by Duncan Ball
‘Pierre, darling!’ Sibyl cried, giving the prince a big hug. ‘I’m so sorry about our disagreement today.’
‘That’s all right, darling. I understand. I just came to see if it would be okay to take Selby for a walk. He isn’t getting enough exercise.’
‘Thank you so much, Pierre,’ Sibyl said. ‘How thoughtful of you. Here’s his leash.’
‘Hey, I don’t think I like the sound of this,’ Selby thought.
Pierre led Selby up some stairs to the top deck. The moon shone in the black of the sea below.
‘She’ll be sad at first,’ the prince said. ‘But she’ll get over it.’
‘What is this guy talking about? What’s she going to get over?’
Prince Pierre picked Selby up in his arms and patted him.
‘It’s not going to work, old boy,’ Selby thought. ‘You can be as nice to me as you want but I know what you’re really like.’
‘The thing is, Selby, no one can be married to a dead person. Or a dead dog, for that matter.’
‘Yeah,’ Selby thought, ‘but I’m not dead and I don’t expect to be dead for a long long time. Hey! What’s he doing! He’s lifting me over the railing! He’s looking around to make sure no one’s looking! He’s —’
‘Stop that!’ Selby screamed in plain English (and, as he did so, the note flew out of his mouth and into the wind).
Prince Pierre stopped.
‘You talked!’
‘Of course I talked! Now put me down or I’ll bite you into next week!’
But before either the prince or Selby could think to blink, the ship suddenly rolled and Selby found himself falling.
‘Heeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllllppppppppp!!!!!!!!!!’ he screamed.
And that was the last sound from Selby as he plunged towards the icy depths.
Selby lay in the cold at the bottom of the sea, thinking about his wonderful life with the Trifles when he was alive.
‘Why oh why did I ever get married?’ he asked himself. ‘I should have just bitten Sibyl the same way Posy bit Hamish, then none of this would have happened. And now Sibyl will marry that awful prince and he’ll be horrible to her. If only I’d talked to her when I had a chance, I could have warned her.’
Over the sound of the roar of the sea, Selby heard sobbing.
‘How could this have happened, darling?’
‘That’s Sibyl’s voice!’ he thought.
‘It was terrible,’ the prince said. ‘He broke away from me. He started running and the next thing I knew he’d jumped off the side.’
‘Whoa!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s not what happened. Don’t listen to him, Sibs!’
‘But don’t worry, darling. The first thing we’ll do when we get married is get another dog just like Selby.’
‘You’ll never find another dog like me, you dog-murdering fiend,’ Selby thought. ‘Oh why did I let him kill me? And why can I hear everything they’re saying? And what’s this thing poking into my back?’
Selby opened his eyes and looked around in the dark, straining to see anything.
‘Wait just a minute,’ he thought. ‘What’s this? It feels like canvas. Hey, what do you know, I’m alive! I’m not at the bottom of the sea! I’m on top of a lifeboat! I didn’t drown! I’m not dead any more!’
The ship rolled again and Selby clung to the top of the lifeboat. He climbed in under the cover.
‘I think I’d better stay in here before I fall off and really drown. And, I’ll tell you what, I’m going to hide till this cruise is over. I’m not taking any chances with that poncy prince.’
Selby hid in the lifeboat and drank the emergency water and ate the emergency biscuits. And all the while he wondered how he could secretly warn Sibyl about the prince. Suddenly he heard the sound of ‘The Wedding March'.
‘Oh, no!’ he cried. ‘She’s going to marry him after all! How will I stop her?!’
In the ship’s ballroom, all the passengers were gathered to watch the wedding of Sibyl Sweetie to Prince Pierre de Terre, while millions of people around the world watched on TV.
The captain, in his best white uniform, stood in front of the couple and began the wedding service as a small furry creature crept into the the ballroom through the back.
‘If anyone knows of any reason why this wedding should not go ahead,’ the captain said, ‘speak now or forever hold your peace.’
There was a moment’s silence and then …
‘Stop the wedding!’ a voice cried out. ‘They can’t get married! He’s already married!’
‘Already married?’ the captain said. ‘Who said that?’
‘I did,’ the voice said, stepping forward.
‘You? First Mate Alonzo?’ (Because, you see, it wasn’t Selby after all who spoke.) ‘How do you know he’s already married?’
‘I ran a check on him. His name isn’t Prince Pierre or Prince anything. His real name is Peter Grimes and he marries women for their money then runs off. He’s still married to fifteen women.’
‘Why, you horrid lying sneak!’ Sibyl screamed, slapping him across the face. ‘Oh, look!’ she cried, racing down the aisle and picking Selby up. ‘Selby’s not dead, after all! Oh, you darling little dog. You are the dearest, most wonderful dog in the world.’
‘And you’re pretty okay yourself,’ Selby thought.
And that’s pretty much the end of the story. The ship docked that day and the Trifles were there to meet Selby and take him home to Bogusville. ‘Mix ‘n’ Match Marriage’ was watched by more people than ever and Sibyl got a big pay rise. Peter Grimes was taken away by the police and put in jail.
But you may want to know how it was that the First Mate found out about the prince.
‘I found a soggy note stuck to the deck,’ the First Mate explained. ‘It wasn’t signed and it looked like a child’s writing. It said the prince was after Sibyl’s money, so I thought I’d check it out. I’m glad I did.’
‘And boy, am I glad he did, too,’ Selby thought, as a slight doggy smile crept across his lips.
*Author note: Most of the stories that Selby tells me are short. But this one is long and I couldn’t make it any shorter without ruining it. Sorry.
Paw note: Remember that my real name isn’t Selby so the Trifles wouldn’t have known it was me.
S
Selby Meets the Triple Terror
‘Melanie Mildew just phoned,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘She wants us to meet her out at Gumboot Mountain. Apparently there’s a big problem. She says we both have to go immediately so she can show us something.’
‘Did she say what sort of problem it is?’ Dr Trifle asked.
‘No. She said she’d explain when we got there.’
‘But we have to look after Willy and Billy this afternoon. We can’t leave them here by themselves.’
‘Willy and Billy?! Yikes,’ Selby thought, ‘if those super-brats are coming, I’m out of here!’
‘They won’t be by themselves,’ Mrs Trifle said, ‘because Jetty is bringing Cindy, Mindy and Lindy, as well. The girls can look after the boys.’
‘Who are Cindy, Mindy and Lindy?’
‘You know — the triplets. You haven’t met them before but they’re our nieces. Well, they’re not exactly nieces, they’re my uncle’s cousin’s brother-in-law’s stepson’s daughters, but I think of them as nieces. They go to SLC in the city but they’re staying with Jetty for the weekend.’
‘SLC? Is that a school?’
‘Yes, the whole name is St Lucre’s College for Polite Young Ladies,’ Mrs Trifle explained. ‘It’s the most expensive school in the country. I haven’t seen the girls since they were two but I’m sure they’re absolutely lovely. Jetty says that Willy and Billy always behave themselves when the girls are around.’
‘Who is she kidding? Willy and Billy? Behave? They wouldn’t know the meaning of the word,’ Selby thought. ‘No little girls could ever be able to keep those monsters under control. This I’ve got to see.’
Minut
es later, Aunt Jetty’s car stopped outside. And, within a moment, Willy and Billy were running around the house hitting each other with their cricket bats. Selby had quietly climbed on top of a kitchen cabinet and was peeking over the edge.
‘Ow! He hit me!’ Billy screamed.
‘He hit me too!’ Willy screamed back. ‘I’m going to get him!’
‘You’ll do nothing of the sort!’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Stop hitting each other this instant!’
Willy and Billy kept running and screaming and were still bashing each other with their bats when the three girls came quietly into the room.
‘Ahem,’ Cindy said, clearing her throat. ‘Boys, will you please stop what you’re doing right now?’
At the sweet sound of Cindy’s voice, Willy and Billy stopped in their tracks and dropped their bats. Selby was surprised to see fear on the boys’ faces.
‘Y-Yes, C-C-Cindy,’ Willy said. ‘I’ll do anything you say.’
‘Me too,’ Billy said.
‘What’s going on here?’ Selby wondered.
‘Remember,’ Cindy added, ‘we’re guests in the Trifles’ house so you will both have to behave.’
‘We will. Honest,’ the boys said together.
‘All right then,’ said Mindy. ‘That way nothing will get broken.’
‘And neither of you will be hurt,’ Lindy added.
‘I can’t believe it!’ Selby thought. ‘Those monsters are as tame as kittens. It’s got to be an act. They just have to be faking.’
‘That’s amazing,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘You certainly are good with the boys. We were a little worried about leaving you here all by yourselves.’
‘There’s nothing to worry about, Auntie,’ Cindy said. Then she turned to her sisters. ‘Say it, girls!’
The girls stood in a row with their hands neatly folded in front of them as they chanted, ‘We’re neat. We’re sweet. And we’re as cute as cute can be.’ They then burst into giggles.
‘Don’t worry about Willy and Billy,’ Mindy said. ‘I’m sure they’ll be as good as gold.’
‘I hope so,’ Mrs Trifle said, turning to the boys, ‘because if you boys are naughty then you’re going to be in big trouble when we get back. Do you understand?’
‘Yes, Auntie,’ Willy and Billy said.
‘I can’t believe this,’ Selby thought. ‘Willy and Billy being good? What planet am I on?’
No sooner had the Trifles driven off than Melanie Mildew arrived at the door with a group of council workers.
‘I’m sorry but the Trifles are out,’ Cindy said.
‘We know,’ Melanie said. ‘We’re the ones who tricked them into leaving the house. You see, Mrs Trifle has been the mayor of Bogusville for twenty-one years today and we want to give her a surprise party.’
‘How exciting,’ Mindy said. ‘Come in.’
Very soon, people were rushing everywhere. They were setting up tables and chairs and putting out plates of food. Melanie hung a huge banner in the loungeroom that said,
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MAYOR TRIFLE!
‘What a wonderful surprise!’ Selby thought as he watched from his hiding place on top of the cabinet. ‘Mrs Trifle’s going to be so happy. And that food smells absolutely scrummy. There’s even a cake that says “HAPPY 21st ANNIVERSARY”. She’ll love that.’
‘Okay,’ Melanie said when everything was set up. ‘We’ve got to leave now to get dressed and organise the band.’ She turned to Willy and Billy. ‘Don’t touch anything — do you understand?’
‘We won’t,’ the boys said.
‘We’ll keep an eye on them,’ said Lindy. ‘We promise they won’t touch a thing.’
And, with that, Melanie Mildew and the other council workers left.
‘Well well well, girls,’ Cindy said when the front door closed and they were alone again. ‘Look at all the lovely food.’
‘Yes, it looks fantastic,’ Mindy said.
Lindy picked up a little sandwich. ‘I wonder if it tastes as good as it looks,’ she said.
‘Don’t eat it! Willy cried. ‘You promised!’
‘We only promised that you boys wouldn’t touch the food, didn’t we, girls?’ Cindy said.
‘That’s the way I remember it,’ Mindy said, taking a bite out of a little sausage.
‘No, no, no!’ Billy howled. ‘We’ll get in trouble!’
‘Oh, puuuuleez,’ Mindy said, grabbing a handful of potato chips. ‘You’re making me cry.’
Willy grabbed her arm but she pushed him against a table, spilling fruit punch all over the floor.
‘Go for it, girls!’ Cindy cried as she knocked Billy out of the way. ‘Let’s party!’
‘I can’t believe this!’ Selby thought. ‘Those sweet little innocent girls are worse than Willy and Billy. They’re dreadful! They’re going to ruin Mrs Trifle’s surprise party!’
For the next few minutes the girls feasted on everything in sight, sometimes taking only a bite or two out of scones and sandwiches and then putting them back on the plates.
Willy and Billy looked on silently with tears streaming down their faces.
‘What’s the matter with you two?’ Cindy demanded.
‘We’re going to be in big big trouble,’ Willy bawled.
‘Mum won’t let us go out for a year,’ Billy whimpered.
‘But you haven’t done anything wrong,’ Cindy said. ‘They look completely innocent, don’t they, girls?’
‘They certainly do,’ Lindy said.
‘But we’ll soon fix that!’ Mindy said as she and her sisters held the boys down and smeared their faces with chocolate.
‘Goodness gracious,’ Cindy said. ‘Now they don’t look so innocent, after all. Come on, girls! Let’s party some more!’
Food flew everywhere. Spoonfuls of dip hit the ceiling, pies smashed against the walls, sandwiches were squashed into the carpet. Willy and Billy huddled in the corner sobbing while the girls shook up cans of drink and sprayed them everywhere.
And, just when Selby thought they couldn’t do any more damage, Mindy said, ‘Aren’t we forgetting something, girls?’ and picked up the cake.
‘That’s it!’ Selby thought. ‘That’s the last straw! I don’t mind Willy and Billy getting into trouble — they’ve certainly made my life a misery — but I can’t let these terrible triplets ruin Mrs Trifle’s anniversary cake! I can’t just lie here quietly! I’ve got to say something!’
Selby opened his mouth to yell, ‘No, no, not the cake!’ but, just at that instant, it flew up into the air, filling his mouth and splattering against the ceiling.
‘Good shot!’ Cindy yelled. ‘You hit the dog! What’s that dog doing up there, anyway?’
The force of the flying cake knocked Selby off balance and sent him crashing to the floor.
‘That’s that stink-face doggy!’ Willy yelled. ‘He knows how to talk!’
‘Yeah, he does,’ Billy agreed. ‘Hey, Willy, he can tell Auntie we didn’t do anything.’
‘Sure, he can,’ Lindy laughed. ‘Come along, girls, let’s get out of here. I can’t stand this mess.’
‘Okay,’ Cindy said. ‘But we’ve got to be back to see what the Trifles do to those naughty little boys.’
‘Yeah,’ said Mindy. ‘Boys are such messy little animals.’
Selby and Willy and Billy watched the girls go skipping down the street.
‘You have to tell Auntie and Uncle we didn’t do it,’ Willy said to Selby.
‘Yeah, you have to,’ Billy said. ‘Please, doggy? We’ll be really really nice to you.’
Selby washed the cake off his face in the kitchen sink and stood silently, thinking.
‘I’m not going to do it,’ he thought. ‘I can’t give away my secret just for Willy and Billy. I mean, they’ve been horrible to me all my life!’
‘You have to tell,’ Willy begged.’ Pleeeeeeease!’
Selby shook his head.
‘But we didn’t do nothin'!’ Billy wailed.
‘They’re r
ight, of course,’ Selby thought. ‘And they probably deserve everything they’re going to get for all the terrible things they’ve done to me. But I feel sorry for Mrs Trifle. Her party is completely ruined and her house is a mess.’
‘Please, doggy, please,’ Willy said, getting down on his knees. ‘I’m begging you.’
Selby smiled a small doggy smile.
‘Okay,’ he said.
‘Are you gonna talk?’ Billy asked. ‘Are you gonna tell them?’
‘No,’ Selby said. ‘I’m not going to tell anyone anything.’
‘Then what are you going to do?’
‘You mean, what are we going to do,’ Selby said. ‘I’m going to tell you what to do and you’re going to do exactly as I say. Do you understand?’
‘Okay, Mr Doggy,’ Willy said.
‘Good. Then close the curtains, lock the doors and let’s get started. First of all, put those tablecloths in the washing machine. Take off your clothes and put them in there too.’
‘But then we’ll be in the nuddy,’ Willy said.
‘Yeah, we can’t clean up when we’re in the nuddy,’ Billy said.
‘Sorry, guys, but I’m making the rules around here. Hurry up now!’
Selby opened a recipe book and, for the next half-hour, he mixed a cake and put it in the oven. Meanwhile, Willy and Billy threw away the spoiled food and cleaned the walls and ceiling. Selby got lots of biscuits out of the cupboard and put bits of cheese on them and then found a loaf of bread and made sandwiches. When the washing machine finished, the clothes and tablecloths went into the dryer. Soon, Willy and Billy were dressed and everything looked neat and tidy.
Selby got the cake out of the oven.
‘Open the curtains in the loungeroom now and keep an eye out,’ Selby said, ‘while I put the icing on the cake.’
Selby was just squeezing the icing writing onto the cake when Willy cried, ‘It’s them! Cindy and them are back!’
‘Whatever you do, don’t let them in,’ Selby said. ‘Keep the front door locked till the Trifles get here.’
