by Duncan Ball
Paw note: Not that again! Read my story ‘See-Through Selby’in the book Selby’s Shemozzle.
S
Paw note: Bogusville has a wonderful clock made of flowers.
S
I’m Not a Trotter or a Pacer
by Selby Trifle
I’m not a trotter or a pacer,
Or any other kind of racer.
To tell the truth I’m not so fast,
I only ever come dead last.
But there’s a race I’d love to win,
If only they would let me in.
Yes I would set a cracking pace,
If I could join the human race.
The Movie Magic of Jigsaw Jabbar
‘Who’s that strange-looking boy?’ Dr Trifle said to Mrs Trifle.
It was Saturday morning and the Trifles were strolling through Bogusville with Selby.
‘Which one?’
‘The barefoot one wearing a torn T-shirt and pants that are all ragged and falling down. He must be very poor. Do you think he’d let us buy him a belt?’
‘I don’t think he’s poor,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘That’s the way young people dress these days. And he’s not a boy — he’s a young man named Jigsaw Jabbar. He’s getting to be quite a famous fantasy film-maker.’
‘He doesn’t look old enough to be a famous anything,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I wonder where he got that name — Jigsaw.’
‘It’s a nickname. His real name is Jabbar something-or-other. When he was ten, he was the world champion jigsaw puzzler. He could put a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle together in two-and-a-half minutes. And that was with the picture side face-down so he could only see the back of the pieces.’
‘Goodness me, I can’t even do them right-side up. How do you know all this?’
‘I said hello to him the other day and we had a nice chat. He’s given up jigsaw puzzles and started making movies.’
‘What sort of movies?’
‘Those ones with knights and castles and people fighting weird monsters. You and I saw one on DVD. Remember a film called Dragon Mist Enigma? That was one of his.’
‘He made that?!’ Selby thought. ‘That was brilliant! I loved all that stuff with fighting monsters.’
‘He made that?’ Dr Trifle said. ‘I liked it but there was too much monster-fighting for me.’
‘We also saw Legions of the Fire King and Snow Dream Castle.‘
‘I loved those films, too!’ Selby thought. ‘I can’t believe he’s actually here in Bogusville!’
‘He’s hired the Bogusville Bijou Movie Theatre to use as a studio,’ Mrs Trifle continued. ‘He’s just finishing a movie in there right now.’
‘He must have hundreds of people working for him,’ Dr Trifle said. ‘It’s funny that I haven’t seen more strangers around town.’
‘I know,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘I haven’t seen any other strangers, either. They’re probably working so hard that they never leave the theatre.’
‘What I’d like to know is, if he’s such a bigtime film-maker, why isn’t he working in Hollywood? Or New Zealand?’
‘He said he likes the peace and quiet here. And he doesn’t like people snooping around when he’s making a movie. Bogusville people don’t snoop around.’
‘Maybe not,’ Selby thought, ‘but there’s one Bogusville dog who does. I think I might just drop in to the Bogusville Bijou and have a squiz. I know what these movie sets are like. They’ll be so busy that no one will even notice me.
It was a silent dog that tiptoed out of the Trifle’s house that afternoon and trotted down to the Bogusville Bijou. And it was a curious dog that climbed up a pile of boxes and in through a window at the back of the theatre.
‘Hey, it’s as quiet as a graveyard in here,’ Selby thought. ‘Where is everyone?’
A beam of light shone through a crack in the curtain. Selby moved slowly towards it.
‘Who is it?’ a voice demanded.
‘Someone’s heard me!’ Selby thought.
‘Yes, Harry, it’s me, Jigsaw,’ the voice said again.
‘Phew,’ Selby phewed. ‘He’s just talking on his mobile.’
‘Okay, okay,’ Jigsaw said. ‘Stop worrying. We’re almost finished. Trust me. We’ve been working around the clock for the past four days. We haven’t had a wink of sleep. I’ll upload the film to you in about an hour. You can screen it as soon as I start uploading. The guys are working on a tiny technical problem with the last scene right now.’
Selby peeked out into the darkened theatre. There, in front of him, was the young man sitting alone in one of the seats. The theatre was completely empty except for him.
‘Guys?’ Selby thought. ‘What guys is he talking about? Who’s he kidding? There’s nobody here but him.’
‘What did you say, Harry?’ Jigsaw went on. ‘Don’t worry. Just feed the movie reviewers some popcorn. Yes, I know how important they are. It’ll be worth the wait. This movie will knock their socks off. Now let me get back to work, okay?’
Selby watched as Jigsaw Jabbar opened the laptop that he held on his knees. Suddenly the movie screen flickered. Selby made his way up the side aisle and parked himself on a seat behind Jigsaw.
‘Hey, that’s great!’ Selby thought. ‘The big movie screen is showing what he’s doing on his laptop.’
Selby settled back into his seat as Jigsaw Jabbar fast-forwarded through the movie.
‘Even when it’s going really really fast, I can tell it’s fantastic,’ he thought.
Jigsaw stopped the action. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back. Suddenly he opened his eyes and jerked forward again.
‘The poor guy is really tired,’ Selby thought.
‘Got to get through this,’ Jigsaw said out loud. ‘Got to make the last scene and the film will be finished.’
‘Make the last scene?’ Selby thought. ‘Is he kidding? It takes weeks — or months — to do a scene in a movie. You’ve got to get the actors and they’ve got to learn their lines. And then there’s the make-up people and the sets. What is it with this guy?’
Jigsaw typed something on the keyboard and then picked up a little microphone.
‘Mountains,’ he said.
Suddenly the outline of mountains appeared on the movie screen.
‘Colour,’ he said. ‘Grays and browns. Jagged rocks. Tufts of grass. Snow on mountain peaks.’
Each time Jigsaw spoke, the picture changed, becoming more and more realistic.
‘This guy’s a genius!’ Selby thought. ‘He’s invented a computer program that turns his words into movies. No wonder he can do everything himself. And no wonder he doesn’t want anyone snooping around to find out his secret.’
‘Mountains higher,’ Jigsaw went on. ‘Steeper. More cliffs. Waterfalls. Eagles in the sky. Stone castle on top of rocky peak. Six wooden towers on castle. One tower very tall.’
Jigsaw put his head in his hands.
‘Wake up!’ Selby thought. ‘Come on, you can do it!’
Jigsaw slowly stretched his neck by turning his head from side to side.
‘Sounds. Water and wind,’ he said. ‘Action.’
Suddenly the scene came alive. Eagles soared in the sky. Grass bent in the wind. Waterfalls streamed out of the rocks and into the valley below.
‘Soldier style twenty-two B,’ Jigsaw said. ‘Body armour style three-six-seven J.’
A huge man with long black hair appeared. He was holding a club and a whip.
‘Multiply soldier times six hundred.’
Suddenly there were six hundred warriors.
‘Bows and arrows. Clubs. Whips. Spears. Selection twenty-three. Armour Selection four Q. Mix.’
‘Wow!’ Selby thought. ‘This is the most fantastic computer program ever!’
‘Lower drawbridge,’ Jigsaw went on. ‘Warriors into castle. Take up guard positions. Insert Princess Fairhair from Clipboard two-three-five.’
There in the middle of the screen was a beautiful young woman with long bl
onde hair.
‘Princess into tall tower. Insert Army of Akrads from scene six-two-nine approaching on horseback. Play drumbeat. Start battle set-up fifteen and twenty-one. Action.’
Selby watched as a thousand dark figures poured through mountain passes riding their elephant-like beasts. The half-human, halfmonster figures now filled the screen, their huge teeth dripping goo, their eyes blood red.
‘Music continuity. Sequence ten minutes,’ Jigsaw called out. ‘Akrad attack on castle. Akrads winning for eight minutes. Princess Fairhair leads counter-attack. She and ten warriors survive. Credit roll. Wrap.’
Selby watched the final battle scene with his heart pounding in his chest. Jigsaw slumped forward, his chin resting on the seat in front of him.
As the credits began to roll, Selby couldn’t stop himself. He clapped and cheered wildly.
‘Wonderful!’ he cried without thinking.
The boy-wizard film-maker turned in his seat.
‘Who’s there? What did you say?’
Selby sat silently, trying to look as innocent as a dog who had just yelled out in plain English could have looked.
‘Hey! You’re a dog!’ Jigsaw exclaimed. ‘Or am I just imagining you? Come here, boy. Come on. Here doggy doggy.’
‘I’d better do what he says,’ Selby thought as he trotted down the aisle and climbed up on the seat next to Jigsaw.
‘Are you real?’ Jigsaw asked, rubbing his eyes. ‘You look real.’
Silence.
Jigsaw gave Selby a pat.
‘And you feel real,’ he said, ‘so you must be real. But tell me you didn’t say wonderful.‘
More silence.
‘Wonderful,’ Jigsaw said, staring into Selby’s eyes.
Selby opened his mouth.
‘W-w-w-,’ he started. And then he said, ‘Woof!
‘Yeah, I was hearing things,’ Jigsaw said, leaning over and reading Selby’s tag. ‘Selby,’ he said. ‘Good name. If I were a dog, I’d like to be called Selby.’
Jigsaw’s mobile started ringing but he didn’t answer it.
‘That’ll be Harry and his film critics. I’m not going to answer it and I’m not going to upload the film to them. Sorry guys, but it’s rubbish.’
‘No, it’s not,’ Selby thought. ‘It’s great!’
‘Boring boring boring,’ Jigsaw mumbled. ‘It’s the same old thing. Dragon Mist Enigma, Legions of the Fire King, Snow Dream Castle, and now this one, Myth Chaser. They’re all the same. I’ve made the same film four times.’
‘I could see twenty of them and not be bored,’ Selby thought.
‘They always want you to do the same thing over and over again. I want to break out. I want to do something different for a change.’
‘What does it take to make this guy happy?’ Selby wondered. ‘He’s made some great films! He’s famous!’
‘Do you know what would make me happy?’ Jigsaw said to Selby as if Selby could understand what he was saying (which he could). ‘I’d be happy if I could make a happy movie with lots of singing and dancing in it.’
Jigsaw’s mobile kept ringing.
‘Oh, be quiet,’ he said to it. ‘Tell the movie reviewers to go home because they’re not going to see this film. I’m going to delete the whole thing right now. And then (yawn) I’m going to (yawn) get some sleep.’
Selby watched in horror as Jigsaw’s finger headed for the DELETE button.
‘He doesn’t know what he’s doing!’ Selby screamed in his brain.
‘Don’t do it!’ Selby blurted out. ‘You’ll be sorry you did!’
But the last thing Jigsaw did before slumping back in his chair and falling into a deep sleep was to press the DELETE button. Soon he was dreaming of his film career; of this, his last movie; and thinking about the very furry DELETE button that he’d just pressed. A furry DELETE button with claws on it.
‘Thank goodness,’ Selby thought as he lifted the man’s finger from the back of his paw. ‘I saved the film. Now to send it. Let’s see now …’
Selby searched the keyboard of the laptop and found a button that said UPLOAD and was just about to press it.
‘Now hang on a tick,’ he thought. ‘What am I doing? I mean, I loved the film but Jigsaw didn’t like it and it’s his film. Who am I to send it? But, if I don’t send it right now, it’ll never get shown in theatres. And maybe he didn’t like it because he was just too tired. If I delete it, he might wake up and wish he still had it.’
Selby rested his paw on the keyboard again. He looked at the boy-genius film-maker and shook his head.
‘Oh, Jigsaw,’ he sighed. ‘Why couldn’t you have made a film that has songs and dancing and lots and lots of great jokes like the ones Gary Gaggs tells? Who cares if no one likes it? Oh well.’
At the sound of the word ‘songs', something mysterious began to happen. A little light on the computer began to blink. And then, with the words ‘dancing’ and ‘jokes', there was more blinking and even a faint whirring sound.
‘This computer’s got a brain of its own,’ Selby thought. ‘I’d better do something before it deletes the movie.’
With this, Selby’s paw slipped silently sideways, hitting the UPLOAD button.
Two hours later, Jigsaw Jabbar was woken by the sound of his mobile phone ringing.
‘Hello?’ he said sleepily. ‘No, I feel great now, Harry. Sorry I got so cranky. I just needed a good sleep. And I’m sorry about the film. They what? They loved it? They said it’s completely original? It isn’t like anything they’d seen before? But hang on, Harry, I never sent the film. Are you sure? What’s this about singing-and-dancing battles scenes? And the princess telling jokes? I can’t remember any of that. Oh, look, I didn’t delete it, after all. It’s still on my computer. I’ll watch it right now and see what you’re talking about. Where’s that dog? No, a dog, Harry. There was a really nice dog in here — unless I dreamt him.’
For a second, Jigsaw Jabbar was sure he saw a tail disappear through the crack in the curtain. But then he looked again and wasn’t so sure.
It was a smiling self-satisfied dog that slipped out through the back window of the theatre and into the cool night air.
‘That’s what I call a good night’s work,’ Selby thought as he headed for home.
Paw note: I ought to know — I’ve made a movie myself. See the story ‘Selby’s Stardom’ in the book Selby’s Stardom.
S
Paw note: Of course my tag has my real name on it.
S
The Story of a Story
The Funny Little Bunny
Once upon a time, a funny little bunny lived in a funny little bunny house with her happy little bunny brothers and sisters. Everything there was just happy happy happy all day long every day. Then one day the funny little bunny looked out the window.
‘Why bless my funny little bunny tail,’ she said. ‘Here comes a storm…’
Melanie Mildew kept reading right to the end of her story.
But the naughty storm didn’t knock the funny little bunny house down, so the funny little bunny and her little bunny brothers and sisters lived happily every after.
‘What do you think?’ she asked. ‘Do you think it can win the Story Week story-writing competition?’
‘Well, it is quite sweet,’ Mrs Trifle said. ‘Are you kidding? It’s rubbish,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘Kids don’t want to hear about funny little bunnies. Listen to my one:
Space Monsters From Hell Get Blown to Bits
Ten-year-old Todd’s Space-Buster rocket zoomed down to the planet Zikash-Splash alpha 32. and then lots of three-headed monsters came out of holes in the ground. and then Todd turned his Duffertrog 309 Monster Blaster on them.
Blam! Blam! Blam!
‘Kill kill kill!’ he screamed.
and then the monsters exploded and green gunk went everywhere and even splattered Todd’s Space-Buster rocket so he had to turn on the windscreen wipers.
Blamity boom! Blamity boom! Ker-blam! Ker-bl
am! Ker-blam!
Aunt Jetty went on and on to the end.
‘Now that’s a story!’ she said. ‘And I reckon it’ll win.’
‘Don’t you think it’s a bit violent?’ Mrs Trifle asked.
‘Of course it’s violent. Kids love violence. Willy and Billy helped me write it and they’re kids. Now it’s your turn, Sis. Let’s see if you can beat that.’
Mrs Trifle turned pink with embarrassment.
‘I’m afraid I haven’t written a word,’ she said.
‘But you can’t just dip out,’ Aunt Jetty said. ‘This whole story-writing thing was your idea. You wanted everyone to go in it and see if we could win the prize money for the school library.’
‘I just don’t know what to write about.’
‘Why not? You even took a writing course.’
‘That was years ago and it was just to help me write reports for the Council. Making up stories is completely different.’
‘I do think it’s only fair that you write something, too,’ Melanie Mildew said. ‘I’ll be back tomorrow to see how you’ve gone.’
* * *
That afternoon, Selby watched Mrs Trifle scribble on pieces of paper and then throw them all away. From time to time, she pulled her hair and sighed and moaned the way writers sometimes do when they can’t think of what to write.
‘Poor Mrs Trifle,’ Selby thought. ‘She can’t write a story because she can’t make things up. She’s too honest.’
Mrs Trifle scrunched up another piece of paper.
‘I give up,’ she sighed.
‘This is terrible!’ Selby thought. ‘I’ve got to help her, but how can I?’
Suddenly an idea-light went on in Selby’s head.
‘Hold the show! Where’s that how-to-write book from her writing course? It’s got to be around here somewhere.’
Selby raced to the bookcase and found the book. It was called Writing for Ninnies.
‘I’m sure there was a chapter on story writing,’ he thought, as he pawed through the pages. ‘Yes! Here it is! Let’s see now — Story Starters.‘
