Oh!
"Um, yeah. Sort of. I'm sorry if it's been affecting my work. I promise it won't happen again."
"Allison, you're doing a great job. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. It's not every day I walk into my ex-wife’s house and find her drinking in the middle of the day with my assistant, and both of them look like they just watched a marathon of sappy movies."
The first time I broke down at work, Hunter was the one who found me in the conference room crying. It was the anniversary of Kevin's death, Harry had sent me a text, and I started my period that morning. My emotions were all over the place, and I finally shattered.
I don't remember what he said to me that day, but I do remember how it made me feel. Like I was valued. That he cared enough about me to try and help me through it. Even after I refused to give him details or tell him why I was bawling. Instead, he sat there rubbing his hand up and down my back until my tears dried up and then he sent me to the spa.
It must be a Dixon brother thing because knowing Ryder cares is making me feel better. I don't plan on sharing any information with him either, but I know that if I needed someone to talk to, he'd be there to listen.
Working at Dixon is like being a part of a family. One that you may never have thought you'd be a part of. One that is highly dysfunctional and filled with a variety of personalities. At the end of the day, it's the best kind of family to be a part of, though. They all care about each other.
And to keep my past a secret, I've treated my family like crap. They're the most important people in my life, and I've spread more rumors about them than I care to admit. Shitty gossip too. Things no one would ever believe but, because they came from 'the source,' were thought to be filled with truth.
I've spread hate and fear.
I've done and said horrible things about people I love. People who mean the world to me. Who love me despite my many flaws.
No more. I'm done. That's the old me. The new me is honest, one-hundred percent of the time.
Starting with talking to Zane.
Pacing my kitchen, I stare down at my phone, Zane's number pulled up on the screen. All I have to do is hit send, but I can't bring myself to do it.
He left fifteen voice messages. Dozens of texts. I've ignored them all. Why would he even answer the phone? He probably hates me right now.
Tomorrow night we're supposed to be going to Justine's party. Together. For the first time as a couple. He was going to tell Hunter the truth. Our relationship would be out in the open.
And now, I can't even bring myself to call him and explain why I've been so distant. Why I refused to take his phone calls. Why I haven't responded to any of the texts he's sent me over the last two days.
How do you even start a conversation like that?
Hey! Sorry I haven't been answering your calls. I freaked out because I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you and I haven't told you about my dead husband yet.
Not exactly a great way to start a conversation. And that's if he answers his phone.
So, I have a confession to make...
Um, since it's bound to come up, I should probably let you know I've been married before.
Bound to come up? Not likely.
Hey! Sorry for being a bitch and disappearing. I was dealing with some stuff, and I'm ready to talk if you're willing to listen.
That may be the best one yet. I should write that down before I forget. Or I could just push send and call him instead of being a chickenshit.
Taking a deep breath, I squeeze my eyes closed and push send.
Voicemail.
Oh, God. He's never going to talk to me again. I've ruined everything.
Beep.
"Hey. It's Ally. I'm, um, sorry I wasn't answering the phone. It, um, I've had some shit going on." What the hell was I going to say again? I should have written that down. "Anyway, if you want to talk, give me a call. I promise to answer this time."
Hanging up, I bang my forehead against the wall and sigh in frustration.
I deserve this. This is karma. I knew it was too good to be true. No one falls in love this fast. No one connects with someone else the way we did.
I had my one great love in this lifetime. Why did I think I'd have the chance at a second? You only get one.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
The highlight of my day. Dinner. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and biscuits. Comfort food. Home cooked and delivered.
"Be right there," I call, digging through my purse for cash. With it clutched in my hand, I open the door. "Sorry that took a..."
My voice trails off as I stare into Zane's eyes.
He's here.
At my apartment.
With a smile on his face and a brown bag that I hope contains my dinner in his hand.
"Delivery," he jokes, handing me the bag.
"What are you doing here?" My voice is filled with shock and fear.
"Megan called me. Said not to be pissed off at you and to still come this weekend. So here I am. I told you I was coming tonight, right? We had this conversation."
We did, but I forgot. I thought I still had twenty-four hours to figure out what I was going to say to him. To beg him to forgive me and to let me explain why I've been avoiding him.
Not the case.
He may not be here at all right no if Megan hadn't called. I'm not sure if I should be pissed at her for interfering or grateful she took it upon herself to help. I'm going to go with the latter of the two options.
"Can I come in?" he asks, nodding past me.
Silently stepping aside, Zane snags his duffel bag off the floor and walks past me. I watch as he tosses it in my bedroom before stalking back over to me, taking the food from my hand and pulling me into his arms.
His body is warm and inviting. I fit perfectly under his chin.
Closing my eyes, I let out a sigh and enjoy the way I feel because I'm not sure how long this will last or if I'll even be able to enjoy it again. We're going to have to talk.
"So," he begins, relaxing his tight hold on me but not letting me go. "Want to tell me what freaked you out the other day?"
"Not really but I know I have to."
"You don't have to tell me anything. I can pretend to be blissfully ignorant if you prefer."
That's not really an option, only he doesn't know that yet. If I don't tell him, this thing will grow between us. He’ll ignore it, and it'll be all I can focus on. The secret that's keeping us apart even when we're together. That's keeping me from being honest with him about how I feel about him.
Because if the day ever comes when he feels the same, I'd be forced to tell him. And that would hurt him even more. It's better to tell him now, to let him choose to walk away before he gets hurt.
"Ignorance isn't always bliss," I reply once I'm certain my voice won't crack.
Pushing out of his arms, immediately missing the feel of his body pressed against mine, I take his hand, and my bag of food, and lead him into the living room.
It's time to come clean with him about my past. He can make his decision, and if he wants to leave, no harm no foul.
No one knows he's here yet except Megan.
We can still avoid telling our friends. Upsetting Hunter for no reason.
The last thing I want is to embarrass him. To tell everyone about our little tryst and then end things abruptly.
"Shall I grab plates?" he offers as I unpack the food.
I don't eat comfort food often, but when I do, I always over order. Cold fried chicken is as amazing as if it's fresh out of the fryer.
When Zane returns with plates, I give each of us a generous helping of potatoes and two pieces of fried chicken. He raises an eyebrow at me, but I don't bother to explain myself.
We've eaten dozens of meals together. I tend to lean toward the healthy side of things on a regular basis. I don't deny myself something if I want it, especially sweets from time to time, but I make sure I'm not eating junk all the time. Fried chicken would be co
nsidered junk compared to my normal diet.
Zane digs in, ripping apart his chicken breast with ease. I watch as the steam billows out from inside. I expect him to flinch as the juice from the chicken hits his lips, but he doesn't. He's either hasn't eaten all day or the chicken is that good.
"Go ahead," he urges through a mouth full of food.
"I'll wait until you're done."
"Whatever it is, Ally, it can't be that bad. Just tell me. We'll finish eating dinner and then we'll finish what we started on the phone the other night."
Ah! The phone call that ended when Brianna showed up unannounced. The phone call that had me hot and heavy and ready to explode until I realized who was at my door. A complete orgasm killer.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes, prepare myself for the worst, and as I let out my breath, I start from the beginning. I keep my eyes closed most of the time, but when I finally find the courage to open them, I keep them trained at my plate in my lap. At the fried chicken and mashed potatoes that are getting cold.
"I was married. My husband was killed one night on his way home when he stopped for ice cream. That was five years ago. I moved here a few years after he died to get away from the memories. I've tried to ignore my past, to move on, but I can't ignore it anymore. I never dealt with his death. I know he's gone and never coming back, but I refused to accept that until recently.
"I went home yesterday, to the house we shared together. I had breakfast with my father-in-law. It had been two years since I'd spoken to him or stepped foot in that town. We had a fight the last time I was there, over my mental state basically. He wants me to let go, to move on, and I've refused. Until now.
"Now I see why he's been pushing me all these years. My husband wouldn't want me to live the way I've been living. I've spent the better part of the last three years dating. Looking for someone who reminds me of Kevin. The same eye color. The same mannerisms. I've been looking for my husband, but I'm not going to find him.
"With you, it was different. The thought never even crossed my mind. I liked you for who you are not for who I was once married to. You're the opposite of my husband in a lot of ways. Good ways. You're also a lot like him. Not in a creepy way, I promise."
"Ally, I—"
Cutting him off, I hold up one finger, my plate on the table, and head into my room to get the one thing that will hopefully give him the assurance he needs right now.
Chapter Eleven
"He was a soldier?" Zane asks, staring at the picture of Kevin and me.
It will always be my favorite picture of us. It captured our love perfectly. It's amazing how all it takes is one split second to see more than a lifetime of watching could ever show you.
"He was. He served almost eight years in the Marine Corps. Three tours altogether. Two before we met and one after we were married."
"I'm so sorry, Ally. I really am."
"There's more," I say, looking down at the picture of my husband in Zane's hand.
My heart aches for that moment. To be able to go back and do it all over again. To hold him one more time. To kiss him and tell him I love him.
My heart aches, but not for Kevin. It aches for the way he made me feel. For the love that we shared.
The time we had together was wonderful, and it's something I'll never forget. He's someone I'll never forget. I'll love him until the day I die and we meet again. What I've come to realize is that you can't be in love with someone who isn't here anymore.
It's the idea of them that you're in love with. You can be in love with love.
"I'm still here," Zane comments, setting the picture aside and scooting closer to me.
"I've spent the better part of three years searching for my husband in other men. Then I met you. I met you, and I didn't want you to be Kevin. I didn't need you to be him. I love you just the way you are. I love the way you make me feel. I've been searching for someone who doesn't exist all these years when I should have been looking for someone to make me feel the way he made me feel. Like I was the most important person in the world. Someone who would do anything for me because they care about me.
"And I think that person is you, Zane. I think, in some weird way, we were meant to meet. Even the way we did. With obstacles in our way. Because it made us work for this. To be able to be together. It wasn't easy, but the best things in life shouldn't be."
"What are you saying, Ally?"
"I, um, just that, I hope you can forgive me for ignoring your calls. That I hope you don't run away from me because of the lies I've told. That you give me a second chance to prove to you that I deserve you."
"Is that all?"
Looking up at Zane, the look on his face confirms the sound I hear in his voice. He's challenging me. He knows how I feel about him, and he wants me to say it.
"I'm not going anywhere. Not without you," Zane adds when I don't respond. "And just to be clear, you didn't lie to me. I never asked you if you were married before because I could tell you had been but weren't ready to talk about it."
"You knew?"
"You talk in your sleep, and my name isn't Kevin. At first, I was pissed. I almost woke you up, but then I listened to what you were saying. You were happy and smiling. Then you were suddenly upset and sad. You even had a tear run down your cheek. I knew it was something, but I wasn't sure what until I heard you call his name again and again. Over and over, like you were calling after him, but the pain in your voice was heartbreaking. Then you mumbled something about your husband.
"I wanted to wake you up and make sure you were okay, but you went back to being happy again. The smile on your face returned, and I didn't want to take that away from you. Instead, I stayed up and watched you sleep that night. You were restless, back and forth most of the night between happy and sad, and just as the sun was about to rise, you said my name. And there was a smile on your face."
"Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"Because I knew you would tell me about him when you were ready. We were just getting to know each other. That was the first night I stayed here. I didn't want to scare you away, and I knew I would if I forced you to talk about it too soon.
"Plus, at the end of the day, you being married before we met wasn't a big deal to me. It didn't change the way I was feeling about you."
He knew and he didn't care. He doesn't care.
I hear the words that are coming out of his mouth, but they're really hard to believe. Hard to accept. Then again, acceptance isn't my strong suit.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, unsure how to express how I feel right now.
I'm embarrassed and uncertain. He's still here, and that's the most important thing right now.
"I'm not. I knew this day would come. I figured it would be hard on you, but if I had pressured you to tell me what you were hiding, we wouldn't be where we are right now. Sure, I wondered when, but after my last visit, I knew it would be soon."
"How? How do you know all of this, and how in the hell do you stay so calm? I feel like there's a storm brewing and I'm afraid I won't make it out alive."
"Like I said, you talk in your sleep."
That's it? I talk in my sleep, and he has all the answers?
"What else did I say?" Squinting my eyes at Zane, he smiles and shakes his head.
"That's for me to know."
"You have to tell me."
"Actually, I don't. In fact, I think I'll keep it to myself until you're ready to hear it. Then I'll share, but for now," he says, slipping one arm under my knees, wrapping the other around my middle, and standing with ease, "I'm going to take you to bed, make you scream my name for a few hours, and then we're going to finish dinner."
The mood in the room has shifted. It was heavy and filled with dark secrets. Now, all I can feel is the passion and the fire. Need. Longing. Love.
Damn him for making me love him. Damn life for allowing me to find someone who can deal with my shit and take it in stride.
Kevin was the strongest man I knew when i
t came to handling everything life could throw at you. He never did know how to handle my eccentric personality, though. He tried. Mostly, he'd laugh things off, not let it bother him, and we'd move on.
Zane works with it, explores every avenue, and brings out the best in me. He encourages me to be who I am, flaws and all. In fact, I think he likes the fact that I'm different, that I don't take his shit.
We challenge each other in the best ways possible.
Let's just hope that our friends see things that way. Or else tomorrow is going to be a shitshow.
"Are you ready to go?" Zane asks, leaning against the door frame.
An hour ago, I was straightening my hair. Then I decided to curl it, which was challenging since I had already ironed it out. Now I'm trying to pull it high up on my head and make the half-curled look work for me.
It's not.
It looks like my hair was curled three days ago and I haven't bothered to do anything with it since.
I'm a hot mess.
My hair is just one part of the reason, though.
Justine called me out this afternoon for acting weird. She said something was up and tried to get a confession out of me. The only thing that got her to stand down was the promise she would find out tonight.
And by stand down, I mean she got pissed.
"Not tonight. Promise me."
"Why? What's going on with you?"
My first chance to flip the script. She's been avoiding me all week, and to be honest, I've been avoiding her as well. Her and everyone else. It's been rough.
"You'll find out tonight. That's why I need to know your secret right now because tonight is about me."
She needs her moment, I get that, but we're standing next to my desk. Ryder's office door is open, and Hunter is in there. I can't confess right now. Not without causing a scene in the middle of the office.
"I promise this won't ruin whatever it is that you have going on tonight."
But my promise lacks confidence. Because if I was honest with her, my secret could ruin her entire evening. So when I came home, Zane and I made the decision to go to Hunter's before the party. To tell him in private, so if he was going to freak out, he could do it where he wouldn't ruin Justine's party.
Rumors: Allison & Zane Page 7
