quickly, looking down at the floor in shame. “I’m sorry. You’re right. I can’t take it out on you. That’s not fair to you, and I know that you only want to be there for me. I know, and I’m sorry.”
I let out a sigh and slowly step over to the bed. I sit on the edge next to Kelvin, but I make sure not to touch him. He hasn’t earned that yet.
“Look, it doesn’t do you any good to try to act like nothing happened when you left with your uncle. Obviously, something happened that’s bothering you. I’m not even surprised, because I know how things work with your family. So, I’m here for you, babe. I really am. I’m doing the best I can, but I really think this would be a lot easier if you’d just meet me half way. Please, Kelvin. Please just tell me what’s bothering you. I’m begging you, baby. I’m begging because I don’t want to see us go through any more of the kind of shit we went through today. I don’t want to see us struggling. I love you too much for that. So, I’m begging you, Kelvin. Please tell me what’s wrong.”
He looks down at the floor for far too long, his eyes blinking unbelievably slow. Then, after the longest pause you could imagine, he lifts his head and turns to me. I look in his eyes and see nothing but pain in them. Something has happened to him since the moment he left me standing in the lobby downstairs, watching him stroll out the door and climb into his uncle’s car. Something in him seems so different. So hurt.
Then, I hear him take a breath and I feel myself holding mine, waiting for his response.
“I love you, Lilliana,” he says so quietly that it’s almost a whisper. “But, I can’t tell you anything.”
I feel that heat beginning to rise up inside of me again, but this time, I don’t let it out. Instead, I clinch my lips together, take a deep breath, and silently get up and walk out of the room. I don’t hear him say anything as I reach the threshold, so I don’t slow my pace at all. I just walk out and leave him in the room alone.
I stride into the living room—not even bothering to turn on any lights—and sit back down on the couch that I’d spent the entire evening crying on. I grab the same pillow I was using before, and use it to cover my face as I lay on my back and begin to sob uncontrollably. I feel my eyes stinging as the tears try to escape but are trapped by the soft pillow.
Why is this happening? What the hell did we do to deserve this? How does it all seem to be falling apart after everything we’ve been through—all the obstacles we’ve overcome? Why?
The questions consume me until I can no longer cry, and I just lay there. I turn and lay on my side, but I leave the pillow covering my face, just in case Kelvin walks in. I don’t even want to look at him right now. I just lay there, hoping that it’ll all just melt away, and that maybe when I get up everything will be back to normal. Maybe it’ll just be a bad dream, and the Kelvin that I’ve grown to know and fell madly in love with will have re-emerged just as sexy and perfect as he always was. Maybe it’ll all be over. Like it never happened.
The room is still completely dark when I wake up. It takes me a second to realize that I must’ve fallen asleep on the couch, and that I’m still in the living room.
I pull the pillow off my face and struggle to sit up, but once I’m up, I glance down the hall and see that the light in the bedroom is still on. Maybe Kelvin’s still awake. I lift myself off the couch and begin to walk towards the room, glancing at the clock on the oven as I pass the kitchen—it’s just after midnight.
When I walk up to the threshold, I see Kelvin laying down on his side of the bed, still fully clothed, and obviously asleep. Usually, I would want to get in the bed and pull myself right up next to him. I’d want to get as close to him as I possibly could. I’d want to kiss him and tell him that I love him, even if he wasn’t awake to hear me. Usually, I’d be happy. But, the things that we’ve been through today haven’t been normal. So, as I pull off my clothes and climb into the bed, I once again fantasize about what tomorrow will be like. How will Kelvin act once the alcohol has left his system and he’s had a full day to think about everything? Will he be back to the normal Kelvin, or will he still be this alternate, shitty version of Kelvin? As I reach up to turn off the lamp on my nightstand, I hold on to the hope that tomorrow will be better.
The second the light on the lamp switches off, I hear Kelvin’s phone ringing and vibrating on his nightstand. It’s loud as hell, playing some song I’ve never heard before. I try to get up quickly to look at the name on the display, but before I can see anything, Kelvin pops up and grabs the phone. He holds it close to his body, staring at the name that I wasn’t able to see, then he exhales and I know it can’t be anything good.
“Who the hell is that?” I ask, but instead of answering me, Kelvin answers the call.
“What’s going on?” he says as he puts the phone to his ear. I hear the sound of a deep voice coming from the other end, and I’m shocked that I actually feel a sense of relief that it’s not a woman. I try to watch Kelvin as much as I can in the dark, but I can’t really make out his facial expressions as he listens to the voice of his caller. I hear him exhale once again, and bring his hand up to rub his temples.
“This is happening right now?” he asks. I can tell he’s trying to hide his anger. “Okay. I got it. I’ll be there.” He hangs up, and gets out of the bed in a hurry.
I watch in bewilderment as he walks over to the closet and reaches down to pick up a pair of shoes.
“Umm, who the hell was that?” I inquire with an obvious attitude.
“Uncle Clarence,” he answers as he sits on the front edge of the bed to put on his shoes.
“Okay, and what could Clarence possibly want at this hour?” It’s past mid-night already.”
“I have to go.”
“What? What the hell is going on that you have to leave in the middle of the night?”
Kelvin doesn’t answer me and I feel all of my frustration starting to find its way back to me.
“Kelvin!” I snap as I sit up. “What the hell is going on? This is crazy. You can’t leave in the middle of the night? You’re actually gonna just leave me here alone?”
Kelvin stands up and turns to look at me. “If I’m gonna have any chance of pulling this off, I need you to trust me.”
“What are you talking about? Pull what off?”
“I’m sorry for all of this, baby. I really, truly am. But, I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing. I promise you, I got you, but you’re gonna have to trust me.” Then, Kelvin turns on his heel and walks out the room.
“What the fuck? What are you talking about, Kelvin?” I yell as I hear him press the button on the elevator, and the loud ding of its arrival. “Kelvin! Pull what off? At least tell me where you’re going. Kelvin, please! Kelvin! Kel…” I bellow, but I’m cut off by the sound of the elevator door closing.
Fuck! I can’t stand having to keep secrets from Lilliana like this. Every time she asks me a question, I feel like there’s a tiny man in my chest, kicking the shit out of my heart while wearing steel toed boots. I hate it much more than I can show her right now, but I know I have to stay focused. I know this is what needs to be done, and I know that this is for the best—for us, I just hope that once it’s all over that she’ll be able to understand that I had to be a dick in order to pull it off. It’ll be worth it. I know it’ll all be worth it in the end. It has to be, or I’ll lose everything.
