Judith had a wildly passionate nature and she feared to lose the control that enabled her to protect those around her from the ups and downs of her intense emotions.
"You don't understand, Thomas." There was pain in her voice. Need. Want.
They both winced when she murmured his false name.
Judith shook her head. "Life isn't quite so black and white. I can't always just do whatever I want. I have family I love. People that matter to me. Those women saved my life and made me believe in myself again. They've given me hope."
"As you've done for me," he stated quietly.
Her gaze jumped to his. She swallowed hard. "Before you came along, I felt frozen. I did, Thomas." This time she said the name firmly. "I felt like there would never be love in my life, not the love of a partner--a man for myself. I had no hope of a family of my own. Children. Laughter. Love every day. And then I saw you and before I could take a breath I was so wrapped up in you I couldn't breathe. I don't let people in. I can't. You have no idea how dangerous that can be and I don't want to make a wrong move. I'm protecting you as well as my family and me."
He held out his hand to her. She looked so forlorn, unable to take that step toward him. She looked at his hand and tears swam in her eyes. She shook her head.
"I can't, Thomas. I can't explain, but you're better off without me."
The more agitated she became, the more negative energy filled the room until the walls pulsed with it. At first the heavy emotion battered at him, chipping away his resolve and confidence that they fit perfectly, but as her fears grew, his determination hardened and calmness descended.
"Moi prekrasnyi padshii angel." He covered the distance separating them and took her hand. "Locks don't mean anything to me. I can go wherever I want. It is impossible to shut out a man such as I am. You have no secrets from me. I can't live with them and you don't need to." He kept his gaze locked with her, willing her to understand.
Her eyes widened. Her breath caught in her throat. Dark anger spread through the room. He didn't let go of her hand, not even when she tensed up and tried to jerk away from him. He kept her shackled to him, while anger spread like a cancer and the floor rippled beneath his feet. The power expanded and the windows rattled. He held on to her and stayed calm, the eye of the hurricane, never moving, never looking away from her.
"Just breathe now, Judith," he said, keeping his voice quiet. "I'm every bit as exposed as you and we're still standing. I'm still standing with you. Your worst is nothing at all, honey. Everyone gets angry and feels rage and even hatred at times. You're a spirit element so unfortunately, if those darker emotions get away from you, others can feel them as well. But the emotions are normal. They don't make you a terrible person."
Her gaze shifted from his and she looked down, guilt and shame making her shoulders sag. He knew her guilt wasn't over her rage, or her dark wishes. The shame was because she didn't have it in her to avenge her brother.
Stefan stepped close to her, close enough to share his body heat without physically touching her curves. He tipped her chin up, forcing her to meet his gaze. "My shame, Judith, is that I'm wholly capable of doing terrible things to other human beings without mercy, without emotion. If you asked me to make this man suffer for you, or to kill him for you, I would get the job done. You wanted a weapon, and I'm standing right here, willing to do anything for you. Sadly, if you asked that of me, it would be the easiest thing you'll ever ask of me."
He made the confession looking her straight in the eyes, wanting her to hear, feel and see the terrible, ugly truth of his declaration. She had to know him--the real Stefan--not the fantasy of Thomas. Stefan was a man of action and that action wasn't always going to be pretty. His training was ingrained in him. He couldn't be anything with her other than what he truly was. He wanted Judith to see him and fall in love with him, commit to him.
"I don't need a man to rescue me."
"Is that what it feels like to you, Judith? A rescue? I don't mind saying I need you. Can I live without you? Of course. I have for years, but can I sleep at night? Breathe right? Feel happiness? I don't know, I never felt happiness before so now that I know what it's like, maybe I'll have a more difficult time. I want a partnership with you. I want your joy in my life. Your sense of fun. The bright colors you bring to life in me. I think you're the one rescuing me, not the other way around."
She pressed her lips together, standing absolutely still, afraid to move in any direction.
"It's only a matter of time before you learn to control your element. You're more than halfway there already. You bottled up the darker side, but you know you can't keep doing that. For one thing, it's missing from your paintings and you need it. Everyone needs a balance. Once you learn control, why would you need rescuing, Judith? I'm here for myself. Pleading with you to see me, with my soul in my hands, asking you to save me."
Judith felt her heart turn over. Could anyone fake that look? She'd been broken for so long after Jean-Claude. Shattered inside. Her sisters had glued her back together, but the cracks showed. This man was standing in front of her, baring his very soul to her. Exposing his sins, giving his life into her keeping. Whatever he was, whatever he'd done in his life, there was good in him.
On the other hand, he'd broken into her house, into her locked studio and spied on her. Wasn't that stalker mentality? How could breaking into her studio in the least be considered reasonable? He hadn't even shown remorse, nor did she think he felt that particular emotion. She let her breath out slowly in a hiss of need.
She couldn't help herself. He had never had anyone. The glimpses she caught of his life, the small things he'd told her, were heartbreaking. Someone needed to love this man. She didn't pretend to herself it would be easy. She wouldn't be signing up for a fairy tale. He was a dominating man. Levi had the same traits, but Rikki needed her world a certain way and Levi "got" Rikki and loved her enough to give in to her needs and always, always, he was gentle when he pushed her out of her comfort zone.
Stefan--Thomas--wouldn't have that same motivation. He would give orders and ask questions afterward. Was she strong enough to live with that kind of force? A man who would always push to dominate? A man who didn't mind getting past locked doors? He would be a force in her life always. He would also be a strong anchor.
His plea appealed to her compassionate nature. She moistened her lips. "How could there not have been a woman in your life, Thomas? You're a very sensual man."
He brought her hand to his chest, opening her fingers so her palm fit over his heart. "I didn't say there weren't women. I work for a man named Sorbacov. He's a very dangerous man, always behind the scenes in our government, but he wields tremendous power and influence. There are of course layers between Sorbacov and men like me, but when he assigns me to seduce a woman, I've done so."
She heard the distaste in his voice and it helped to ease the stabbing at her heart.
"I was trained to perform on demand, to prolong my performance in order to tie a woman to me through sexual prowess."
He was obviously choosing his words carefully, being painfully honest with her when he would prefer not to discuss the subject.
"Men like me don't have relationships, Judith. We get the information we need, use the woman to help us and then we're gone." He hesitated and his fingers closed around her hand. "If the woman is an agent for another government, sometimes it becomes a matter of who kills the other first."
"That's horrible."
He shrugged. "It's the only life I've ever known so it's normal to me. Women like you are not part of the life I lead."
"And Levi did the same thing?"
"We were trained in different military camps and I'm not certain what work he did. I do know that, like me, he's considered disposable and since Sorbacov can't control him, he's expendable--as I will be."
Her heart jumped in protest. "The world thinks the Russian agent aboard the yacht that sank is dead. Levi isn't known to be that same man. Sorbacov mu
st know you're Thomas Vincent."
"Not necessarily. When I go undercover, I go off the grid for long periods. I spent a great deal of time and effort creating Thomas Vincent with the idea that I might use him when I disappeared. In my business you always have to have a contingency plan. Sorbacov knows I'm in Sea Haven, but not anything else. Ivanov isn't going to bother telling him anything."
"You came here with the idea you'd disappear like Levi did?"
He nodded. "If Ivanov is going after my brother, it's because Sorbacov ordered him to do so. I won't let that happen, which means I'm going directly against Sorbacov. That's what my father did and he had him killed. I came here knowing I'd be next on the hit list if I came."
"But you did." Judith made it a statement. She could see the determination in his eyes. He would have come if there had been a firing squad waiting for him and back home, there just might be. Still . . . he had come.
"He's my brother. Sorbacov killed my parents. That's all the blood he'll get from my family."
Judith shivered. She might be the spirit element, amplifying her own emotions and that of those around her, but she felt his absolute resolve and deadly intent.
"I need a cup of tea, Thomas. Come into the kitchen with me and let's talk in there." If she was being entirely truthful, she didn't trust herself to resist him, not when his loyalty to his brother threatened his life. Or the way he stood before her, revealing things about himself she knew he had never told another human being.
She tangled her fingers with his and gave a little tug, leading him toward the door. Her heart ached for him. She had been raised in Japan by a loving mother and father as a child. When her father had wanted to return to the United States, her mother hadn't hesitated, moving with her father and making the trip fun and adventurous. Her mother had turned their home into a place of love and peace, surrounding them with her serenity and love of gardening. Her older brother had been loving and protective. She'd had a wonderful childhood. Even after her parents had been killed in an accident when she was in her teens, she still had Paul. He had stepped into the role of parent, watching over her and making her life stay as stable as possible.
What had Thomas's life been like as a child? She'd seen her brother tortured and killed, and she'd been a grown woman. What would it be like to be a child and see both parents murdered and your brothers taken from you? Her heart stuttered a little and squeezed down tight, aching for that little boy. Looking at Thomas, she couldn't imagine him as a child. Those violent brutal men "training" him had stamped the boy out quickly.
Stefan followed Judith down the hall into her kitchen. She hadn't turned on the lights, but with all the windows, the stars and moon provided faint light to illuminate the room. Her long hair skimmed the center of her bottom, drawing his eye to the sway of her hips and the length of her slender legs.
He could barely stand the flash of pain in her eyes when he shared some of his memories with her. She was too compassionate, and he wasn't compassionate enough without her. He shouldn't need her so much. It was too much to put on one person, but he knew he could be good at this--at being with her.
"Judith." His voice ached with the need to convince her. "I'm not going to pretend I've ever been a good man. Hell, I can't claim to have been a man. I'm a tool and I'm a damned good one. I don't know any other way of life, but I want to live differently. I know I could be good at being with you. I don't see anyone else. I'd know when you needed something, when you were sad or happy. And I can shield you from other people's emotions, make it easier when you're out in public. More than that, I'm capable of shielding others from your emotions. That alone is sheer freedom for you."
He felt like an attorney trying, at the last hour, to save a man's life.
Judith glanced at him over her shoulder, a completely natural look he found sexy. His body stirred in spite of his rigid control. He wasn't going to bring sex into this. She needed to want him because they fit, not just because their chemistry together was explosive--although . . .
"Don't," she warned him softly, but without much conviction.
He filed that information away to pull out later if he was losing the battle. She was more than susceptible to seduction and that was one thing he was damned good at. He gave her a wan smile. "I'm fighting for us, Judith. You have to give me something."
She filled her teakettle with water and set it on the burner. "Your life has been so different, Thomas. I can't even imagine the places you've been and the situations you've been in. I live quietly here. This is a small town; a village really. We're a strange little collection of people, very tolerant of one another, but quirky. It's peaceful here. Not much in the way of action. We don't even have a police force, just the sheriff if anyone's in trouble. Death here is from old age or the sea. Abalone divers, that sort of thing. How would a man like you find anything interesting here?"
He took his time, instinctively knowing she wanted him to be thoughtful. He didn't need to be. "I've never had a life, not a real life with a family and truthfully, I can't be around people for long periods of time. I've lived outside civilization. I don't know the rules and I'm not polite. I can fit in when I need to, but I'm never me, I'm someone else, playing a role, anything to achieve my goal. I need peace, I need a place where I can live out my days in freedom, and Sea Haven seems perfect. Thomas Vincent would love to have an art gallery and a wife who paints and makes amazing kaleidoscopes."
Judith kept her back to him, busying her hands by filling the teapot's little screened container with loose-leaf tea. "What about Stefan Prakenskii? I'm more interested in him and what he wants." She turned then to face him, leaning back against the counter, studying his face, locking her gaze with his. "What does Stefan want?"
"I want you, Judith. I want to live with you and love you. I want to be everything you need."
He cupped the side of her face, unable to keep from touching her, his thumb brushing back and forth over all that smooth, soft skin he couldn't resist. She was so beautiful to him. Her bone structure, her exotic eyes, her mouth, that small, straight nose and her intriguing dimples, yet it was what was inside of her, spilling out, that brought him a kind of joy singing through his veins.
"I can be good at this one thing, radost' moya, making you happy. Keeping you safe. Loving you. I can do that."
When she started to speak he shook his head, laying his fingers across her lips.
"But you have to be sure. There's no going back. You have to know what kind of man I've been, what I've done, Judith. You have to realize that you're nothing like me. All those dark places inside of you are normal, people are supposed to have them. I am those dark shadows, the embodiment of them. Can you live with a man who is scarred inside and out? People like me don't recover. We have certain things ingrained in us, and we can't change. You have to be able to love the real me."
The teakettle began to whistle and Judith spun around to pour the hot water into the teapot. Stefan didn't step back to give her more room, instead, stood close to her, inhaling her fragrance and willing her to understand him. He knew himself, knew he was a hard man, honed in the fires of hell and probably dwelled there most of the time, lost in the ranks of the damned, but he saw the way out. Right here. Now. In spite of Ivanov hunting him. In spite of Sorbacov panicking because a journalist had begun digging for information regarding a rumor that orphans and children of political enemies had been taken to military camps and raised for all kinds of purposes.
Mostly, Stefan knew, the outside world pictured young children being prepared as sleeper cells to be sent to the United States, the United Kingdom and a few other countries. Those few people, living in the open, marrying, having children, would probably never be called into play and how much real damage could they actually do? It was the others, trained to live in the shadows, assassins and seducers, men and women who could kill in seconds and vanish as if they'd never been, that the countries needed to fear. And those were the ones Sorbacov feared would come into the light.
Sorbacov's methods had been brutal and only the toughest children with the strongest wills had managed to survive. If his torture of children came to light, if the true deadly nature of his small army of agents was to reach the light of day, the man and his political ambitions would be destroyed and he knew it. He couldn't afford to allow the information to be made public.
Judith poured two cups of tea and turned to face him, the cups in her hands. "We need milk. In the fridge over there." She nodded toward her refrigerator.
His heart skipped a beat. Getting the milk for the tea was such a domestic thing to do. He forced himself to walk slow, determined to tell her as much of the truth as he could. "If you choose me, Judith, the way won't be smooth. Your sisters are going to try to pull you away from me," he said. "I can't blame them, they'll be doing it out of love for you, afraid you're doing something crazy, tying yourself to me. It will be difficult not to listen to them, Judith, because the things they say will most likely be truth. I'm not a good man and they'll point that out. I've killed people and they'll know. I'm capable of hiding my true aura and they'll know that at some point as well. They'll be afraid for you."
He poured the milk himself into both cups, noting Judith wanted more than he did. She took a sip, regarding him over the rim of her teacup.
"Make a kaleidoscope with me."
He frowned at her. "Judith, I need to know if you're with me or not."
"I don't know yet. Make a kaleidoscope with me. That's what I need. Right now. Tonight. Come to my studio and make the scope."
"Is this some kind of test?"
She nodded slowly. "I can't trust my instincts with you. I can't listen to my sisters. I can't even trust my ability to read auras. I'm left with my own truth. Will you do it? Make the scope? Be certain, Thomas, because you won't be able to hide from me," she warned.
Spirit Bound Page 27
