She swiped away the tears running down her cheeks. “You’re giving me an ultimatum?”
“You’re damn right I am.”
“You’re asking me to choose between Thomas and you? How can you do that? Please don’t ask me to do that. James, he’s her father. I can’t cut ties with my daughter’s father.”
“I can because, yeah, he may be your daughter’s father—” he clenched his fists at his sides, “—but he is not your fucking husband anymore!” She visibly flinched, and he had to look away. The pain in her face was palpable, but it didn’t matter. “You choose, or I’ll choose for you.”
“James… I…”
When she stalled, Jimmy turned around and walked away from her. For the second, and last time, in less than two days.
Chapter Forty-Six
Jimmy sat on Andy’s couch with his head resting back onto the cushions and stared up at the ceiling. His mind was such a mess after leaving Sonja’s that he’d gone straight to his best friend’s house. Thank God she’d been home, and he was even more relieved to find her girlfriend, Steph, wasn’t there.
Anger beat through his body in time with his heart like a damn drum. Among the many thoughts running through his mind, the one screaming the loudest was how stupid he was for putting himself out there again and trusting her. Thinking back, all the signs had been there too. Each and every time she tried to push him away, or not allow him to get too close, should’ve been a neon billboard with the word WARNING flashing on it. He could sure see that fucking sign now. And man, wasn’t hindsight a bitch?
“Here.”
Yanked from his wallowing, he looked up to see Andy holding a fresh beer out to him. “Thanks.” Taking the bottle from her, he pressed it to his lips and took a long drink.
She sat beside him on the couch. “You ready to tell me what happened yet?”
“Did I ever tell you I was engaged before?”
“What?” Her eyes went wide. “Fuck, really glad I wasn’t taking a drink right then. When the hell were you engaged?”
“In college. I guess I wasn’t technically engaged. I never got to pop the question.”
“Holy shit. I had no idea. Who was she?”
“Yeah, sorry. It’s not something I like to talk about. Ever.” He took a swig of his beer and stared across the room. “Gina, my girlfriend in college. We dated for the first three years. She was an art major too.”
Andy shifted on the couch, curling one leg under her and then took a sip of her beer. “Go on.”
“Jesus, I was so fucking in love; thought she was in love too. I had the ring and everything. Took me months to pay the damn thing off. But when I finally did, I planned on proposing when we graduated.”
“Did she turn you down or something?”
“Shit, that would’ve been easier to take, I think.” He tilted his bottle back, taking another long swig. “I had a roommate. I came home early one day and found Gina in bed with him.”
“Oh God, honey, I’m so sorry. That must’ve been horrible.”
“Yeah, it was pretty fucking bad.” Jimmy slid lower on the couch and rested his feet on the coffee table, crossing them at the ankle.
“Did you confront them?”
“Nope. I walked out. I went to her place and left a note in her room telling her I knew, and that we were done. I got out of town, but when I went back to my place a few days later, my roommate tried to apologize. I basically told him to fuck off too. That’s when I packed my shit and left. Went home for a while, then moved out here.”
“That’s the real reason why you didn’t finish college. Damn, Jimmy. That’s some heavy shit to go through.”
“It was a long time ago, ya know? I mean, I guess I’m over it, but the shit the last few days with Sonja brought it all back to the surface.”
“Dude, sorry to say this, but no way you’re over it. I’ve known you what? Two years now? I’ve never seen you get serious with a woman. Now I know why. You fuck plenty, but you don’t date.”
“Can you blame me? I mean, Gina ripped my heart out and served it for dinner. Sue me for not being too keen on getting into another serious thing.”
“I get it. Really, I do. And I’m so sorry that happened to you. But what does this have to do with Sonja?”
Jimmy sat up and rested his elbows on his knees. “She’s fucking her ex-husband, that’s what.”
Andy touched his arm. “Whoa, whoa. Back the hell up. Are you sure?”
“Pretty much, yeah.” He glanced at her. “She wouldn’t admit it right away, but yeah, she is.”
“Okay, just…tell me what happened, please. I know I haven’t met her, which, believe me, I’m not okay with, and I don’t always like how she jerks you back and forth, but based on everything you’ve told me about this woman, I have a hard time believing she’s been fucking her ex while fucking you. I thought you said he hasn’t been in town for months.”
“He hasn’t.”
“Then, sweetie, how can she be fucking you and him at the same time?”
“I don’t know.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “He told me I was her boy-toy in between visits. Can you believe that shit?”
“He what? Oh my fucking God.” Andy went to sip her beer, but paused, tilting her head to the side. “Ya know, no, I can’t believe that shit. I mean, yeah no doubt he said that, and you and Sonja have had your share of speed bumps, but I can’t believe you’re just a plaything for her.”
“At this point, it doesn’t matter. I won’t go through that shit again. And for fuck’s sake, Andy, she lets him stay in her home when he’s in town… In her bed! I—no way, I can’t do it.”
“Okay, yeah, I get it, that’s pretty fucked up. Who does that? But… Well, what exactly did she say?”
He let out a chuckle born from bitterness rather than humor. “It’s a long, fucked-up story, ending in her admitting she fucked him right before we started dating.” He took another swig. “So I told her to choose. Him or me. And she couldn’t.”
“Damn. But—”
“But, nothing. I’m not doing it. No way. No how. Fuck that. I should’ve known better than to try.”
Andy rubbed his back. “I’m so sorry.”
“Me too.” He glanced at her.
“Do you think you’ll hear from her?”
He shrugged. “Dunno. Half of me hopes I do, but the other half wants her to stay away.”
“Listen, she’s fucked in the head if she doesn’t choose you. Just saying.” Andy kissed his cheek. “You can stay here tonight if you want.”
“Nah, I’ll probably head home in a little bit. Your girl will be home soon, and I’d rather not be here when she arrives.”
“Steph won’t care if you’re here.”
“Yeah, it’s okay. I appreciate it.”
“You know I love you, right?” She took his hand in hers.
“Yup. I love you too, Andy.”
Sitting back again, he slouched down on the couch and reached for the remote. Andy curled up next to him, her head on his shoulder. The Yankees game was on, and he and his best friend watched in silence, both sipping their beers until finally Jimmy decided it was time to go. Giving Andy a tight hug, he left her place.
Jimmy started on the ten-or-so-block walk back to his place. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he checked his texts. There were no messages from Sonja. Relief passed through him for a brief second but then sadness hit him hard, like a punch in the gut.
A broken heart was a fact of life, but it seemed pretty fucking unfair to meet someone who made him feel alive for the first time in years and then fall in love with her only to have it crumble, like an avalanche, around him. Again. Getting burned in this way once was enough for him…twice was way too fucking much.
No way would he be touching the hot stove again. It wasn’t worth it.
>
Chapter Forty-Seven
Sonja collapsed to her knees and wept after James stormed out of the bedroom. Her mind had screamed at her to choose him. To tell him, and show him, how much he’d come to mean to her. But the words refused to come out.
The hard-won decision to truly be independent had dissipated in a flash when she saw Thomas and James together. James’s presence should’ve strengthened that, but instead it’d weakened it—her fear of dealing with Thomas, and what it would mean with James, had won. Worse, the fear of taking the leap of faith love required, with the possibility of being wrong, had won too.
Fear determined and ruled everything in Sonja’s life.
As she remained curled up on the floor in the middle of her bedroom, Sonja’s tears fell for a long while, until the sound of the door opening forced her to take a breath and attempt to compose herself. Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she braced herself and looked up, expecting to see Thomas. But instead, Casey was there, a confused and scared look on her face.
“Mommy?”
Sonja got off the floor. “Casey, honey. I’m sorry.”
“No, Mommy, I’m sorry.” Her daughter hobbled over to her. “I’m really sorry.” Tears welled in Casey’s eyes and fell.
Sonja pulled her daughter into her arms and pressed her face into her hair. Her own tears fell again too. With the things that’d happened in the last several days, Sonja was crying over all of them. James walking out—again—was the icing on top of an already burnt cake. “I love you so much.” After a few minutes, she pulled away and looked at her daughter. “What do you say we get you off your feet?”
Her daughter sniffled and nodded. “Can we lay down in your bed?”
Sonja smiled and wiped Casey’s tears away. “Sure.”
Leading her child to the bed, she pulled the covers back and helped her up and in, and then moved to the other side and joined her. It’d been years since Casey had wanted to lie in bed with her, and considering her raw emotions at the moment, Sonja was hungry for the opportunity to be close with her in this way again.
“I know I worried you and Jimmy when I ran away. I’m really sorry about that.”
Sonja looked into her daughter’s eyes. “I’m just relieved you’re home safe, sweetheart, and relatively unharmed.”
Casey scooted closer and rested her head on Sonja’s shoulder. “Me too.”
Shifting, she wrapped her arm around her daughter’s back. Sonja drew in a deep breath and sent up a silent prayer of thanks for this little moment. “Promise me you won’t ever do anything like that again.”
“I promise.”
They lay together in silence, and Sonja ran her fingers through the length of her daughter’s hair before Casey finally spoke again. “Mommy, can I tell you something?”
“You can tell me anything you want.” Sonja held her breath, curious, yet scared at the same time of what Casey might say. Her daughter was a teenager. Smack in the middle of the awkward stage of life where a kid is caught between hormones and still needing to be coddled like a child. Never mind all the peer pressure they were under.
“I don’t think it’s normal that Daddy stays here when he’s in town. And I really don’t think it’s normal that he sleeps in here with you.”
Sonja stiffened before blowing out a breath. She certainly hadn’t expected those words to come out of her daughter’s mouth. “Well…”
Casey laced her fingers with her mother’s. “Do you still love him? Is that why you let him?”
Sonja blew out another breath. “Sadly, no.”
“Then, why?”
Sonja stared at the ceiling, wondering how to explain the situation to her daughter. Should she tell her the truth, or try to protect Thomas by keeping in place the illusion he believed was logical and solid?
“Mom, it’s okay, you can tell me the truth. I’m not stupid. I mean, I have friends whose parents are divorced, but none of them do what you and Daddy do, so I don’t get it.”
Sonja tugged on her daughter’s hair. “Did you just read my mind or something?”
Casey giggled. “No, but I can tell you’re debating what to say.” She sat up. “Do you love Jimmy?”
Sonja’s eyes went wide. “I…” She swallowed. “Where did that come from?”
Casey laughed again. “Sorry, it just seems like when you’re with him you’re happy. And when Dad is here, you’re not. Like ever.”
“I guess you’re probably right.”
“Well, duh. I mean it’s pretty obvious.”
“Does it upset you to know your father and I have been trying to keep up appearances for you?”
“No, I mean, a little I guess… But I never really paid attention. I think I started to notice the last visit, when you guys had that huge fight. I guess I didn’t want to see it before.” Casey shook her head. “But I see it now, and I don’t know… I tried to ask Daddy about it this morning, why he stays here and not in a hotel or something, and he acted like it was normal. Like it was okay. But I know it’s not, and it really bothered me that he tried to play it off that way.”
Sonja frowned. What on earth had they talked about? “I’m sorry, honey.”
“It’s okay. I think that’s just how he is.” Casey shrugged. “He even asked me if I wanted to spend the whole summer in Florida, which is crazy, Mom. I told him I’d think about it, but I don’t think I want to do that. Not the whole summer anyway. I mean, I still love him. He’s my dad.”
Sonja shifted to her side. It was so typical of Thomas to pitch a full summer visit on their daughter—probably hoping he’d be able to convince her to stay for good. “You don’t have to go for the whole summer if you don’t want to.” She sighed. “He loves you too, and he will always be your daddy, honey.”
“I think Jimmy is awesome, Mom. He’s really cool. And he’s easy to talk to. Even though I got mad at him the other night—you know, the night I left? Anyway, I guess what I like most about him is he makes you happy. You’re better when he’s here.”
Sonja stared at her daughter, listening intently to her words, and watched the happy expression on her face. As adorable as she found Casey at that moment, she knew her only child was being completely serious. “I’m glad you like him.”
“He’s funny too. Plus, I think it’s kind of cool how he fights with you.”
Sonja rolled her eyes. “He loves to fight with me.”
“Yeah, but you love to fight with him too. And it’s a different kind of fighting than when you fight with Dad.”
Sonja had to hold back a laugh. “What makes you think I love fighting with James?”
“Come on, seriously, Mom; it’s so totally obvious you love it. You get this dreamy look in your eyes when he’s poking at you, and when he’s not looking, you stare at him like you love him.”
Sonja couldn’t believe her ears. But she finally let the laugh out because her daughter was one-hundred-percent right.
“Do you love him?”
The repeated question made Sonja’s stomach drop. She swallowed. “I don’t know—”
“It’s okay with me if you do. I mean, I think you deserve to be happy. I think you’d be crazy not to love him.”
“I guess you have a point there.” Oh, hell. Sonja sat up and placed her palm on her daughter’s face. “What’s not to love?”
Casey smiled, but then frowned. “Mom, I heard the stuff Daddy said to Jimmy tonight, and it was really screwed up. Is that why he left?”
“No, honey. He left because of something I said.”
“What did you say?”
“Well, it’s complicated.”
“I think you should kick Dad out, then go make up with Jimmy.”
“Casey, he’s your father.”
“So? He shouldn’t be here. Jimmy should.” Her daughter nodded as if her mind was made up.
Sonja sighed. “I wish it were so simple.”
“Seriously, Mom. It is that simple. Tell Dad he has to leave in the morning, and then go see Jimmy. You should spend the night with him tonight too. Dad can spend the rest of the night hanging out with me, and you can go be happy.”
Apparently the charade she’d tried to maintain all these years was not only foolish, it was a huge waste of time. Her daughter had finally seen through the lie and blasted an enormous hole in the façade. Moreover, her daughter was probably right about Sonja deserving to be happy. She’d suffered long enough at the hands of her father, and then Thomas. Not to mention herself because Sonja wasn’t the victim she once believed herself to be; she’d participated and allowed all of it to happen. Jimmy made her happy, and Sonja not only needed that—she wanted it. Sonja touched the tip of Casey’s nose with her fingertip. “When did you get so smart, hmm?”
Her daughter scrunched up her face and giggled. “Good genes, I guess.”
Blowing out a breath, Sonja got up from the bed. “I guess I need to go have a talk with your father. Maybe you should go to your room and turn your music on. Loud.”
“You think there’s going to be yelling?”
“I hope not, but your father doesn’t usually do well when I put my foot down. So, unfortunately, there might be.”
Casey got up and balanced on her crutches. “It’s gonna be okay, Mom. No matter how he reacts, don’t back down.” She made her way to the door.
“Casey, are you sure you’re okay with this?”
Her daughter smiled at her. “Yeah. Besides, I’ll be going to see Dad this summer. I’m good, Mom.”
“I love you, Casey.”
“I love you too, Mommy.” Casey turned and walked out of the room.
How crazy her life had become since she’d met James. Yet, at the same time, it was so much better. Her daughter had pushed the boundaries, run away and got hurt. Then, once home, in a matter of twenty-four hours, Casey’s perception of her home life had shifted and shattered into pieces. Sonja supposed it was a good thing, and although Casey said she was fine, Sonja worried the backlash from the mess she and Thomas had created was yet to come.
Defensive Heart: The Donnolleys, Book 2 Page 31
