by W. S. Greer
I let Kelvin walk past me and begin pouring coffee grounds into the coffee maker, while I go over and sit in the barstool next to the one he just vacated. As I watch him prepping the coffee and waiting for it to finish, I gather my thoughts. I want to make sure that I say everything that needs to be said. I can’t let my emotions get to me and then end up forgetting to say what’s important. Once I’ve got it all figured out, I take a deep breath and speak up.
“Let’s talk, Kelvin,” I say as calmly as I can.
I hear him take a deep breath like he was just waiting for me to get started, yet he’s still disappointed by it. I couldn’t care less.
“Okay. Let’s talk,” he replies, pouring his coffee into his Bears tumbler.
“Okay. You already know what I’m gonna say, and what I’m gonna ask. So, let’s not beat around the bush, okay.”
“I do know what you’re gonna ask, but I’m just hoping you won’t ask.”
“Of course I’m gonna ask. You left me in the middle of the night, all alone, with no clue as to what the hell was going on. Then you come home while I’m asleep, and you don’t even get back in the bed with me. You sleep on the couch. Even after I was pissed off at you yesterday, and came to the couch, I still went back into the room and got in the bed with you. We shouldn’t sleep separate, and we shouldn’t go to bed mad at each other. Why didn’t you come to bed with me when you knew I was worried about you?”
Kelvin sips his coffee like it’s liquor and he’s hoping for a quick buzz. “I just didn’t want to wake you, babe. That’s all.”
“Babe? Why did you call me that?”
“What? Why did I call you babe?”
“Yeah. Why are you calling me your babe? You haven’t been treating me like I’m your babe. You’ve been treating me like I’m some random chick that you don’t love enough to tell the truth to. You’ve done nothing but keep me in the dark. Leaving in the middle of the night. Not answering my questions. Ignoring me while I call out for you. I just didn’t think you would do that to your babe.”
I hear him exhale, and I can see it in his face that he’s exasperated. He looks so worn out and stressed. It’s almost ironic that he’s been acting like such a different person, because he’s starting to look like a different person. His eyes have bags underneath them, and his shoulders have an uncharacteristically unconfident slouch to them. He looks like he’s just had it with life itself.
“Listen, I know this has been hard on you,” he begins. “I know it seems like I haven’t been fair to you, and I know it doesn’t make a lot of sense. I’m really, very sorry for that. I don’t mean to make you upset or to hurt you. I hope you still believe that’s true. It’s just that I have so much going on right now. I’m having to deal with some shit that I’ve never had to deal with before. I’ve never felt like this before. I’ve seen things that I shouldn’t have had to see, and I’m just doing my best to deal with it, while also trying to focus on the important things that you and I are working for. I’m trying to stay focused on the casino, but I also have to protect us now. Shit is going on that makes it to where I have to protect us. I have to protect you. It’s that serious again, and that’s all that I can really tell you.”
“So you’re not gonna tell me where you went last night?”
“I can’t, Lilliana. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t want your fucking sorry, Kelvin. I want the man that I fell in love with!”
“I am the man you fell in love with. I’m just struggling right now, and I need you to stand by my side.”
“What do you think I’ve been trying to do? I’ve been by your side for over a year. We’ve been partners this whole time. It’s you who’s changing the rules. It’s you who’s not standing by my side. You’re doing things on your own and leaving me behind.”
“I’m not leaving you behind me, Lilliana. You just have to trust me.”
“No!” I yell, startling both of us. I stand up and slam my coffee mug down, splashing the brown liquid on the counter. “You can’t leave me in the middle of the fucking night and then ask me to trust you. You left me here all night, and wouldn’t answer me when I asked you where you were going. I won’t trust that, because that’s some suspicious shit! That’s something anybody would be suspicious of. So, there it is. I’m not gonna trust that shit. I don’t trust it because it’s untrustworthy.”
“So, you’re saying you don’t trust me?”
“Not right now, I don’t. No.”
We stand there, staring at each other for a while without saying anything. It feels like we’re not even breathing, like there’s no other movement in the whole world as we lock eyes. I can see the pain in his eyes, and I know he can see the hurt in mine. Both of us have changed so much over the past couple of days. Everything’s different now, and for the first time, I’m uncertain about our future.
“I don’t need this right now,” Kelvin says, finally breaking the silence and breaking our eye contact. “You have no idea how much pressure I’m under. You don’t understand at all, and that really hurts.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t know the pressure you’re under, and I don’t understand because you won’t tell me anything! You can’t have it both ways, Kelvin. You can’t hide everything from me, and then get mad at me for not knowing what’s going on with you. You can’t do that.”
He doesn’t respond, and all it does is fire me up even more. His silence just pisses me off and I feel offended by everything he’s not doing, and everything he’s not saying. I’m officially boiling over.
“You’re gonna ruin us,” I continue in a furry. “You’re gonna destroy everything that we’ve done together, and how far we’ve come over the past year. You’re gonna ruin everything if you keep acting this way. You say you don’t need this right now? Well, I can’t do this, Kelvin. I can’t live with you if you’re gonna hide and lie to me like this. I’m trying to be understanding of how stressed you are, having to work with your father, but you’re only making matters worse by lying to me. You’re making it worse by hiding and keeping secrets. You’re pushing me away, and you’re gonna destroy everything if you don’t stop. Is that what you want?”
The look on his face almost breaks my heart completely. He looks so empty, and I can tell he’s deep in thought, trying to come up with something to say. He’s having a hard time, but I’m already over the edge, and there’s no going back now.
“Are you not gonna answer me?” I bellow. “Do you even still want to be with me, Kelvin? Do you even love me anymore?”
He still doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t even look up at me.
“What the hell is wrong with you? You’re gonna give me the silent treatment now? What, are we in kindergarten? This is unbelievable. I don’t even know who you are right now. Kelvin, look at me. Answer…”
Suddenly, Kelvin puts down his coffee tumbler and starts speed walking towards the elevator. I’m stunned into silence as he presses the button and the doors open immediately. He steps in and I can hear him pounding his hand on the button to close the doors. He’s hitting the buttons so hard that I’m sure he’ll break them. I think that I should call out to him, but before I can even get a word out, the doors close and he’s gone.
Just like that, he’s gone again.
I’m not really sure what I’m doing anymore. The only thing I’m sure of right now is the fact that I feel completely lost. There’s too much going on all at once for me to keep it together. I’ve got my father and his usual bullshit on one side¸ and then there’s Lilliana on the other side, constantly pissed off at me. I don’t know how to make her understand that I’m just going through something that I can’t explain. I just need to get my head right, and she’s only making it harder by insisting that I tell her absolutely everything. All I’m trying to do is keep her out of danger, and my mind is so bogged down that I’m not really sure how to explain that to her in a way that she’ll accept. I’m just lost, and I need help. I need someone who understands, and that’
s why I’m here. I need advice, and this is the only place I know that I can get it. I just hope that he’s available to see me.
“I’m here to see inmate Mikey… I’m sorry, Michael Carter, please.” The blonde officer behind the desk at the Metropolitan Correctional Center looks at me like she’s pissed that I’m interrupting her eating her Doritos. Nonetheless, she hands me a clipboard with a visitor’s log and sign in sheet attached to it. I smile at her and say “Thank you,” but she doesn’t even look up at me or acknowledge my attempt at being polite.
I quickly fill out the paperwork and hand it back to the rude woman behind the counter, who takes it without saying anything. After a few minutes of waiting, I’m escorted through a metal detector and security check by an extra-large correctional officer, who pats me down much rougher than he needs to. Then, he leads me into the room that I’ve hated seeing since the last time I visited Uncle Mikey in this place, a day or two after he got arrested. This room reminds me of how separate we are by dividing us with glass windows, and making us have to talk to each other through a phone, even though we’re only inches apart.
I take my seat in the little booth that I’m told to and wait for Uncle Mikey to arrive. While I wait, I think of Lilliana. The look that was on her face haunts my memory. She was so perturbed and annoyed by everything I was doing, even when I wasn’t doing anything at all. I’ve never seen her like that and I never want to see her so upset ever again. Nothing hurts more than knowing that I’m the reason that she was so upset. I was the one who caused her so much pain, and that hurts me deep down inside. I’m not even sure where I’m supposed to start when it comes to making it up to her. I guess that’s why I’m here.
Since I moved into the city to be with Fab, there’s hasn’t been a person who’s been more of a father figure than Uncle Mikey. When my own father was busy being the insensitive, arrogant, power hungry asshole that he is, I turned to Uncle Mikey for guidance and advice. He was the one who told me how to survive in this game, and he didn’t deserve what happened to him.
I know that it must be the hardest thing in the world for him to be locked away in this prison when he knows that he didn’t do anything wrong. To know that it was his brother that set him up and planted drugs on his property must be the most irritating part of it all. It irritates the shit out of me, because I found out that my father was willing to set me up in the same way. He planted those keys of dope in my penthouse with plans to get rid of me if I didn’t do whatever he wanted. The ultimate manipulator manipulated his own brother, and planned to do it to his own son as well. Uncle Mikey was the one who got caught up, but I was supposed to suffer the same fate, and that bonds us now more than ever.
When I see him being escorted into the room wearing his orange jump suit, I’m both ecstatic and disgusted. I’m so happy to see him again, but I absolutely hate seeing him this way. The handcuffs around his wrists look tight, and I see him struggling to take steps because of the shackles around his ankles. Regardless, when he sits down and reaches for the phone, I can’t help but smile at him. Things have been so much harder without him around, and I’m man enough to admit that I miss him dearly.
“You look good, Junior,” Uncle Mikey says as I place the phone against my ear, grinning and holding back tears.
“Wish I could say the same for you, Unc. I hate seeing you in here like this.”
“I know. I wish I was out there with you, too. But, I’m here, so let’s just accept that. It is what it is.”
“I understand,” I acknowledge, pushing back my anger being caused by the knowledge of how Uncle Mikey got here. “So, how have you been, Unc?”
Uncle Mikey smiles at me, but it’s more of a that’s a dumb ass question kind of smile. “I’m doing okay, Junior, considering where I am and why I’m here. I’m alright, don’t worry. How are you?”
I feel the remnants of my smile melt away. “Not good,” I admit. “Things are different with you. Not better.”
“I knew it’d be different.”
“Yeah. Things seem to be getting a little out of control. I’m having a hard time.”
Uncle Mikey slowly looks around to make sure no one close is listening to him. “Be sure to remember where we are, okay? You understand what I’m saying?”
It doesn’t take long for me to realize that he’s talking about the fact that we’re in a prison, where all the conversations can be—and probably are—monitored. I have to be careful with everything that I say. “I understand.”
“Okay. So, how’s the rest of The Family doing?”
“They’re all okay. Everybody’s doing well, I guess. They’re all doing a good job saving money now with the new partnership. All the businesses are doing really well.”
“Good. So, why are you having a hard time then?”
I take a second to think of a snitch-proof way to say everything. “Because I’m still my father’s son, and you know how Dad can get.”
“I do,” Uncle Mikey says with raised eyebrows.
“Yeah well, you know how he can get, now imagine him worse. He’s hungrier now than ever before, and I’m working for him.”
Uncle Mikey’s eyes seem to darken and he shifts in his seat. “Why are you working for him?”
“Because I have to.”
“Bullshit. I told you what to do before I got locked in here. Why didn’t you listen to me?”
“I tried to listen to you, but the circumstances changed pretty quickly, like I told you the last time I was here. I don’t really have much of a choice, Unc. I’m trying to earn the casino, and I’m having to jump through a lot of hoops in order to do that. It’s all been a lot to take on.”
“I bet it has. You should’ve found a way out, Junior. You let him trap you. So, I guess we both got fucked.”
There’s a brief moment of silence as his words swirl around us, reminding us of who it is we’re dealing with and how poorly we’ve defended ourselves against him. Getting past the Russians wasn’t enough. It was nothing, actually, because the enemy was the person who was supposed to be on our side, and he’s still the enemy. And I’m still doing a terrible job of playing defense against him.
Uncle Mikey lets out a disappointed sigh, and then says “Alright, moving on. So, how’s your lady?” I try not to make it too obvious, but he apparently can see the pain in my face. “Oh come one, Junior. You didn’t fuck it up, did you?”
I let my body slide down in my seat. “I don’t know.”
Uncle Mikey rolls his eyes and let’s his head fall backwards in disgust. “Geez. Haven’t I taught you anything? What happened?”
“With everything that’s been going on with the new business, and working for Dad having its own issues, I haven’t been very open with Lilliana. Obviously, she doesn’t like that very much.”
“Have you been lying to her?”
“Yeah, but only to protect her, Unc. That’s all it’s about is keeping her safe.”
“A little word of advice, Junior, women don’t like being lied to any more than men do. They also don’t like it when you tell them that you’re lying to them to protect them. Women don’t want to be protected that way. They want you to physically protect them, not shield them with your blanket of lies. No wonder you’re sitting in here with your shoulders all slouched, looking all pitiful like someone just kicked your kitten. You’ve been going through shit working for your dad, and you’re making matters worse by lying to your lady.”
“Ugh. You sound like her now.”
“Well, great minds think alike, I guess. I told you when you first started falling for Lily, that you had to be honest with her. I told you that the only real way to protect her, is to tell her everything. She can’t be a part of your life if you’re trying to act like your life doesn’t exist. The rules haven’t changed just because some time has gone by and the two of you have been through some shit. It’s still the same. She’s still supposed to be your partner, and you’re still supposed to be her man. In this lifestyle, your
woman has to be your partner, and she has to be aware of everything. Then, if she can’t handle it, you can get rid of her. But, that’s not the type of woman Lily is. She’s ride or die for you, Junior, just like your Aunt Lauren is ride or die for me. Trust me when I tell you, when you get a woman like that, you do everything in your power to keep her by your side, because there aren’t many women like that anymore. So, from where I’m sitting, it looks like you need to get your shit together before you mess up the most important thing in your life.”
His words hit me like a punch to the chest. I know that he’s right, and I kick myself because I knew all of this before I came here to visit him. I know that Lily and I are supposed to be partners, and I let my fear get in the way of that. I fucked up. I just hope it’s not too late to fix it.
“I know, you’re right, Uncle Mikey,” I reply. “I know that I need to be open and honest with her, and that’s all she really wants. I just thought that things were starting to become too complicated to tell her everything. I mean, Unc, it’s really complicated.”
Uncle Mikey squints his eyes in thought. I know he wants to ask me what I mean by complicated, but he knows that could be a bad question to ask right now.
“I think I understand what you’re saying. Nonetheless, you only complicate things more by lying to her. You know how women are, Junior. Eventually she’s going to find out everything anyway. Eventually, they always find out. No matter what it is. That’s how it is when you’re in love with someone—they tend to find out all your business. If she finds out some other way, she’ll just be pissed at you even more. So, no matter how complicated it is, Junior, you need to let her in. Whatever it is, if she can’t handle it, she can leave. But, you can’t take that option away from her by hiding the information. She needs all the information so that she can decide what she wants to do with it. Something tells me that she’ll have your back. All you have to do is let her. In the end, we both know it’s gonna be easier for you to get through this with her by your side. Just imagine how hard everything would become if she left you, and you still had to deal with your father.”
